[MoiraEyre]

I am a reunited birthmother in a difficult reunion. I have some questions that maybe you guys and ladies can help me with. I want to understand some of your feelings so that I may better communicate with my daughter.

First understand, we are at the "you are crazy, don't talk to me" stage - and a little of limbo.

So here goes:

First, I have many times on these boards read comments about birthmothers financial status, particularly if they are poor. So my question is, is that really important? And, if so, under what circumstances is it important?

Second, I hear a lot about feelings of being abandoned ---even from those that don't really want contact from the birthparent. The question is, what do you feel is abandoning? Would a birthparent moving out of state make you feel as if they were leaving you - even if they let you know and left it up to you to choose to continue contact and went out of their way to make sure you knew?

Next, in my reunion, unfortunately for me, my daughter has perceived me as needy. I am actually a totally independant happy person. But, the question is, is that perception something negative to most adoptees?

I have many more, but I want to take it slow to learn more.

Please help me understand.

Moira

Ok, here goes...keep in mind that everyones different and what we post as adoptees may not be what your daughter is feeling.




"First, I have many times on these boards read comments about birthmothers financial status, particularly if they are poor. So my question is, is that really important? And, if so, under what circumstances is it important?"

No, her finances were never an issue...she had her money problems and I had mine. I never asked for money(how crass is that!!) and she never asked me for money. If I was incredibly "wealthy...I probuly would have given her some and I think, likewise. Thats probuly why neither one of us had lots of money.,LOL..although we were NOT poor!



"The question is, what do you feel is abandoning? Would a birthparent moving out of state make you feel as if they were leaving you - even if they let you know and left it up to you to choose to continue contact and went out of their way to make sure you knew?"

I never felt abandoned, I was brought up to believe that she placed out of love and to respect her. As an adult I saw that she was in a place that she was emotionaly unable to take of me,
She was so confused that her needs came first and she placed me "temporaliy" until she got her head together. That was 6 years later.

"Next, in my reunion, unfortunately for me, my daughter has perceived me as needy. I am actually a totally independant happy person. But, the question is, is that perception something negative to most adoptees?"

I don't believe I percieved her as "needy". At times I did feel that she may have been asking things of me that I could't give. I.E. "daughtership"...I was already a daughter to someone else. I had trouble with the fact that she wanted to forget that I was not a daughter to her for 29 years before we met. I know I was a daughter in her eyes, technicaaly I was her daughter...but not emotionally. She didn't understand that, although she did play lip service to it. But actions speak louder then words. She asked things of me that I could't give. Is that needy?


Donna

[debsdone]

finances......they seem to have a different effect on everyone. As a newly reunited adoptee, I am dealing with this myself. The only way it effects me is that my birthfamily can't afford to visit, go anywhere, or even call. AND...they don't have a computer! As these people are still mostly strangers to me.....it makes it hard to know how to proceed. I sent phone cards so they didn't have to have that burdon if they wanted to call me. Not knowing them...it was a risk. Perhaps they would be insulted. Perhaps they would take advantage and call Europe. Perhaps they would appreciate it and call me. That is the problem with relationships with strangers who are related to you, (imo) you don't know! So i go very easy and try to gage the reaction. What I think CAN be a big problem is stress. And financial difficulties cause stress in a big way. so much so , that sometimes it can even cause unreasonable reactions to everyday situations. At least, that has been my experience.
Abandonment......If my birthfamily announced they were moving far away right now....yea, I think I would feel a bit abandoned. Or rather, I would feel that getting to know one another isn't a priority. Unless the circumstances were unavoidable or something.
Needy.......I think believing that about my b-family would definitely be a negative. I wouldn't feel able to be free and open. I have also been very careful about not putting that on them. If I was told I was coming across like that...I would definitely do some deep soul searching and find the root of it. Debi

[FathersHeart]

I have been reading these forums for a few months now and getting some insight into my bdau feelings. I am not sure how "valid" they are, but as I have learned, a person's perceptions are their reality. We (bmom and I are married now) found our bdau about 6 years ago. Things went pretty well until the holidays 2 years ago. Shortly before Christmas our bdau visited and told us that she didn't believe in Christianity and did not celebrate Christmas (this had never come up in the previous 4 Christmases). She did not want us to involve her in any of our Christmas gatherings, nor give presents to her or her children. There was an ensuing emotional discussion, as Christmas is a strong family time for us, however we relented and did as she asked.

