[KellyB]

Would it be safe to assume that, after 39 years, if a birth mom has made no attempt at locating a child placed for adoption, that she is probably not interested in any type of contact/reunion? Would contact at this point in time be considered an intrusion into her life? Any feedback from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

[SKiefer]

Not neccesarily true.
I'm 31 and just found my birth-mother. She and I sent in our request to the state that the same time - May of this year.

From what I've read here - a lot of b-moms were told to never look for their child.

Don't think that because you can't find something showing you she's looking - she isn't - Have you contacted the agency or state you were adopted in to see if they have any information?

Good luck with your search!

[dkb60]

Many birthmothers, myself included, would never have looked for our released children. I always felt it was not my place since I had signed away my rights. I was always open for contact but felt my daughter needed to look when or if she was ready or interested in doing it.

If you want to search then JUST DO IT!

D.

[KellyB]

SK-

Thanks for your reply. Yes I am in the process of finalizing the service agreement with CI in Maryland as we "speak". I'm having a tough time writing that initial intro letter to birthmom. Don't know how much detail to go into especially if she's not the least bit interested in knowing about me.

Guess only time will tell.

Thanks again.

[NikkiLGA]

I am with SK, most b-mom's from that era were basically told to "forget." From what I have learned though - they never forget. You know, I know with my b-mom it was really hard for her. She was sent away across town when she was 6 1/2 mos. pregnant with me, to live with her aunt. She had me, and five days later returned home with her parents and siblings, and had to pretend she had just been away, that nothing happened, even though she had gained a lot of weight. Imagine going to the hospital, having a baby, and coming home with empty arms. These b-mom's grieve for us, like someone does with a death. It truly is like a death in their hearts. Give your b-mom the benefit of the doubt, just b/c she hasn't contacted you, doesn't mean she hasn't tried to contact you and run into false leads, etc.

Hang in there. I am sure she thought of you often, and still holds you in her heart. I pray you find her and have a happy reunion. Let me add that I am reunited with members of my b-mom, Liz's family. Unfortunately Liz passed away from injuries received in a car accident in 1977. She was just 20 years old. So, for me, it was like finding her and losing her in the same day. If you would like to, you can read my story in the adoption.com emagazine issue dated June 17, 2003 entitled "He Did This for Us." Here's the link:

He Did This for Us - new article by Nikki Lever
Once I got married, I wrote the DEFACS in Atlanta, Georgia, and got a copy of my non-identifying medical records. It gave me enough information to know that my birth mom was 16 when I was born, her mom owned a daycare, her dad was a carpenter, she had 2 sisters and one brother. It told me that her eyes were brown, her hair was brown, she stood 5'7. Much like myself. At that time, my husband said to me "Nikki, we can find these people." From reviewing the non-identifying information, I learned my conception wasn't a consented one, so I figured it was a bad situation, and I also figured my birth mom had moved on, etc http://www.adoptionweek.com/article.php?articleid=283


With love & prayers - NikkiLGA

[Sharon]

No, do not assume that your bmom is not searching/ does not want contact!
1. Many birthmothers feel (some are even told by adoption professionals) that it is inappropriate to contact the children they placed. The common wisdom until very recently was that birthmothers should wait for their children to contact them when they were ready. Your birthmother may fear that contacting you would be an unwelcome intrusion into your own life. She may already feel guilty for placing you, and be reluctant to do more damage.
2. Many people search for YEARS, or even a lifetime, without ever finding the ones they are searching for.

I can't promise you your birthmother will be pleased to hear from you. I wish I could. But I think you should give it a try. There are many possible reasons she has not contacted you. You'll never know until you ask her.
Best wishes, Sharon

[KellyB]

Thanks to all for such quick replies!!!! I am certain that I will proceed with the search if for no other reason than to try to obtain medical info. If she is willing to take this "search" to the next level, I will be more than agreeable to that. My only uncertainty with the whole process (I'm using a CI) is whether or not I'm able to get birthmom info from CI without them contacting her first. Seems I can't get in touch with my CI on a regular basis (maybe once a week if i'm lucky!!!)

Thanks again to all and Best Wishes!!

