[lewellen]

Authoress,

Guess what? I'm the child with another woman. I'm out here and alive. Guess what else, I've been reuntied. We just don't go away. By the way, after my adoption, my b-dad divorced his wife and married my b-mom. Guess his first wife just couldn't GET OVER IT.


I have never held any resentment against my birth family, nor did I feel lost not being reunited. I was curious.

Now I'm going to quote some Don Henley at you,


Remember when the days were long
And rolled beneath a deep blue sky
Didn't have a care in the world
With mommy and daddy standing by
When "happily ever after" fails
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers dwell on small details
Since daddy had to fly
But I know a place where we can go
That's still untouched by man
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
You can lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
O' beautiful, for spacious skies
But now those skies are threatening
They're beating plowshares into swords
For this tired old man that we elected king
Armchair warriors often fail
And we've been poisoned by these fairy tales
The lawyers clean up all details
Since daddy had to lie
But I know a place where we can go
And was away this sin
We'll sit and watch the clouds roll by
And the tall grass wave in the wind
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair spill all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence
Who knows how long this will last
Now we've come so far, so fast
But, somewhere back there in the dust
That same small town in each of us
I need to remember this
So baby give me just one kiss
And let me take a long last look
Before we say good bye
Just lay your head back on the ground
And let your hair fall all around me
Offer up your best defense
But this is the end
This is the end of the innocence


By the way, I look a whole lot like my mother.

LewEllen

[ChristiBender]

Sally..... you responded well.... and I think we can all learn a thing or two from authoress. If nothing else she might help some of us learn why some people are so against us having basic human rights.

I can read her post and try to feel her pain. She must be feeling inadequate, in sufficient and wounded. That's o.k. Show me an adoptee that hasn't felt inadequate, insufficient or wounded. Wow... she is just like us!! I wonder if she can see that??

No... maybe not.

Perhaps one day her husband's child will find him. And he will see how much that child is like him. How the sense of humor is the same. How the eyes, or nose, or chin, or hair, or body are the same. Perhaps they will share a passion for a certain activity. Maybe they will have the same taste in food. Perhaps her husband will face emotions he didn't know he had... didn't even think he COULD have.

And... maybe she will struggle.. MAYBE she will learn a thing or two about what is and what is not important. For each of us have priorities.. and our priorities shift during our lives... from our friends to our education to our career to our passions to our health and to our families and our roots.

It is through the struggles that we grow. There is no need to tell you that Sally... you have struggled along with the best.... and look at you... gentle, honest, fair. You have grown.

Perhaps she will struggle.. and she will grow. Perhaps....it will take that child of long ago to show her the way. Wouldn't it be wonderful if after she wrestles and loses the battle she would be able to say "thank you"?

Stranger things have happened. Life is a mystery, authoress..... you can't stop it from happening any more than you can stop the sun from rising.

Perhaps your own advice is best though. Get over it.... welcome the new day and whoever may come with it.

[gardengirl]

I am the birth sibling of an adoptee. My sister was given up for adoption at birth. So I can speak from that point of view when I say that neither birth parents nor adoptive parents nor the states involved for that matter...should have the right to say that we should not have contact with our adopted sibling.

If all involved are legally of age we should have the right to contact also. Parents on either side of the triad should understand that the siblings had no choice in this and never relinquished any rights. Many of us would eagerly welcome contact with our missing sibling.

There are several siblings in my family all older than myself or my adopted sibling and they know I am searching, if they choose not to have contact with her when and if I find her, that will be there choice. But I DO BELIEVE that siblings should have the right to choose for themselves if they want contact.

I am sorry authoress cannot get past her husbands apparent infidelity, and her fear that if this child comes looking for his or her father that it will bring her more pain, but this is no reason to punish the child. The child is not the one who had the affair with the other woman.

Please try to understand the child is as much or more a victim of the affair than she is. She had the choice to stay with her husband or not, the child had no choice in who its parents would be or how it would affect their lives.

