[potterwhidden]

Hi everyone,
After reading the post about heredity over enviornment I thougt I'd bring up something I am dealing with. I was raised in family that is not open and affectionate. My aparents love me but they constantly bring up things I should be doing. I had my daughter young...16...and moved out of the house then and got married. I have fully supported myself and am proud of the things I have accomplished. I was diagnosed with cancer and still while being sick my amother always has something critical to say to me. Weather it's about the treatment I am choosing or other things. I know all parents probably have critical things to say but it goes beyond normal and is not balanced by anything good.

I have never felt like they support or approve the things I do. The first time they said they loved me was when I was 17 and I said it first to them over the phone. I feel like they wish they had adopted someone else or that if they had anatural child they think that child would be better. I could never share things with my amother and our relationships in my family always feel very strained.

Now that I am in contact wih my bfamily they are so open and loving. They know about all the choices I have made and are supportive. I feel more loved and included by them than my afamily. Part of their enthusiasm i'm sure is due to the fact that my baunt was going to adopt me and changed her mind. I just feel like they treat me better and inlcude me more than my own family does. I am angry at my aparents..not that I want to be...but they never made me feel as loved as my bfamily has made me feel my entire life. It makes me angry that I never had a loving relationship with my aparents and that they are so unwilling to talk about things. Also that my entire bfamily wants to include me and I have no relationship with anyone else in my afamily. I am a very loving person and have always wanted to have a loving family. Just wondering if anyone else out there has had this feeling or if you think that it's wrong of me to feel thisway.
Thanks..Em

[Sledge]

I am not an adoptee but an aparent. When I got married my wife's family and my family are like night and day. My wifes family are all super open and talk about everything, my family is more closed and don't talk a lot about feelings. My wifes family forgives and forgets no matter how many times they may get treated badly. In my family if somebody treats a family member badly a grudge is held for a long, long time.

Unfortunately I do not know your aparents but maybe they just don't know how to open up to somebody, (how old were you when they adopted). I am not going to try and defend your aparents because in my opionion they should've been more open with you about their feelings, kids need to hear compliments from their parents not just negative (I learned that just from my own wishes as a child growing up, meeting my wife and inlaws also helped). I am very glad you met and have a relationship with your bfamily, I hope someday my ason will be able to have some sort of relationship with his bparents.

[VANICE]

I think that you have a happy ending and you sound as if it is an unhappy ending to your story. You have found your Biological Family and they make you feel more love than in your Adoptive Family. I think that you are so fortunate to have found your Bio Family so they can help make up for the love that you have not felt all of these years. Take in that love like a sponge. You deserve it! It belongs to you! Claim it as yours. As for the love that you do not feel in your Adoptive Family, you cannot change them. They probably have a great deal of love for you, but for some reason cannot express this to you. Migrate to the Family members that have this ability to show love. Everyone needs love, even the people that can't express it. Good luck to you and 'smile' because you are loved.

You know, I think anybody who is hypercritical will be that way to any kind of child they have. The problem is within them....not the child. I have seen many kinds of parents ruin there kids because of that very reason. unfortunatly as an adoptee we have another reason to blame it on.