[Amanda_Y]

Gosh Where do I start? When I was three years old my mother had a baby boy that she gave up for adoption. This is so painful for me. For a long time I was just so angry. I felt my mom had cheated me out of the chance to grow up with my brother. I was robed of a relationship with him. All of my teens I was angry with my mom. I still don't understand separating siblings like that.

Now I am 26. For the most part I have let go of my anger. My relationship with my mom is getting much better, still healing. She called the other day and said a Social Worker called her and said my brother had registered with them to find my mom. First they have to go through a 30 day counseling period before they get information or meet. The social worker told me I could send a letter and pictures even, I just have to send them to her first and she sends it to him.

So here I am trying to collect my thoughts. I am just overcome with all these emotions. I have a million things I want to say and ask but I don't want to say the wrong thing and I don't want to scare him away. I am so afraid he will decide not to go through with this. What do I say?

[shirleyville]

I don't think there is any "magic formula" for what is right or wrong to say in a situation like this. Every situation is as unique as the people in them....which is of absolutely no help to you, I know! I always believe in following your heart! I tend to say what I want to say....what I feel.....and let the recipient sort out how they want to process it. I prefer to be who I am....that way, there are no "surprises" down the road.
My birthmom denied contact with me in January of 2003, and around that time, I learned that I have a sister who is 14 months my junior and two brothers, also in their 30's who have no idea that I exist.
If I were to receive the "perfect letter" from one of them, I would, first and foremost, want to "hear" that they had known about me, and had wanted to know me. It would feel wonderful to me to know that my existance had been shared with my siblings, and that I had been "a part" of their lives, if only in their hearts.
I would want to know how they felt about my attempt at contact....what they were thinking and feeling about the potential meeting of a new sibling.
I'd want to know what they look like....what their interests are....if they have children or if they are married -- you know, everyday things.
I'd want to know what to expect from my mother....if she is scared about meeting....if she has a lot of pain involved.....advice on how to talk to her......advice about family dynamics.
I'd want to know that it's okay to be myself and to talk about anything I wanted to without fear of hurting someone or offending them.
I don't know if any of that helps or not, but those are some of the millions of things I would want to know or hear about!
Keep us posted, okay??
Hugs,
Sally

[Amanda_Y]

Thank you so much. That helps more than you know. I find myself wanting to know EVERYTHING about him and his life and his family. I want to meet his aparents. I despertly want to be apart of his life and him apart of mine. He told the social worker he had good aparents although he had some hardships. He also has made it clear that his amom will always be his mom and I really do understand. Do I tell him that many times I wished I had been adopted with him because my life has been extremely hard and just awful? I got a card to send that says..." If it were a perfect world, I could stretch my arms all the way to where you are, and give you a great big hug.......Of course if the world were perfect, we wouldn't be apart in the first place."

Shirlyville I am so sorry that your bmom denied contact. I can't imagine how painful that would be. At the very least you should be given the chance to know your sister and brothers!

[shirleyville]

I might refrain from saying you wished you had been adopted with him because you had such a rough go of it with your mom -- at least, initially. Those kinds of things can be saved until later in your relationship, after trust has been established.
For now, I would keep things on the positive side as much as you can.....making him feel wanted and welcomed....share common ground things initially, Since you said that he mentioned he'd had some trials, himself, I imagine there will be a time in the not so far away future that sharing your experiences of growing up will the focus of many conversations, but I don't think the initial contact letter would be the time to do it.
Hugs,
Sally

[Amanda_Y]

I know your right, I am just over eager to share everything I guess Just talked to the social worker again today. She got to talk to him this morning. It is amazing how much we are alike. I am 5'9 Brown hair hazel eyes, he is 6'1 Brown hair hazel eyes. We both dropped out of school then went back. We are both in college right now and both A students. And we both like the same kind of music. He does want a relationship and he was excited that I am sending pictures. That just makes me so happy. But having to wait 30 days is really hard. I can't even learn his name or tell him mine until then.