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  #1  
Old 03-30-2004, 08:52 AM
thesearchguru thesearchguru is offline
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Exclamation ~Relationship Stages After a Reunion

RELATIONSHIP STAGES AFTER REUNION
(Author Unknown)

Not every individual goes through every stage; they may not be sequential, they may be repeated. The stages are common to the post-reunion period and are normal consequences of reunion.

HONEYMOON STAGE:

Characterized by euphoria, joy and sense of being on top of the world

Effort made by parties to find similarity and common interests

Much time spent together in an effort to catch up on each other’s life with exchanges of photos, letter and gifts.

Preoccupation with other party

Minor negotiations about relationship, ie. What to call birth parent

Some uncertainty about place or role in other’s life, frequency of contact, how to introduce each other to friends and family members

TIME OUT STAGE:

One party may pull back to evaluate and process events. The honeymoon is over. Other party may feel confused when this happens. Birth parents may feel hurt, angry, frustrated and frightened if adoptee pulls back and adoptee may feel rejected by birth parent if he/she pulls back

Problems in relationship may develop here due to lack of understanding of the process; society has few role models for this experience

Parties may seek professional help to resolve situation

SHOWDOWN STAGE:

Confrontation of parties to address status of relationship and its future development

If birth parent initiates confrontation, she/he may fear loss of child again – different confronting adopted adult because biological tie is not enough to assure success. In parenting, the element of permanency exists and the bond is not so fragile

If adopted adult confronts birth parents, she/he may fear being rejected by birth parents

DISENGAGEMENT STAGE:

Characterized by adopted adult or birth parents really moving away from the other, not just pulling back

Can be extremely painful for either party with feelings of anger, loss and rejection

Can occur if expectations are too rigid and differences between parties are too great

SOLIDIFYING STAGE:

Characterized by earnest negotiations between parties; roles, differences, issues continue to be worked on, but the relationship is more solid and settled with few ups and downs because agreement has been reached in many areas

Re-negotiations occur as life changes and growth takes place and new relationship roles emerge




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http://www.adoptionlists.com
http://www.adoption.com
http://www.adopting.org
http://registry.adoption.com/
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  #2  
Old 01-05-2007, 04:59 AM
papaeck papaeck is offline
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help for birthdaughter

well, im kind of new to this site and im a birthmom who has been reunited w b daughter and married her dad. it has been 2 yrs of reuniting, she did walk away 13 yrs ago after 1 yr. my problem is she is having a hard time visiting us. she gets sick before and after the visit. all time on phone is good. i want the best for her, any suggestions, i dont want to offend her by telling her not to come to visit again. thanks pam from papaeck
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Old 01-08-2007, 12:25 PM
Torango Torango is offline
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I think this is great on expectations for birth parents and adopted children, but are there many contributions regarding the stages for the siblings of adopted children and what may happen to their relationships with these children and their parents? I have an unusual circumstance being the sibling of adopted daughter whose has contacted their birth mother, in other words my mother. In my case, our mother was not the best person. She is quite self centered and selfish unfortunately, and this was brought into the relationship with my adopted sibling and me. My mother took great pains to keep the two of us apart as she was afraid of what I might tell her newfound daughter about her and the life I had in not being given up for adoption. My mother wanted to maintain the glow of being a perfect mother for the newfound daughter. The adopted daughter was made in a way to make a choice between a relationship with her newfound mother or a biological sister. My mother made it impossible for her to have both. Very sad, and just one of the situations that can and did occur for me. I wonder if there are any other adoptee siblings that have experienced this and how they handled it. Thank you.
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Old 01-20-2007, 03:57 AM
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kune kune is offline
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I want to bump this up for those just starting their reunion - It's "must have" information.
__________________
Dont spoil what you have by desiring what you have not; but remember that what you now have was once among the things only hoped for.
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  #5  
Old 05-16-2008, 01:45 PM
Zinnamongirl Zinnamongirl is offline
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I recently found my father who abandoned my mother and me over 50 years ago. He disappeared, moved out of the country and we never heard from him again. I have been searching for my father for most of my life. So I was very happy to find him. I wrote to him right away. My letter was answered within a few weeks with an urgent flurry of phone calls from my brother.