KB

[shirleyville]

I am a 38 year old adoptee that used a CI this year to locate my birthmom. I had registered with the state's mutual consent registry upon its inception in 1994, and have had my information on the internet, at every available registry, since the internet came about.
I felt, at the time that I hired the CI, that my birthmom's age and "comfort level" with computers, the internet, etc. was more than likely the reason she had never posted or registered anywhere.
I was wrong.
The reason she hadn't attempted any kind of search was because she didn't want to be found. Her pregnancy, birth and subsequent relinquishment was and still is "her secret". Her fear of having to face her family with my existance, as well as having no desire to add turmoil to her life are two of the reasons she has chosen to deny contact with me.
While it is sad, I understand her reasoning and her fears.
Do I wish I hadn't searched? NO WAY!
I am thrilled just to know she is okay....and I have peace at knowing I reached out.
You will never know unless you try!
Hugs,
Sally

[KellyB]

Sally,

It sounds as though you're ok with the way your search turned out. I think I would be also as long as I could get just a scrap of info from her.

Since you know that your birthmom has kept you a secret, I assume that you did, in fact, have some sort of contact with her, although brief??? Was she willing to provide you with ANY medical/heritage info? Was all contact made thru your CI?

Best Wishes
KB

[shirleyville]

No, actually, I had no contact with her.
My CI contacted her on January 14th of this year, and she immedaitely denied being the woman my CI was looking for. She denied it so emphatically, that my CI began to question if she really DID have the right person. My birthmom's phone is unlisted, and my CI had gotten the number from my aunt's husband, so she called him back, just to see if maybe she had the wrong person by accident -- but he confirmed. Puzzled and frustrated, my CI left her number with my uncle, and hung up.
The next morning, my aunt (birthmom's sister) called my CI and said that her sister knew, instantaneously, what the call was about, and that she had, in fact, lived in dread of receiving this call for 38 years. She panicked, and that was why she denied being who she was.
She asked my aunt to contact the CI and make arrangements to have my files sent back to the state and sealed permanently, which my aunt did. They were sealed within 48 hours of the initial call.
My aunt had asked if SHE could have contact with me, but because the state mandates that the birthmother controls all decisions with regard to contact, my aunt was denied any information. We were "allowed" to exchange a little non-id info....I was allowed to write a brief, three paragraph, non-identifying "thank you note" for her helping facilitate things between my CI and my birthmom, and she, in turn, sent me some very vague health information. "Some cancer, Some heart disease, Some diabetes, etc....."
I wasn't satisfied, and I went on to search myself. Utilizing Ancestry.com and some other genealogical websites, I located a surname message board for my birthmom's maiden name. I knew from my state provided non-id info that my grandfather was born in 1909, and my aunt had indicated that he passed away at the age of 59, so I came up with his year of death, and I just started digging around amongst all the people who were looking for information on their genealogy.....and out of sheer luck (or Divine Guidance), I found someone who was looking for her great grandfather, who had died while living in a town that was near to me. I took a chance, and e-mailed her, but her e-mail was old, and the message was returned as "undeliverable". Another woman had replied to the post in 2001, and I took yet another stab at it, by mailing HER. I had a response in less than 10 minutes! Not only did this woman know who my grandfather was, she was his cousin!!
She sent me to the public library to search out his obituary, and when I found it I was SHOCKED to discover that he was buried (along with his wife and eight brothers and sisters) less than TWO MINUTES from my back door!!!! Another SHOCKER was that my aunt, with whom I had corresponded, was someone I actually KNEW!!! Her daughter and I went to school together and had played on sports teams together. We even had carpooled, and she wallpapered my parents house a few years back!
I was BLOWN AWAY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I contacted her via letter.......and she was thrilled to hear from me, and shocked to know who I was -- BUT, because her sister had specifically asked her to not have contact with me, she felt she would be betraying her if she did. Instead of answering me directly, she contacted her daughter (my friend from school) and clued her in to the whole "big family secret", and asked HER to contact me!! My poor cousin! She was BLOWN AWAY!!! But she got ahold of me the very day my aunt received the letter from me, and she and I have had contact ever since.
She has shared some family pictures with me, and has filled me in on some of the family dynamics, which aren't all the best.
My birthmom is married to a guy who has an alcohol problem, and has been abusive. She had three kids -- my sister, who is 37, and has a different father than me, and my brothers....and two brothers, ages 33 and 31, who are her husband's kids. They all (including my birthmom) live within ten minutes of me and have, all my life.
Her kids have no idea I exist and she has no intention of telling them. She has NO IDEA that I am who I am, or that I live in the area, and no one will tell her.
They are a "protective bunch" and apparnetly, my birthmom isn't very stable, emotionally.
I've been by her place a few times....once on the 4th of July when I saw my ENTIRE family out in the yard celebrating.
I intend to let her know who I am and where I am at some point, but not until I feel that it is right. I feel I owe it not only to myself, but to her to let her know this information. If we were states apart and there were hundreds of miles between us, I might not feel that way, but we are both here, and it is amazingly hard for me.
I will caution you that "a scrap of information" leads to an intense desire for MORE. The more you find out, the more you want.....just like eating potato chips! I thought that I would be satisfied with knowing who and where she was, and no one could have convinced me otherwise -- until I found out. Once I had a name and a place, I wanted SO MUCH MORE!!
Keep me posted, and I will be more than happy to share with you anytime!
Hugs,
Sally

[CherryV]

My nMum said she would never have tried to find me. She didn't want to intrude in my life. On first contact she was delighted to hear from me.

