[shirleyville]

Hey Guys!
So...most of you know my story, and for those of you who don't, it's not hard to find here at the forum! I've been posting forever, it seems, and have found so much fellowship, friendship, support and caring here since October of last year, that I have no idea how I would have ever gotten thru this journey without all of you!!!
For those of you who aren't familiar......last October, on my birthday, I hired a CI, thru my state, to locate my birthmother. The CI was successful in locating Mary Ellen in January of this year, but unfortunately, she was emotionally unable to accept the concept of contact, and filed papers with the state to seal my records permanently. I subsequently located her, on my own, and found her living right here -- within ten minutes of me! My siblings (who do not know I exist) are also here, as well as my aunt and cousins. My aunt and one of my cousins know who I am, and I have had some contact with my cousin -- with a lot of "caveats" involved in the relationship. My aunt, while thrilled to know who I was, felt that contact with me would be a betrayal to her sister, so she hooked me up with my cousin, who, before March, had no idea I existed either.....although we grew up together in the same school system and played on the same sports teams in high school. My cousin agreed to be my "family liason", but I was instructed early on that "there are some things best left unknown" and that there were things she wouldn't share with me in order to protect her aunt (my mother).
She's given me a few family photos.....most of which had my great grandparents and grandparents in them -- people I obviously couldn't identify in public, because they are dead! I got two of my mother, but she was a small child in them....same goes for my sister and one of my brothers. The only picture I have of them is when my sister was six and my middle brother was two. This is designed, I am sure, as a way to protect their identities, since we live in such close proximity to one another -- something I find ludicrous, since I know where they all live, and could SEE them anytime I want to.....
I have wrestled since January with the moral issue of attempting to make contact with my birthmom, since she said "NO" so vehemently when contacted by my CI. She made it abundently clear, at the time, that she never wanted contact, and that she had no intentions of ever telling my siblings that I exist.
At the time, I had no idea she was just down the road, so to speak. She could have been ANYWHERE, since the irony in all of this is that I didn't COME from here.....I moved here when I was three. I was born in a city over an hour away, and always assumed my birthfamily would either be there, or would have moved to another state in the last 39 years. Finding her so close, and having the luxury of being able to pass by her home any time I chose has made things more difficult for me to ignore.
Those of you who have followed my "saga" know that I have had a letter "under construction" for several months now, and have wrestled with thoughts of actually SENDING it, since my cousin said that receipt of communication from me would send my mother over the edge. According to her, my mother is frail, emotionally, and has lived in fear for 39 years that I would some how resurface, thus, destroying her family and her world. Mary Ellen is totally unaware that I live here, and my aunt and cousin have never shared with her that they have had contact with me. I'm not even "allowed" to send a card to my aunt for fear my mother might stumble upon it one day, while at her house, and know that my aunt betrayed her wishes.
For awhile, the thought of going "against" my aunt and cousin's wishes, worried me. I felt that if I sent a letter to my mother, I would lose the only contact I have with my birthfamily -- which undoubtedly, I will. BUT, in the last few months, the contact with my cousin has dwindled to nothing, and if there IS any, I am the one who initiates it. The "information pipeline" has dried up, because, understandably, my cousin, who is younger than myself, can't give me the answers that I seek....and my aunt (who is several years older than my birthmom) won't talk to me.
I have come to the conclusion, and the resolve (right or wrong)that for my own closure, and my own peace of mind in all of this that a letter is in order......and I have decided that I will make sure it is in her hands on October 4th -- which is my birthday. One year ago, I decided that hiring the CI was the best birthday gift I could ever give myself.....and this year, I've decided that the letter is this years "best gift".
I've worked on it....honed it, crafted it.....have re-written it....inserted things and taken things out. I am sure it will continue this way up until the time it goes out, because, as a writer, I know that words are tools and can be very powerful, I also know this is, more than likely, the "one and only" piece of communication I will ever have with my birthmother. It has to be what I want and need it to be.....and it will be.
My question is about the actual DELIVERY of the letter. I hesitate to use the "signature required" route, because knowing my birthmom's fears surrounding "official" things (she is nervous about courts and documents and things that are "certified"). I want the feel of the letter to be casual and unthreatening...something soft and warm and wonderful. I am not really afraid of anyone seeing the letter or it falling into the wrong hands, because her husband knows about me, and was in favor of her having contact with me. My siblings are all married and live away from home, so I don't think I need to send the letter "registered".......
But I also, of course, have the option to hand deliver it. I have NO idea if I have the nerve to do it.......but I have entertained the idea of showing up, on my birthday, with a bouquet of flowers and the letter......knocking on the door and handing them to her myself.....and then just walking away, as any delivery person would do. My best friend's husband has a white delivery van -- we could very easily use it so it would appear benign and ordinary.
I have no idea if she would recognize me......we look amazingly alike in the face, but she has blonde hair and blue eyes, and I have brown hair and hazel eyes -- and since she has no idea I live here, she might not think a thing of it, initially. I think after I left, and she read the letter, she would put two and two together, but I would be long gone by then.....
I don't know.....what do you guys think? Should I mail it? Should I deliver it??? Am I making a mistake altogether by attempting any of it????
Any advice is much appreciated!
Hugs,
Sally

