[Katiebaby]

Hey! It's just me, Katie. I have some additional lovely questions for ya.

1. When is it appropriate to ask your birthmother your birthfather's name?

2. If you could choose in person or by phone, which way would you want to be asked the above question, or asked any additional information pertaining to the birthfather? (She dated him for 2 yrs.)

3. How would it make you feel for your child to ask you about his/her birthfather?

Thanks so much!

[Missy M]

Hi Katie...you are a bundle of nerves huh Honey? You just relax and breathe... just remember these three initials please....U B U!!! and you will be just fine.

OK you know I can only speak from my own experience so take it for what its worth. I dreaded the moment when Tovia would ask but only b/c he was abusive. She asked in person and that was fine, BUT she asked in front of my d/h...not fine. I asked her to go to Starbucks with me for a Latte and we discussed him in detail then. After she visited him in prison and formed her own opinions I no longer had any qualms about discussing him.
Today its a funny topic with us! IMO its OK to ask for his name BUT do it in a face to face and judge her reaction before proceeding. Its your right to know his name, BUT she very well may have an issue with discussing him and their relationship in detail.
In a way I actually felt pangs of jealously that she wanted to *know* him; but those were my own insecurities and desire to protect her in action. For so long I forced him out of my mind and I never connected him to her! (Reality Check). I had to look past him and recall the relationship that I shared with my own Dad in order to try and see why she needed to know. Go for it! Good luck and Much Love....MissyM

oops...almost forgot>>>wait until day 2 if possible; make day 1 all about the two of you. MM

[FatBirdy]

I am an adoptee as you know.....I asked my bmom about bdad right away....but it was in a letter since that was the only way we communicated for our first year. Anyway bmom wrote me back and gave me his first name only and told me some stories about him (they were long time boyfriend and girlfriend)...she said she would try and contact him since she had not spoken to him in 20 odd years. She wanted to take control of this becasue she said she didn't know if he would welcome news of me or not. It took her a year from that point to get the courage to find him, she did, he and I chatted over email. Anyway, my point is - bmom later said that when I asked her I was so sweet and sincear she said there was no way that she could not tell me. Haha, she says since I asked her stuff so 'sweetly' and innocently she sang like a bird...later she said I have a telent and should work for the CIA because I pulled info out of her that she never imagined that she would ever tell me. LOL I had no idea I possesed such a talent!

[sspete]

Katie.....The second or third letter my bdaughter wrote to me she asked me about her bfather!!!! I was fine with it, and really expected her to!!! He is a precious person so I had No fear there. I told her everything about him that might mean something to her. She has not asked me anything since so I don't know if she will ever want to meet him. She is having a hard enough time with me Now. I do however not know what he would do if she did ask to meet him. This has always concerned me a little. I think he would be willing, but you just NEVER know!!!! I agree with Missy.....Maybe after y'all have had some time to get to know one another ask away!!! I love the U B U....TO Cute!!!! Hopefully she will be willing to tell you everything you want to know about him!!! I wish you the best of luck Katie.....You are a great Girl!!!!!

Staci

[Katiebaby]

Awww! I swear yall are like family to me. Brilliant advice btw. What would we ever do w/o this forum? I'd freak out! Missy, UBU is TOO cute! LOL!

I'm really more worried about getting all my stuff (clothes, shoes, etc.) together to meet bmom vs. actually meeting her. My nerves are more task related. Maybe I'm in denial? lol!

I do agree that the 1st day (maybe even two) should be all about us. I will be there probably from the 20th - 26th. Two of those days are gonna be spent traveling though.

My bmom seems to be very open & honest & she says she has got a lot to tell me. SO...I can't wait. Good or bad, I wanna know.

GOSH! I just hope I can talk to her on the freaking phone today! Her counselor hasn't sent in this one lil fax to the adoption agency, that completes our process yet & I just want to hear her voice already! *sigh* I called the agency yesterday & apparently her counselor was supposed to do it yesterday. Cross you fingers for me please!

