[septchld]

I must ask, who are you to judge an adoptee who chooses to search for their bfamily as to say that they DON'T honor and cherish their adoptive parents, as you say? I for one do, and I would still love to meet my bparents. I find it quite strange also that since no [adoptee] is currently searching your husband out and you never mentioned being contacted by one, what is your interest in being here on the adoption forums? Is there more to your story, you do seem to have an immense amount of anger, your choice in songs to quote was rather strong IMO, being as you were directing it at the adoptee.

[shirleyville]

Authoress,
I agree with you completely when you say,

in almost ALL adoptive situations, the bparents went through a LOT of pain in making decisions to give up the adoptee.

Knowing how hard it was for my birthmother (and others like her) to make those "painful decisions" was one of the reasons I wanted to locate my birthmom......to let her know that I understand and that I respect her tremendously for the decisions she made.

In some cases, there's rape; don't you think that knowing that would potentially create lifetime emotional turmoil in an adoptee?

I certainly can't speak for anyone other than myself, but it would cause me absolutely NO "emotional turmoil" to learn that I was a product of rape, incest, or a "one night stand" (I believe you used the term "quickie", but it's the same difference). To the contrary, I would find immense closure in finding out the circumstances surrounding my birth. If there is any "emotional turmoil" to be had, it comes at the hands of those with antiquated attitudes who believe adoptees should be kept in the dark their entire lives -- being denied basic information afforded to every other member of society.

I wonder how many adoptees would really seek out bparents IF they realized the horrible consequences in finding something really, really bad in their bparent situation?

Again, I can only speak for myself, but I, personally, would have sought out my birthfamily, no matter what their past "situation" might have been. My birthmom lost her mother when she was five years old, and was raised by an alcoholic father. She married an alcoholic abuser and has lived a life filled with trauma and poverty......am I sorry that I discovered that? NOT AT ALL !! To the contrary -- it's extremely helpful to me in understanding her circumstances at the time of my conception and birth, and it helps me to understand the person she is today. Of course I am terribly sorry she has endured what she has, and my heart is with her, as it always has been -- but if it changed anything at all about how I feel, it's strengthened my respect for her.

I really think that adoptees should honor and cherish their adoptive parents -- they are the ones who are their TRUE mothers and fathers

Absolutely! I honor and cherish my parents more than anything on earth.....but that has nothing at all to do with my desire to know my birthfamily!
Sally

[septchld]

You are quite an amazing lady, I love what you have posted here, it shows that you have a wise and compassionate heart. I agree with you totally.

[Alana71]

Hi Shannon, I was happy to read that your friend reunited with her bcousisns! That must have been exciting for her. I'm really curious to see how things go with a possible reunion with her siblings. I wonder how baunts/bmom will handle this. I hope they can find a way to come around. BTW, I think it is really great of you to be so supportive of your friend, she is lucky to have you Especially at such an emotional and stressful time like this. I did read one of your other threads re: your situation with your brothers and bmom. You sound like a really strong person!


Anyway, I hope you will continue to update despite the negative comments from a particular poster.

~Alana

[crick]

I know this thread was directed to adoptees & bmoms, but just had to post.

Sally - I think you and others hit the nail on the head in your responses to Authoress. Just because you want to find info or a reunion with bfamily doesn't mean you don't love your family who raised you and love you.

Authoress - I know my children might face a rejection etc. but they still have the right to know their past. I know there will be some truths that they'll discover that may hurt them. But I also believe knowing the truth is far better than believing their made up fantasies or nightmares. My daughter is only 6 and yet she blames herself for being taken away from her bmom. I would hate for her to grow up believing she is an unworthy person or unlovable because of mistakes that her bparents made. I know there are adoptees who have absolutely no information about their past and to me, the not knowing is a lot of times worse than knowing the truth.

I'm their "true" mother and that will never change. I also know they have another mother and father somewhere out there and there's no denying that. As an amom, I know the day will come when my children might want to search for their bfamily. Definitely know my daughter will and I will do everything I can to support her in the search for her past. And if she should be rejected, then all the more reason to support her and be there for her.