Some siblings may choose not to have contact with an adoptee, especially if the child was from an affair that hurt thier natural parent and they grew up living in the pain cause by it. I feel sorry for them, they could be missing out on a wonderful relationship with someone special. I know this is not always the case, but you will never know if you never have any contact with them.

[lookingfr fam]

WOW is pretty much all I can say for now on the past few posts.

Let me begin with an update of my friends reunion with her bcousins. IT WENT GREAT

The bcousins were trully excited and welcomed her with open arms. They were amazed at how much she looked and acted like their aunt (bmom) They know in their heart they did the right thing by making contact with her. My friend is overwhelmed at the moment to say the least. After our LONG search and then the initial rejection this has been an emotional time for her. The contentment she feels at the moment is out of this world! The bcousins have also decided to contact her bsiblings for her too. They feel that both she and her siblings have the right to whatever kind of relationship they want out of this. While all of this may get a little ugly in the weeks to come(because of the bmom & baunts feelings) we all think this is the best decision in the end.

The post by authoress? PLEASE!!!! We all know there are those people out there. We've all either seen it first hand or have heard of it through someone else. The post by the others since have trully expressed my own feelings so I wont take the time to restate them now, however, the only other thought I have for her is.....

"unwanted child"????

That statement alone is the most revealing statement in your profile. Who was the child "unwanted" by? You or your husband? I am thankful the child was not raised by you and your husband. your anger is apparent and the Lord knew what He was doing by removing the child from your lives. Most bparents out there would never say "unwanted child" no matter what the circumstances were. You are speaking out of anger and it's time you "got over it". Adoptees are not the problem here. It was the decisions the "adults" made that are the root of the problem and it sounds like you and your husband have some unresolved issues to work through. Adoptees are innocent bystanders in all of this as are the bsiblings.

gardengirl~ good luck with your search. Are you close or have you just begun?

Shannon

[shirleyville]

Shannon,
Just wanted to smile at you and say that your friend's situation is somewhat similar to my own, in that my birthmom denied contact in January of 2003. I subsequently located one of her sisters, who, shockingly, I have known as a prominent woman in our community, most of my life. I actually went to school with my aunt's daughter, and we played on various sports teams together, for years.
My aunt was shocked, yet pleased to know I was happy and healthy. She did, however, feel that she would be betraying her sister if she agreed to contact, so she, too, denied contact. She did, however, share "the big family secret" with her daughter (the one I went to school with), and she and I have had some contact over the last year. (Her name is Shannon, by the way ) It's hard for my cousin, because she has been sworn to secrecy -- no one else in the family can know she's had contact with me, and she isn't "allowed" to share much with me.
I have a sister (only 14 months my junior) and two brothers (also in their 30's) who have no idea I exist. All of us (birthmom included) live within 10 miles of one another, and have, our entire lives.
My cousin says that there is NO WAY my siblings would be able to handle the knowledge that I exist. Their family has been filled with a lot of trauma for most of their lives......our mom married an alcoholic/gambling addict, and they have lived in semi-poverty most of their lives. When they were young, they lost their home to a fire, and had no insurance, so they were "homeless" for awhile and had to live with relatives on and off. Just a lot of "not so nice" circumstances in their lives, and our mother feels that clueing them in, at this late date, would do nothing more than cause more turmoil and trauma. Apparently, the family dynamic is such that stability isn't the "norm" and trauma/drama rule.
Unlike "Authoress", my birthmom's husband was in favor of contact for my birthmom and myself -- so much so, in fact, that his "abusive" side came out and a fight ensued.....which my cousin's father had to go break up.
It's not easy knowing that my entire birthfamily lives here -- in my own county. And it's not easy knowing that I have a sister and two brothers who have been thru so much hardship. I have had a charmed life -- one of privilege and accomplishment.....something my siblings have never known.
I respect my birthmom for the decisions she made -- both in 1964 and today. I reached out to her, and she wasn't able, emotionally, to reach back. Her largest wish in life is for my siblings to not know about the events of my birth and relinquishment -- and while this is not something I agree with, I have enough respect for her to honor those wishes.
From all accounts, my birthmother and my siblings are all each other has. They have clung to one another out of hardship, and have found strength in one another in the rockiest of times. They are all the stability that one another has -- and it isn't something I choose to take away from them. When I have has so much, it seems a small token to give her the peace of mind that I am not going to "rock" the only world she has, with her children and grandchildren.
I also know that I do not want my siblings first impression of me -- their big sister -- to be one of someone who has no respect for our mother. If I were to go to them and reveal my existance, against her wishes, what would they think of me? She asked me not to do that.....and to turn around and do it anyway, out of some selfish desire, is not the way I operate.
This effects so many more people than just my mother and three siblings. Each sibling has a spouse and there are seven grandchildren involved. Having felt "in the dark" and "powerless" for nearly 40 years, where my adoption was concerned, it is an almost overwhelming position of power I find myself in. Suddenly, for the first time in my life, I have all the power -- the power to totally change the lives of over 15 people with one two words -- "I'm Here".
Had I not been given the inside look at my family and their dynamics, I might have handled things differently....acted in haste and without forethought --- but after a year of soul searching and thoughtful consideration, I find that the thing I know in my heart, as the best way to handle this, is to leave it alone.
My mother, aunt and cousin know who I am and where I am.....if, one day, my mother decides she would like to reconsider, then she is free to do so. She knows I am open and more than willing to accept her into my life any day, at any time.
It may be hard for some to understand my decisions -- but to me, it's clear. All my life, I have wanted to let my mother know that I am a happy, healthy, stable and respectful woman -- I've wanted to thank her for the life she gave me by using it to its fullest. I feel that perhaps the best gift I can give to her -- the only gift -- is respect.
Hugs to All,
Sally

