[melissa28]

Hello All... I am a reunited adoptee, and I'm very glad I stumbled upon this website. My bmother and I reunited in July of 2003, and until recently we're almost joined at the hip. She is 46, I am 30, and we seemed to have a lot in common. But the more time I spend around her, the more I see things about her that I just can't condone or accept. She has an 11 year old adopted son, and I see her parenting him out of guilt (for not parenting me), selfishness, and fear. And I don't want to get involved but I see this little boy self-destructing and I can't do anything about it. He's been suspended from the 5th grade 3 times this year, has been caught sneaking out of the house, and drinking beer. And she does nothing. It makes me glad that she didn't raise me. She blames his behavior on her divorce from his father and on behavioral problems, but doesn't have him in any therapy or on any medication. This child can do no wrong, and it has gotten to the point where I don't want to be around her or her son. Is this a normal progression in a reunion situation? What should I do, other than simply back off, and let the chips fall where they may? Thanks for any help.

[skinnylou]

Hey Melissa,

I am pleased to hear you have had a good reunion so far!!Don't compare your bmom's parenting to what if's. Unfortunally we can not govern others behavior. What kind of relationship do you have with your sibling? Is he jealous? It is well known people who ignore bad behavior will defend their selves. Maybe you can work into a conversation with out confrontation your concerns.

My bson has some questionable behavior that apparently his aparents either ignored or chose to believe did not exist. My children his half siblings are like Mom you would kill us if we did such and so. I have explained I accept no responsibility for his behavior. I did not parent him and I do not ignore bad behavior.

Maybe a little space will help you to be more comfortable. If your Bmom ask then be kind and honest.


Good Luck!
skinnylou

[melissa28]

Well, it's not so much that I'm comparing her parenting now to what it would have been if she raised me... we don't have a mother-daughter relationship now, but a friend relationship. Her son is adopted as well, so I imagine he must be feeling some sort of jealousy regarding the contact she and I have had. But we've always gotten along well. The problem is that I feel so helpless, because I don't want to stick my nose in where it doesn't belong and interject myself into the fray. Apparently she must know something is up because this is the first weekend since our reunion (8 months) that we haven't spoken or gotten together to do something. I've decided a wait and see approach is best, and to just move away a little and let her do what she will. I know she is my birthmother, but I don't feel like she is family-- at least not how I grew up understanding what family is... I just hate for this to go south so quickly, and be another sad, failed reunion story.

[skinnylou]

dear Melissa,

I understand what you are saying. A word of caution however, I too am adopted and through my afamily which i will from now on refer to as my family, the emotional family, the one where you know things we wish no one else ever knows, the ability to sense feelings by voice tone and the look coming out of anothers eyes. Is that your definition of family?

I however as a bmom can tell you time can not replace that which is missed. I personally however felt no less attachment to my son at 24 years than at 24hrs.

I agree the space may be beneficial but caution is warranted. Don't let the child in her life interact with your emotions. Your relationship cannot be totally apart from him however it is about you and her. We all come as a package deal in this postreunion relationship and a healthy repect is definitly neccessary for those boundaries.

Good Luck Skinnylou

[jen100]

Hi, I have experienced adoption from every side and the one thing that I know for a fact is that a family is made from shared memories, time together and common beliefs. We put up with our Moms even when they drive us nuts for the same reasons that they didn't stop loving us when we turned into obnoxious teens....we are family. We forgive, we forget, but hopfully we don't ever consider cutting those ties. They are part of who we are. We don't have this same connection of a shared past with birth families. When a reunion happens it brings so many expectations on both parts. The beginning seems to almost always be the honeymoon part..... no one can do anything wrong, constant phone calls, e mails, or visits are common. Then...surprise! We realize that none of us is perfect and we begin to question the whole relationship. It is hard to realize that you don't really like someone who is related to you by "blood." Especially when you want to so badly. So if you continue the relationship what do you base it on? I found my birthmom over twenty years ago. Our relationship has gone through many phases but we finally both admitted that we just had nothing in common and no shared beliefs in which to base a real friendship on. Don't get me wrong, I know that she will always love me and consider me her child and I will always be grateful to her for giving me life and for giving me the wonderful family that I ended up with. However, it was more of a strain to pretend to keep up a very close relationship because we both felt like we "should" We still communicate and are friendly with each other but our expectations are more realistic. Just remember that this relationship you are beginning is just like a marriage. You either chose to stay in it, or you don't and if you stay it takes work. Don't give up and give it some time to become what it will be. You might become real friends, or not, but you will never know if you totally give up now. Be patient with her son, you don't know how your reunion is affecting him, nor do you know the inner workings of their relationship. It is somtimes easy to judge somone elses parenting style when we are not in their shoes, especially if it is very different than how we were raised. I wish you lots of luck, I've been down the path you are on and it isn't always easy but I have never regretted finding my bmom and I doubt that you will either. Take care, hope all this advice helps a little!