After Christmas, we contacted her to join us at the movies with her brothers, but received a very cold reception. After some prodding it came out that she was upset that we had not been in contact with her since our Christmas discussion. We thought we were complying with her wishes, but she felt that we had turned out back on her. I thought we had gotten past this, but after the spring of that year she began pulling away from us. Phone calls not returned, etc. and earlier this year we found out that she moved out of the area without saying anything to anyone our family. About a month later we received an e-mail from her that viciously attacked us for being selfish and putting her up for adopted. Most of the things she accused us of had no factual basis, but were just her feelings. Since then we have had no contact from her at all.

Since I have been reading these forums, I am guessing that she was wanting some time away from us. We do have differing beliefs in many things, but I never thought they were a block to our relationship. We really don't know what to do at this point, should we contact her? Wait for her to contact us?

I am really interested in what those of you who are adoptees have to say here.

Thanks for letting me listen in.

[debsdone]

Well, it looks like you and me here, for now! I will do my best to assist here....First I would ask you, what, if anything, would you guess is your daughter's deepest hurt? Reasonable or unreasonable, right or wrong. Second...is your family quite religious? You mention Christmas as being a strong family time for you...if you had to guess, how would that seem to a "non" Christian? I have a theory about this, but I will wait to hear your reply in case I am totally on the wrong track, lol. Love, Debi

[maureen salamon]

First, I applaud your efforts to be sensitive to your daughter's feelings. It's clear you're befuddled by her actions. I can't really say what happened re the Christmas celebration, but perhaps she decided to convert religions in the time since she had met you and felt your celebrations were excluding her new religion and therefore, excluding her.

That's just a guess. But as for the anger, I think that is a perfectly normal emotion that tends to take its time showing up in reunions that started out successful and seemed to be on the right path. I had never consciously been angry with my bmom for placing me for adoption before I found her, and only found that to be cropping up now that we have been successfully reunited for the last year and a half. It surprises even me when it does show up, because I have been awed by her desire to incorporate me into her life now and she has done everything in her power to do that. You'd think, what is there to be angry about?

Well, I think anger shows up later because we feel so close to our new family that the time lost and the differences between us because of that lost time are then magnified. We want to feel part of our new family but come to realize we will never completely fit in. That lost time can never be recouped and we are angry at how powerless we were to stop it. Your situation -- where you married her bmom and then had other children together -- is ripe for that emotion, IMO, because your daughter can so clearly see that you all went on without her after the adoption. She has a mother, father, and full-blooded siblings staring her in the face who she can never truly belong to fully and she's mad that this won't change no matter how much time passes. It's apt to make her pull back, and then perhaps not undertand why she's doing it. Even she is confused, in all likelihood.

That's just my assessment, speaking from experience. Hope it helps.

[creed_04679]

Maureen: What you said is so very typical of the relationship I have with my bson. We have been reunited for 10 years, and he has been in and out of my life. Just when I think things are going great, he pulls back again, I am at odds as what to do. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and throw away the towel, why bother? He always says he is not angry or hurt, but his actions speak differently, and there is nothing I can say or do to take away the pain of having been adopted. Right now things are going well for us, its been 11 months this time, but I never know when he is going to disconnect from us again with no reason or warning. Is this common? Thanks-creed

[FathersHeart]

Thank you for your input. I will try to answer your questions as best I can. If I appear to be trying to take over this thread, I apologize, for that is not the case. I am mainly interested in what other adoptees have to say.

As to what my bdau deepest hurt may be, I honestly don't know. Perhaps it is the fact that her mom and I married a few years after she was born. The hardest thing we ever have done is put her up for adoption. Things were different back then and there was a lot of family pressure on my wife's side to do this. Early in the pregnancy my wife was sent to a home for unwed mothers. When it came time to sign the adoption papers, as the "alleged father" I had absolutely no legal rights, or at least that is what I was told. She may harbor some resentment towards her brothers. After our engage my wife to be became pregnant. We did not get married because of the pregnancy, but did move the wedding date up a couple of months. We have tried to explain all of this to her, but some things are hard to believe, I guess. We always loved her and after she was gone swore to each other that one day we would find her.

Are we religious people? To some extent, but our Christmas celebrations are not religious. It is the time when school is out and people can take a day off work here and there. It has always been a season that we made an extra effort of getting together with family and she was always a part of it. Religion has very little to do with our gatherings, other than wishing each other a Merry Christmas and exchanging gifts. A few years ago my sister in law married a Jewish man and he came to spend Christmas with the family. My sis-in-law told us that it was one of the best times he had ever spent in a family get together.