As it turns out my father has had a wonderful and charmed life without me. He went on to marry and had 2 more children. I was happy to hear from my brother and assumed it was a friendly call. It was not. He was calling to tell me to stay away, that my father wants nothing to do with me, neither does my sister and that his mother will go insane and kill herself if she ever finds out about me.

That was 4 months ago and I have been upset, sleepless and sad over it ever since. I already know I will have to seek therapy to deal with his rejection.

It would be nice to have a relationship with my brother, sister and my father and his family, but that does not seem possible. I have to be realistic. But at the same time I also would like to exercise my birth rights. For one, I would like to know my paternity with all certainty.

My father is in his 70's and time is of the essence.

How do I at least get a DNA test to determine once and for all my paternity? I want to at least set my ancestral and birth records straight.

Sigh!

Any thoughts on how I can do this and how to proceed? Is it all as hopeless as I think?

Please note, that I was not adopted. My father did not give me up for adoption - he just skipped out. I was eventually placed into an orphanage, left to languish without ever being adopted.
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  #6  
Old 05-17-2008, 07:01 AM
Jackiejdajda Jackiejdajda is offline
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I am so sorry..
It must be terrible to be rejected like this..
I do not have any answers other than take care of yourself.. and your father and his family sound wrong..

but take care of you.. do not allow them to harm you further..

Jackie
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  #7  
Old 12-02-2008, 09:18 PM
Zinnamongirl Zinnamongirl is offline
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Your sister is a blessing. She could be there for you long after your mother has passed on. If you chase her off now by not being 100% supportive you may come to regret it later. Like when your mother is old and in need of elder care.

Don't become an obstacle to your sister and mother re-uniting. If you do, you will hurt your sister deeper than you can ever appreciate or imagine. Just let your mom and sister do their thing ... and bake them cookies while they are doing it.

Your sister may be a stranger now but she is your family. You need to open your heart and let her in. Don't stand in her way, whatever you do. It will only make a lot of people unhappy and may backfire on you in the long run.

You need to build your own relationship and friendship with your newly found sister. Once you are friends with your sister, everything else will fall into place. It may take several years, but you will get there.

Group therapy really helped me through a lot of my birth family reunion issues. You might give it a try, it can't hurt.

Look at it from a child's perspective ... more people to love you ... and more present for your Birthday!

I wish you much luck!!
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  #8  
Old 12-02-2008, 09:24 PM
Zinnamongirl Zinnamongirl is offline
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Torango

Quote:
Originally Posted by Torango
I think this is great on expectations for birth parents and adopted children, but are there many contributions regarding the stages for the siblings of adopted children and what may happen to their relationships with these children and their parents? I have an unusual circumstance being the sibling of adopted daughter whose has contacted their birth mother, in other words my mother. In my case, our mother was not the best person. She is quite self centered and selfish unfortunately, and this was brought into the relationship with my adopted sibling and me. My mother took great pains to keep the two of us apart as she was afraid of what I might tell her newfound daughter about her and the life I had in not being given up for adoption. My mother wanted to maintain the glow of being a perfect mother for the newfound daughter. The adopted daughter was made in a way to make a choice between a relationship with her newfound mother or a biological sister. My mother made it impossible for her to have both. Very sad, and just one of the situations that can and did occur for me. I wonder if there are any other adoptee siblings that have experienced this and how they handled it. Thank you.


Congratulations! How wonderful that you found your sister!

I have been going through the same thing for years. First with my birth mother and the 6 half siblings that came with that relationship. And now with my birth father and the 2 half siblings that comes with him.

One day it's just me and the next I have 8 half siblings.

I find it useful to concentrate on one relationship at a time. You seem to be taking your personal relationship baggage that you have with your mother and are dumping it into your new relationship with your newly found sister.