Crick

[lookingfr fam]

My friend, The one whom this thread is about, sent me this poem the other day and although I have posted it elsewhere, I thought it fitting for this thread too.

Here's to crick88, happymomanna(hope that's right) and all the Amoms & Bmoms out there along with THEIR children



A Healing Poem
Legacy of an Adopted Child

Once there were two women
Who never knew each other
One you do not remember
The other you call mother.
Two different lives
Shaped to make yours one.
One became your guiding star
The other became your sun.
The first gave you life
And the second taught you to live in it
The first gave you a need for love
And the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality
The other gave you a name
One gave you the seed of talent
The other gave you an aim.
One gave you emotions
The other calmed your fears
One saw your first sweet smile
The other dried your tears.
One gave you up --
It was all that she could do.
The other prayed for a child.
And God led her straight to you.
And now you ask me
Through your tears,
The age-old questions
Through the years;
Heredity or environment --
Which are you the product of?
Neither, my darling -- neither
Just two different kinds of love.

--Author Unknown


Authoress
Adoptees searching is NOT about replacing or even making up for the aparents we were blessed with. It is SIMPLY about finding out about US!

I knew all the horrible things in my bmoms family BEFORE I even began my search and yet I still NEEDED and WANTED to find her. I in no way, shape or form could have or ever would have been able to replace to love my aparents have given me through the years, yet my bmom is able to give me something they never could....ME!

I know now what my middle initial stood for. I know now where I got this nose from. I know now that I'm half Irish (something I wish I knew when I read Gone With The Wind & Scarlett) I know now what the missing first 2 years of my life were like. I know now that I weighed 5lbs at birth. I know now that my baunt and I have the same toes....I could go on and on. These are things that non adoptees cant understand nor would I expect you to either. People take for granted everyday blessings in their life because they don't know anything else. Imagine having amnisia(SP?) and waking up one morning and not knowing who you are and someone saying "I know who your family is but I don't think you have the right to know them. There just might be something there that might be a bit of bad news so we'll just keep it all from you"



Alana71
No new updates yet. She is still in contact with her cousins and is loving it. I'll keep things updated for you all

As for me being strong? Well, I guess I've never thought of it that way, nor would I have described myself as such, but I can tell you the Lord has needed to carry me most of the way. The main thing is I have ended up right where I want to be in life which is all anyone can hope for. I have learned to turn every bad experience into a positive one. I've learned from my mistakes and others mistakes and have used what I have learned to help others whenever possible. As for being a supportive friend? We've been there for each other through the years. We've been friends for about 24 years now and being both adopted hasd help create a bond that time has not been able to break. As teenagers we would sit and watch all the adoption shows and the talk shows and say "someday we'll find our families too" Well we actually found them within a week of each other...pretty cool huh

Oh my I almost forgot!!!! I talked to my brother for the firt time today!!!!!! it was sooooooooooo cool!!!!!!!! He's just about to turn 30 next month. It was GREAT! I felt a bond with him right from the moment he said "HEY, WHAT"S UP", something I didn't even feel with my baunt or even bmom. It was really weird. He never knew about us(me and two other brothers) at all so this was quite a shock to him. We talked for almost 2 hours and I said I was shocked because guys usually don't talk that much and he said that no he's not usually a talker but after 30 years and finding out he had another sister out there it was okay I still have one sister to go and of couse my bfather(things don't look too good there though) and then thats it! I will have found them all. My husband gave me a BIG hug after I got off the phone with my brother today and said "your puzzle is almost complete" How true that is.

Keep the faith everyone~HE will lead us down our paths in HIS time, not ours.

Shannon

[Alana71]

Hi Shannon, I didn't realize you had another brother and sister. Are they also from your bmom or bdad? Are your brothers interested in meeting the other siblings or are they not related. I hope this doeesn't sound too confusing, I guess I am a little confused.
Yes, you are a strong person. Look at all of the searching, first phone calls etc. I know I got so emotional just finding my sister and reuniting with her and she's just one person! And I'm not an adoptee!

