[Sara_Rose]

I have been reunited with my b-mom for almost a year now. She is married (not to my b-dad) with two children. Her children are only 5 and 7 years old, but they already have been told that I am their big sister.

Things have been going pretty smoothly in the fact that her husband and herself both enjoy having me over to their house, and say that I can come and stay over whenever I want. In the beginning when we first met, I did visit often and I even went away with them on little trips to their cottage and farm. I have heard that usually after the first little while of meeting, the "honeymoon" stage eventually wears off, and both the b-parent and child back away from each other a bit. But in my situation I have found that the opposite has happened. I feel like I want to visit even more. I have talked to my b-mom about this and she said that she would be glad to have me come over to visit as often as I want. We even arranged that I come over and stay at her house every other weekend. And she said that I could join her in any plans that she may have when I come over. She had even mentioned that she wanted to move into a bigger house so that I could have my own room when I come over to stay.

I am so happy that she is still so open to having me come and visit so much, but I was wondering whether doing so is normal? Is it normal to still, at this point (after a year), to not only visit a lot, but to visit even more than I did when our reunion first began? Also, when I return home (I live with my a-parents still)from my b-mom's house I always feel so sad and want to go back.

Should I go ahead with the plan to visit every other weekend, or should I just keep strong and not visit so often even though that makes me feel very sad and depressed?

Plus, my a-parents aren't exactly taking this whole reunion thing too well.

Thanks for any advice.

Sara

[StevieGirl]

Hi Sara. I've found with reunions, everything is "normal" because everyone is different.

You have a love for your birthmother, and there's definitely nothing strange or wrong about that.

And I don't think that holding back is going to make you feel any better. It will bring on more emotions, because you're going to long to see her.

I say go see her as often as you want - as often as she allows. A year really isn't that long.

The more you're with her, the more "full" your heart will get. And soon you'll settle into a routine that's comfortable and will probably feel fulfilled in your relationship.

Just my 2 cents.

Best of luck to you.

[sspete]

Sara.....

There are no right or wrong answers when it comes to reunion. If you and your bmom feel comfortable with the arrangements....then all is a GO!!!! I for one feel very happy for you that the two of you have found each other, and you are enjoying getting to know one another!!!! That is fantastic News!!!

As for your aparent's reassure them that your love for them is still the same. Let them know that NO ONE can take their place, but you do long to know your bmom and have a relationship with her. Hopefully they will understand it is not about them, but something within you that just feels right for You. Don't forget to let them know how thankful you are for them. Make it a point to include them in the reunion as much as possible. It is sometimes hard for aparents to understand why, but with your reassurance that they are still your parents they should become a liitle more at ease.

Staci

[patrisha]

Sara,

A year is still a new relationship in reunions, and I'm sure quenching a lifetime of thirst for knowledge about your biological roots is going to take some time.

I do want to reinforce what Staci said about keeping your parents included as much as possible. This is very important for you, them and your birth mom. No one wants their happiness to be at someone else's expense. You also haven't said whether or not they have met your birthmom and new half-siblings.

By all means visit as often as you and your birth mom both feel comfortable with, but do be careful about burnout. No matter how well everyone is getting along remember your birthmom does still have young children to attend to, and she may need to take a breather for a little time just for herself once in a while, too.

I know it's tough, but patience is a big asset for building long term successful reunions (as is true with any important relationship). If you think you're over doing it, your intuition may be trying to tell you something.

Good luck.

Trish

[Sara_Rose]

Thank you all for your advice.

Patrisha, you asked whether my a-family have met with my b-mom and half siblings. No they haven't, nor do they ever want to. My a-parents and a-sister (who is also an adoptee) are completely against me having any type of relationship with my b-mom, even though I have expressed how important it is for me. It as though they aren't trying to see things from my perspective. They can't seem to understand how having a relationship with the lady who gave me up is so important when they were the ones who took me in when I was "thrown away", as my a-mom put it.

Having a relationship with my b-mom means the whole world to me, and I am not willing to sacrifice it. I am not trying to be selfish, but this is something I have dreamed about for as long as I can remember. Am I being unresonable in wanting to continue having such a close relationship with my b-mom even though my a-family thinks it is a bad idea and disrespectful to them?

Sara

[Jackiejdajda]

Sara_Rose wrote..Am I being unresonable in wanting to continue having such a close relationship with my b-mom even though my a-family thinks it is a bad idea and disrespectful to them?

I think respect is very important in a situation such as this.. Your aparents are probably very worried that they will lose you. They may be reacting all wrong but they are reacting..

Upsetting them may end up upsetting you and upsetting your reuion.


Jackie

[l-thompson]

Sara - I don't feel you are being selfish at all for wanting to have a relationship with your birthmother and family. As far as how much is too much contact - who's to say - only you and your birthmother can decide that. If it feels right for you both, then it is right. Go with your heart and enjoy every minute of this wonderful relationship.

I believe the reason you are questioning this contact is your a/mother and her reaction to your relationship with your birthmother. In my opinion, it is wrong to make you feel guilty or feel you have to justify this. I understand that she may be feeling insecure as you continue to build this relationship furthur with your birthmother but you can not and should not feel responsible for her reaction. It is up to her how she decides to handle this and I don't think it is fair for her to make you question, what obviously is, very important to you.

I would reassure your a/mother, let her know that you will always love her and will always be her daughter and then let her decide whether she continues in this way. There is not a limit on the amount of love and care that we have in our hearts. Your relationship with your birthmother does not take away any of the love you have for your a/mother.

This relationship is important and it is making you happy...please don't let anyone elses insecurities taint it.

[Missy M]

I understand that she may be feeling insecure as you continue to build this relationship furthur with your birthmother but you can not and should not feel responsible for her reaction. It is up to her how she decides to handle this and I don't think it is fair for her to make you question, what obviously is, very important to you.


I want to respond to the above post; Your A-mom is indeed displaying signs of insecurity and with good reason; she loves you and since you openly say you are concerned about the amount of time you are spending with your B-mom you are probably spending less time with her and adding fuel to this fire. She fears loosing you; love evokes those emotions and right or wrong they are there and should be addressed. She knows you are bonding with another Mom and she probably fears being "replaced" and a little bit jealous. I am not saying you should not interact with your B-mom; you should; I am simply saying don't ignore your A-moms emotions in the process.
Perhaps after spending time with your B-mom you could plan something special with your A-mom for just the 2 of you, with the focus being on your relationship with her. It can be something as simple as lunch at Taco Bell, or a manicure, just give her a moment too.
My daughter A-mom related the feelings my daughter and I being together as being like her husband having outings with his first wife. She wondered why if she'd given my daughter all she ever wanted and needed why she needed me . I invited her to lunch, and we sat down and talked, really talked about what she felt and how my daughter...OUR daughter... and I could help her work through those feelings. We didn't become instant friends but we were no longer bitter rivals in her mind either. We had lunch on May1st and on Mothers Day 2 weeks later I sent her a card. In the best interest of my daughter I needed to know that someone she loved so much wasn't left unhappy by my presence. I wrote that she was a wonderful mother as evidensed by the fact that she raised a beautiful daughter; I did not thank her for raising MY child as others have done because she didn't. The child she raised so wonderfully was in every way...her own.
I am sorry she isn't willing to meet your B-mom; that would probably help a great deal. In short, keep in mind that she is worried about losing you and while her behavior is wrong her feelings aren't. Best Wishes...MissyM