[RaychieR]

I sent my Bmom a letter on my 36th bday last week and received a response right away. I was incredibly excited to get her letter so quickly but very confused by what she had to say. She told me she was not real anxious to have a meeting as she has never told anyone about me including her husband of 33 years and her 3 children, 2 of whom are adopted. How has she not told her family about me when they have been touched by adoption in their own way? What message does that send to her 2 children about their birthparents decision?

She didn't tell me not to contact her again or that she wanted nothing to do with me - in fact the letter was quite warm - so I have a little bit of hope. She left a window open at least a crack.

[NikkiLGA]

Hello. I am sure you were confused by her response, but what you must understand is that many birth mom's were not allowed to speak of their babies. You are 36, I am 30. I was born in 73. My birth mom was sent across town to a relatives home to hide out until I was born. Many counselors would tell birth mom's of that time that they were making the best choice and they needed to move on. It was almost like we never happened. Though in their hearts, we did. I know there wasn't a day which while my b-mom was still living that she didn't think about me. Even though your b-mom has kept your birth a secret, that doesn't mean she doesn't love you or hasn't thought about you. She was probably forced to keep your birth quiet. In time, I am sure she will explain your existence to her husband and children. Her reply wasn't negative. So hang in there.

[Lynn]

Hi RaychieR,
I am a birthmom from 1967. My son and I found each other 3 years ago. NikkiLGA is correct when she told you birthmoms from that era were told to go home and forget we had a child. As for counceling, I was never offered counceling, I was told to just get on with my life. I have been married for 35 years. My husband didn't know about my son when we were married. I told him several years into our marriage. We haven't really talked about it much over the years, until my son came back into my life. My two other children both know now, but I only told them in the last few years.
Give your bmom some time. Before she can bring you back into her life she has to explain to the rest of her family. A birthmom never forgets. She has been thinking about you for the last 36 years. Good luck, I'm sure it will all work out.
Hugs,
Lynn

[RaychieR]

Thank you for your responses. They did help me to realize that I need to give her time and be patient.

3 days after I received her response letter, today I opened an envelope from her with a current photo and a note saying "Thought you might be curious".

It energized me and gave me the courage to continue on this journey, however long and winding the road may be.

[bajohnson]

Just wanted to say Congrats and if she's still communicating, that's half the battle. I applaud you for searching, and her for responding. It is easier to live in fear than to step out into the light of day. She may want to take it slowly, but you have the rest of your life to get to know each other.
Blessings,
B

[rosieo]

The sixties were another world, filled with many taboos. It never even occurred to me that I could actually tell someone I was pregnant, not even my parents. I know it is hard to understand any of this without walking that mile in another's shoes. But that is just the way it was. I placed a release of information on file the year my daughter turned 18. Seventeen years after that I found a post on an adoption site from a woman looking for her birth mother. I read the information and knew immediately it was my birth daughter. We have been in contact for a couple of months, and are planning to meet each other soon. I am happy and excited and very much look forward to that occasion with no reservations or fear. Have I thought about her every day since she was born? Nope. If I wanted to think about her every day, I would have kept her. Life is full of hard decisions that are niether right or wrong... they are just decisions you make, and then you move on..... most importantly: you move on. Life is just something that keeps coming at us...and keeps coming. Your b-mom is obviously proceeding with caution, but she is also apparently very interested since she is sending pictures/info to you. Let her go at her pace. I think you will be meeting her soon. And this is a good thing!

[shirleyville]

Rosieo,
It does help sometimes to hear someone tell the absolute truth! To hear you say that you didn’t think of your daughter every day (if you wanted to think of her everyday, you would have kept her) is one of the most refreshing pieces of truth I have encountered of late, and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for your willingness to be honest!
I was born in 1964 – deep in the heart of the “secrets and lies” era of adoption, and when I located my birthmom in January of this year, thru the use of a state-appointed CI, she totally denied contact. Initially, she even denied being the woman my CI was looking for, but then she contacted her sister and asked her to phone my CI the next day, admit that she was my birthmom, and then ask for the papers to seal my files permanently.
My aunt was very sympathetic to the situation, and offered to write out a short “medical history” for me and send it to me thru the intermediary. In the history, she mentioned that she was sure a day didn’t go by that my birthmom didn’t think of me – and I know that’s not true – at least not in the endearing way she meant it to be. My CI said that my birthmom referred to her call as “her worst nightmare come true” and that she had lived in dread of this day for 38 years. So, yeah, I imagine she DID think of me everyday, in some respects, but only because she was in such fear that her “secret” would be “outed”.
I don’t blame her for that….I am educated in the world of adoption, and I understand the practice of the day – “forget”, “move on”. She did that, and I can’t fault her for it. I am thankful she went on to have other children and build a family and a life for herself – I have always hoped that she would. It’s been my fondest wish, over the years, that she had someone to bring her flowers on Mother’s Day to make her feel special…..and that on Christmas morning, she had children around her tree to bring the magic of the season to life.
I can’t help but wish that she would have given me a chance….at least accept a letter or a picture from me, so she could know what is in my heart….but she was adamant that this was never going to happen. None of her children know I exist. We are all in our 30’s and they all live within 10 miles of me, but have absolutely no clue I am here. I have made it clear that they never need to know – that the letter would be a “one time” thing with no response required…..or that if she wanted to meet, we would never have to enlighten anyone, but I guess her fear and her pain are too deep.
Anyway, I just wanted to applaud you for saying what you did…..it is honest and wonderful, and I appreciate it more than you can know!
Hugs,
Sally

