[Sharon]

Patrisha, I agree with you (about not making contact on the sly).
That is why, despite the fact that I had an open adoption that closed, I chose to contact my son's aparents (I had important medical history they needed to be made aware of) rather than my son himself. It is also why I respected their wishes that I not contact the family again.
However, I think it is quite a bit different when the adoptee is the one doing the contacting. If my son, who is thirteen at this point, had sought me out and contacted me, I'm not sure what I would've done. I would've probably encouraged him to tell his aparents, but I don't think I would've gone over his head and told them myself. I don't think I could do that.
~ Sharon

[patrisha]

Sharon,

After already making an honest effort to develop a rapport with his aparents I can appreciate your position. It certainly makes it rough to stick to your principles when you get burnt for your effort.

I sincerely hope he contacts you soon and have no doubt you will handle it appropriately when he does. The fact that you showed his parents greater respect than they did you will not escape his notice either.

Trish

[Jensboys]

EXACTLY! Its all about respect and the one who takes the higher road, I believe, will in the end come out ahead.

Sharon, my heart does break for you in your situation. Please know that!

[dl]

I'm curious and have a question for those that feel it's okay for a 14 year old to be communicating with bparents/family on their own. If you have children that you are raising, or raised that are now adults; Would you condone other adults, complete strangers (and yes, while biologically connected they are strangers totally unknown to you the parents) helping your child go behind your back about anything?

I'm glad to see that in the personal situation that is the topic of the thread, the afather was brought into the discussion.

[BrandyHagz]

My a-mom was present during my reunion at age 10....


Even then, I still dont think I was ready for the interaction/rejection that I had with my maternal birth family. My story is unique tho...I'm not sure I would have been ready for that interaction NOW.

This is just my personal thing tho...I am still dealing with the rejection twenty years later...but as I said above...my story is unique in many ways.

[SoulWhisper]

Babs, I am so happy to hear the meeting went well and the boys parents are supportive and open, how refreshing that is! I hope you all will grow and enjoy much happiness as a family.


Debi,
Thanks for joining the "debate", I can see your passion and angle from your station shining through. But thats what makes things interesting. Each of us brings our own unique views based on our personal experience and knowledge. This is hopefully how we open ourselves to new and different views, instead of thinking inside our own boxes.

I think everyone who participated had something pertinent to say to give Babs enough food for thought, that was the purpose wasn't it?

Just for the record, I am also an adoptee and a birthmother, I also have a lot of experience with adoptees as I am quite active, have many connections to the triad and adoption arena. My opinions are not unfounded nor made in ignorance.



I respect your right to your opinion...and I think we all learned something...


Peace

[BabsCanada]

This isn't the first time I've scrolled thru these boards with tears in my eyes, but now as I read responses to 'my' situation, it's even more emotional.

Part of the detail I didn't give before is that there is stepfamily involved here, which is why I may appear 'less' involved. But as an adoptive mom, my heart goes out to this boy, who while I'm sure has had a good life, I know his a-dad and I know he is being raised well! is the product of a basically 'closed' adoption. My daughter, husband, and I, on the other hand, are in a very much open adoption. I always knew this was the best way! Even from the first day, when family and friends raised eyebrows, I KNEW.

So my daughter has half-siblings who know her, and she knows them. This boy knows he has half-siblings, but has never had contact with them. He was most interested in contacting his half-brother, and phoned my stepdad later on to say, he wants to meet his cousins too; then told a story about having approached one of his cousins (whom he knew by sight - not sure how exactly) and introduced himself by saying 'I'm your cousin' and she responded "no you're not" and walked away. I wonder if this hurt made him seek out the grandpa. I am so glad that my stepdad did not reject him. I will take credit for having opened his eyes to how adoption doesn't have to be a dirty secret.

Further discussion between myself and the 'grandparents' this week, which I intend to make sure happens, is that another stepsister contact the birthmom and say basically, "X has contacted Dad, thought you should know, what do you think, how do you feel about the door being opened". That kind of talk, so that if she DOESN'T want contact, she can say No. But maybe she really does.

I recall that this boy and his half-bro are dead ringers! I am so looking forward to meeting him, and hope that as an adoptive mom, I can help him feel more at ease, being welcomed and not stigmatized. But I also believe that his birthmom, my stepsister, has a right to some privacy if she chooses. I have no qualms introducing him to my daughter, his cousin; I think some of the other family will be open to that as well.

Once again, THANK YOU all for your comments.

Babs

[InOrbit]

I am a 14 year adoptee who searched at 13 and found my bdad's family. I was not abused or otherwise traumatized and my life was going fairly well. I was able to "express" myself, ask questions about background, etc. I just wanted to know why I looked the way I did whether parts of my personality came from him and his family. Heck, I even wanted to know if I had any bsiblings, cousins etc.

I had a name and hometown and a few clicks later on the net found 3 people who could possibly be my relatives. I found his parents first and have since gotten to know them and this summer even spent a week at their house. It turned out that I lived a block away from my bgreatgrandmother and about a mile away from my baunt. I see my aunt every month or two and it has helped me understand who I am a bit better.

I did not call them until I had my parents consent. I found some answers to my questions. My bdad wasn't ready to contact me for about a year after I found his parents. He had just gotten married and I understood somewhat that then wasn't a good time.

About a year ago I met bdad when he was in town (he lives at the other end of the continent.) Since I have gotten to know him and his wife through email. When he was in town again this summer we got together and hung out for a while. I do not call anyone by anything other than their first name because I already have parents who raised me. I just wanted to know where I came from.

