[thesearchguru]

RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION
(Author Unknown)

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:

Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world

Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests

Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other’s life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts.

Preoccupation with other party

Minor negotiations about relationship, ie. What to call birth parent

Some uncertainty about place or role in other’s life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:

One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back

Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience

Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:

Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development

If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again – different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile

If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:

Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back

Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection

Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:

Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas

Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge




Email:
California Website:


Other great websites to check out:
http://www.adoptionchat.com
http://www.adoptionlists.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org
http://registry.adoption.com/

[papaeck]

well, im kind of new to this site and im a birthmom who has been reunited w b daughter and married her dad. it has been 2 yrs of reuniting, she did walk away 13 yrs ago after 1 yr. my problem is she is having a hard time visiting us. she gets sick before and after the visit. all time on phone is good. i want the best for her, any suggestions, i dont want to offend her by telling her not to come to visit again. thanks pam from papaeck

[Torango]

I think this is great on expectations for birth parents and adopted children, but are there many contributions regarding the stages for the siblings of adopted children and what may happen to their relationships with these children and their parents? I have an unusual circumstance being the sibling of adopted daughter whose has contacted their birth mother, in other words my mother. In my case, our mother was not the best person. She is quite self centered and selfish unfortunately, and this was brought into the relationship with my adopted sibling and me. My mother took great pains to keep the two of us apart as she was afraid of what I might tell her newfound daughter about her and the life I had in not being given up for adoption. My mother wanted to maintain the glow of being a perfect mother for the newfound daughter. The adopted daughter was made in a way to make a choice between a relationship with her newfound mother or a biological sister. My mother made it impossible for her to have both. Very sad, and just one of the situations that can and did occur for me. I wonder if there are any other adoptee siblings that have experienced this and how they handled it. Thank you.

[kune]

I want to bump this up for those just starting their reunion - It's "must have" information.

[Zinnamongirl]

I recently found my father who abandoned my mother and me over 50 years ago. He disappeared, moved out of the country and we never heard from him again. I have been searching for my father for most of my life. So I was very happy to find him. I wrote to him right away. My letter was answered within a few weeks with an urgent flurry of phone calls from my brother.

As it turns out my father has had a wonderful and charmed life without me. He went on to marry and had 2 more children. I was happy to hear from my brother and assumed it was a friendly call. It was not. He was calling to tell me to stay away, that my father wants nothing to do with me, neither does my sister and that his mother will go insane and kill herself if she ever finds out about me.

That was 4 months ago and I have been upset, sleepless and sad over it ever since. I already know I will have to seek therapy to deal with his rejection.

It would be nice to have a relationship with my brother, sister and my father and his family, but that does not seem possible. I have to be realistic. But at the same time I also would like to exercise my birth rights. For one, I would like to know my paternity with all certainty.

My father is in his 70's and time is of the essence.

How do I at least get a DNA test to determine once and for all my paternity? I want to at least set my ancestral and birth records straight.

Sigh!

Any thoughts on how I can do this and how to proceed? Is it all as hopeless as I think?

Please note, that I was not adopted. My father did not give me up for adoption - he just skipped out. I was eventually placed into an orphanage, left to languish without ever being adopted.

[Jackiejdajda]

I am so sorry..
It must be terrible to be rejected like this..
I do not have any answers other than take care of yourself.. and your father and his family sound wrong..

but take care of you.. do not allow them to harm you further..

Jackie