[Jeager]

My husband is adopted and was able to meet his birth mother in 1998. The birth mother has told my husband over and over again that she would tell her husband and children (all adults) about my husband. Unfortunately, this has not occured and my husband is very dissappointed as he was very excited at the possibility of meeting his sibilings. Do you think he should just make contact with his siblings and let the cat out of the bag or move on with his life?

His birth mother calls at least once a month and dangles the carrot each time they talk. She always says, well I'm going to tell the family and she never does. As you can imagine, my husband's hopes of meeting his siblings are shattered on a regular basis.

We are very interested in your feedback. Thank you so very much for taking the time to read this. We look forward to your response.

[Katiebaby]

Hi! Sorry about your hubby's feelings hun! I've read this same question a few times this week from different adoptees. I have no idea the right answer, but I know that if it were me...I'd be a lil sick of the instant gratification scenario. It especially gets old when it's so repetitive in occurrence over a long period of time.

Has he talked to her? Like has he told her that she keeps saying she is going to tell them, but she never does? I wonder why she does this? I can't imagine any other reason than to provide him with instant gratification in her own mind. Which really I bet it doesn't feel very gratifying to hear her say this anymore b/c he knows that the odds of her actually telling them about him seem to not be real high...being that she hasn't as of yet. Although maybe she is just taking a very long time to do so. Maybe she actually does have every intention to do so. Who knows. 1998 was a long time ago, so this confuses me.

How old are his siblings? How old is you hubby? This is not a fun situation at all. I know how I am...I'd end up telling them myself after asking my bmom what the deal was. Maybe.

Sorry for the lack of advice. I'm pretty confident you both will get some really great advice soon though. Hang in there & I think it's admirable that you are trying to gain insight for your husband's situation.

[FatBirdy]

1998...that has been a long, long time. I think we can all assume that since she hasn't told in the past 6 years she won't be doing it any time soon. I was and still am in a similar situation. My bmom refused to tell anyone about me...but still wanted constant contact with me. I was finally able to get her to tell my sibs about me this past Christmas! They are great and we email a couple of times a week. I told bmom that once all my sibs were adults that this was no longer her decison to make and that if she wanted me to remain in her life she better tell them...becasue keeping me a secret was making me feel terrible among other things. Bmom and I fought about this issue for at least 7 or 8 months and in total we were in a runion for close to 2 years when she finally told. Perhaps your husband could tell her that this is simply too painful, for her to keep calling and telling him that she is going to tell - and then not. He should tell her that he can't stand the constant let down and if she is not going to 'air' this, frankly, WONDERFUL news then he is going to have to think about serioulsy scaling back contact. Do you guys and bmom live close to each other? Have you met?

SO now that my bmom has told the kids - she has told them to keep this a secret and is refusing to tell another sole in her family...uhhhhh. So I have emailed with bsibs but since bmom refuses to tell anyone else in the extended family I am never invited to family holidays such as Christmas and Easter...I am still her shameful secret. And i am mad that I am not invited to spend any time with my bsibs on hoidays....so when exactly are we going to develop a relationship??? I have told bmom that I am sick of her secrets that make me feel degrated and second best. Anyway, we at another brick wall and I think that I am going to have to tell bmom that unless she opens up her arms to me I am going to have to walk away. This relationship is making me sad all of the time and I can't risk any more self worth on her. If what she says is true - that he family knowing about me will bring huge issues and problems - then I don't want to be involved with her or them. Perhaps it's time for a bold move like this with your bmom??

So, just as I am trying to do with my bmom - I would demand the respect that you deserve. My goodness, you have done more than your fair share by waiting 6 years...that's crazy. Time for bmom to step up to the plate. She needs some serious pressure....and if she still doesn;t tell.....then he should just go ahead and contact...but be aware this may forever sever ties with bmom. Good luck!!!

[sonata]

To Jaeger....NO, I don't think your husband should make contact with his birthsiblings on his own.

(Before I go any further I will add that I am an adoptee in reunion so you will know that I do understand the situation....)

Like it or not, your husband really has no right to do that. His birthmother made a very difficult decision 30-some-odd years ago when she relinquished him for adoption. She has had to live her life with that decision. But the decision was hers and she has stuck by it. The adoption is done, legal, and binding. And if her decision is to continue to keep her illegitimate (?) child a secret, then I think he has to respect that.

Having said that, I will be the FIRST to say that as adoptees we should have the right to know the circumstances of our birth, our heritage, our medical history, and "where" we came from. But no, we DON'T have the right to force ourselves into anyone's lives.

I don't know how your husband made the initial contact with his birthmother - assuming he is the one who did the searching. But I think one caveat before making any such contact would be to pledge to respect the wishes of the "found" person regarding the involvement of their family members. The birthmother has the right to preserve her family structure as she sees fit. By the same token, it wouldn't be right for a birthmother to insist on meeting the adoptive family after a reunion either. The reunion is between TWO PEOPLE. The mother and the child. Period. Anything further relationships with extended family are not a right and should not be expected or demanded.

I hope I don't sound harsh here, but this is the reality. The birthmother is totally within her rights as a person to refrain from telling her family about this. Of course your husband is also within his rights to abandon the relationship with his birthmother if she doesn't "tell" but frankly that would be spiteful and childish. I hope he doesn't do that.

Best wishes, Sonata

[SWGAgirl]

Hi Jeager,

Reunion can be a very slow and very complex process. It is a guessing game at best, and each party in the reunion needs to try to be sensitive to what the other party desires. I think this especially true on the side of the searcher. (I am guessing that your husband located his b-mom- but I could be wrong.)