When we heard from her after she left, we both told her that we would not say goodbye and the door would always be open on our end. I just feel that she tried to burn the bridge behind her when she left. If she needed time away from us, I just wish she had said something.

All we do now is wait, I guess.

[l-thompson]

To Fathers Heart:
I have recently reunited with my birthfamily - birthmother, birthfather, two full brothers and a full sister. My birthmother and birthfather eventually married 5 years after relinquishing me.
My birthmother is forever reassuring me of her love for me and how I have been in her and my birthfathers heart always. No matter how often I hear this the hurt does not go away. If they loved me so much why did they not look for me and why did they not tell my siblings (they only became aware of my existence once contact had been mad)
I feel incredibly cheated - missing out on this family unit which I truly feel I should have been a part of. They are their own family - I know I shouldn't feel this way but I do feel like the "stranger left out in the cold" They are such lovely people and our actual reunion was wonderful but sometimes I feel so angry and at times I know I push them away. Its almost like a test I suppose, seeing how far I can push them, to see if they will still be there - they always are ( like I say they are great people)
For some adoptees the hurt will always be there and no matter what you do or say its something only we can work through. I think I tended to blame them for the way I was feeling and its only been recently that I have looked into myself for the answers.
Be patient - you sound like a wonderful person and I am sure you and your daughter will come out the other end, together.
Good Luck

[Seeking_Answers]

- Financial status was never and has not been an issue for me. It makes no difference if my birthfather was poor or rich. I never really thought about it before reunion and it made no difference after. I was not wanting anything financially so therefore why would it matter?

- Abandonment was for me him walking out on me and my mother and not wanting anything to do with me for the two decades after!

- I am needy in the sense i need reassurance. Reassurace that they WANT to know me and they don't feel it is an obligation. I also have issues of just waiting for my birthfather/his family to disappear out of my life again. Think we all need some reassurance and if that's perceived as needy then so be it. Understanding of each others feelings and fears is vital.

[debsdone]

I think you have seen some great information here. As for my questions, you answers make my "theory" off track. I found my b-mom this summer and she tends to say things that are somewhat insensitive...to the point of being cruel. I have chosen NOT to take them this way, but if I were younger, or more needy, it could quite possibly be different. Her beliefs in her religion, (Baptist) and her comments about them, tend to be quite demeaning as she knows I was raised Jewish. The simple fact that she believes that the exact same thing that "saves" her.......lands my tush in purgatory, well....that is a hard thing to overcome! I don't have a hard time with it, but my kids did. These reunions are hard. MUCH more so than we are led to believe, IMO. I wish you well and hope you re establish your relationship and/or find the answers! Love, Debi

[AntKnee]

I could care less how much money my bmom does or doesn't have. I think the only way I would have cared would have been if when I first contacted her, I became her saving grace and she asked for her and her family to move in with me and support them or something. I actually had a little bit of a fear (half jokingly) before I made contact with them that they would be living in a trailor and immediately want to come live with me. Thoughts of Pabst Blue Ribbon being drunk by a family with no teeth on my living room couch entered my mind.

I've found out that my birthfamily (like me) is pretty normal. I never expected to have or want a relationship with them, so I see everything now as being gravy. I might be saddened if they moved farther away, but as long as I had a means of contact with them, I don't see how I would ever construe that with abandonment.

And lastly, I really can't see how someone being perceived as needy can be looked at as a good thing.

[Decision]

