[CindyB]

I am an adoptee that has recently made contact with my birthfamily. It initially didn't go well. I would like your opinion on what I should do next.

Background info: 2 years ago, I petitioned the Department of Family Services (DFS) looking for info pertaining to my adoption. I was given a large packet explaining how my b-mom came to put me up for adoption as well as how she dealt with is physically and emotionally. This packet did not contain any identifying info. I was told I would only be given their names if they both gave their consent to do so. Consequently, DFS said they were unable to locate either b-parent. So, I registered here and was blessed with a searchangel who was able to find my birthmother and birthuncle.

Here is the problem: I tried to call b-mom and wasn't able to get through. She lives in Oregon and I live in Missouri. So, since I couldn't get her, I tried my birthuncle and got him. He was very nice and answered all of my questions and wants to meet my husband and I for dinner in a few weeks. I later reached b-mom and she totally freaked out. She was very concerned as to how I found her and said her husband and children don't know of my existence. I left my phone number with her in case she changed her mind. It's been 2 weeks and I've heard nothing. I wasn't looking for a mother/daughter relationship, but a new found friendship. I was lead to believe from the report DFS gave me, that she would be very receptive to knowing me. Boy was that wrong! I guess I'm having a hard time getting past the disbelief that she wants to sweep me under the rug. I'm not really hurt as much as disappointed. Also, I know if I was in her shoes, I'd be on the first plane to meet my child I had to let go of and graciously accept any kind of relationship that was offered. I guess she and I are not as much alike as I had thought.

Your opinion: So I can go on about my life with some closure, should I write her a letter telling her a little about my life and enclose a picture?? That would leave the "ball" in her court. I feel like I am in limbo always wondering if she'll change her mind. Although, I'm not holding my breath. I feel like I can't move on with my life until I know exactly where she stands. I know part of her reaction was due to shock, but I'd like to know why she is treating me so cold. I didn't pick her to be my mother, so why is she making me feel guilty for finding her??? If I can't have a relationship with her, I'd like one with birthuncle, consequently, he only lives 20 minutes from me. The other problem is that birthuncle hasn't spoken to my birthmother in 10 years...will he want to keep in touch with me or is this meeting just out of sympathy?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks
CindyB

[dl]

Since you left your phone number with her, the "ball" is already in her court, so to speak. I would not send a letter or pictures. She told you that her husband and children don't know of your existance. Having a letter arrive that may be received or seen by husband and/or children may upset her more.

I would meet with buncle and see where things go. Although he currently does not have a relationship with bmother he will be able to share information about your bfamily with you. Perhaps he knows who your bfather is. You mentioned he was very nice, so I would go to dinner with only the expectation of having dinner with someone very nice. Where the relationship goes from there is impossible to predict. What his motivation is for meeting you is also impossible to guess, but I would not assume "sympathy".

"I feel like I can't move on with my life until I know exactly where she stands." It seems that she gave you a pretty good indication as to where she stands. Yes, it may be partially shock but it is probably more that she does not want husband and children to find out. I read once that when we search, we need to be prepared for anything. It is sad, but not all bmothers are longing for contact as many on the forum are longing. Also sad, that some adoptees when found by bparent do not want contact. Everyone is unique. Accept these are her feelings. She has your number if she changes her mind. Remember, it is not YOU the person that she is treating coldly. It is her fear that her secret will be discovered.

[jmisaacs2003]

I'm sorry to hear your reunion didn't go as you had hoped. I just started looking for my bmom about a year ago. The main reason I didn't want to in the past was I didn't want to disrupt her life or even mine. I was worried she hadn't told her husband if she ahd married or told her children if indeed she had more. I didn't want to cause problems. Since you have left your phone number I would let her contact you if she wants to. Maybe after the shock has worn off she will think about it and want to at least talk. I know it must be hard but its probably best to let her calm down for alittle while. Even if I find my bmom I do not know how I plan on contacting her. I still do not want to disrupt her life. I was thinking of sending her a letter and letting her decide from there if she wants contact. I don't know if I will do that but that's what I have thought about. Good Luck and I hope things get better for you. Take care and email me if you need to talk.

[FamilyBound]

Originally posted by dlouis
Since you left your phone number with her, the "ball" is already in her court, so to speak. I would not send a letter or pictures. She told you that her husband and children don't know of your existance. Having a letter arrive that may be received or seen by husband and/or children may upset her more.

I would meet with buncle and see where things go. Although he currently does not have a relationship with bmother he will be able to share information about your bfamily with you. Perhaps he knows who your bfather is. You mentioned he was very nice, so I would go to dinner with only the expectation of having dinner with someone very nice. Where the relationship goes from there is impossible to predict. What his motivation is for meeting you is also impossible to guess, but I would not assume "sympathy".

"I feel like I can't move on with my life until I know exactly where she stands." It seems that she gave you a pretty good indication as to where she stands. Yes, it may be partially shock but it is probably more that she does not want husband and children to find out. I read once that when we search, we need to be prepared for anything. It is sad, but not all bmothers are longing for contact as many on the forum are longing. Also sad, that some adoptees when found by bparent do not want contact. Everyone is unique. Accept these are her feelings. She has your number if she changes her mind. Remember, it is not YOU the person that she is treating coldly. It is her fear that her secret will be discovered.

dlouis has given you so wonderful advice and things to think about.