[qpelf]

I just read your post asking about the b-sibs right to know your friend. That is a touchy subject. I don't think there are any cut and dry, right and wrong answers that apply to ALL reunions. What may work for one family could be disasterous for another. First let me ask, are all the b-sibs adults now? If not, then I think your friend would have to honor the b-mom's wishes of no contact. It doesn't always seem fair that b-parents have all the control in a search and reunion, but unfortunately the laws are stated that way in most circumstances. It would seem that the adoptee should have equal rights to know that part of themselves, but that isn't the case.

I just finished helping my husband search for his b-family. It was a long drawn out process with a lot of emotions, but none of it carried as much emotion as that first contact. In his case, his b-mom was deceased so she wasn't an issue. What he did find out was that he has 9 siblings. That first phone call was nerve wracking, but they accepted him with open arms. Two of the 9 were also adopted out and he hasn't had contact with them yet. It would appear that one of these two doesn't want contact with the b-family at all. We found out about the sibs and made contact for the first time two weeks ago today and we've already had a face to face reunion with one of the b-sibs and hopefully will meet the rest at the end of the month. Ours turned out okay. But I have a close friend at work who had just the opposite happen with her 1/2 brothers. So I agree with some of the others, contact the b-aunts and see what the feel for the situation is. Who knows, maybe one of the b-aunts might be able to reason with the b-mom if your friend still wants contact with her after the initial rejection.

[lookingfr fam]

Sally~

Thank you for sharing your story with me and all who will read it

There does happen to be a lot of likeness between your and my friends situation, however, the one (and biggest) thing is that my friends bdad was married with 2 other children. We believe thats the reason bmom made the birth (gave birth at home) and adoption quiet. She did not want to disrupt the bdads life and hurt his marriage. Something I think all can respect. HOWEVER....think of Tim & Millie! Perhaps bdad and wife could be a Tim & Millie and not an authoress & husband. I know the Tim & Millies of this world are few and far between, but none the less, feel bdad should have been/should be given the opportunity to decide for himself as well.

