[Carol Bird]

REUNION IS A HIGHLY EMOTIONAL EXPERIENCE

Congratulations to you all in finding your adult child. I know the joy and fear that you are experiencing. Almost 18 years ago I went through it myself, and it was a solitary struggle at first, since we didn't have the kind of support you now have with Forums and Sites like this one.

Sharing your feelings with others...those who are on the same journey to recovery as you ... is very helpful. But support isn't enough. YOu need to be fully prepared for what lies ahead on your road through reunion, and that takes a lot more than "Congratulations on your Reunion!" or "Good Luck!."

Your birthchildren are young, and your separation not near as long as the 32 years I waited for my daughter to find the clues I left for her.

Young adoptees present a special problem in that they are generally just beginning to discover what life is really all about. They are either in college or working and dating. They are almost totally wrapped up in their own lives and have little time for the time-gobbling, emotional rollercoaster that Reunion tends to be..

Because of that you need to work hard on developing patience and understanding.

We birthmothers are generally centered on our own feelings and past pain when we reunite, and don't stop to think of the emotional issues our "child" must struggle with.

I've spent a lot of time in communication with adoptees and birthparents embarking on reunion, and over the years I've come to the conclusion that PREPARATION is very important before you begin the process.

There are many, many books and articles available today that offer support and guidelines to make the process a little easier for you.

Among those I recommend, aside from the actual stories written about a particular reunion, are aids like the following:
THE ADOPTION REUNION SURVIVAL GUIDE is one of the best handbooks I"ve seen. I wish it had been available to me back in the 1970s when I began opening doors to my identities, and in the late 1980s when my reunion with my daughter took place. The book offers examples, advice, guidelines, suggestions and warnings that can help you avoid problems, or at least make them easier to understand and solve. Get a copy...
[b]The Adoption Reunion Survival Guide,[b] by Bailey & Giddens, $13.95 at most chain bookstores. On line you can order from Adoption Site bookshops and Amazon, but must pay shipping & handling.

Some fast (free) advice can be found right here:
Top Ten Ways to a Successful Reunion --
http://www.adopting.org/ReunionAdvice.html<br>

Reunion Socialization--
http://www.adopting.org/ReunionSocialization.html<br>

There are many others that can be found on this site at
http://www.adoptionlibrary.com
and in the archives of ADOPTION WEEK e-magazine:
http://www.adoptionweek.com/showarticles.php

Start your own preparation program right now, and be ready for the issues that are bound to pop up during the coming months and years of reunion.

BE SURE TO READ THE FIVE STAGES OF REUNION POSTED BY THE SEARCH GURU ON THIS FORUM.

[blankenb4]

Great advice!

Thanks,

Barbara

[trguitar]

Might I share my story? When I was found by my daughter, she was 1350 miles away. You see I live in the northern most reaches of New York and she lives in central Florida. Within two weeks I was there and very nervously waiting to meet her. She elected to come to our hotel, with me and my wife and son and daughter waiting. I was so nervous. I knew she had a blue mustang and one pulled into the parking lot. I saw the door open and a hand and foot pertrude ... the pull back in and the door shut. The car sat motionless for about 15 minutes that seemed an eternity. I knew it was her. I wanted to run to her only fearing I would be hugging a petrified stranger. My wife admonished me, "Get back from the window you will scare her!". There was a knock at the door ... oh my god! Now I have to tell you, I was not totally sure that she was my daughter. The mother told me she was, but I also had caught her with other men. Well, when I opened that door and saw that face staring back at me ...... you see, I have rather unique cheek bones ....... well it was obvious. We hugged and I brought her into the room to meet my family. She yelled at me, "Stop staring at me!" lol That day was 2 1/2 years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday. She is oh so definitely my daughter. It seems so silly now as she is a familiar face and we visit frequently, but oh that first meeting. The great distance has limited me to twice a year but we have made the most of it and we talk via the internet several times a week. I look so foreward to our visits but leaving is oh so painful. I hug her like I never want to let go and she knows it.

[Lis6191]

trguitar, thanks for sharing your story. There are so many emotions that surround reunion. It never ceases to amaze me all the stories out here on the forum. It was not so easy for me when I was found. I always enjoy different perspectives as I have grown so much since joining the forum. You can read more about my journey here:
Confession to a bmom
Look forward to hearing more about your reunion.

