[Zeebugman]

Greetings Folks,

Oh, how I wish I had found these forums a year ago! Had I, I’d be feeling much less reluctance (or, more confident in my abilities) in continuing attempts at contact. It looks like I’ve made my job double tough. At least, I feel that way right now, after having scoured these pages over the last weeks. Imagination sucks.

Since ’95 when I first got online (WebTV only lasted a week!), I’ve been hard at it and then last March I hit pay dirt in identifying and locating my 67-year-old maternal half-sister. I hadn’t really expected finding a sibling before my birthmother so I had to revamp my plans. Her phone is unlisted so I found a neighbor’s number (I live in Rochester, NY – she in Abilene, TX) and called asking to deliver a message concerning my genealogy search and included her mother & father’s names and my phone number. The favor was agreed to…the first negative – no reply from anyone.

After a week I made several calls to the neighbor’s answering machine – they had agreed to let me know when the message was delivered – with no reply. I drafted a letter and a couple of weeks later sent it certified. I had maybe 15 people give me their opinion of the letter, made some changes, and then it went out. Her son (who has/had a separate, different town, mailing address) signed for it. So I don’t know if the letter was read, and if so by whom.

In the letter I outlined how the possibility existed that she and I might share the same mother, included a page from my non-id that had bio information of my/our maternal side, and in closing assured her that if she had no wish to share information I would respect her wishes provided that she informed me as such. No response. As I mentioned before, the only thing I know for sure is that the letter was received. That was May of last year.

I have to say, especially after having read through these archives, that to do it again I would probably have gone a bit slower and subtler, and communicated with much more compassion for where her head might be. It bugs me now that not one of all the people I had read the letter prior to sending it made a statement of her point of view and feelings. It bugs me, too, that I wasn’t more attentive!

A month or so after sending, I got REAL depressed when going over the letter. In the page of the non-id I included, is this, concerning her: “…15 years old; raised by great aunt and uncle who raised mother; suffered from malnutrition before relatives took her; apparently neglected by mother…” Is it any wonder why I haven’t heard back??? How many times have I read my non-id over the years….

In August, I made probably three calls to her home (during the three months after sending the letter, I was able to get A LOT of information on her…), always mentioning, to the factory-answering-machine-voice, to let me know if I had the wrong number or to tell me to just go away, and have had no reply. In September, I was in San Antonio for my niece’s wedding and had it not been for the 24-7 amount of work that had to be done for the reception at the house, I would have made the 225-mile trip to Abilene. I had full intentions to do so until I found out that I had to do the wedding-planner thing (move over Franck Eggelhoffer!). Maybe that was a good thing…

So I’ve been silent since August but I’m starting to get that old feeling of urgency back…birthmother was born in ’17 so if she’s still around that puts her at 87 and I still haven’t been able to locate anyone other than Mary Ann – have a paternal ½ brother and nothing to go on to find him or bdad without Mary Ann’s help. One thing I DO have is the possibility of a post-adoption caseworker’s help at the agency I was adopted from…I hear she goes the extra mile to assist in making contact. I’ve also been on the verge of penning certified notes to both Mary Ann AND her son…but I’m stuck now on how best to do that.

If anyone has any ideas on my options, I’d appreciate the input…and it’s okay to slap me first…

Thanx a bunch,
Peace,
Jim

[shirleyville]

Jim,
In my opinion, no response doesn't constitute a request for no contact -- especially since you asked this person to let you know if no further contact was desired. The burden of respecting the wishes of all involved falls on the one doing the searching -- if you contact someone and request information, or request contact, and they don't want to comply, then it is up to us to respect that -- but that doesn't mean that the person who receives the request has the right to disrespect US by just flat ignoring us altogether. IF, for some reason, this person isn't your sister and has received all of this in error, she should at least have the courtesy to contact you and let you know that you have the wrong person......if she IS your sister, and she can't cope with this, emotionally, she should at least let you know that, as well.
Is there a chance that she could be ill? Perhaps she isn't well and that is why her son was there, and signed for the letter. Perhaps she hasn't even been told, if she is in failing health for fear this is something she can't absorb it all right now. Even worse, but also a possibility, is that she might have passed away.
If I were you, I would try to make contact again.....just explain that you meant no harm or disrespect in attempting contact, but rather, you are only trying to reach out to a part of your past, in the hopes that you can move on with your future.
Best of luck! Keep us posted!
Sally

[snuffie]

I agree with Sally. Another contact may be in order.
It would be great if we knew in foresight what we know in hindsight. This forum has helped me a lot, but I also did not know about it (didn't have a computer) until after my search.