You don't meet the normal family and sibling dynamic so your relationship with your mother and the relationship with your sister need to be kept separate - for now.

Remember, this is your re-union too.

The most important thing is not to get in the way of the reunion between your mother and your sister. Don't poison their relationship with your own childhood resentments and negativity. You must allow your mother and your sister to forge their own relationship. And you must do this while also being nurturing and supportive of their reunion.

Your sister is a blessing. She could be there for you long after your mother has passed on. If you chase her off now by not being 100% supportive you may come to regret it later. Like when your mother is old and in need of elder care.

Don't become an obstacle to your sister and mother re-uniting. If you do, you will hurt your sister deeper than you can ever appreciate or imagine. Just let your mom and sister do their thing ... and bake them cookies while they are doing it.

Your sister may be a stranger now but she is your family. You need to open your heart and let her in. Don't stand in her way, whatever you do. It will only make a lot of people unhappy and may backfire on you in the long run.

You need to build your own relationship and friendship with your newly found sister. Once you are friends with your sister, everything else will fall into place. It may take several years, but you will get there.

Group therapy really helped me through a lot of my birth family reunion issues. You might give it a try, it can't hurt.
Look at it from a child's perspective ... more people to love you ... and more present for your Birthday!

I wish you much luck!!
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  #9  
Old 12-29-2008, 10:16 PM
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Blue Irish Eyes Blue Irish Eyes is offline
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Wow, your story is worse than some of ours. To know who your father is, that he skipped out on you and your mother and that you ended up in an orphanage and never had a happy home is beyond sad and difficult.
I wish I could find some way to encourage you to continue on but like you, I got the " if you ever try to contact any of us again I will sue you" from my half sister...I too would like the health and genetic information.
Since you have a locate on your father, is there anyway you might find some relatives of his..it would have to be done quietly but surely there are some relatives of his, and are first degree relatives to you, that perhaps could shed some light on family background.
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  #10  
Old 12-30-2008, 10:17 AM
Zinnamongirl Zinnamongirl is offline
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Be careful what you wish for!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Irish Eyes
Wow, your story is worse than some of ours. To know who your father is, that he skipped out on you and your mother and that you ended up in an orphanage and never had a happy home is beyond sad and difficult.
I wish I could find some way to encourage you to continue on but like you, I got the " if you ever try to contact any of us again I will sue you" from my half sister...I too would like the health and genetic information.
Since you have a locate on your father, is there anyway you might find some relatives of his..it would have to be done quietly but surely there are some relatives of his, and are first degree relatives to you, that perhaps could shed some light on family background.

Thank you for your kind sentiment. There have been some positive developments since my original post. I did just as you suggested and began to contact other family members and relatives. As soon as I did that my father had to face the reality of me - as he had to answer to our other relatives. This caused a flurry of angry phone exchanges between me and my brother. Since my half brother put his mother (my step mother) in the fore front as the obstacle to over come in order for me to have a relationship with my biological father, naturally I targeted her. I figured what he was telling me was just an excuse to keep me at a distance. I had a feeling that this weak minded and feeble woman is probably a lot stronger, smarter and compassionate than she is given credit for. I decided to gamble on her and give her the benefit of a doubt. I felt she needed to know about me. I decided that I would help my father do the right thing by me and by her. What my brother and father were asking of me was too much. After all it was not my fault that my father did not tell his wife of 50 years that he already had a child with another woman. That he has a daughter. As long as I was to be kept a secret - I would get nowhere. So I made it clear to the rest of the family that I would make sure that she would find out. I contacted an attorney and started legal proceedings to assert my birth rights in any way or loop hole that I could find. I made such a constant pain of myself that eventually my father relented and told his wife about me.

