[BabsCanada]

I am an adoptive mom, in an open adoption, and this week as always, know that this is the best way!

In the late 1980's, my sister became pregnant and denied it until it was impossible to ignore. Shortly before the birth, she admitted it and said she had made an adoption plan. The boy was adopted into a local family, and there has been no contact.

This week my father received a phone call from the boy, who said he was his grandson, and wants to meet.

My parents are concerned, because they don't know how much they can tell the boy. The birth and adoption have never been discussed, by my sister's choice. We don't know if her husband knows.

I told my parents that the boy has likely contacted them, because he recognizes the last name, which is an unusual one. He may be searching for his birthmom, or ?

There are a few options for how to proceed -

I've told them they should meet him, and find out what he is asking for. I suggested that if he asks to locate my sister, he be told that we'd need to talk to her first, that she may not want a relationship. I worry that he may not be prepared for what could be a negative reaction from her. He is only 14.

I wonder about contacting my sister before this meeting, to let her know he's found 'grandpa', and see how she feels about this.

I wonder about contacting the adoptive dad, who is known to us, to see if the boy is truly prepared for a reunion, and what info he already knows.

Any ideas out there?

Just as a last thought - as I said at the beginning, open adoption certainly ensures that situations like this don't happen. My daughter knows her birthmom and siblings, and we'll never have to worry about the effects of a reunion at age 14.

Thanx,
Babs

[BrandyHagz]

Babs

I think before anyone agrees to a meeting with a 14 year old, they need to make sure the a-parents know about it.

It can be a bad thing if he is doing this all behind their back.

They need to be aware of his search, mostly because the outcome is so unsure. He needs to have the support of his family should it all blow up in his face. Fourteen is a selfish age...and I doubt he is actually prepared for the outcome of the reunion, good or bad.

If the a-parents know, then you should talk to your sister now. She needs to start warming up to the idea even before the meeting with the grandparents takes place...

[patrisha]

Babs-

First I'd have to ask how at 14 he obtained the information to track down your father. Somebody had to give him some identifying information (adoptive parents?).

At the very least a conversation should take place between his parents and yours before any meeting is agreed to. Hopefully this conversation will provide some insight into what's driving his curiosity at this time (problem w/aparents, behavior, abuse).

As a birth mom, I feel your sister should be told immediately. She is directly involved whether or not she wants contact . Besides, if he was resourceful enough to find your Dad, he'll probably find her eventually anyway.


I can't agree more with your closing comment.............

"Just as a last thought - as I said at the beginning, open adoption certainly ensures that situations like this don't happen. My daughter knows her birthmom and siblings, and we'll never have to worry about the effects of a reunion at age 14."

At the very least it gives the child a choice of knowing or not knowing their birth family. Removing the mystique would prevent the fantasizing that sets many adoptees up for disappointment.

Trish

[Alli27]

Those are 2 important points. #1 I would make sure his AM & AD know about this. They might be extremely hurt to find out their boy is doing this behind their back. Also Checking with your sister also.

Good luck.

[sspete]

I totally agree that someone should tell the aparents now!!! He is WAY to young to handle the emotions that go along with finding a bfamily!!!!

I also totally agree with NOT keeping this from your sister---she may or may not want anything to do with reuniting right now, but she needs to be aware of what is going on!!!! SHe should ask her BEFORE you say anything to the boy!!! If she is not ready then the grandparents could proceed with a relationship----ONLY IF THE APARENTS KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON!!!

I hope this helps---I wish ALL of you the VERY BEST ----Hopefully this is the beginning of some wonderful new relationships!!!! My prayers are with all of you!!!

S Pete

[Dixierae]

HI
I have read your post and theres only one answer
THE TRUTH AND NOTHING BUT THE TRUTH.
asking your sister might be best on this young child, no need for him to get hurt . Ive had the reunion with my bchild and they want nothing more then the truth.
EVERYONE NEEDS TRUTHS NOW DONT WE?
GOOD LUCK TO YOU AND THE FAMILY

[BabsCanada]

Thank you all for your quick replies.

