[deliagirl22]

Unlike many of you out there, I have always known who my birth father is. My problem was that I didn't know where he was, until recently. Now I have to decide if I should contact him or not.

I am in my early 20's and have not had any contact with my birth father in 10 years. From the ages of 6-11 I had no contact with him. No calls, no cards, no letters, no visits. Then out of the blue one day he sent a card and a letter saying that as my father, he would like to establish a relationship with me. In the state where he and my mother were divorced, and the state I was living in when he sent the letter, 1 year of no contact from a parent equals loss of all parental rights. I had been adopted by my mother's husband. Being 11 years old, the only thing I knew was that if he didn't want to have anything to do with my for those 5 years, then I didn't want to have anything to do with him either...besides, I had a new daddy. I told my mom that I didn't want any contact with him, and she typed up a letter telling him exactly that. The choice was mine, and my mom has been very helpful in my search.

I now have his most recent address, and would like to contact him, but I don't know what I would say. "I know I rejected you 10 years ago, but I've changed my mind" just doesn't seem to work for me. And what if he doesn't want to have anything to do with me now?

If anyone has any suggestions, I would love to hear them. Thank you!

[BrandyHagz]

I dont know that I would say anything about the rejection....I think maybe say something like, "I'd like to put the past behind us and see if we can build a relationship together, if that sounds like something you'd like to do, please write me or call me"

But, as in any other case, you need to be prepared for the worst...but I think he will consider the fact that you were 11, and not really in a positon to make life altering long term decisions...and welcome you into his life.

[Talia]

I would guess that since you were only eleven when you told you father that you didn't want any contact - he will understand and you will be able to establish contact. Children do and say many things - but they grow up and have minds and hearts of their own... he'll understand !

I would suggest a nice card - expressing your feelings to establish contact with him... I would also send a recent photo of yourself.... a photo brings reality to the present situation...

Good Luck -
Talia's Mom

[cledwards77]

Delia girl 22,

I myself went through this when I was in my early twenties. My biological father had custody of myself and my little brother until I was 4. He decided to leave the state thus terminating custody of us. I went to live with my mom and her new husband. That made not having my dad o.k.

My bio father would send cards every few years or so, he would send his new wife, who's family lived here to visit us, but never himself. He has actually been in the same town and not seen us when he has traveled here.

After I had my daughter, I was about 22, I decided that he needed to know where my thoughts were and to let him know that now that I was a grown- up I was ready to have a relationship on my terms.

I stated just that, that I was ready to have a grown up relationship, that I would love to start over, I also let him know that I wondered about him and that I remembered things from my child hood that included him. I made it very clear that I wasn't going to let myself be stomped on again, and that I was a valuable person, and that he missed out on a lot of me growing up.

So, anyway, about 4 days after sending it, I got a phone call, my father was so excited to get my letter and said that he was sorry for not doing enough and that we should indeed start a relationship.

I think we talked for a few months and then nothing. At least this time, it's because I choose not to do anything more, not because he's calling the shots. I know that he is open and that he loves me, but he also knows that I have a family here, and that they come first.

I hope this helps you, if you'd like to talk more, e-mail me cledwards77@aol.com

Best of luck, be yourself,

Cris

[nicolebrooks]

Much like your situation, I assumed for 11yrs (9-20) that my BF wanted nothing to do with me because he didn't care, and, since I had new daddy there was really no point in me contacting. My junior year in college I spontaneously sent a Christmas card that said something like "you're in my thoughts". Granted he mailed me pics and a short note immediately, it took me 8 years to respond. I can'nt really explain it, but understanding my place in his heart made no logical sense to me given he NEVER made any attempt to contact me prior. I didn't feel loved by him but once I saw him I knew he had and does.

I understand how thoughts race in your head in seemingly endless circles. You probably want to say exactly what needs to be said to make everything great and ensure a positive outcome. Believe me, neither one of you will remember a thing that you said to each other over the first phone call. I think I said something like "hi" "what do you do now", we met a couple months ago.

I wish I would have gotten through this time when I was 20, but I guess I wasn't supposed to.

PM me if you want to talk more
Nicole

[BobbyTC]

Delia,
I am sure he would love to have any contact with you. There's no need to bring up the rejection. Send an e-mail that says you were thinking of him. He'll respond. It'll take off like a rocket ship from there. I'm sure the situation doesn't sit right with him but he probably feels that there is nothing he can do about it. Just tell him that you feel it is important to open up the lines of communication. That's what my birthdaughter said in an e-mail to me 6 months ago. We now are in a wonderful reunion and talk regularly and meet for dinner weekly.

Good Luck
Bobby

[Seeking_Answers]

I have also recently got ino contact with my bio - father. I have sent you a Private Message.

[deliagirl22]

Thank you all for your suggestions! You have been so kind and helpful!

[sararuth]

I am wondering how I might go about contacting the birth relatives. My birth father died before I was born. I was adopted as an infant and have been told he was dead. Recently, I have been researching information about his death and have located what I believe to be my birth father's remaining family.

I want to make contact with them but am unaware how to go about it, since, unlike a birth mother, the father may not have even been aware of the pregnancy. Hence, the family is likely to have no idea that their dead relative may have fathered a child. I am sensitive to this situation, but still want to let them know that I am out here and am fine and want to meet them.