Well, as I suspected, my step mother turns out to be a compassionate woman. She did not go insane nor did she kill herself. What she did was take care of business, as any woman with a little capacity for love in her heart would. Then I got the happy phone call. I spoke to my father for the first time in my life! Both my father and step mother called me and we talked for about an hour. It was a very friendly conversation, we caught up on each others lives, exchanged information and the call ended on a very positive note. My father told me he would ask my sister to call me. Both my father and my step mother invited me to call them again. I cried for 3 days after the call.

I waited and hoped with happy anticipation that my sister would call - but she never did. My brother probably thinks I'm a crazy nut job. I e-mailed him with a friendly note and an apology for being such an ^$#&+* about everything. He called me and left me a nice voice mail message. Made sure to stress ... that he is my HALF brother. Lol He promised to call again at a later date and that we would talk longer.

I'm learning that birth family reunions take patience, good legal maneuvering and are an ongoing and gradual process. Even with the positive development I know this will take time. Yet, time is also of the essence. I hope that my father lives the 20 years in good health it will take, for our relationship to evolve. I would love to visit him, and even more so, I would love to bring him and his wife to visit me. But I know that would be too much to expect. To bring him into my life and meet this side of his family is my ultimate goal.

Once he meets me and sees what I'm all about, I can't imagine him being anything but proud of me and the life I have made for myself. He would bust with pride over his now grown grandchildren, and his outrageously cute - great grand children. Inwardly he must be pleased with himself to have all this added offspring. He would be tremendously pleased ... if he actually took the time and effort upon himself to get to know this part of his family.


But ... I'm prepared to give us all some more time ... to get used to the idea of each other. Patience ....
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  #11  
Old 12-30-2008, 11:06 AM
Zinnamongirl Zinnamongirl is offline
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Beware of the HALF Siblings!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Irish Eyes
Wow, your story is worse than some of ours. To know who your father is, that he skipped out on you and your mother and that you ended up in an orphanage and never had a happy home is beyond sad and difficult.
I wish I could find some way to encourage you to continue on but like you, I got the " if you ever try to contact any of us again I will sue you" from my half sister...I too would like the health and genetic information.
Since you have a locate on your father, is there anyway you might find some relatives of his..it would have to be done quietly but surely there are some relatives of his, and are first degree relatives to you, that perhaps could shed some light on family background.

In regard to the other Siblings! Beware! Siblings have their own issues with a reuniting sibling. Siblings may be jealous, insecure and unwilling to share their parent. At the root of that fear may be an inheritance or the fear of losing or having to share a parents material resources. Siblings should not be allowed to interfere with your reunion with your birth parent. And unless they are legally responsible for your parent, as in they are their legal guardians ... they have no legal right to interfere. The legal ball is actually in your court. You have every right to claim your birth right, any possible inheritance (fantastic legal loop hole) and anything else that would be coming to you - had you not been abandoned. And you have the legal right to assert yourself - vigorously.

I went through the same thing with my birth mother. When I first found her she rejected me - harshly. My only contact with her over a span of 30 years was through my siblings, mainly my younger sister. For 25 years my mother and I got absolutely nowhere. We didn't even speak. I finally gave up on trying and fell off the radar. Then 4 years ago I made contact with my mother again. And again through my most parent monopolizing and family domineering sibling - my younger sister. I spent months waiting for my mother to call me - nothing. Then I decided to go behind my sisters back and contacted my mother myself. Voila! My mother embraced the contact with open arms. Once I removed my siblings, especially my (over bearing and controlling sister) from the picture my relationship with my mother has flourished in ways I could only dream of before.

Basically ... each relationship must be kept separate. Each relationship must be allowed to develop without interference. Your relationship with your parent is none of your siblings business. Don't give them any power over it, you don't have to and they will probably abuse it. Most sibling rivalry starts the minute the new baby comes home from the hospital. If it were up to most siblings the new baby would probably be OUT of the picture! Why should a lost sibling reunion be any different?

It's a shame really. We other siblings have much to offer our new found families. You would think that our siblings would welcome all the added love and attention their parent will receive from us and our families. But ... that too will take time.