I hope you all have a great day! Thanks for everything!

[LegallyKim]

There isn't really an issue about my son's birthfather as we are planning on meeting our son together. No, his birthfather and I are not still together, we are just really good friends, which is something I am looking forward to presenting to our son. The thing I am worried about, is....... our son wants to meet us this Summer and we are planning that. However, it seems as if he doesn't want any contact until then. His Amom has pictures of my family and I which he has not wanted to look at yet and I had left her a voice mail on her cell phone which he did not want to hear. Amom says he wants to take everything in all at once. I want to tell our story over the next few months to him and let it all soak in so that when we have our reunion, it can just be about him, his father and I reuniting and have all the "ugly sad stuff" already dealt with. That is ALOT of info and emotions to take in "all at once", for both my son as well as myself. But what can I do if he wants it this way? Scared......anxious.........nervous..........

[patrisha]

Hi Katie,

My son danced aroung the subject of his birth father for quite a while before he got up the nerve to ask me. I think he thought it would hurt my feelings. Everyone if different, but I had no problem talking to my son about his birth dad. We had not spoken since I was pregnant (over 30 years ago) so I really had no idea whether or not he was still alive or how to contact him. Together (thanks to the internet) my son and I located him within a couple of weeks of our reunion.

It's takes far more energy than I wanted to waste to stay bitter about his birth father abandoning me pregnant over 30 years ago. I figure if he hadn't split, I might not be celebrating my 30 anniversary with the great guy I married instead.

Have a great trip.

Trish

[Dixierae]

Iam a bmom and I think my daughter and I moved way to fast, but to answer you I think anytime is a good time to ask about your bdad, or anything about your birth at all. You have the need to know the whole truth and you have a right too, know what you mean about the ladies on here they are like family but nicer, lol. I just wanted to say good luck in getting to know your family, keep us posted ok? Take Care

[Katiebaby]

Wow! She talked about him our first conversation. I didn't even have to ask. Bmom told me his name the very next day. (Which was yesterday.) *SHOCKED*

Thanks for all your advice everyone!

[FatBirdy]

Wow, that's great. I guess you solved that problem! Does she know where he is? Do you want to meet him?

Hey.....congrats for talking to your bmom! I rememeber the other day that you were still waiting for her contact info! We'll all be waiting for your report when you get back from your trip! When do you go?

[Katiebaby]

Hey sweetness! She told me his last known city & state. I'd love to meet him, but I think I may take my time. I'm slightly overwhelmed right now.

We leave on the 20th. Eeek!

Have a great day!!!

[FatBirdy]

I would take your time with him...haha, think how crazy you are with one reunion....can you imagine doubling up on this feeling??? I had very infrequent letters with my bmom for a year before we started talking all of the time...it was like one day the floodgates opened and we talked everyday. Soon after that bmom found bdad and I started talking to him......I couldn't handle the both of them at one time. Ohh, they were both sending me super long emails......man, I just didn't have the time let alone the emotions. Just my advice, enjoy getting to know bmom right now and when that settles down work on finding bdad!

PS: I will be visiting my bmom (2nd visit) over the same time as you....EEEEEEKKK is right!

[mikesmom]

Katie--good luck. It sounds like you are well prepared and have received some really great feedback. There are some really awesome ladies on this forum! I don't post often but usually visit a few times a week. How I wish I had found it before my bson contacted me. During his first call, he asked for his bfather's name, ended up calling him the same night, and met him the next week. I don't regret telling him his name, but just wish I had waited as two reunions at once was overwhelming.

[tjqarnold]

My daughter asked me within the first week of our reunion over the phone and it didn't upset me at all. I think there is a natural curiosity that comes with the territory and as a **, we have to be prepared for these type of questions to be asked.

[Katiebaby]

Thanks for the responses! I love reading everybody's stories & advice.

Good luck Fatbirdy with your 2nd visit!