I am speaking to this issue as a reunioned adoptee- after locating my b-mom in April 2003 (by intermediary) and having contact by phone and letter since October 2003 ( after a search angel had identified and located her for me). We are building a great relationship very slowly- talking by phone 2 times a week on the average. (Sending pictures, etc. by letter as well) She has not told my 3 half sisters and 1 half brother. The only person in her family that knows of me is her husband (not my father).

When an adoptee and b-parent find each other- they are STRANGERS. We could not begin to understand all of the events, family issues and dynamics etc. in the other person's life that make the person feel/act the way they do. And we should accept that our b-parents or our b-kids had/have a life WITHOUT us. I can imagine it would be EXTREMELY unsettling to be "found" when none of your family knew about the searcher.

I don't know the era of your husband's adoption- but when I was born (1960's)- after a child was relinquished- she/he was often not spoken of EVER again because of the stigma that was placed on un-wed mothers. So the mothers have many feelings/fears that were buried out of necessity due to the "times." In many cases these feelings have never been addressed/dealt with until the person was found.

I have to agree with Sonata that your husband should respect his b-mom's wishes. Although it is very early in my own reunion, I do not know if my b-mom will EVER be able to tell her other kids.
Since I don't know all of the reasons/circumstances in her life, I could never demand that she tell them. (Although I would love it if she did because I would love to know them also). I feel it is her job to tell them or not to tell them and not mine.

Think about something that you did, a mistake you made, or an event that was REALLY embarrassing/traumatic in you/your husband's life. Then think of some outside party coming in and broadcasting to your whole family that this had occurred. I don't know about you guys- but I would feel totally out of control, crushed, and I would really RESENT the person that had taken my right to tell my personal information when and if I wanted. The information that the person told about me may not have been any big deal in THEIR eyes........ but it was HUGE to ME.

So my suggestion is to assess how your husband feels about his birth-mom. Is he willing to risk losing his relationship with her? If he tells, he would definitely risk throwing the relationship with his b-mom away. And there is no guarantee that the siblings will accept him either. So then you have lost both.
I would really think about the consequences of this before you do anything. (JMHO)

I know it is a hard situation with no definite guidelines or protocol. Good luck to your husband in whatever he decides to do.

[FatBirdy]

This is a tough question that has been debated on this forum many times. Some say yes, some say no, many say that the situation should be evaluated on an individual basis......in this situation - First, your husband should stand up for himself and let bmom know how much it hurts him when she constantly lets him down. Perhaps he could tell bmom that he feels like he is being strung along. Looks like bmom likes to know him and about him but is having trouble letting out her secret - which we can all totally understand; however, he's given her 6 years....that's insane. I also think your husband should put on the pressure and let her know that he is serious...that some changes need to be made for this relationship to continue. He's not happy right now she he needs to discuss this with bmom...perhaps they can come to a compromise that makes everyone, at least, happier than they are now!!

[sonata]

Let me just say that I have BEEN in the position of making the contact with my birthparents. (They haven't spoken to each other in almost 40 years - since before I was born!) I made separate contact with each of them via letter. In each case, I made it clear from the get-go that all I asked was to meet them ONE TIME, and get my relevant medical history and family background. I went on to assure each of them that at NO TIME would I ever attempt to contact any other family member without their consent. I also went on to assure them that I would be willing to accept as much or as little of a relationship as they would desire after an initial meeting.

What's more I had every intention - and still do - of standing by my promises. While I felt that I had the right to make the initial contact and request information - my "birthright" so to speak - I never presumed that I had the right to interfere with their lives in any way. They made their decisions 40 years ago and I respected that.

So please understand that I am not just sitting in judgement on others without having been in the exact same position myself. I KNOW I did the right thing. Not having met my birthfamily until I was 39 years old, I had plenty of time in my life to know myself and know why I was searching. I was never looking for a "family". I was seeking information about ME, for my own peace of mind. The relationships that I have enjoyed since my reunion are icing on the cake for which I am very grateful. But I totally followed their lead and let them accept me or not as they chose. I think each adoptee in search has to understand that there are no guarantees of any relationships and be able to make peace with whatever information they are able to find in their search for their roots. Sonata

[beth1965]

I am also an adoptee in reunion with both bparents. I agree that your husband should not make contact with his siblings without his bmother's blessing. However, I would encourage him to have a very long conversation with her about what it means to him - both being hidden, and not having these relationships. I also would recommend that he read & send her a copy of the article "Shame" from this week's Adoption E-magazine. It is about a bmother in reunion who took that courageous step and what it meant to her afterward. I might also recommend that he give the book "Birth Bond" to her. It says, among other things, that while the birth parents worry about what their grown children will think, do and feel, they are often quite surprised. Most often, the only concern that they have is why they weren't told sooner - something that only gets worse with time.

[beth1965]

I am also an adoptee in reunion with both bparents. I agree that your husband should not make contact with his siblings without his bmother's blessing. However, I would encourage him to have a very long conversation with her about what it means to him - both being hidden, and not having these relationships. I also would recommend that he read & send her a copy of the article "Shame" from this week's Adoption E-magazine. It is about a bmother in reunion who took that courageous step and what it meant to her afterward. I might also recommend that he give the book "Birth Bond" to her. It says, among other things, that while the birth parents worry about what their grown children will think, do and feel, they are often quite surprised. Most often, the only concern that they have is why they weren't told sooner - something that only gets worse with time.