[Dotneck]

I'm a 49 year old male adoptee. After decades of wondering about my past I finally decided to look for answers. Living in Ohio with my DOB made my original birth certificate available by just petitioning the state's records office.

I know that people spend years searching...but after about fifteen minutes on the internet I had found citiations and photos of my birthmom. By the end of the weekend I reasonably certain that I may have her address and phone number as well as addresses of two her sisters.

My family (wife and two boys) are supportive of my efforts...so I guess its time to screw up the courage to write a letter. She's about 2000 miles away so I don't know if contact is a reasonable expectation.

I'm the kind of guy that finds it difficult to phone my friends so to contact a stranger with so much emotional baggage is going to be really hard. My birthmon is 71 so I can't sit on this too long...but I can't believe this has all developed so quickly...

[BrandyHagz]

Dotneck,

Congratulations on your search! I know it’s hard to take that first step…but like you said, you shouldn’t sit on it for too long.

Have you decided how you’re going to make first contact?

Colleen Buckner (thesearchguru) here on the forums posts the following regarding contact etiquette:

Originally posted by thesearchguru
CONTACT ETIQUETTE

People often ask me what is the best way to make the first contact; a letter, a phone call or a face-to-face meeting. I strongly encourage everyone to send a letter for the first contact and not to make a phone call or knock on a door. The letter from an adoptee should include a family picture if married or a casual snapshot if single. A birth parent should include one taken about the time of the adoptee's birth and a current snapshot. A phone call can be more instantly gratifying and has worked for many people. However, it can also bring any possible reunion to an immediate end if the person you are searching for hasn’t told other members of their family about the relinquishment. They may need processing time to consider your request. What you don’t want to do is create a “deer in the headlights syndrome” and force them to make a quick decision if they were not expecting to hear from you.

The most powerful contact is between the people involved in the relinquishment and adoption. A third party contacting the person you are looking for is not generally the best way to start a relationship. It’s not wise to contact other relatives first in the hopes that they may tell you where your birth parents are living. Relating your adoption connection to an unknowing relative could jeopardize your reunion. It is always advised to use the term “genealogy research” when talking to relatives to protect the privacy of the person you are looking for in your adoption search.

It's important to realize that the most crucial part of the reunion is the first contact and if it isn't done right it can forever alter the outcome of the reunion. Be optimistic and respectful and give yourself time to make the contact in a way that will give your reunion the greatest chance of success.

I think the most important piece of advice I can give to anyone that is searching/making first contact, is to expect anything. There are so many outcomes that are possible with a reunion, and sometimes when things don’t go exactly as you want them to…it can be devastating.

The forums are a great resource for information and advice, feel free to ask for support and guidance when writing your initial letter!

Good luck with your initial contact! Keep us posted on your reunion!

[Dotneck]

Yes...I think a letter would be best. My research indicates she may not have ever married nor had any other children so I don't think I have the "other family" to worry about.

I'm considering sending some pictures. When I first saw her picture I didn't notice any resembelance and thought my research was faulty. It took about a day before I realized my son (the one who is not built like me or colored like me) looks VERY MUCH like her. I am not at all doubing the reseach after that. I would like her to see it too....

[BrandyHagz]

Over the summer, I tried to reestablish contact with my birthmother. In doing so, I sent her a letter telling her what was going on in my life, and such. In the letter, I enclosed a picture of my son, and a picture of myself.

When my birthmother contacted me, the one and only nice thing she said to me was that my son looked exactly like my birthfather.

Since my son was born, several people have commented on how he looks a lot like my adoptive parents natural son, and it always used to frustrate me.

It was nice to know, at least, that my son resembled the man I would never have the pleasure of knowing.

I think it’s awesome that your son resembles her, and I hope that your reunion goes wonderfully!

[Dotneck]

I just read your reunion story...its hard to find appropriate words to say. I don't know how anyone can be so hurtful.