[trguitar]

I read your story Lis and it is touching. I can understand the way you feel. Things with my daughter and her birth mom are different than with me, you see, I am not the one who gave her away. If I had things my way, she would have been kept. Fortunately I think she was better off being raised where and by who she was. My family has been very stable but I can't say the same for the birth mom. I try not to speak badly of the birth mom cause that sheds a bad light on me, but my daughter has a totally different relationship with her. She told me that with her family and her husbands family she only has room and time for one more family and that is mine and that her birthmom will have to deal with that. When I found out who and where my daughter was, I went there as fast as possible. 2 weeks I believe I mentioned. The birth mom became angry with this and broke off contact for a few months, at least until she sent a birthday card to my daughter. I thought, oh great, you just gave her away again. I later found out that the birth mom delayed giving me information about my daughter for a month. My daughter had thought she just wasn't going to hear from me. Anyways, I set the story straight and possibly that is what the birthmom feared, I don't know. In 2 1/2 years time my daughter has met her birth mom once ... last Easter ..... gave her about an hour of her time in a mall. I was there at the time with my family spending the entire Easter break with her and she tried to keep that fact secret from the birth mom. I unfortunately think I ruined that as we found ourselves side by side with them in a traffic jam on the way back north. Now figure the odds on that. I pretended not to see her ... don't think it worked. What I found that angered me is that her birth mom's current husband's parents live near my daughter .... so why so long for the visit???? Oh well, none of my business I suppose. (I say current husband as she has had 3 or 4 with a couple kids by each) I have been married for 21 years and have two other children. O.K ... I have to brag. We have spent Christmas with my daughter, Easter with my daughter, the 4th of July with my daughter and I bought her wedding dress and co-gave her away with her adopted father at her wedding. Everytime I visit, I make a point of being sure the last thing I do when I say good bye is promise to come back.

I appoligize for being long winded, it is just so nice to share this stuff with those who understand.

[srchin']

trguitar,

Your story is amazing....y'all sound like y'all have such a strong bond.....I'm a little jealous (I don't know my bdad yet but me and my adad will never share an experiece like that) He's uncomforitable with me searching (oh well) Anyway I think it is so cool that y'all are so close and spending so much time with each other....that is AWESOME!!!!!!

srchin'

[zacqrich39]

Originally Posted by srchin'

trguitar,

Your story is amazing....y'all sound like y'all have such a strong bond.....I'm a little jealous (I don't know my bdad yet but me and my adad will never share an experiece like that) He's uncomforitable with me searching (oh well) Anyway I think it is so cool that y'all are so close and spending so much time with each other....that is AWESOME!!!!!!

srchin'

Hello, thanks I appreciate your getting your feed back. I'm really still learning the computer and typing. Just started october 2004. I'll share with you that, It's not just you a lot of people are having the same effects as we. I never could stan looking or approaching my parents about having a conversation, about my adoption, I loved them, but I still had that curios felling to now. I just keep those feelings to myself. Yes, deep inside I paid for it later, after they both died ( adopt - M&D). Today I'm living Independently alone and curious still. I have connected to a social wkr who has made contact with my birth mom, but birth mom Isn't ready.

I'm learning that once we mature enough, and put our pass feelings behind us, It's better to move ahead. I understand me and my adopted father didn't bond In the way to have that kind of conversation either. Kind of scared. I think they are just as scared as we are, It's really hard when the love is there.
Thanks,

[Stephaniesbmom]

trguitar,

It's so nice to hear the bdad's side! In my personal experience it's rare to have a dad embrace his daughter so willingly. I am on the other side of the fence from you, but simular in many ways! I wish more "questionable" bdads would take the risk you have...the rewards are worth it...aren't they?

Chris

[trguitar]

It sure is. As I type this my daughter I raised who is in college is chatting with me about our trip this summer to visit my daughter in Florida. Last night was my son's 18th birthday. We had a little party here and on the computer screen via IM was my daughter in Florida for her little brother's birthday. How cool is that? Oh, and as far as a risk .... I had nothing to lose. You see, I had lost her long ago and this was a chance to get her back.