[alysonc27]

I recently got the address of my bmom, who I've been looking for for 4 years. I want to write her and tell her that I would love to be in contact, but how to I do it tactfully and without a great deal of shock? She doesn't know that I have her address, and I'm very nervous about talking to her. Please, if you can help me with this I will be so grateful... I really want to get to know and love her and tell her all that's happened.

[BrandyHagz]

Aly,

I never had to write the letter you are having to write, so maybe I am not the best person to post a response, but I do want to throw my hat into the ring, so here goes.

I think, initial contact should really just state the facts, to assure that who you are writting to is infact the correct person. It should also include a small paragraph about yourself, and your feelings. Also, try to include at least on photo of yourself...and then send the letter registered mail.

It's important not to overwhelm her on the first contact....other than that, I dont think there are any *real* guidlines for doing what you are doing.

Good luck with your letter!

[sspete]

Alysonc--Writing a letter to your bmom is a HUGE step, but can be a really neat experience!!! First you MUST be prepared for ANY reaction, good or bad. Reunions are a roller coaster ride no matter how prepared you think you are. Make sure you send the letter registered so you will know she received it. I would just write a little about yourself, send a picture of you, and that you would like to get to know her in time. Express to her that you are in no hurry for an overnight relationship, but that you would like to begin corresponding at HER pace. If she knows right up front that the ball is in her court--reunion may be a little easier. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that your bmom responds well!!!! I am a bmom who recently contacted my bdaughter, she is not ready for complete contact. She is only 19, and just going off to college for the first time. I feel she will come around, but in her time. Please keep us updated on your bmom's response!!! My prayers are with you!!!! S Pete

[alysonc27]

S Pete... thanks so much for the advice. When I was 19 I wasn't at a good point in my life either for contact with my bmom, so I didn't really search too hard that year. But now I'm 21 and a mom myself to a beautiful daughter, and settled enough in life to begin contact. Many wishes to you, I hope that when she is ready you will have a great relationship. If you want, maybe we could exchange emails about how we (you and I) feel as bmoms and adopted daughers... I think that maybe if I knew how my bmom felt I could write a better letter more tailored to her probable feelings.

[RaychieR]

AlysonC,

I just went through this process last month. After much debate, I decided to essentially write a thank you note to my bmom. I thanked her for allowing me the opportunity to have a great childhood, loving friends and family, giving me the chance to meet my husband and become a mom. I felt it was a very non-threatening approach. I gave her all my contact info and asked that if she didn't want to correspond that I would appreciate medical background info that could be helpful to myself and my son. I also explained that if even that was too much that I really just wanted her to know that I was happy and healthy.

I prepared myself for pretty much anything and was fortunate enough to have had her respond quickly. We have now spoken on the phone and are in the midst of figuring out how we want the relationship to progress.

Be honest. Be yourself. Say the things you feel most - without being too overbearing (maybe easier said than done). While hopefully this will be the start of something, you just never know. I made sure that I said the most basic things I wanted her to know in case I never got the chance again.

Good luck!!!

[Joni Peterson]

What a beautiful idea! A thank you note! In fact, it made me cry. Something I don't do very often. I was very touched by this post. As a birthmother, I think this is actually one of the best ideas I have heard. Although, I am grateful for any and all types of letters or cards from my beautiful birthdaughter (who, is beautiful on the inside as well as in appearance in my opinion). Good luck and fingers crossed for you! ...Joni Peterson

[NancyJo]

I agree, if you had a good life growing up then a Thank you is the way to go. But don't forget to leave room for a new 'life' with your bmom. If she gave you up out of love, she is more than likely going to welcome a reunion.
When I met my bmom for the first time, I received a suggestion from a group on what to do that first meeting. Someone reminded me that she didn't get the "new baby" flowers when I was born, so I took her pink roses. She loved them!
Good luck in your letter.