[gaylene]

need advise found birth mom she called dont know how but told me i was a incest baby and she hated me and dosent want no contact how to deal with this after 22 years of searching please help me find answers to heal the hurt

[BrandyHagz]

Oh My Goodness Gaylene, I am so sorry she has done this to you. Rest assured she doesn’t hate YOU but hates the event surrounding your conception. The fact that she has said this to you is beyond thoughtless and rude…while I do advocate for truth, I also advocate for compassion. She is wrong to direct her misplaced anger at you, and frankly, you're better off without someone like that in your life.

How are you handling the news? You might consider finding a therapist that specializes in adoption issues, and discuss your feelings with him/her. Rejection is extremely hard to deal with, and I cant imagine dealing with it in addition to the news you’ve gotten.

We’ll all be here to support you in any way we can.

[Shoshana]

What a terribly difficult thing to learn. And how misplaced your birthmother's anger is.

I'm sure it's going to take some time to come to grips with this, and like Brandy, I highly recommend findng a good therapist. Plenty of therapists will work on a sliding scale fee if you don't have insurance. I think the most important thing to look for, even more so than someone with adoption experience, is to find a person with whom you feel comfortable. The relationship itself is so important -

In the meantime, you might want to try a cognitive therapy technique to help you cope. Every time you experience a negative thought, try to substitute a positive one, or at least a neutral one. For example, "I'm was conceived through incest" - then respond "I'm a strong and beautiful person." or "This really is NOT about me - I'm separate from what happened then." or "I have friends who care for me." You get the idea. You don't even have to believe all you're saying, you just have to make it a habit to not let those negative thoughts get out of control. You can even make a list of the negative thoughts, and a list of the neutral or positive thoughts. When you feel overwhelmed, bring out your list and read the neutral/positive ones. It's not easy to change your thoughts, it takes a fair amount of self-awareness and commitment, but it works. Negative thoughts can spiral out of control and bring us to the depths of despair. And you know, one of the most effective ways of changing --emotions-- is to do this thought-substitution technique.

At this point in time, you have to fight to take care of and to protect the good and valuable person that you are. Now is the time for YOU to advocate for YOU.

Again, I'm so sorry you had this experience. If you work at it, you will be able to come to terms with it without having it cause too much trauma and upheaval in your life.

Best wishes in your journey of healing.

[bwinks]

gaylene,
My thought and preyers are with you. I assure you your birth mom does not hate you she is just lashing out at you, why I am not sure. I am really confused how she got your number and why she would call you and tell you such devesting information. I do also believe in honesty but I also believe in doing what is in a childs best interest. Telling you on the phone the first time you spoke to her is not the way to do it. You have not done anything wrong and you have nothing to feel bad about. I hope you have a very special relationship with your adoptive parents and they are there to help you in this very difficult time. I agree that it would be very beneficial for you to get some outside therapy form someone who is knowledgeable in adoption matters like this. I am sure there are support groups that you could go to as well. It saddens me though that any mother could intentionally hurt any child by saying something like that to them, and to make matters worse their own child.

Shoshanna, What you said was absolutely wonderful. I couldn't have said it better.

Remember you are never alone God will always be there with you. Also you have everyone here and we care.

[Rowan]

Hi

I am sorry that you were given this information in that way.

None of what happened is your fault and no matter how traumatic it was for your birthmother she should not have taken it out on you.

I came across this site in my travels through the internet which may be of some help to you and where you will find others with similar stories.

http://www.stigmatized.org


I wish you all the best.

R

[MissScarletLa]

gaylene,

I am Soooo Sorry your going through all of this, your birth mom handled the entire situation wrong. I am sure this has been one huge nightmare for you from start to finish. I have read quite a few of your posts. You have a very loving husband take support in that and you have lived your life for 44 years with out her and you can live another 44 years without her. Don't let all of this news destroy you. Your a good person with a big heart otherwise you wouldn't have spent 22 years searching. I am so sorry it turned out like this for you. But If it was any other person inflicting this kind of pain on your life you would throw them out of your life , just look at her even though she is your B-mom as any other person as any other person and close that door back up. You don't need or deserve that kind of pain. Otherwise it will eat you alive and your far to good of a person for this. I know this is easier said than done but let it go and enjoy what you do have, a loving husband and a loving family in front of you. Take comfront and love in what you do have and just be happy with that. I know it hurts and nothing can hurt worse.

I have a sister that was given up for adoption that I was reunited with that had a substance abuse problem and worse did it in front of my children but behind my back. It hurt to turn my back on her but I had no choice. If it had been any other person I would have done the same thing regardless of sister or not. It still hurts but I look at all the love I have in front of me, my husband and kids and friends and thats enough. Who needs extra hurt in there life from anyone regardless of who they are!

Hugs and God Bless
Terri

[cara j]

gaylene,

I'm sorry this has happened to you. Are you absolutely 100% sure that the person who phoned you IS you birth mother??
Could it be someone else, perhaps trying to sobotage your search? I know you would not want to believe that, but I find it incredible that a birth mother would go out of her way to find you so that she could tell you such a terrible thing. If she feels "hatred" why would she want to be in touch? Something just doesn't sound right there.