BTW ... it is the editorial you that I refer to.
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  #12  
Old 12-30-2008, 03:41 PM
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Blue Irish Eyes Blue Irish Eyes is offline
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Three cheers for you!. What a gal...I am proud of your success and determination to get to this stage. I wish my story was as successful.
I was born in MO at St Vincent's Hospital and placed right after birth in the adjacent orphanage called St Anthony's Home for Infants. After my parents passed away, because to try to get any info on my natural parents I would have had to have their permission regardless of how old we are, I went to CC and a CI was assigned and I got my non id info. Later I hired a PI to see if, with the little info I had, if my natural parents could be found..and she found my natural mother. I spoke to her once and she was not happy that I found her. She did not want any pictures, was not interested to know how or what I became nothing. She was polite but fearful I think. Anyway because she wanted no more contact I respected her. Then I wrote to the aunts the PI located. I got one letter and it was nasty..and Cora speaks for all of them it seems as none of the others bothered to write. Then with my own efforts on genealogy websites I filled in lots of the info and just kept at it. I finally found a cousin..google is amazing. We linked up, and I have to tell you about how that goes now, and became fast friends. She filled me in on that family and largely it is one to stay away from. I made a trip to see her and look at the countryside where my natural mother lived, she was now deceased, and lo and behold we located someone who gave me an address of a half brother. I spoke to him but in the end it ended badly..my half sister had known about me and that I used a PI thanks to that aunt who forwarded a copy of the letter I wrote to them to my natural mother who kept it~ For someone who didn't want anyone to know about me...wow my half sister told me through my half brother, who seems like a really nice man by the way, that if I ever tried to contact them again they would sue me. I didn't want anything other than to see a picture of my natural mother, to learn about her likes and dislikes, her talents and faborite foods and colors etc.
As to the evolution of relationships with the newly found natural family, my cousin who is a dear dear person, and her kids, said I resemble their mom in terms of voice and gestures..it is " creepy good" and my aunt, whom they tell me would have loved to meet me, is gone..After a long visit here, when I would call my cousin would be busy or not there etc so I stopped calling though we do email at least a couple times a week , That honeymoon period is past and things are really more normal in that respect than daily emails and so many calls. Then not long ago, she confided that it is my strong similarities to her mom that makes it hard over the phone. In person not so much. and her daughters who once in a while used to send a note do not now. That part is sad but there is no anger..just how it is.
So I wish you good luck with the development of the relationship with your natural famaily and half siblings. I think the half siblings are worried that you are going to take their father away from them and when they finally learn that is not your goal they may come round. They may also be afraid you may challenge them in court for estate matters which you may legally be entitled to do inasmuch as he abandoned you and you were never placed with a family. But that is for lawyers. I made it clear to my half brother I was not interested in any thing in terms of properties for our natual mother I just wanted to know about her. As to my natural father..don't know who he is or if he even knew about me..\
Keep us posted on how things develop for you..
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Old 12-30-2008, 05:03 PM
Zinnamongirl Zinnamongirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue Irish Eyes
Three cheers for you!. What a gal...I am proud of your success and determination to get to this stage. I wish my story was as successful.
I was born in MO at St Vincent's Hospital and placed right after birth in the adjacent orphanage called St Anthony's Home for Infants. After my parents passed away, because to try to get any info on my natural parents I would have had to have their permission regardless of how old we are, I went to CC and a CI was assigned and I got my non id info. Later I hired a PI to see if, with the little info I had, if my natural parents could be found..and she found my natural mother. I spoke to her once and she was not happy that I found her. She did not want any pictures, was not interested to know how or what I became nothing. She was polite but fearful I think. Anyway because she wanted no more contact I respected her. Then I wrote to the aunts the PI located. I got one letter and it was nasty..and Cora speaks for all of them it seems as none of the others bothered to write. Then with my own efforts on genealogy websites I filled in lots of the info and just kept at it. I finally found a cousin..google is amazing. We linked up, and I have to tell you about how that goes now, and became fast friends. She filled me in on that family and largely it is one to stay away from. I made a trip to see her and look at the countryside where my natural mother lived, she was now deceased, and lo and behold we located someone who gave me an address of a half brother. I spoke to him but in the end it ended badly..my half sister had known about me and that I used a PI thanks to that aunt who forwarded a copy of the letter I wrote to them to my natural mother who kept it~ For someone who didn't want anyone to know about me...wow my half sister told me through my half brother, who seems like a really nice man by the way, that if I ever tried to contact them again they would sue me. I didn't want anything other than to see a picture of my natural mother, to learn about her likes and dislikes, her talents and faborite foods and colors etc.
As to the evolution of relationships with the newly found natural family, my cousin who is a dear dear person, and her kids, said I resemble their mom in terms of voice and gestures..it is " creepy good" and my aunt, whom they tell me would have loved to meet me, is gone..After a long visit here, when I would call my cousin would be busy or not there etc so I stopped calling though we do email at least a couple times a week , That honeymoon period is past and things are really more normal in that respect than daily emails and so many calls. Then not long ago, she confided that it is my strong similarities to her mom that makes it hard over the phone. In person not so much. and her daughters who once in a while used to send a note do not now. That part is sad but there is no anger..just how it is.
So I wish you good luck with the development of the relationship with your natural famaily and half siblings. I think the half siblings are worried that you are going to take their father away from them and when they finally learn that is not your goal they may come round. They may also be afraid you may challenge them in court for estate matters which you may legally be entitled to do inasmuch as he abandoned you and you were never placed with a family. But that is for lawyers. I made it clear to my half brother I was not interested in any thing in terms of properties for our natual mother I just wanted to know about her. As to my natural father..don't know who he is or if he even knew about me..\
Keep us posted on how things develop for you..



