[sehooke]

Have some of you felt this in your reunion? My bmom who has been looking for me for 12 years is estatic that we have been reunited (not face to face yet). We have exchanged pictures and phone calls and emails. I have been sharing her picture with my friends and family. However, she has only revealed me to one of her close friends and just recently to her mother and brother (who never knew of my existence). My bdad never told his parents and didn't tell his wife of 5 years until an hour before we talked for the first time. Though things are going really good with her. I feel this desire to be claimed and have her share our news and my pictures w/ others. I feel I need this from both of them. He, I don't think is really into all of this and I feel I wasn't maybe the word is "validated" (I don't any other way of naming it) when I was conceived and still am not. I am sure bmom's have lived this secret for so long it is hard for them to share something so personal to others. Both of my bparents do not have children. My bmom is not married. Because things are going so well I would think she would just be bouncing off the walls and telling all. But I know that is not what some feel. Could some bmom's share their insight into this?
I guess just after 35 years of being kept a secret I want them to claim me and to stop hiding the truth. I suppose it is still a bit shamefull after all they have been thru all these years.

Please enlighten me.
Suz

[sspete]

Hi Suz.....What your bmom is doing is VERY common!!!!! Ladies of your bmom's generation were made to feel shameful for what they had done!!!! From having a child out of wedlock to choosing adoption. It is scarry for them to begin telling everyone!!!! After recently reuniting with my bdaughter I am telling others all about her!! Although this is the case, it is still hard for me to tell the story, because of the stigma attached. I feel I must explain the story. My bdaughter is only 19!!!! THirty five years ago it was even worse!!!
She will probably come around in time......just be patient with her!!!! Remember she was told to just go on with her life and hide the truth.....it is hard to rise above that and know that times have changed!!!!

My prayers are with you.......Enjoy your reunion at a comfortable pace for everyone involved!!!!! Time will prove to be VERY valuable!!!!

S PEte

[collinsfriend]

bmom may be afraid she will be rejected or vilified by her aquaintences. Gossip fodder etc. at work, or home. Image is very importaant to all of us and maintaining whatever image she has may be very scary to her to think some people might see her differently. Hopefully her choice of friends is good and they will all be fine.

[shirleyville]

sehooke,
I located my birthmom in January of this year, thru the use of a confidential intermediary, and unfortunately, she was emotionally unable to accept any sort of contact with me. After 38 years of keeping me a "secret", she just couldn't bring herself to open up the floodgates to her painful past. She has three other children (my siblings) who have no idea what so ever that I exist, and it is her intention that they never will. Only her husband, her step mother, her sister and her sister's husband were aware that I was born, and she never told a soul who my father was. She was living with her sister at the time I was conceived, and she didn't even tell her, who he was.
I understand that feeling of needing to be "validated". Being denied contact altogether didn't give me any form of closure, because I didn't even get to talk to her -- my intermediary was the only one who spoke with her.
Subsequently, I located her whereabouts, and was shocked to learn that she lives right here -- within ten miles of my house -- and has been here all my life. She has no idea I know who she is, or where she is, even tho I pass her home frequently. I contacted my aunt, because I knew her when I was in high school. Her daughter (my cousin) and I played on the same sports teams....and my aunt even car pooled with me several times. She was thrilled to know who I was, and that I was okay, but she felt having contact with me would betray her sister, so she also chose not to speak with me, or see me -- even tho we live in the same rural area. She did, however, call my cousin, who was SHOCKED to learn of my existance, let alone the shock of KNOWING me, and she and I have had some contact over the last few months. Nothing to write home about, but we do speak occasionally, and she's given me some family photos and some medical information.
They are very protective and close people.....
I think the reactions our birthmoms have to being contacted or reunited are just a product of the 1960's era of "secrets and lies". Our mothers were told to "move on" and "forget".....they didn't have support groups or forums to go to, to speak openly about their pain and their grief. They suffered in silence...and after awhile, that silence became a part of them.
I often feel sorry for my birthmom.....the burden of that silence has been with her for so long. I wish she could find a way to break it, but I can't force her to. It is something she has to do for herself, or it wouldn't be any good for either of us.
I wish you and your birthmom a wonderful reunion....give her some time.....I would imagine she will open up eventually.
Hugs,
Sally

[Jackiejdajda]

> I am sure bmom's have lived this secret for so long it is hard for them to share something so personal to others.