I guess I was leaning towards hearing the young boy out, finding out how much HE wanted to know, without sort of 'going behind his back' to contact the a-parent; but you're all correct, the adoptive parent should be involved as well, because the boy is still so young.

I have passed these comments on to my parents and hope that will help them do the right thing. They are very supportive of our adoption, and very involved with our daughter, but I think because they were less involved in this situation from the start, it has been handled very differently.

I welcome more responses! This may be an ongoing issue, I doubt it will be resolved with just one meeting.

Babs

[Blue Irish Eyes]

When I was 14 we moved to a new house out of an apt. In the move, my folks opened a safe they had in which they kept important papers. I suspect they did not have a safe deposit box yet. Anyway. I was always curious about what was in that black safe..and here was my chance to find out!!!!

I always knew I was an adoptee but nothing more...not any name or where I was really born ( I was always told to say the town in which we lived..which was not the truth) and other details. So that is how the lad may have found out..papers left out. If not, I would be very curious to know how he found out this kind of detailed information and it is a question I would ask.

As to what to do? I agree strongly with those who suggest alerting the boys parents that he has done this. And at the same time I would have a discussion with the sister about the situation and learn her desire at this time. She very may well not be in a position to meet the boy. If this is the case, then the aparents need to know this.

I think too there is merit in discussing the matter with the boys biodad because as someone said..if the lad is clever enough to find out where his grand dad is..he is clever enough by half to find out where everyone else is too.

and I say again it is really important to find out where he got the start up information. If he duped an angency with false sigunatures etc...he could be in some trouble.

Good luck and keep us posted on how everyone is doing. You have a big burden to contend with just now. Prayers are with you to make the right decision for all concerned.

[SoulWhisper]

BabsCanada,

No feeling or mention of you as this boys Aunt? You seem removed as if he is not related to you.

I am apprehensive where the adoptive parents are concerned, it could be more detrimental and damaging to this boy to involve them if they are going to allow their egos and feelings to come before his. This, I have found is usually the case in closed and some open adoptions. You cannot know what this boy's life has been and I think your first gut reaction was correct in allowing him the visit to see and explore before sounding the bells.

On the other hand, your sister, his mother needs to know now! It is her son, her issue and their rights which need first priority.

What drives a boy of 14 to seek his roots? Not being allowed to follow his instinctive need, living in a stifeling environment, feeling broken, possible abuse as someone stated, and any number of things that need and call for him to make this connection.

I know of no birthmothers who haven't grieved from the day they relinquished their children, and I know of none who could or would turn away from their child at that age, or any age. The liklihood of your sister rejecting her son is slim and it certainly isn't a subject a 14 yr old boy is emotionally prepared to handle!

This is major in this boys life and a crucial point, I would suggest having a therapist on hand or a church pastor who is trained in counseling at this meeting. This boy will need ongoing support and some looking into before going to his parents. You people may be what he needs most and if you blow his trust, you could be sentencing him to a hell you know nothing of.

Sometimes propriety has to take a back seat, this kid is reaching out, don't lose him.


Love

[Sharon]

I am confused by two seemingly contradictory statements that I hear running through almost all of the posts.

1. We all believe that open adoption is best, and that openness and honesty are the healthiest for adoptees and for everyone else involved.

2. (However) It's really up to the aparents to decide whether or not their son is allowed to seek his biological heritage.