I would not "tear" myself up thinking it was something you did or said when you made contact. There are so many things that could be going on in the other person's life. But you will never know if you don't try again.

My niece enclosed a note with a self-addressed envelope when she was making contact. In part, it gave the other person options without having to extend any effort. Some of the options were: 1. You are not the person I am looking for. 2. You are the person I'm looking for but I don't want to make contact at this time. and then she gave more options. She did get replies and ended up finding her birth aunt who let her know that her bfather was still alive. She had been told that he had passed away!

Best wishes to you,

Snuffie

[Zeebugman]

Thanks Guys,

Sally, that’s what po’d me the most, is no reply at all. I wrote that I’d respect her wishes if in turn she’d afford me the same respect by letting me know her feelings on sharing information.

And the illness/extended vacation/death/son-filtering scenarios were taken into account. Having her dob and ssn, I was able to pull everything on her and as of August she was current and with new stuff also. So she’s active. Still, her son could have filtered. But I would hope (idealistically) that his honorable USAF discharge would preclude him from opening another’s mail…but who knows…he could have been the one that got the message from the neighbor originally and is choosing to be her shield. Hence, my ponderings about addressing each of them simultaneously but separately. But how to address HIM? If I go that route, I feel I need to be able to convince him that it’s safe to let her read my letter to her…perhaps include a copy of it for him?

Originally I supposed that contacting Mary Ann wouldn’t be all that big a deal (for her)…after all, in my mind, she doesn’t share any responsibility for the situation. I see that aspect differently now… We do share the same mother but that doesn’t make us family. (And to substantiate that statement, the agency has confirmed the name that I have as my bmom is factual and my birth-index research confirms that Mary Ann is her daughter, (different fathers) 15 years prior to me. I’ve scrolled through the microfilms of the Tx birth index of our birth years.)

I like the idea of including a SASE, Snuffie, and actually considered doing that with my original letter, but I really felt that (for some reason in my unorthodox mind) that doing that might make it TOO easy for her to say “stay away”…kinda like filling in the blanks to a poll. If she’s gonna write how hard is it to address an envelope and stamp it? I guess I have my answer to that in getting no reply!!! I would like to think that in my next attempt that my powers of persuasion would let her get her own stamp!!! (Geez, do I reek, or what??) I have every time included “a way out” but at the same time have included enough information that if that way out was taken, subconsciously, it would be impossible to not admit the truth to her/themselves. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind that I have the right person.

The only doubt I have now is my ability to persuade that person, from a thousand miles away – through the written word – (and gawd how easy it is to read the word how one reads it rather than how it was written!) to agree with my point of view !!

I’ve been spending some time composing a letter…ONE letter that would be able to be sent to Mary Ann, her son, AND the agency post-adoption caseworker but I don’t know if I’ll be able to succeed at that task. I may end up writing to Mary Ann then including a copy and a separate cover letter to the other two…..or should I include the caseworker later as a last resort?

My feeling now is that after how much contact I have tried to initiate thus far, (messenger, letter, calls) with no reply, is that my next might well be my last chance to make a success of it.

My dilemma, I think, is two-fold: gain enough confidence for sharing and then manage for the first contact with bmom to be by me. But I may have to settle for a letter from me being delivered by my sis. Not meaning to be disrespectful of Mary Ann but I think her non-replying thus far is an indication of the caliber of “stay-out-of-it-ness” I can expect from her. Meaning, letting my letter speak for itself without her added input. But I suppose I’m stuck there. Ideally, it would be nice to have her get the okay from her Mom for me to write directly to her.
Envisioning myself in Mary Ann’s position, I would have to know the max of anyone trying to contact MY Mother. C’est la vie.