My "reunion" is far different than what most are in, I have found my son nearly two years ago, he is still a minor.
But I do have those same questions,
Especially the finacial ones, because like you I have read threads on this aspect of reunion. I am not in poverty but I am maintaining a house with three children and a husband, we all know the cost associated to that.lol. So no I dont live in a fancy home nor drive a fancy car...and my saving well are basically non existant. I know my son comes from a "better" background as far as financial. so does that really affect a reunion?
that is only one of the smaller questions I have. The burning question is how I am feeling overly selfish for even wanting to contact, the thing is I dont want a reunion with my son at this time, sure when I first found him all I wanted was him, but now over the past two years I have started to heal and understand my own wants and needs as far as he is concerned. Is it wrong for me to want to have a relationship with his parents. I dont write to them often, perhaps twice a year, not including the cards I send at Christmas and on his birthday. See my son has told me he doesnt want me to contact him until he is ready, but I dont feel that I can do this, is that disrespectful? I found him two years ago and yes I have let things flow his way, but am I to just forget that I know were he is now that I did find him? if that is selfish then I guess I am. See my problem is that I want him and his parents to know me as a person not as the biologcal mother. My way of thinking we cant know one another if we dont converse right? I have many years in which to reunite with my son, but at the same time I found him and there must be a reason why I did. I dont know one birthmother or adoptee who has not entertained a search when they were not fully ready, I did this and won the lotto. I was not fully prepared, I am not prepared now, but the fact remains I did find him and that cannot be ignored. So is it good to write to his parents every so often letting them know that I am still here? Or is that seen as selfish and possessive? I to am not a needy person, heck if I was I would have already met him and faced rejection right?
I think what it is when we first enter a reunion we are feeling based on the feelings we have inside not looking at that person (adoptee or birthparent) as a real person. The only reason for that is because we dont know these people. I dont feel that it is wrong of me for wanting them to know me as a person instead of as a title. I am a real person after all not that surreal being.
I think a reunion in progress is a life long happening, it is pretty near impossible to get to know the other person when that person is still surreal. When an adoptee and birthparent are seperated at birth and then go through the next twenty odd years not knowing one another they tend to build this fantasy about who that person was, it takes an aweful lot of getting to know that person before that surreal image evaporates. I believe that is why you have a limbo during reunion. we are all trying to figure out what to do with that fantasy we have created now that the real person has showed up. I believe in showing my son and his parents that I am a real person this "limbo" will not be as large when and if my son does find his curiousities about me.
At least I know I am trying to help him understand there is a real person behind his birth. At this time I cannot offer him much more than that
Hugs
Melissa

[shirleyville]

I, personally, wouldn't care if my birthmom lived in a cardboard box, or in a mansion.......I am not the kind of person who cares about wealth or status or anything that goes with it. I have people in my life from those who are very wealthy to those who wonder where their next meal is coming from...makes no difference to me! BUT, it would appear that it DOES make a difference to my birthmom. She denied all contact with me when I found her in January....and one of the things that surfaced from a relationship I have with my birth cousin is that my birthmom is not financially in good shape --- she and her family have been very poor most of their lives, and she was concerned that her children (who are all in their 30's now), would be jealous of the life I have had, if they were to know me -- which is funny, because they have no clue who I am....how would she even KNOW what kind of life I've had? She denied contact without ever even asking if I was okay. She must have just assumed that I had been well taken care of.....
No, I wouldn't feel abandoned if my birthfamily moved......but there are a few people I am close to tho, who, if they moved away, would make me feel terribly abandoned. I have had insecurity/abandonment issues forever.
I've been somewhat needy at times in my life, and I have some people in my life who are as well.....I never look upon it as a bad thing. I just look upon it as something we need to work thru together!
Hugs,
Sally

[dl]

I have many times on these boards read comments about birthmothers financial status, particularly if they are poor. So my question is, is that really important? And, if so, under what circumstances is it important?

I don't feel anyone's financial status is anyone else's business. I don't choose my friends based on financial status and I wouldn't think more or less of my biofamily due to financial status. I have not seen adoptees often post about this topic. I have seen bMothers post that they felt intimidated or resentful that their child was brought up in a wealthier environment with more social advantages ~ I would think a bMother would be happy that her child had a good life. Perhaps some bMothers would prefer not to acknowledge that adoption was actually best for the child.

I have also seen posts by bMothers that were upset that their child was not raised in as wealthy a home as they were led to believe.

Personally feel it is never wise to mix family/friends with money.

Would a birthparent moving out of state make you feel as if they were leaving you - even if they let you know and left it up to you to choose to continue contact and went out of their way to make sure you knew?

No, I would not feel anyone was "leaving". We are a very transient society. Parents and children often live a distance away from each other.

my daughter has perceived me as needy. I am actually a totally independant happy person. But, the question is, is that perception something negative to most adoptees?

Yes, "being needy" would be perceived as a negative to me, whether it was in a family relationship or friendship/romantic relationship. Neediness is not healthy for any relationship IMO. It would be especially uncomfortable for someone that is, while biologically connected, a stranger to be "needy". I would analyze the behavior that allowed your daughter to arrive at this perception.