I feel conflicted about these two things myself. In a way, I think it would be MORE destructive to the child, who obviously has a strong need to know about his bfamily, to hold him back (or inform his aparents and allow THEM to hold him back). Obviously he IS old enough to search at fourteen... he found you, didn't he? Is he old enough to handle the emotions associated with reunion?
Well, I think maybe we're looking at it the wrong way. Maybe he's still YOUNG enough to avoid many of the negative emotions associated with reunion. Many of those negative emotions stem from secrets kept over a lifetime, from unanswered questions that remain bottled up for thirty, forty, or more years. This child is coming to you in innocent curiosity. He is not old enough to have built up the emotional baggage, the resentments and hurts that some adult adoptees feel. This boy is, in effect, seeking to open his own adoption. And didn't we all just agree that open adoption is the best thing for the children?
That's one side of what I feel. The other side is that he is still a minor, and his parents should still have control over his actions. Your sister (the bmom) should be allowed her right to privacy, if she wants it.
I just think it's sad that this child's instincts are leading him to do what almost everybody agrees is the best and healthiest thing, what studies have proven is the healthiest thing... and yet he may be prevented from it by the adults in the situation. If so, I'm sorry to say that I believe they are putting their own interests ahead of the best interests of this child, and that's really a shame.
I believe that the risks inherent in PREVENTING him from contacting his biofamily, when he's obviously taken it upon his own initiative to do so, outweighs the risk of any "emotional damage" reunion might inflict upon him. Try to think about it from his 14-year-old perspective: he finds his biofamily, not without considerable effort, I'm sure. The first thing his biofamily does, upon being contacted, is call his adoptive family and clue them in on what he's been up to. #1, He might get in trouble with his adoptive parents.. if they were okay with this, why would he have to sneak around to do it? Then he'll be resentful toward his adoptive parents AND his birthparents (for telling). #2 He might perceive his biofamily calling his aparents as, "Hey, this pesky kid of yours is harassing us. Can you please make him leave us alone?" Honestly, I can't imagine a more devastating rejection for a child. Possible all the adults in this situation, as well as the child, would benefit from some sort of counseling, either together or separately. If I were a fourteen-year-old adoptee who was compelled to search for and contact my biofamily, I would be furious not to be allowed to. Why are SOME adoptees allowed open adoptions, while others aren't? Well, of course that's all decided before the child is even born. It has less to do with the best interest of the child than it does with the convenience of the adults. But try explaining the fairness and justice of that to a 14-year-old. He's giving you all a message loud and clear... he's had enough of secrecy and silence. Whether or not this threatens his adoptive parents' security, whether or not it violates his birthmother's "privacy", I think the time for "closed adoption" in this case is done. The cat's out of the bag, so to speak. The child knows who his biofamily is now. He has made the first move by contacting them. I doubt that simply explaining to him that his adoption is supposed to be a closed adoption, and therefore he's violating the rules, will be sufficient. By making this move, he has left his birthfamily only two options: rejection or acceptance. And his adoptive family also has only two options: acceptance or denial.
It's what he wants. He searched for and contacted THEM. How can any of us tell him it's "not in his best interest"?
Sorry this post is so long and maybe incoherent... It's not directed at anyone in particular. I just have strong feelings on this matter. How can we (all members of the triad) say, on one hand, "Honesty is best... secrecy is damaging and hurtful to the psychological and emotional well-being of adoptees.".... and on the other hand, "Oh, he's not old enough yet!"
I don't think he would agree. I think he believes he IS old enough, and that's why he searched in the first place.
JMO... sorry if my rambling offends anyone.
Sharon

[SoulWhisper]

Sharon,
I agree with your perspective. The problem I think we are all having is NOT knowing what drives this boy, but regardless, you are right, he most certainly deserves to be embraced by all of his family and given due respect.

His seemingly tender age I think gives us a jolt, but it is also believed that incorporating bio families at this time can solve a plethora of problems for adolescents when figuring out who they are is such a struggle for so many.

This subject cannot be without contradiction because there are so many possibles to weigh and we are in effect balancing our own thoughts and feelings and seeing those possibles.

Above and beyond all else, honoring the biological connection, honoring the innocent and voiceless, should be top priority.

The thing that would infuriate me as the birthmom, is finding out after the fact and not being told immediately. But the rights of all other family members should also be heard if they desire to embrace this boy (which they should). If birthmom is cold, this boy deserves to know the ones who care.

As a birthmom, I would view this as an opportunity to make right a horrible wrong, a second chance of a lifetime. Funny how the adults in these situations are always the ones with all the complexities and problems to get beyond...


Love

ok here goes.

As the mother of 5 and 4 of them boys..one is 21, another 17, my daughter is 13 and twin boys that are 11. I feel I can say 14 is NOT old enough to do this without parental support. This boy is barely out of childhood...has to have a signed permission slip to go on a field trip.