Is my impression of this whole thing demented, or is it just me?
Can it be done? I don’t wanna break the bank, I just want permission to get in!!! (I wish I had the life-experience of my sister so I could know how to – excuse me – manipulate – her.)

Hugs,
Jim

[Dotneck]

Hi Jim...

I'm in a similar situation. Found my bmom...she's 71 now. Wrote her a letter with a stamped self-addressed return evelope. No reply. Sent a card...no reply. Eventually called on the phone. Confirmed it was her and told her my name. She hung up .

When there is no reply youimagine all sorts of things...most of them are probably nowhere near what is really going on. I eventually called her sister whe had no idea I existed. We talked for a long time and she filled me in on some family history that helps her "no reply" to make more sense in my head. I'm going to wait a while and try again.

Thats all you can do...is be gentle and try again....until they kick you in the teeth!

Good luck

[mjgross1]

Jim,

Have you been able to locate any other relatives who you may be able to make contact with? I agree that there is some reason for her son to pick up the certified letter..he must be doing a lot of her errands, and the "activity" you say she continues to have may be on her behalf by her son. If his name is on her accounts, it can appear as though she is conducting all business, while in fact her son is doing it.

I take it you have her maiden name and have checked census records for household members and marriage license for spouse name(s) in order to locate other possible contacts? Have you been able to determine any church affiliation through your resources? What about contacting a different neighbor?

I have acted as intermediary for others, by authoring letters and by making telephone calls. I find nothing wrong in the way you have handled your contact or with the letter you sent. This is a sibling you are hoping to connect with, not a birth parent. If she was 15 at the time of your birth, she most likely was aware of you or had heard rumor that you may exist. And, I doubt that what was written in the non-id would have been any surprise to her. I have to go along with the theory that her son is screening your contact and either attempting to protect her, or his own interests.

[sararuth]

You could try sending your "new" letter certified, restricted delivery. I did that on my first contact with my (deceased) birthfather's sisters. That way, ONLY the addressee can sign for the mail. If no one is home when the mailman delivers, after some number of attempts, a note will be left for them to go to the post office. They will have to provide picture ID and sign for it themselves - no proxies. If no one signs for it after some unknown period of time, your mail will come back to you as undeliverable.

You say you have gathered a lot of info on her (and her son) - have you been able to identify your mother from that info? Perhaps if you have her name, you could try to contact her?

Best of luck - keep us posted.

[Zeebugman]

G'mornning...

A little bio...

Bmom's name is Juanita (Cathey) Perez Adams, married Oscar Perez in Houston 1/19/34, had Mary Ann in '36, divorced 2/27/39, married William C. Adams 7/17/47, divorced 7/8/50 in Ft. Worth, had me in '51. ("Preferred not to name the father.") Microfilm birth index listed me as inf of Juanita C. Adams. After '51 haven't been able to track anyone down. I have an unnamed paternal 1/2 brother - no records of Willie C. or Oscar having other children have been found. So at this point, Mary Ann appears to be my only possibility for contact. Her husband is deceased and they only had the one son. I've had a couple of volunteers take a look at city directories for Houston for the early 50's with no luck (but I "half-suspect" that the job was not very thorough.
She was married and divorced twice before having me and she could have remarried any number of times since. Voter reg and DMV searches have been blank, but then again, I haven't been able to find anyone that knows where, or if, 20 to 30 year old records like that exist. Her mother died in '18 and her dad in 1930.

Juanita had a brother that was 39 when I was born, he would be a Cathey. She was born in Temple so I'd guess he was too. Another brother died in '41 at 35. So I guess I should start researching them more than I have. I've been able to get photos of her parents' headstones but no other history on the family as yet. Her father remarried and had a son but no idea when or where he remarried.

Snow's coming down pretty steady so it looks like I'm going to be busy in the morning...another three hours...so I'd best get some sleep....

Later, and thanks for chippin' in!!!

Peace,
Jim

[Zeebugman]

Hi All...

Only thing I've been able to do for the past month or so is check-in to keep up to date on the various sagas...Been in Texas & D.C. - my Mom (amom) passed and we just got back from the service at Arlington...