[dl]

Wanted to join shirleyville in applauding you for having the courage and honesty to post "Have I thought about her every day since she was born? Nope. If I wanted to think about her every day, I would have kept her. Life is full of hard decisions that are neither right or wrong... they are just decisions you make, and then you move on..... most importantly: you move on"

What you have posted is to me, a very realistic attitude that adoptees do need to hear. Personally I have had a hard time with the attitude that "ALL" bmothers are helpless victims that have spent their life only longing for their lost child. Based on the number of bmothers that have refused contact it is so obvious that there are many different situations and attitudes. To often we only see one side that portrays a romantic and loving welcome. I believe it sets adoptees up with unrealistic expectations and increases the pain of rejection.

Congratulations on your reunion. Again, I think you showed great courage by placing a release of information on file the year your daughter turned 18 and then waiting until she was ready to find you instead of forcing things to soon. While you are obviously happy about now being in contact with your bdaughter, it is clear that it has not consumed your life.

With your patience and honesty I will bet that your reunion will be one of the more successful ones. Best of Luck to you!

[RaychieR]

Rosieo,

I, too, thank you for your comments. I went in to my search knowing that I really didn't know anything other than my bmom's vitals. I don't know what she went through when I was born or what she's gone through since then. I hope to, but I understand that is my hope, not my decision.

I do feel that by my bmom sending a letter and then a photo she is reaching out but her note did indicate some hesitation. We are both young and have plenty of time ahead of us to see what happens. I'm just taking baby steps and will see where they lead me. I'm in for the long haul, however long (or short) that may be.

Your honesty was refreshing and encouraging. Thanks!

[RaychieR]

Just a quick update. My bmom called me today. We had a very honest conversation with her telling me about the circumstances surrounding her pregnancy, my birth, her life since then, etc....She still hasn't told her family about me, but she says that she's come a long way in the 2 weeks since she received my letter so she said she'll just have to see how she feels about that in the future.

She said she knows we will meet someday.

She wants to have open lines of communication and even offered to contact my bdad for me. I'm not quite ready for that, but we'll see.

I hope this gives hope to others!

Thanks to everyone for their words of encouragement and support.

[shirleyville]

(((WARM HUGS)))
Congratulations, Sweetie!

More Hugs,
Sally

[chemgirl]

I am glad that things are going well for you Raychie, it is encouraging to hear!

[dkb60]

Finally, someone else that felt the same way i did. Many have chastised me for saying that i did not think of my daughter everyday. But I could not and as the years went back did not. That does not mean I forgot. It's just how I coped.

D

[LIR - NFL]

Rosieo and dkb60, I think the same to and am glad to finally read that there are bthmothers on these chats that are not mad at adparents and feeling all sorry for theirselfs. I think its hard to do the right thing sometimes but its what we have to do especially for the baby.

[shirleyville]

I truly wish there were more birthmoms on this forum who could tell it like it is/was....the REAL DEAL......not the fairy tale.
I love all the birthmoms here...and feel in some way connected to them, because I never will be with my own -- but the majority of the birthmoms here WANT contact, and have dreamed and hoped and prayed for it since they placed their children for adoption.
I wish there was a thread or a forum for birthmoms who DON'T want contact, or who have issues with accepting reunion...birthmoms who have never told their families about their "other" children, and never intend to. A place where not only OTHER birthmoms who share those same feelings could support one another, but also where adoptees who have experienced this in their search could learn and understand.
I find the honesty very healing!
GIANT HUGS,
Sally