[Just Julie]

Wow! Thinking of hand delivery sounds so exciting, like in a book or movie! I wouldn't mention your aunt and cousin in the letter, betraying them, and hopefully your mom will not have a heart attack or stroke on the spot. Think what might be the worst case senario from any action and decide if you can live with it. For example, how would you feel if they ALL ended up hating you and publically renouncing you? If you have strong support from your family and friends maybe that would be OK and you might as well go ahead. God bless. I can't wait to read the next chapter.

[dkb60]

In light of all you know about your birthmother, I think personal delivery would be very cruel. Even in my situation, which has turned out to be a wonderful reunion, my bdaughter showing up on my doorstep on her birthday (which is still a very painful day for me even post reunion) would have been more than I could have ever handled and I consider myself a pretty stable person.

I understand how hard this is for you but once someone is found, the "ball" is in their court. Forcing contact never seems wise.

I do think a letter of some sort is appropiate. Maybe a trusted friend could deliver it if you feel the need to do it with a live body. I personally would go the mail route.

My heart goes out to you.
D.

[AntKnee]

I think the hand delivery is very creeative. If you do it, I would put something at the end of the letter like, "did the delivery person look familiar to you?" or something...

Even if you didn't deliver it yourself, I think it would be good to at least have someone you know hand deliver it, that way you will know that she definitely received it. Plus, since she most likely wouldn't know it's from you (why would she), she will probably open it up and read it right away.

[BrandyHagz]

I say GO FOR IT!

This may be your first, last and only chance to stand toe to toe with the woman who gave birth to you...

At this point, you have NOTHING to lose...you cant lose a relationship you've never had to start with

I'm always here if you need to chat!

[Dragonfly82]

Wow! Been wondering when this day would come. I do agree with Julie Barker with the thought that if YOU deliver this letter, it just might give her a heart attack! I think that I might, at least, faint if my son came to my door unannounced . . . and I WANT to be found! So I'm thinking I would have a trusted friend, or your husband (would he do it?) and you could sit right there at the four-way stop ~ The fact that your letter would have no postage on it, would tell her that this person that delivered this knows YOU, right? Wow!

I would somehow include something in your letter, if you haven't already, that you would be willing (assuming you would ) to have PRIVATE communication with her, so nobody would have to know and meeting her just once 'privately' would satisfy you ~ lol I just think that if you 'offer' the private single meeting, she might see it as a way to end her fears, 'if I just meet her once, she'll drop this and nobody will know' ~ that one meeting could possibly help her to realize that this doesn't have to be a terrible thing and she'll see that you're a wonderful person and will want further communication. Just a idea, hope it made sense.

Man, I would pay to see this letter delivered. If I could witness YOU delivering it . . . I'd give up my paycheck! LMAO (not funny tho, as I'd hate to see her faint or worse)

So I say, go for it!!! I see it as, what have you got to lose now? I will start praying now for this to work out for you. October 4th, right? Wow, you have to wait 29 more days for this . . . aaarrgghhh Keep us posted. Don't you dare 'go missing' on us again ~ especially around the 4th ~ lol ((((HUGE HUGS) . . . behind you all the way Sally!

[shirleyville]

Thanks for all the replies, everyone!
I truly don't believe that Mary Ellen would know who I was if I were standing right in front of her -- especially if I were there to deliver flowers -- she'd probably be more interested in looking at the FLOWERS rather than the person delivering them! She also has no reason to expect me to be here....I could live in California for all she knows. But I don't know that I could actually go thru with it! I think I might be the one having a heart attack rather than her! LMAO I am an actress, and I teach theatre arts, but that would have to be one hell of a performance on my part not to completely fall apart!
I think the mail option is the safest way to do it....but as Brandy said, my thoughts keep coming back to the fact that this may just be the one and only time I will ever stand face to face with her. If she doesn't decide to contact me, after the letter -- or if she does contact me and tell me to "stay away", then I will have to accept that as the final word. I have absolutely no reason to believe this letter will change her mind....but I feel that I have to at least try. The contact from my CI was so "cold and clinical"......I just want, for one time in my life, for her to know what I was thinking when I hired the CI and why I wanted contact. I want her to know it from my heart, and in my words. I don't want to leave things forever in her mind, and in mine, as something cold and clinical.
Does that make sense?
Hugs,
Sally

[sspete]

I personally love the idea of Flowers being delivered to her along with the letter!!! It is a nice gift to her that will possibly put a real person....her bdaughter.....behind the letter!!!! With the letter being delivered on your birthday, with flowers, that is VERY sweet!!! It would be best though if you get a trusted family member or friend to deliver them!!!! We would not want to loose you or her during the delivery!!!!!