I'm sorry that you have to live with out knowing who your biological father is. Only someone in our shoes can truly appreciate the need to know where we come from. For instance, I had no clue that I'm part Italian. I always wondered where my dark eyes and exotic good looks came from. Like you I have spent huge amounts of time, effort and money to find my father. In order to get the information I needed I have had to make contact with family that most would consider unsavory - to say the least. I have discovered that the family you don't want - is always happy to find you. Now that I have my father I'm also stuck with family I would never associate with otherwise. I had to do quite a bit of pay off and bribing to get to the information I needed to make my connection. Love can be expensive! Especially when it doesn't turn out in the end.

Thank G-d you had adoptive parents!

I was never adopted but managed to have love and very excellent care for most of the time I was growing up. I was lucky that I grew up in Bavaria, Germany. Lucky because when I grew up there the government believed it to be best for children to have continuity in their care. I was placed in a private boarding school for girls. It was housed in a Convent complex and administered by Nuns. The only difference between me and the other kids was that I did not go home for summers or the holidays. I was lucky that I was not passed around private homes or placed and bounced in and out of foster care. I spent the bulk of my childhood in one place, being cared for by the same people. These people became my family. To this day whenever I go back to visit I'm received like a member of the family. They feed and house me and make a huge fuss! I had a wonderful life long relationship with all the Nuns who raised me. Unfortunately all but one of the Nuns who raised me have passed away now. Fortunately the one Nun that is left is also the one who had complete charge of me. She is and has been the mother I never had. We write, talk and visit whenever possible.

It would be nice to have a close and loving relationship with my birth family. But I have accepted reality. I'm very grateful for the voluntary family that I have accumulated over my life time. My own immediate family, the people who raised me and my life long friends. The family I'm trying to bridge to is just the cherry on the icing.