Yes, at 14 he is looking for his idenitiy but what I got out of the original postors post is that they are not looking out for the child, they are looking "to see what he wants", questioning wether they should protect her sister first...she hasn't dealt with her feelings ....she might hurt him!!

Their is nothing to indicate that is parents abused him or any thing else and if his parents feel he is not in a place to do this it is not for us to judge them. It doesn't mean they are insecure or anything else....they are exerting parental rights.

Yes his parents should be told....yes his bmom should be told...this boy needs support all around and hopefully he will get it from the adults and they are ALL able to put aside their own feelings and help him.

This is a situation that just might make or break this kid....if his parents were good enough this far...they should be good enough to be told about this momumental event in his life. nobodays knows the situation from his point of view and if he were a bio child nobody would be questioning the parental influence. Why should they be now!

As a parent, if any other adult kept important info from me about my child"because i may not be good enough to know"...I would be furious!!!
Would you let a 14 year old have contact with strangers on the web..no....do you automatically assume his parents would abuse him,,,so don't telll..no...so why now!

These are his PARENTS .....Donna

[AMJ12]

On a different note, how old is your child? My daughter is in an open adoption and would like to find another child involved in an open adoption in order to share stories on what it's like to meet your birthmom but not see her often, etc. My daughter is 9. Please let me know if you'd be interested in getting our children talking.

[sspete]

Sharon---I totally agree with your feeling on this in if the child wants to search and find then he should be allowed to do so!!!! It does worry me a bit though for him to be doing this without the knowledge of his parents. Even though the people he searched out are his bfamily they are still strangers to him. I do not believe a 14 year old child should be taking on something so emotionally strong as reunion all alone.

A possible solution is that the grandparents could ask him about being honest with his aparents and see what his reasoning for doing so or not doing so is. If abuse is present then this can be dealt with by the proper authorities. If it is just a case of a young boy wanting to know where he came from then everyone can rest easy!!! Hopefully, if the aparents really DO love their child they will see to it that the necessary reunion WILL take place!!!!

I REALLY tried hard to put myself in the position of the grandfather, and what I would have done if my bdaughter had called me at 14!!!! WOW that is a tough one!!! I do believe that I would ask her to share with me her reasons for not wanting her afamily to have known, and then we could work from there!!!

S Pete

[echaos]

SoulWhisper,

I don't usually respond when I don't agree to someone's post as I truly believe that everyone is entitled to their opinion, but many of your comments bothered me and I wanted to share my insight with you. I am approaching this as both an adoptee, who started looking for my birthfamily around the time I was 14, and as an adoptive mother.

I am apprehensive where the adoptive parents are concerned, it could be more detrimental and damaging to this boy to involve them if they are going to allow their egos and feelings to come before his. This, I have found is usually the case in closed and some open adoptions.

All parents have egos and feelings to deal with in any situation, but my experience with parents is that they generally put the child's needs before their own.

On the other hand, your sister, his mother needs to know now! It is her son, her issue and their rights which need first priority.

The sister in this case is indeed the child's mother, as she bore him and gave birth to him, but his parents are now the people who adopted him and have as much needs and rights to know what is going on. Neither the the birth mother or the adoptive parents should have priority over each other.

What drives a boy of 14 to seek his roots? Not being allowed to follow his instinctive need, living in a stifeling environment, feeling broken, possible abuse as someone stated, and any number of things that need and call for him to make this connection.

I was once a 14 year old seeking my roots and none of the reasons you have listed applied. You only mention the negatives that may be factors. What about the positives? Where did I get my stunning good looks? My fabulous singing voice?

I know of no birthmothers who haven't grieved from the day they relinquished their children, and I know of none who could or would turn away from their child at that age, or any age. The liklihood of your sister rejecting her son is slim and it certainly isn't a subject a 14 yr old boy is emotionally prepared to handle!

If you read through many of the posts on this site you will soon realize that there is a lot of birth mothers who have relinquished their children and never grieved a single day. And there are just as many who have turned away from their birth children at any age. The likelyhood of rejection is not as slim as you might think.