Sally...Bless your heart I wish Mary Ellen would respond to you!!!! She does not know what she is missing!!!! You are a HOOT!!!!!! I will be on pins and needles with you until October 4!!! My Prayers are with you that she will atleast agree to meet with you ONCE!!!!! YOU DESERVE THAT!!!!!

S Pete

[silverqueenbee]

At this point, you have NOTHING to lose...you cant lose a relationship you've never had to start with

I agree with Brandy; I guess it is somewhat with a chip on my shoulder that I say that. I feel like most of us didn't get any say in the way our lives were changed forever. When it was my turn and I found my bfamily, there was so much power in knowing, "I choose this; whatever happens from here on out, I can direct, because I KNOW!! The power of the "unknown" was broken for me for the first time in my life. I tend to be a take things "head-on" so I would probably go face-to-face (after visiting my dr. for some Valium!! LOL) just because it may be my one and only shot. I think it would be harder to just "forget" your flesh and blood if they cared so much and wanted to see you that much. Not that it doesn't matter how she feels, but just how much thought is put into how WE all feel about our lives as adoptees??? Just my 2 cents...Good luck with whatever you decide. Becka

[radiodoll]

Hi Sally!

I know we share the "no contact" thing about our birthmothers, and I cannot for the life of me imagine finding out I grew up with my cousins. I feel a lot of emotions about this next step for you.

I can only use my own perspective so bear with me.

First - I don't think you should not do it. This is very reminiscent of stalking in the sense that she has the right to protect herself and had legally taken action to insure this. Remember that you will be liable for criminal charges that Mary Ellen or other in the family can file on her behalf. This would not be good for you or your family. It also shows a lack of respect that I believe you would come to regret. Adding extra emotional baggage to what we already carry is dangerous for us.

Second - if you DO do it, don't send a letter. Go in person and be prepared to talk. Since you do have a communications background, it should be pretty easy to write up a game plan on HOW to approach her and then what to say in order to try and acheive your goal: to tell her how you feel. If you send a letter knowing you're right down the street, whether YOU deliver it or not, it's cowardly - and I REALLY believe that you are neither a coward, nor will you be satisfied.

That's just my persepective from reading your posts for awhile here. She may not even read the letter once she senses what's going on. Or she may read it and burn it.

I think you want to meet her. Just go do it. Stop playing around. It's between you and her and God. Just be prepared for the consequences of your actions.

I think you're grand and I will pray for you. Good Luck -

Radiodolljust do it

[shirleyville]

Hmmmmmmm...........
Radio, I assume in your paragraph that begins.....

First - I don't think you should not do it.

....
That you meant to say "I don't think you should do it". At least that is my take on it from what you've said.
I appreciate all of your points of view, for sure, since you also experienced the "no contact" thing.
I have had a lot of time to think about this -- almost nine months to be exact , and I have been all over the map of emotions and thoughts regarding Mary Ellen and "our" circumstances. From the moment my CI called and said she wanted no contact, and for several months afterward, I felt that I must "protect" my birthmother and her wishes at all costs. I felt as if I "owed" her that respect because she gave me life, and believe me when I say to you that I DO respect Mary Ellen with all my heart and soul. In time, however, my emotional response to that respect has taken on a different meaning. I have come to realize that I am, in part, deserving of some respect, too. All I am asking for is the courtesy of her hearing what I have to say, in my heart....just once.....in 39 years. I truly don't feel that is too much to ask. I want her to know what is in my heart......the heart she created. She doesn't have to respond.....I just want her to have it. If she wants to burn it, she can burn it....she can tear it into a million tiny pieces -- but at least I will know I said what I needed to say. I don't think, once she has the letter, that she will be left with ANY doubt as to my level of respect for her, and the respect I have for the life she gave me. She will know that she has meant, and continues to mean, the world to me -- no matter her response.
Does that make sense?
I could NEVER say what is in my heart verbally......I am not made that way. I am, by nature, a writer, and I would be doing both of us a disservice by just "going there prepared to talk". I would be left unsatisfied and she would be left thinking I am a stuttering idiot. LMAO My words, when expressed on paper, will be a gift to her, and a gift to myself -- there isn't anything cowardly in that.
I am fully prepared for the consequenses of my actions.....I realize I will more than likely be cutting out Shannon by sending this letter, but I have no real contact with her anyway, and I have asked her every question I ever wanted to ask, with little to no satisfaction. I know all I am ever going to know from her....and I am never going to be "allowed" to talk to Aunt Judy, so that makes no difference in this, either.
The worst that can happen is that nothing changes......the desired outcome is first and foremost, that I am allowed to say what I wanted to say when I began all of this....and the best outcome would be that she would understand it. Anything else is icing on the cake....my BIRTHDAY cake!
Hugs,
Sally

[ladybuglady]

Wow!