One more thing to add is now that your bmom knows that you are in the 'present', I'm sure that she will probably be thinking about the situation. Don't get your hopes up, but you did place the ball in her court and gave her an opening to create a friendship.

Good luck to you. {{hugs}}

[cross]

hello,only advice I can give.Proverbs3:5-trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your understanding.Pray to the Lord and he will direct your path God Bless!

[shirleyville]

Cindy,
I can certainly relate to your circumstances....and, your feelings. I petitioned a search for my own birthmom thru the state, and it ended up quite similar to your situation, although I was never able to speak directly with my birthmom -- the intermediary made contact on my behalf, and my birthmom was quick to make clear that she desired NO CONTACT.
I have since located my birth aunt, and while she wanted to respect the wishes of my mom and maintain no contact, she was able to understand my need for answered questions, so she put me in contact with my cousin --- who has been wonderfully generous for someone being thrust into this type of position.
Talking with my cousin, and learning the type of life my birthmom has had, has helped me immensely in understanding WHY she denied me contact.....and while understanding makes it easier in some respects, it is still SO hard. I've spoke with my cousin very frankly about things and she's pretty much laid it out on the table for me that my birthmom has no intention of ever changing her mind about any type of contact with me......but one of the hardest things in all of this is never actually HEARING IT from HER. The CI told me, the state told me, and my cousin told me.....and I completely understand that she wants no contact....I respect that she wants no contact......but as sad as it sounds, I just want to hear HER tell me. At least then, I would have heard her voice just once in my life. But that isn't going to be the way it works, apparently....and I have come to terms with it in many respects.
I want to caution you that what may appear to be "cold" in her way of treating you may not be that at all. I have learned of all kinds of pretty unpleasant things in my birthmom's present and past life...things that she is, in part, "protecting" me from -- but she is also protecting herself at the same time. It is really a two way street.......as hard as it is to wrap your head around........we, as adoptees DO have rights, but so do our moms. I exercised my "right" by reacing out to her, and she exercised hers by saying "no".
One of the ideas that someone gave me, here, is to write letters whenever I want to....to pick out pictures and things and stories that I want to share with her....and make a box to put them in. One day, things may change....who knows. If they don't, I will have a place in my "world" that will be hers and it will contain all of the things that I want to share with her.
Enjoy the realtionship you are going to build with your uncle.....but build slowly. If you are like me, I have to propensity to want to know everything RIGHT NOW, because I am so afraid it will be my one and only chance....that I will wake up tomorrow and it will have all "gone away"......but if you press to hard or try to cram too much in to the "moment", it can be too overwhelming to those members of our birthfamilies who have had little to no time to get used to this. We've had all of our lives to think about and prepare for such a reunion......but in my case, my cousin got it all thrust onto her in one day. I am still working on not pressing too hard.
If you ever need to chat, I am always around! I would welcome walking down this similar path with one who understands!
Hugs,
Sally

[sspete]

Hi Cindy--I wish in a reunion situation everyone was always ready, willing, and able to begin a relationship. That would make thing so much easier for everyone, but sadly enough this is not the way it goes. I agree with dlouis--she gave you great advice! I would not write a letter since her husband and children do not know about you. In time this may change, and she may tell them about you. For now, I would give her space. I think it is great your uncle lives so close, and you can establish a relationship with him. He also may be able to help you understand the circumstances involved with her placing you. You will be in my prayers! I know it is so hard to want to get to know her, and waiting for her to respond. Please try to understand sometimes the feelings that go along with adoption reunions can be very overwhelming for some bmoms. Sometimes they bring up painful memories that have been put away for a long time. I hope this helps! I am a bmom to a daughter who is not ready for contact yet. We have e-mailed, but she is rather reserved with her feelings. I don't hold this against her, I totally understand it is hard!--I am willing to wait forever if that is how long it takes. Many Blessings to You!

[shirleyville]

SSpete....
I just wanted to let you know that your little "quotation" at the end of your post made me smile!
"Let us always remember the children in every situation!"
Sometimes it is hard to remember for me that I am the child in this situation! I'm 38 years old and have more grey hair than I care for........but in this little scenario, I am the birth CHILD....and thinking of it in those terms, somehow makes me feel a little better about the way I internalize my situation.
In another thread "The Great Eggshell Walk", I talk about always feeling the need to be the "caretaker"...the "comapssionate one"....the "understanding one". While I look at these qualities as "gifts" and I enjoy being those things to people, I often find myself feeling GUILTY for thinking "what about ME?" or simply just wanting someone to step outside THEIR box to be those things for ME. It makes me feel very small, and young and left wishing that my birthmom could have been more compassionate to ME......and that makes me feel guilty. But seeing your little quote made me realize that it's okay to have a little bit of that kind of feeling.....because, after all , I AM her CHILD!
Thanks for making me smile!
Sally

[sspete]

Hi Sally--You are welcome!! I always tell my children-"You maybe eighty, but you will always be MY baby"! You are entitled to feel like a child every now and then. You are a precious person that deserves only the best. I wish like you that your bmom could be more compassionate to you. She doesn't know what she is missing!! Blessings Sally!!

[CindyB]

Thank you all for your much needed advice and suggestions. You all have given me different angles to ponder on for awhile. Patience is not one of my virtues so that makes all of this extra hard. I also have a hard time asking for help and that makes me feel very needy (which drives me insane!). Thanks again for the nice comments, prayers, and good ideas!

CIndyB