I haven't had the chance to pen another letter to Mary Ann but I got a response to a surname post on Rootsweb. It looks like the lady who replied, Nancy, her mother-in-law's uncle is the same as the brother of my maternal grandfather (great uncle?), Randolph W. Cathey, city Marshall of Pauls Valley, OK., who was murdered in '07 at 28 yrs old. If this all pans out correct, her husband has my maternal-paternal Gfather listed on his family tree. Either his mother is a CATHEY or his gmother is a Cathey. My bmom is a Cathey paternally.

Anyway I contacted the Temple, TX library looking for the obit of my bmom's father, Roger Q. Cathey and they sent me an article about HIS father's (Q. Cathey) murder in 1931. Q. would be the brother of Nancy's mother-in-law's uncle who was killed in '07. I posted on Rootsweb looking for info on Q., his 3 sons (Elmer, Curtis and Roger) and Roger's 2 sons and daughter, Juanita (my bmom)...all this being the combined info from the article and my non-id.

Nancy (who replied to my post) said that she has seen the names on a family tree but hadn't heard any family stories about Q's murder. She has now asked me what Catheys I think I am related to.

Maybe I'm intellectualizing too much but I've been trying to pin an age on Nancy -- how much does the era one grows up in have to do with their outlook on adoption matters; does it make a difference in how best to reveal a possibly unknown family adoption?

The best I can approximate is that Nancy is between 55 and 70. Randolph was killed in '07 @ 28 (b. 1879), Q. was killed in '31 at 54 (b. 1877). Juanita was born in '17 - the youngest of 3 from Roger Q. (one of Q's 3 sons).

It's possible that Juanita is still alive (my amom just died at 85 (b. 1918)) and Mary Ann my maternal half-sis was born in '36...so we have people alive here - which is a good thing - but I am nervous about revealing my status in the family tree now that Nancy has asked, "What are some of the Cathey names you are related to?" Mary Ann never responded to neighbor's messages to call me, a certified letter from me or phone messages from me.

I would like to think that Nancy, being related to the Catheys by marriage, would be far enough removed that she would be open enough to assist but I'm still uneasy about saying I'm the son that Juanita gave up for adoption in '51. I'm not going to deceive anyone yet I've already been ignored by Mary Ann (or kept in the dark by her son who is 35 now - he signed for the certified letter)...so just how far can I "bend semantics" before I would be deemed dishonest when the actual connection does come out?

Should I just go ahead and go for broke or try to keep non-commital for another letter or so with Nancy? I try to talk with my wife about this - she supports me in searching - but has a hard time putting herself in the perspective of my birth-family and imagining the different levels of impact this could have on them. (Assuming, of course, that my adoption was kept secret....though for all I know it could be common knowledge....but Mary Ann's and/or her son's silence leads me to believe otherwise.)

Thanks for tolerating my long-windedness...I could definitely stand some of your thoughts!

Peace,
Jim

And Sally, what's new?????

[mjgross1]

Jim,

I am curious, do you know what your bmother's last name was when you were born? I have an adoptee friend in TX whose bmother is said to have been Juanita Marie Ewing. Also documented is the surname Sumner. She is said to have been married, but divorced. This was a black market adoption in Texarkana in 1959 and we feel the name may have been falsified, and perhaps even her address in Oklahoma City. We keep trying to find pieces to this puzzle..and when I see the name Juanita in combination with the correct decade, I must ask questions.

Thanks so much,
Michelle

[Zeebugman]

Hi Michelle,

Juanita’s maiden name is CATHEY and was ADAMS when she had me in ’51. She married Oscar Perez in ’34, had Mary Ann in ’36, and divorced in’39. Married William C. Adams in ’47 and divorced in ’50 (no children), then had me in ’51. Since then, she has dropped off the face of the Earth…who knows what she did after that…can’t find anything about her under ANY name. Her dob is 10-12-17………

Which is my dilemna….I have a link to her daughter, Mary Ann, who hasn’t responded to me, and now a relative, by marriage, to a distant Cathey connection. Randolph is the only connection that I know of to Oklahoma……whose body was shipped to TX for burial in ’07.

If you want to compare notes further, gimme a shout…..

Peace,
Jim

PS – Don’t I remember you from another board…DePelchin maybe?