My sister is also searching for her bdad but I had limited info for her. I did manage to find out that he lives in Portugal and she has at least 2 other siblings from his side. She also feels that her puzzle is almost complete. She knows she will possibly be rejected by his family due to the circumstances around her birth but she is willing to take that chance.

I hope you also update on your continued reunions as well as your friend's.


~Alana

[lookingfr fam]

Yes, my story has a lot of twists and turns

Our bmom had 5 of us all together. Me and my 2 bro's I was adopted with and then she had 2 more after leaving us in 71. She later gave them up too but in a more "open adoption" way. They had a tough time growing up because their bdad tried to keep them and from what I hear he was a horrible person. They bounced back and forth until they were about 10 & 11. My bro has a great attitude though and fought hard to keep his life on track. He never knew about the three of us. Our Bmom did tell our sister about 15 years ago though. So far I have'nt been able to track her down (shes a drifter from what I understand)

My 2 bro's are interested in some form of contact with the bro & sis, but not Bmom. They are even interested in their bdads too. I think it strange that the only one they arn't ready for is bmom! It's like they blame her for everything! I try to tell them that perhaps if just one of the fathers (we all three had different fathers) would have stayed around and helped out perhaps things could have been different for her. Everyone of our fathers took off and never took responsibility for any of us. She was 19 with three children, no family support and turned to alcohol. I myself can reason through all this and not hold her in judgement but my oldest brother can't. Perhaps in time.

Tell your sis to hang in there. Rejection is a chance we all take and though it's not easy, finding them no matter what is still a good thing. It gives you a chance for closure that you can't have if you never even try.

Funny thing for me is, my bmom was just as worried (if not more so) about being rejected as I was. Strange how we sometimes don't look at the other side of things.

Shannon

[Alana71]

One more question.... sorry.... Were your other brother and sister adopted together or did they have different aparents? It sounds like your bmom had a lot of pain and struggling during her life

I hope she's doing better and able to cope with the past. I'll bet it has helped her heal a bit to know that you weren't going to "reject" her despite the circumstances. I do hope your brothers can follow your lead....

~Alana

[lookingfr fam]

No Prob!

Yes they were both adopted together, however, due to the rough first 10 or so years of their life, My brother had a hard time adjusting when they were finally adopted. he ended up with a choice of either following the rules or being placed in a boys home. he chose the boys home. From there he was shuffeld through the system from home to home. He said the hardest thing to do for him was to actually graduate from High school. He kept being moved so it was not easy to finish school which was something he wanted to make sure he did. They kept tellling him he could always just get his GED, but he wouldn't settle for that. Got to admire his spunk.

Anyhow, He doesn't blame anyone, he just didn't feel like he belonged back in the family after he was finally adopted...okay let me back up here.....when he was about 2 and Sister about 3, bmom asked this family to adopt them. They were placed in their home for two years but couldn't be adopted because bdad would not give up his paternal rights. Bdad after 2 years got custody and for the next 5 or 6 years was.... lets say....not so nice! Finally when they were about 10 their original afamily got a call from the police saying they were being taken away and could finally be adopted if they were still interested. Of course the afam could not turn their back on them but damage had already been done and neither bro or sis were the same. Brother said when they were originally placed in their home they made 6 akids for their parents. Well after they were taken away, aparents adopted 2 others so bro & sis made 8 adopted children for them when they came back. Brother said he never felt like he fit in after they were put back in their home. Again he doesn't blame anyone, it's just how he feels. Anyhow, thats their story! kinda makes you want to give them a BIG hug huh!

Yes bmom has hard a rough go of it. it seems as if it's been one bad choice after another for her, but she seems to be doing good now. She told me after her fifth child (my new bro) she had her tubes tied because she knew she was not in the right frame of mind to raise kids and didn't want to bring more children into this world and mess up more lives!