Cara

[bkp]

I feel very sad when I think about the way your birthmother treated you. Of course you did not deserve being the target of her horrible behavior. Of course you are innocent...nothing that happened in the past can affect who you are today unless you allow that to happen.

I agree that finding a therapist who is gentle and who can help you move through your feelings about this would be a good direction in which to move.

I don't know if this will help at all, but one thing I realize about people who were victims in their young lives......because of what happened to them, they will never be the person they would have been without the trauma.

What I fail to understand is why some people come out of abusive situations and want to protect others while others come out of it and seem unable to move beyond their own hurt and anger and only want to lash out at everyone.

I will keep you in my thoughts.

[mtlover]

Gaylene,

I am with cara j first, are you certain it was your bmom? Make sure please.

Second. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Whoever that person was bmom or not was absolutely wrong for doing that and if it is your bmom wow... not sure what to say about that because I don't know enough about the situation. I want to lash out against that person to protect you to defend you...

What ever the outcome, you are a beautiful person in this world. We need you here and we want to know what is happening. Please come back and share when you can. Love, prayers and goodness coming your way!!

Kim

[Sidney]

While I agree with all that has been posted on this thread, I must say that it sounds like the bmom, a victim of incest, may have never had counseling for what happened. Perhaps she didn't have a choice about giving birth, since abortion might have not been a viable alternative back then.

Don't be so quick to judge the bmom's outburst of pain and misdirected anger. She may have buried this pain deep down, and perhaps was encouraged to put it all in the past. Then suddenly it's right there again, the WHOLE painful episode in the form of a bchild.

One thing adoptees don't realize is that THIS is an outcome than can occur as a result of their search. At the very least, all adoptees and bmoms NEED some kind of therapy to deal with the trauma of reunions. Not everyone responds happily to being found, whether adoptee or bparent. Lives are sometimes torn apart, and then all are just left hanging.

There SHOULD be some kind of required therapy BEFORE either bparent or adoptee pounces on the person they found through a search -- for the sake of BOTH parties.

[robin1]

I am really sorry your for your loss but let me give you some advise hon, you had an adoptive mother right . Wasnt she wonderful and took good care of you. You were a gift to her and your bio mother is just that a egg donor not you mom. She made a mistake that she cant live with its not any thing you did. So be happy with who you are any move on you found out what you needed to know.

robin1

ps It doesnt change who you are
unless you let it.

[Julie64]

ROBIN1
Your comment about this persons biologicalMother being nothing but an eggdonor is totally offensive.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

((HUGS)) Gaylene-- Hang in there.

You were a gift to her and your bio mother is just that a egg donor not you mom. She made a mistake that she cant live with its not any thing you did.

Wow---I agree this is highly offensive!! She made a mistake that she cant live with??? Or perhaps someone made a mistake against her and she never meant to "Donate" her egg....maybe it is a mistake against her that she has been forced to live with....

I think she was a little rough on Gaylene....but wow......

[FL_GirlByProxy]

Unbelievable.......

First, please, most importantly, Gaylene, I hope that you have found the therapy suggested here, and confirmed the identity of your birthmom. That advice is sound, to say the least. My own recommendation would be to turn to your faith along with us here, for comfort. I have been reading "The Purpose Driven Life" with a few of the women here, and that book directly addresses how we got here. The book stresses that there are no mistakes, that God has chosen 2 people with the correct DNA, and willed, for his purpose, for you to be here in existence on earth. I like the book, you may want to check it out as I think it can really be flexible with regard to your faith.

Secondly, I am appalled by Robin1's comment. A bio mom is never just an egg donor. Who knows what this woman has been going through. Indeed, Gaylene's bio mom's anger is misplaced, and I pray that someday she can resolve it. We cannot assume that she made a mistake, what in the world does that mean? From the bio mom's reaction, I read into Gaylene's post that the bio mom did not make a choice, did not have control, over becoming pregnant. I just do not understand your comment, Robin1, to me it is extremely insensitive, gives no comfort and solves nothing.

Gaylene, I hope you have had a good life, and a loving amom and family. If your bio mom can resolve her anger and shock, I hope that she and you and your family can find some peace. You and your family are in my prayers.

[mtlover]

I am not sure what your experience is Robin1. I have to hope and pray that you are not an adoptive parent. In the unfortunate circumstance that you are, please know that your reference to the birthmother being an eggdonor is your misplaced anger at whatever circumstances that you are not happy in yourself. Also know that if you are an Adoptive mother and that is how you communicate that information to your child... it is extremely abusive even if you do everything else right. I am terrified of perceptions like yours... very tilted. I hope that you have read these postings and rethink your attitude towards birthmothers. I also hope that if this is what you truly believe that you get help to fix your wounds that are so obviously deep.

Addtionally, I want you to clearly understand that not all adoptive parents are wonderful and take good care of their children. Children have died in their so called "wonderful adoptive parents hands". Don't make the mistake thinking that just because someone is an adoptive parent that they are a good parent. There are many wonderful adoptive parents and there are many dysfunctional and abusive ones as well.

Gaylene,

I agree with a love what Iwells38 said about the purpose driven life. You are right where you are supposed to be! We love you and cannot wait to talk to you more.