I agree this is a touchy situation! One that has our heads spinning! While I believe you have made the right choice for you and your family for the time being, I also believe for my friend the right decision is to make the contact. Isnt it strange how every story has and NEEDS a different outcome? For my friend contact is needed, not only on her part but also on the siblings part. The cousins and us believe they have some knowledge of the birth of my friend. The siblings were 9,7,5 & 3(twins) when friend was born, at home I might add, and she was not adopted until she was 3 months old. From what the baunts say the birth/child was never talked about in the family at all. The siblings are in their 40's and late 30's now. The cousins believe this is a good thing for the siblings and something they will welcome.

The biggest thing that pops out at me here is HONESTY! If only the world would practice a little honesty there wouldn't be these situations to muddle through!

While my friend would never have wished another life and is happy with the family the Lord gave her she, like so many adoptees has a NEED to know where she comes from. She said the connection she felt with her cousins was something she has never experienced before. The likeness between she and them was amazing! She felt like she belonged and was connected with them and they expressed the same feelings.

For me and my situation, it's a bit different. I have been in contact with baunt & then bmom. I also have siblings out there who may or may not want to have contact with me(they were born & adopted after we were). I know of them and at this point they know of me. for now that is enough for me. At first I thought I wanted to have contact and dreamed of what the relationship would be like, but as time has passed that NEED has eased a bit. I believe for adoptees it's the not knowing that kills us the most. Now that I know I can say Cool, now what do I want to do with the information. Like you, suddenly I am in control and hold all the power, something I have never experienced before.

The other thing to consider here is that EVERYONE feels different about the situations we are faced with. While I am open to a relationship and have forgiven my bmom my brothers (who were adopted with me) are not. For them they WANT TO KNOW, but do not want contact. That is their decision and their right. The same could be for my friends sib's. Some may want to know and make contact and others may not. The key is being given that choice.

Okay I have rambled enough. Thanks again for your input.

Shannon

[shirleyville]

I agree wholeheartedly that it's an "individual" thing -- I am, in general, in favor of contacting birth siblings, and would have done so, myself, in a heartbeat, had I not found out about the family dynamics. My decision was based on the "fragile" nature of the family, as a whole.......but if I hadn't known, I would have been writing my sister the moment I located her.
My poor sister.....she was raised for 38 years believing the man she knew as her father, was her biological dad (he's the father of my brothers and they were all raised together). Unfortunately, he isn't her father, and because my mother refused contact, her "wonderful" husband decided that as a form of "punishment", he would announce, at a family dinner, that he was NOT Debbie's birthfather!!!! Great guy, huh? This news sent her reeling, apparently, and she hasn't been quite right since. I have no idea what the news of ME might do to her!!
At this point, I have no idea who my father is -- or who Debbie's is. I don't know if we are full siblings or half. To complicate matters, shortly after I was born, my mother was married to her sister's husband's brother....who may, or may not be one of our fathers...or both of our fathers. There is also some speculation, that I might be the offspring of my aunt's husband -- which is even worse! He is a HUGE public figure in our community, and it stands to reason why no one would want this to come out.
I am not "done" by any means, where my birthfather is concerned! I won't rest until I figure out who he is.........that's a given!
Best of luck to everyone!!
Hugs,
Sally

[authoress]

"Why, in specific, do you feel so strongly that adoptees do not benefit from knowing their heritage....where they come from....their "birth situation" as you call it."

Because in almost ALL adoptive situations, the bparents went through a LOT of pain in making decisions to give up the adoptee. In some cases, there's rape; don't you think that knowing that would potentially create lifetime emotional turmoil in an adoptee? Or suppose you find out that the bmom and bdad just had a brief quickie, and the mom was a brainwashed religious nut who wouldn't (or couldn't, due to parental pressure) have an abortion, so she went through the adoption process. I mean, rarely...IF EVER...do you find an adoptive situation in which the bparents were happy campers. I suppose also I realize that many natural parents abuse and mistreat their biological offspring -- even with the possibility of incest -- and think that a great many adoptees are much better off NOT knowing their so-called "heritage." Biological/medical info yes, but beyond that...I wonder how many adoptees would really seek out bparents IF they realized the horrible consequences in finding something really, really bad in their bparent situation? Or how many would search if the media wasn't hyping all the 'wonderful' reunions, when in fact, the majority of them turn out NOT to be good or positive at all.