That's my story. I just thought it might help to show a teen adoptees point of view.

A.

[BabsCanada]

I am reviving this thread - Merry Christmas everyone! - to say that our 'family' issue has reared its head this season and it's not going well ...
We had a family gathering tonight and my stepsister said, I need to talk to you, I know about ***'. It turns out that within the past week, one of her siblings told her that the boy she'd given up had been in contact with her dad, and she told me that she was MAD. Mad that he didn't tell her FIRST, mad that he hadn't called her immediately, mad that all of us (me, her sisters) knew before she did. I agreed with her!!! but tried to impress upon her that her dad absolutely didn't know how to approach her with this, neither did her sisters, neither did her mother, neither did I. We're all to blame, I told her; be mad at ALL of us, but we just didn't know how to handle it.
She said, How do you think I could've married my husband without telling him about this? I said, We didn't know. I'm glad you told him, I'm glad he accepted it, but we just didn't know.
She told me her husband has held her while she's cried, every birthday, every mother's day, every Christmas, for this child that she feels guilty about giving up.
(I cried too).
She says she has SO much anger, mostly directed at her dad, my stepdad. I tried to tell her how we struggled with this. She won't see this 'other side'. I know that the best solution would've been for my stepdad to call her right away. It just didn't happen. It's too late to change that now. I just wish she could see that NO ONE, not her father, not her mother, not her siblings, were able to tell her that the boy had found his grandfather. We just didn't know.
Additionally, this Christmas is tough for ALL my stepsisters, and stepbrother, as their mother died suddenly this summer. I feel for them, deeply. I think my stepsister is dealing with an overwhelming variety of emotions this Christmas = and this is like a straw that will break the camel's back.
So I hugged her a lot and told her that NO ONE intended to hurt her, that we were all trying to look out for her, that none of us knew how to give her this info. Keep in mind that this relinquishment was NEVER discussed. She's still so, so angry. And she does have a right to be angry; I can make excuses, but she's right, she should've been told RIGHT AWAY.
We talked about this, back and forth, and then I asked her if she wanted to meet the boy, and she said NO. And then said that her older boy has no idea that he has a brother. And that she isn't ready to tell him.
Holy!!!!!
What a mess this all is. My heart breaks for my stepsister, who is a good soul, but obviously has a lot of unresolved feelings about her decision some 15 years ago, and is dealing a lot of blame that I think is unfair. I love my stepdad, and know that he would never, ever hurt her. She talked about a 'wall' that she built up between the two of them, and when I suggested that that wall was the reason he hesitated to contact her immediately, she blames him for the 'wall'. I am torn between defending my stepdad and and acknowledging that the whole situation should have been handled properly.
It is a sad Christmas for my stepsister, I'm afraid, dealing with the loss of her mother and the fact that her bio=son is ready and she's not.
In our conversation tonight, I told her that I belonged to a website forum and that I had asked for advice on this situation! and that all replied had been to the effect that she SHOULD be told. I regret that we weren't able to. I told her that too! That I wished I'd called her, but it wasn't my place, and honestly, we just didnt' know. There was a possibility that she had closed that chapter of her life; she certainly didn't talk to ANY of us about it, so how were we to know.
Anyway, the door is open now; there will probably be much more discussion and hopefully at some point she will be able to tell her oldest son, and he will meet his brother.
Interesting to note: when this boy was 5 and about to start school, the 'adoptive' parents contacted my parents in order to contact my stepsister, as they only had legal guardianship at that point, and needed to have parental status to register him for school - my stepdad did contact my stepsister then, and left it in her hands - she told me tonight that she NEVER signed anything, and that the 'adoptive parents' still have only legal guardianshiip; she said she would never have 'taken him back' and asked me how I'd feel if my dd's birthmom took her back = I had to tell her politely! that we had a legal adoption and that it was therefore never a concern = but I wonder now about this boy's status;
As much as she wishes that she'd been notified IMMEDIATELY when there was contact made, I wish that she'd have followed the proper channels and given her child true parents ...
Sorry, I am a little upset about all this, and I know I carry some blame, and I know that some will FLAME me, but I'll sign off with kudos to all who put the child's best interests FIRST and with gratitude for our open adoption, which will avoid all this trauma.
Babs

[tjqarnold]

I'm stricken by how very young this child is. I would be very uncomfortable entering into a reunion with my found child at an age where he is very vunerable and may not understand exactly the "hows and why's" of the situation. I am reminded of a bmom I know who's 16year old daughter somehow found out her identity. It was not an open adoption. The emotional fall-out was devastating for everyone involved. When her aparents would say no to something, she would manipulate her bmom into agreeing, the child wound up moving in and out of the aparents/bmom's house several times, and the young lady wound up in a residental treatment center due to her loss of "self". She became so conflicted with the intense emotions and tried to commit suicide. I'm not saying this will happen here, however at the tender age of 14, I just can't see a reunion as a good thing at this point. Boys in particular aren't very good at verbalizing their feelings. Am I the only one who is uncomfortable with the thought of a reunion at this age? My found daughter is 22 and we both go through intense emotional periods of time and our relationship is blessed with love and honesty. We were just discussing the other day how that although we missed time with each other, her choice not to look until 21 was the best thing she could've done because of how intensely it impacted her and it could've derailed her college education.
Tracy