Shirleyville you have such a saga going. I would say either do it yourself and just say "Hi, I am from (insert local flower shop name here) and have a delivery for you." or just go to the flower shop and give them a card with the letter inside to attach to the flowers. Then you can make sure she gets it on the day you want. Or, have your friend deliver it and go with her and watch the reaction. I almost think you should do the first but I agree with you that I don't think that I could do it because of my nerves and she might sense your anxiety. And then at the end of the note you could put "I enjoyed seeing you today but will gice you the distance you need if that is what you desire."

Good luck sweetie!

LBL

[dl]

After reading all the posts, something that "ladybuglady" mentioned was what I was thinking would be a good approach.

"just go to the flower shop and give them a card with the letter inside to attach to the flowers. Then you can make sure she gets it on the day you want."

I would NOT deliver them yourself. What if Mary Ellen shocks the he!l out of you and agrees to a meeting after reading your letter. She may remember you as the "delivery person" and that would not be a good way to start off. Using an actual local florist would be an honest approach. No lies, no pretending. I like that idea better than mailing the letter, plus flowers would be a nice touch. Have the florist use one of the "keepsake" vases so Mary Ellen will have it as a reminder. Or, send a plant that has flowers placed in it in those little water tubes. That way she'll have a plant to take care of that will remind her of you!

I agree with you that you're not really taking a risk at loosing what you have with your cousin. It hasn't really led to much of a relationship - same with Aunt Judy. This will either move things forward or leave it the same with you having the satisfaction that you put your feelings in front of Mary Ellen. Are you including any pictures with your letter?

Good thoughts are with you! Agree with "Dragonfly82" ~ no "MIA" action allowed near the 4th of October!! Best of Luck!

[Carol Bird]

I honestly hate to burst your balloon, Sally, but the comment about "stalking" is right on the mark.

I do not believe you should do this. While I certainly don't approve of Mary Ellen's rejection, I sincerely believe you will be making an irreparable mistake that you will regret for the rest of your life.

Rejection is a terrible thing to have to live with --- I truly ache for those of you who are experiencing it ....

But a vengeful action can only bring unhappiness for everyone involved. There may be a reason for Mary Ellen's reaction to your inquiry that can have painful repercussions.

Let her be, Sally. She most likely is living in fear as it is. Just let her be. If you do this, you will destroy any possibility of a future meeting ... a change of heart!

Carol

[Shoshana]

hi sally:

seems like most people who responded don't think you should deliver the flowers yourself -- i agree with that.

if i were in your shoes, i'd do the same thing -- i'd write and rewrite and rewrite ad nauseum until the letter was perfect.

then i'd do things differently than you're thinking.

it sounds like your primary goal is for mary ellen to hear your words. i believe your seconary goal is to be able to express your feelings. (it is really irrelevant which goal is primary and which is secondary -- but those do seem to be your goals). i understand that you NEED to be able to express your feelings. i completely agree with you that that is YOUR right.

the question becomes then, how best to meet your goals. i think the flower delivery by you is a BAD idea. at the very least, it is deceptive. it could easily backfire (as others have said too) and you'd not meet your goals.

i also think the flower delivery by a real delivery person is a bad idea. it's not necessary. sally, i really don't mean this to sound harsh, okay? but it seems to me that it's just too dramatic (oh! i just remembered you're in theatre!). still, you don't have a NEED to send her flowers so why create more drama? from everything you've shared about mary ellen, receiving the letter in and of itself is going to be stressful enough for her. i also think that if this 'event' is overboard, that it will significantly diminish your chances of being heard.

it really is possible that she COULD have a such a significant emotional reaction to flowers/letter that it could trigger some sort of medical event. that would be a horrible outcome for everyone involved.

and -- my last point! (i promise). i also do NOT think you should deliver the letter on your birthday. the day is just too loaded. in a way, again, it is also adding unnecessary drama, but that's not why i don't think it's a good idea. i don't think it's a good idea because she could possibly be tense and nervous on your birthday and in the days preceding it. again, thinking about your goals, it seems to me that the SAFEST bet would be to simply MAIL the letter AFTER your birthday when her emotional coast is clear, so to speak.

oftentimes, true power lies in simplicity.

sally, i really do understand why you need to write this letter. you have my support. i hope it works out for you.

Best Wishes!