In my case, my husband DID tell me about the girl who 'claimed' she was pregnant by him before we married; it had happened long before he and I met. We also decided NOT to have children before we married, and have no regrets about that decision. And neither of us want an adoptee popping up to intrude into our lives now -- and I do mean BOTH of us feel this way. So IF this adoptee ever contacted him/us, he/she would, I am sure take our attitude as another "rejection." Oh, and by the way, my husband and I have been happily married for 30+ years!

As I stated, the whole incident of the adoption happened before I ever met him; the girl also dated other guys as well as my husband. My husband told me all about it BEFORE we married, and trust me, he really wasn't sure it was his child -- back then DNA testing wasn't done. The girl named him, he signed papers to, as he put it, "Get her off his back." So again, if an adoptee showed up, there'd have to be DNA testing done first...not just with my husband but other guys the girl was dating back then. These things happen people, accept that there is usually NOT going to be a happy situation involved in ANY kind of adoptee's birth situation.

I really think that adoptees should honor and cherish their adoptive parents -- they are the ones who are their TRUE mothers and fathers.

[MelissaJohnson]

I thnk that mayby you have only heard the bad parts regarding birthmothers and there desicion to place. I myself am placing a child for adoption and there are no horible things that I have to tell this baby when He/She grows up. I just think that the adoptive parents could give baby a better life. I could give baby an O.K. life but they could give baby a great one. So should this baby not know me because I want to do the right thing? Mayby if you find some good adoption stories you might rethink this

[ChristiBender]

Authoress - you need to open your eyes to other situations and possibilities.

There are WONDERFUL reunions out there. LOTS of them. I am IN them... 2 of them. I have a great relationship with my birthmother. I talk to her frequently during the week. I just had a phone call last night with my birthfather that lasted almost 3 1/2 hours. We laughed until our sides hurt. It was amazing. Both my birthparents are well adjusted, happy, NORMAL people.

My adoptive parents and I have a great relationship too. I talk to my mom 3-4 days a week. I talk to my dad less often, but we are getting along o.k. He is an abusive alcoholic and still drinking. We work around it the best we can.

My adoptive brother and sister laugh that they are not "blood" relatives to me but they are 100% my brother and sister. Then I found 2 more 1/2 sisters and a 1/2 brother through my birthparents. Funny... they ARE blood related but they are my 1/2 siblings. My adoptive family is my family. My birthfamilies are my family too.

There are wonderful reunions and crappy reunions. Just like there are great natural families and not so great natural families. I have to wonder if you had a really ugly childhood and that is why you feel so closed off to knowing your own roots. What a shame. I am sorry if that is the case. Or perhaps you are just feeling sorry, in advance, for the cold heart you have that you would so blatently slam the door in an innocent person's face if they appeared. It must be painful for you to know that you have the ability to be so uncaring.

Not all adoptees want new families. Some just want to know the story of how they came to be ---- even if it is rape... or a quickie. That is life. Most of us are capable of dealing with it even if it isn't pretty. The truth is always better than the unknown.

I have to question.... when there are missing child ... do you think the police shouldn't search? What if they found the child dead? Wouldn't that be horrible? Perhaps the parents should just wonder instead, huh? Maybe they can live with the unknown better.... is that what you are suggesting? I know this is an extreme example... but how is it any different? Still flesh and blood. Still a questionable outcome. And still, the bottom line for the people "in the dark" is almost ALWAYS that the truth is better than the unknown.

I have to wonder why if all this is SUCH ancient history (30+ years ago)... why is it haunting you now?? And what unknowns are scaring you to death?

[lewellen]

Authoress,


Okay, say a young woman who is brainwashed in a religous cult goes out and has a quickie and is raped on her way home by a gang of cocaine crazed vandals. What does that have to do with the kid?