Good luck overcoming your hurdles. Its amazing that you can be so supportive of others....may the lord be with you.

[Alisa_u]

Dot I want to echo the same thing Brandy said. I had my adoption agency help me find my birth mother. They sent her an initial letter, than she called them. I just yesterday sent her a letter that will be delivered via the agency. I took 3 pages to update about myself although its impossible to write 30 yrs worth of info in one letter, I told what I could think of at the time and what was on my heart. I included 4 snapshots 2 baby pics and one of me on my wedding day and then one that was taken about a month ago with my husband.

I put these pictures in an envelope with in the letter so they wouldnt spill out on her lap when opening the letter. And also as added insurance, that if she wasnt ready to "feast her eyes" on me just yet they were there when she was ready. But I know me if I were to get them I would tear them open BEFORE reading the letter.

Anyway I hope that you are able to end your search soon and you will find a way to write that letter. Good luck to you! Remember write whats on your heart. This person maybe a stranger but you share something very special...you have a bond.. its called DNA. (wink)

Alisa

[Blue Irish Eyes]

Dotneck,
Good luck with your effort to contact your bmom. Just be mentally prepared for the worst..then if that doesn't happen wow..it will be more than great.

While most of the stories you read on the various threads have good results, I am one who has a less than happy resolution. To make a long story short. I began searching on my own, got nowhere and went through the agency through which I was placed. They located the bmom but she either sent the letters back or ignored them altogether. So I hired a PI and found her in 3 days. So after I worked up the courage, I called. She did not deny the event. ( by the way, I have learned the basic reactions is hang up, outright denial, pleasant but deny, or happy to have the reunion ..this is regarding calls) anyway..my bmom listened to all the things I had wanted to say..how I thought of her and hoped things went well etc for her...Then I asked if she would like a letter with a picture to which she said " No" I asked the questions regarding medical etc and got almost nothing from her. When I asked if she had any questions about me she said " I don't think so". And I had mentioned I lived in CA. So during the fires out here last month, I sent a short note only to let her know we were safe from the fire threat. The note came back unopened.

I sent to the city where her mother died and now have the names of the sisters..and I may have found some cousins too. I do know that the bmom ( who is 80) did marry and have 3 kids. Who knows what??? I am trying to decide if I should try an aunt...

I am curious as to how you found so much so quickly especially pictures on the internet? Any help you can share with those tips I would appreciate.

Good luck to you. I hope you have a happy reunion...just be ready. I thought I was and the sting was still pretty sharp.

[Dotneck]

Originally posted by Blue Irish Eyes


I am curious as to how you found so much so quickly especially pictures on the internet? Any help you can share with those tips I would appreciate.

Good luck to you. I hope you have a happy reunion...just be ready. I thought I was and the sting was still pretty sharp.

Well I sent a letter and she signed for it two weeks ago. No reply.

I will probably send a Christmas card soon and wonder if I ought to call. I would think with the holidays she might be feelng nostolgic and welcome a phone call....

Regarding how I found her so quickly...I just got lucky. I put her name into an internet search engine. She had recently attended a high school reunion in her home town. Someone had taken photos and posted all the class reunion photos on a web site. The name, date and location all were consistant with info on my original birth certificate.

That part happened so quickly that its making this waiting game very painstaking....

[maureen salamon]

Two weeks is not a very long time, Dotneck. I wouldn't regard it as rejection just yet -- she may still simply be processing her feelings and may get back to you.

My feeling on this is -- if you initiate contact (such as a letter) and don't get an answer, then wait some more. It would be different if it had been six months -- but two weeks is short-term. I would wait for her to make the next move instead of calling her or sending another card.

Like you, I initiated contact with my bmom by sending a letter. And I didn't have to wait very long for an answer -- she FedExed a reply within about 10 days. But I would think that is the exception, not the rule in these situations. I hope you are as lucky as I have been -- we have been in a wonderful reunion for 17 months and she has added many blessings to my life.

Happy Thanksgiving!