I might add that it took quite a bit of therapy to get to my level of acceptance of my situation. I know there is much for me to be thankful for. Yet ... I also feel entitled to what is rightfully mine. That being, I have the right to know my birth parents and my family history. I pursue it for my own emotional and psychological well being. Finding my birth parents has helped me in ways that I can't very adequately describe. I hate loose ends and desperately needed some closure. I also feel I owe it to my children. They deserve as complete a family history as possible.
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Old 03-23-2010, 09:44 AM
Scooter169 Scooter169 is offline
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Originally Posted by Zinnamongirl

Thank you for your kind sentiment. There have been some positive developments since my original post. I did just as you suggested and began to contact other family members and relatives. As soon as I did that my father had to face the reality of me - as he had to answer to our other relatives. This caused a flurry of angry phone exchanges between me and my brother. Since my half brother put his mother (my step mother) in the fore front as the obstacle to over come in order for me to have a relationship with my biological father, naturally I targeted her. I figured what he was telling me was just an excuse to keep me at a distance. I had a feeling that this weak minded and feeble woman is probably a lot stronger, smarter and compassionate than she is given credit for. I decided to gamble on her and give her the benefit of a doubt. I felt she needed to know about me. I decided that I would help my father do the right thing by me and by her. What my brother and father were asking of me was too much. After all it was not my fault that my father did not tell his wife of 50 years that he already had a child with another woman. That he has a daughter. As long as I was to be kept a secret - I would get nowhere. So I made it clear to the rest of the family that I would make sure that she would find out. I contacted an attorney and started legal proceedings to assert my birth rights in any way or loop hole that I could find. I made such a constant pain of myself that eventually my father relented and told his wife about me.

Well, as I suspected, my step mother turns out to be a compassionate woman. She did not go insane nor did she kill herself. What she did was take care of business, as any woman with a little capacity for love in her heart would. Then I got the happy phone call. I spoke to my father for the first time in my life! Both my father and step mother called me and we talked for about an hour. It was a very friendly conversation, we caught up on each others lives, exchanged information and the call ended on a very positive note. My father told me he would ask my sister to call me. Both my father and my step mother invited me to call them again. I cried for 3 days after the call.

I waited and hoped with happy anticipation that my sister would call - but she never did. My brother probably thinks I'm a crazy nut job. I e-mailed him with a friendly note and an apology for being such an ^$#&+* about everything. He called me and left me a nice voice mail message. Made sure to stress ... that he is my HALF brother. Lol He promised to call again at a later date and that we would talk longer.

I'm learning that birth family reunions take patience, good legal maneuvering and are an ongoing and gradual process. Even with the positive development I know this will take time. Yet, time is also of the essence. I hope that my father lives the 20 years in good health it will take, for our relationship to evolve. I would love to visit him, and even more so, I would love to bring him and his wife to visit me. But I know that would be too much to expect. To bring him into my life and meet this side of his family is my ultimate goal.

Once he meets me and sees what I'm all about, I can't imagine him being anything but proud of me and the life I have made for myself. He would bust with pride over his now grown grandchildren, and his outrageously cute - great grand children. Inwardly he must be pleased with himself to have all this added offspring. He would be tremendously pleased ... if he actually took the time and effort upon himself to get to know this part of his family.


But ... I'm prepared to give us all some more time ... to get used to the idea of each other. Patience ....
My wife is in a similar situation with her birthfather; she is an adult adoptee who found her birthmother after searching for over ten years. Her birthmother told her who the biological father was, and she located him as well and made contact. He denies he is her father, although he remembers her birthmother (His exact words when told he was her father, "I don't see how that's possible.") We are going to ask him to take a DNA test. What if he refuses? What did you find were your legal options to confirm paternity? Any info you could provide would be helpful.
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Old 03-23-2010, 07:03 PM
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Scooter - I can imagine your wife's frustration and how hurt she must feel and I can sympathise with her. I can understand why she would want a DNA test but I personally would be relunctant to attempt a relationship with someone who is not willing to contemplate paternity.

I don't live in the USA. In our country when parental rights are terminated, paternity is disolved so there is no way you could use the legal system to try and prove who the birthfather was. Was he named on the original birth certificate?

I wish your wife well in her search
Ann
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Last edited by kune : 03-23-2010 at 07:10 PM.
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