In your post you say the husband signed just ot "get her off his back", would it be different is he had just had sex with her? The fact is it happened, you cannot go back and change it. Why would you blame the one person who had nothing to do with it, the child? Direct your anger at your husband, better yet, let it go. Look at it this way, you didn't have anything to do with it either. You are in the same place as the child.


We understand that we had no control over the circumstances of our birth, nobody does, are you sure nobody's lying to you? There is no way to tell without DNA. For all you know yor father could have been the Grand Poohbah of some suburban bridge club/ satanic cult.

I do know people who conceived because of a rape. They know that it has nothing to do with who they are. One has a very close and loving relationship with her b-mom. She has met her b-dad, she's not crazy about the guy, but she can deal with it.
We are all aware that things weren't the greatest with our b-families at the time of our births. It's part of being adopted. Time passes, people grow, situations that were unmanagable become something else.

Many b-parents wish to know that there kid turned out okay. Most of us did. Reunion is not a one-sided thing. My a-parents were very supportive of my reunion, they wanted to know too. People are strong, they are curious, they wonder. My whole b-family wondered about me. Our reunion has brought peace to all of us. The events of almost forty years ago seem unimportant at this point in all our lives.

I can't imagine living in fear of someone as harmless as most adoptees. Forgive your husband. Forgive the other woman (can she even be considered the "other woman" if you weren't in the picture yet?). Forgive the child. Forgive yourself, you had nothing to do with it. It isn't your problem.


LewEllen

[kiwi]

This is SO close to home for me. I was adopted by my step dad at birth. Looking back, it wasn't a proper adoption but it does't matter, he's my Daddy.

authoress-

Because in almost ALL adoptive situations, the bparents went through a LOT of pain in making decisions to give up the adoptee. In some cases, there's rape; don't you think that knowing that would potentially create lifetime emotional turmoil in an adoptee?

My mom and bfather were going to get married and she got pregnant within days of them calling the wedding off. He didn't care. He tried to deny KNOWING my mom let alone that he was the FATHER! I wrote to him a few years ago but he didn't respond.

My mom always felt that it was so unfair to my bgrandma, Anne, so after I was born (with a father figure already in my life) my mom took me to meet Anne and invited her to as much contact with me as she wanted. Though communication has been sparse, Anne has always been straight-foreward with me. She's sent me pictures of her, her son, his daughters. She's told me that bfather's wife was SO adament that their daughters never know about me because it would just rip their family apart. Anne seemed to think that was hooey as much as I did. It wasn't about the family, it was about HER and how insecure she felt. I've waited until I'm certain that those half siblings are of age to make decisions for themselves and then some just for good measure.

So one good thing that did come out of authoress's post is that it was a sharp kick in the pants to finally take that letter to my half sisters that I've had all typed out for months and put it in the mail.

She'll have it early next week. I have not had sisters in my life and I grew up the youngest. My heart is pounding in my chest. No one else in my family looks as much like me as those siblings do. Wish me luck.

Sarah

[debsdone]

I am somewhat confused about your posts. Obviously you have strong feelings about the child your husband fathered. Why? My husband fathered a child before we were together that he didn't find out about for quite some time. I would LOVE for him to "find" us! He is part of my husband; and thereby part of our family. Is it really necessary to develop all these "theories" about adoption in general to justify your position? You are quite a bit off in your assessments about the adoption situation, it seems to me. What exactly is it you are so afraid of? Curious......Debi

[l-thompson]

I wonder how many adoptees would really seek out bparents IF they realized the horrible consequences in finding something really, really bad in their bparent situation? Or how many would search if the media wasn't hyping all the 'wonderful' reunions, when in fact, the majority of them turn out NOT to be good or positive at all.

I think you would be surprised!!You are underestimating adoptees reasons for searching. Regardless of what I found at the end of my search, I still would have searched. I wasn't looking for a fairytale ending, I wasn't looking for the picture perfect family. I was looking for my roots, where I came from, my beginnings, my heritage - good or bad. I just wanted some answers....