Yes, our relationship I believe is helping her forgive herself, however, just one week before she found out I was looking for her, she broke down and for the first time told her case worker about leaving the three of us so long ago. She said it was the first time im over 30 years that she delt with it. She has been in grief threapy now and it's been a big help she says. But the biggest thing for her was knowing the Lord has forgiven her. After that she's been able to start forgiving herself. I have to take my hat off to her though! She has answered every question (not that Im drilling her) I have asked and some of them have been really painful. She could have lied, blamed others or jumped on the Pity Wagon, but she has faced this head on! Has owen up to everything, thus freeing herself from her demons! I couln't be more proud to be her daughter!

[azitiz]

A posting placed on another forum on this site from 'authoress'. I am posting our reply to that posting here, as the 'autoress' posting has been deleted from that forum. As you might gather from reading on, we strongly disagree with statements made there and here, however...

As a B-father of an adoptee, and wife of a B-father for 25 years, we respect the right for all to make their own choices. As the B-father I feel it was your husbands responsibility to talk with the adoptee and express his own feelings, and not hide behind your apron strings. We feel that a marriage of 30+ years should be able to handle this information from the past that cannot be changed anyway. While our reunion has been an event that did have it's uncertainies, with many unknowns, we have met a wonderful new friend and look forward to our futures with great anticipation. Our prayers are with you and we hope you find a way to undo what cannot be undone. The bell has been rung...and that can't be changed.

Jerry - a bfather and wife J.

Obviously since you took on your husband's responsibility to his B-child, shows he still has not grown up to be responsible for his actions. I take pride in my husband taking his responsibilities seriously. It is how I measure a man. As it was then, the woman carried all the responsibility. It appears after 30+ years of your marriage that hasn't change in your case.

J, wife of azitiz, Jerry - A B-father

[Alana71]

Azitz
That is so refreshing to hear your version of that situation is a positive one. I believe Authoress has been banned and may not be able to see this post.

Shannon, haven't seen you for a while, how are things going with you and with your friends situation? Did she ever end up meeting any more family members? Love to hear an update

~Alana

[lookingfr fam]

I am sorry for not keeping you all up to date. My own search has been at a peak lately and has kept me pretty busy(that's a good thing)

Well, my friend, who btw keeps up with this thread, has mailed off a letter to her brother. What an emotional thing that was. The writing of it alone was, as some of you may know, a stuggle. What to say? How to say it? It took three of us hashing it out until she finally sent it out....then the waiting! Actually, only 4 days, but a LONG 4 days!!!! He called the moment he got it in the mail. Another confirmation that she has done the right thing

He is in the process of contacting the other brother and the two remaining sisters and will be back in touch with her soon.

All in all we believe this WAS the right thing to do and she is very happy she didn't give up with the baunts lack of response who by the way still has not contacted her....3-4 days has now turned into 3 months

Let this be a lesson learned for all! NEVER GIVE UP! Trust the Lord will open doors in His time not ours!

Blessings to all~

Shannon

[Alana71]

Shannon, that is great news about your friend. Her brother responded so quickly. She must be so thrilled! I hope it continues with good results..

What about you, you mentioned that your own search has been at a peak lately. So what's happening?

~Alana

[lookingfr fam]

Yes, it has been Wonderful for her! I think she feels like someone is finally saying....yes, you are a part of us and no matter what decisions were made so long ago, we want you to be a part of our life now! Her brother kept saying "I can't believe I have ANOTHER sister" For her to even be thought of like that by him was.....well, unbelieveable! Something until now she has only been able to dream of.

HEY ELIZABETH(nickname not her real name) if your reading this, and I know you are...why don't you pipe in a bit and share your thoughts and feelings yourself? BTW, she prob won't. She likes me being her mouthpiece and I like to talk

My story has led to finding a BIG piece of our puzzle! I found my brothers bfather! In doing so I found out he had 7 sons all together! WOW!!! So I have been in the process of sorting all that out. To complicate my story more.....even though he is not my bfather....we are all still related! He and our bmom were second cousins! Talk about a crazy course of events So it's been a crazy few weeks...but GREAT

Shannon