My first email just asked her if my birth date meant anything to her. She took it from there.

[KellyB]

Sally-

Right now, all I can think is OMG!!!! Don't take this the wrong way, but your story sounds like something right off the Lifetime Channel!!!! LOL That is just so bizarre that you guys are living so close to each other. I can't even imagine how you've managed to not stop at her house!!!

Let me ask you another question......what kind of relationship do you have with your adoptive parents????

Kelly

[CaGrandma]

Back in the dark ages of adoption, birth moms were told they would never again see their children, to get on with lives and forget it ever happened. They were cautioned never to speak of their child again. They were even told in some cases, that having another child would be a replacement for the one they were not worthy of raising. In places where the records for adoptees have been open for years, it is only in recent years that birth relatives have been allowed any information. With the spotlight now firmly on adoption and the horror it was in those days, many mothers who had never forgotten their babies, but had lived as they were cautioned to, now after so many years cannot confront th
eir pain. I think all wish to know that their babies lived and had good lives. But with decades of living as an " imposter"it is for some, too painful to open that memory bank. Just as each adoptee and adoptive parent is different so are moms. Some can effect a closure,just from hearing their child is alive, others need that contact, but fear being rejected.

I do not think they were told they must not look,. reunion was never a possibilty to be dreamed of in those days,. Agencies ignored letters that were sent to them by the mothers or sent them "canned" answers.
".
Until you look for yourself you will not know the outcome, and yours might be one of the happy reunions, of which there are many,.
Ca Grandma

[shirleyville]

Oh, it certainly DOES come right out of a Lifetime Movie -- and one of these days, I will write a book, for sure!
My A-Parents are lovely people -- very well-intentioned, conservative, upper middle-class folks who have given me a wonderful life. Are we "close"? NO. We are VERY different people. They are very conservative, very "in the box" kinds of people, who never communicate about thoughts and feelings -- especially if there is anything uncomfortable or unpleasant associated with it.
My parents told me I was adopted when I was little, but rarely spoke of it after the initial "telling". I asked some questions along the way, but was either shut completly out, or told that they knew NOTHING.
Last summer, my father apparently came over here to my house -- they live just a few minutes away -- when I was out, and told my husband that he wanted to tell him my "real mother's" name so that when he and mom pass away, someone would have it, in case I need medical attention. His caveat, however, was that if he gave the name to my husband, my husband had to swear never to tell me. My poor husband!! He is a man of his word, and when he makes a promise, he keeps it, no matter what! He knew that if he got the name, he would never be able to tell me.....but at the same time, if he refused to give his word, the name might NEVER come to light, and would be lost to me forever. SO, he swore, and my dad forked over the name. I can't begin to tell you what a problem this caused. My husband was tormented by it and even grew to resent my presence, because each time he saw me, it was a reminder that he was keeping something of this magnitude from me. Eventually, when it became apparent that my CI had reached a dead end, he told me......but it came out in an ugly arguement and it will forever be a painful thing for us both. I am having a hard time getting past this with my dad.....he did an awful thing, in my estimation. He brought HIS "secrets" into MY marriage, and I think that is SO WRONG.
It shouldn't BE a secret....it's MY mother......but my folks are from the era where they were told that speaking about the adoption would be dangerous to the mental health of the child, so they kept it all quiet.
They have no desire to know anything and they won't. They don't know I searched or what I subsequently found out. They would FREAK if they knew a member of my birthfamily had wallpapered their house!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I love my folks, but like I said, we are just "different people".
Hugs,
Sally

[AntKnee]

I recently made contact with my birthmom (I am 32) and if I hadn't, we most probably never would have met. She told me that she always knew it could happen, just not that it would. I told her that I registered with all these places and she had no idea about any of them. In short, she was very happy to hear from me, but for whatever reason (not knowing how, not thinking she could, thinking that she would have to wait for me, etc.), she wouldn't have been the one to make first contact.

You can never judge how a person feels until you hear it directly from them. I felt a little saddened when I would sign up places and see that no one was looking for me, but I just didn't know the facts.