Some of us were told to never speak of the baby.. Some of us became phobic.. Some of us are unable to articulate our feelings and are terrified of them..

I did not grieve till 1990.. (I relinquished in 1965)
It was a very difficult time for me.. I had a lot of emotional issues to sort.. A lot of unexpressed anger and pain.
It took me years to sort my feelings..
I urge you to give her some time..

Jackie

[dl]

Years ago, women lied about being virgins on their wedding night as to not be a virgin on your wedding night was considered shameful. They would have been made to feel "not worthy".

Just consider how much more shame would have been heaped on this woman for not only having had sex, but for having had a child and surrendering it for adoption.

It is not the child that is the secret, it is their own behavior that they have kept a secret. Times have changed, but much of the shame is still there for many women. Try to be patient and understanding. In this day and age it's hard to believe how things used to be, but it is the reality they lived with then and it continues to affect their behavior to this very day.

[Carol Bird]

Only a few people ever knew of my baby throughout the 32 years Susan and I were apart -- a few very good friends, my siblings and my mother. My Dad, who was a bit puritanical about his daughter died not knowing of her existence. He and mom divorced when I was two and I wasn't living at home at the time.

By 1980, after waiting five years after posting on the ISRR and not hearing from my daughter, I lost hope and fell into deep depression. I was ashamed to admit what was happening, and hoping to keep my secret safe, decided to participate in a depression medication trial at a local hopsital. It didn't cost me anything and I didn't think I had anything to lose. I had to go through several different interviews before acceptance and through them all I lied about giving birth.

At the final interview, however, (this one with a neurologist and a psychologist), I choked on the lie and began to cry. For the first time since my baby's adoption, I admitted to strangers that I gave my baby up to adoption in 1954.

Oh, Lord, what a wonderful feeling of freedom I felt at that moment. It was as though I had released myself from life long self-imprisonment.

To this day I sincerely believe that admission broke down a wall between myself and reality. Just a few days after the interview, on Dec. 16, 1985, my daughter made her first phone call to me.

Susan and I made a date for me to join her, her husband and my first granddaughter (5 months old) in D.C. over the New Year Holiday.

When I returned I sat at my computer (a Kaypro CP/M system--before DOS). using PrintMaster, I designed a New Year greeting card. I gave a brief summary of my daughter's birth and adoption and enclosed copies of photos of my grandbaby and my daughter and s-i-l.

I mailed that card and pix to ALL of my friends and relatives; even business associates.

The reaction stunned me. Most of these people always wondered why I never married and had children. I was a puzzle of a sort, but now they had the answer.

Letters poured in and the phone rang constantly with people sharing my joy.

NOT ONE PERSON FAULTED ME FOR HAVING GIVEN UP MY BABY!

The most common comment went something like "Good Lord, how painful it must have been for you to live all those years with such a secret."

We older birthmothers were brain- washed into believing that society would always condemn us for having given birth outside of marriage. We were shamed so much that we lived our lives truly believing that we were a discredit to our families and society.

But -- in the end, most of us have discovered a very forgiving society and true friends and relatives who love us unconditionally.

I know my dad would have loved his first granddaughter, though he would have been disappointed in me at first!

I have no qualms or feelings of shame to be introduced as Susan's Birthmother TO ANYONE. I've met all of her adoptive family and relations and friends, and have been warmly welcomed and accepted as a part of the family. These are all people who have loved my daughter all of her life.

As time goes by we hope to get this message out to other birthmothers who continue to hide that secret. If ANYONE ever faulted me for what I did in 1954, they were never a true friend and I certainly don't need them in my life.

I've had my daughter in my life almost 18 years now. That chubby first grandbaby was joined by a sister when she was 18 months old; both are now in High School...and, as an extra bonus I have a perfectly wonderful son-in-law.

God is smiling on us.

Hugs, Carol