[bumpypiano]

Any help with knowing how to tell my 14 year old son that he has a 21 yr. old sister he has never met? My husband is very much against it. I connected with my birth daughter 7 weeks ago. Everyone in my family knows except my son. Husband not being at all supportive. Wants to know where all of this leaves him. I need advice.

[Stephaniesbmom]

Bumpypiano,

My first question is, why do you think your husband is against your son not knowing about her? I have a birthdaughter who is 19 and three sons. My oldest son is 15. I have told them about her all along, but in the last couple years they have now just begun to understand what it means. From my personal experience, my oldest son was very calm about the news that I was searching for my daughter. The two younger ones didn't think much about it.

I think we can sometimes over think how our children will react to knowing our other child. I feel that our children are blameless and none of this is either of their faults. Eventually he will find out about her, especially if everyone else in the family knows...there is bound to be a slip up (if your family is anything like mine!). Wouldn't the news come better from you both? You know your son the best, I am just guessing here. Believe in your heart and do what you feel is best.

Best of luck! Let me know how things go...by the way...congrats on meeting your daughter!

[sspete]

Bumpypiano--I agree with Stephaniesbmom that your son is going to find out sooner or later. Fourteen is a good age to explain. I am sorry your husband does not support you--that would be very difficult. I would hope he could understand that they are both your children, and this truly means a lot to you! I guess some husbands get a little worried with all the past coming up, and the idea that he was not a part of your life back then. I hope that he comes around for you, because I can see where it would be difficult if he does not offer support. Try to put his fear to rest with reassuring him that the past is the past and you are beginning a new future with your daughter. My prayers are with you!! spete

[bumpypiano]

I appreciate your advice. I would like to tell my son about his sister. My husband has clearly stated that he will do severe harm to whoever tells our son about my other child. I really don't understand what the big problem is, but he says that our son will hate me that he never got to know that he had a sister and share life with her as he was growing up. Whatever the rest of the problems are with it, I don't know unless it is jealousy. I guess my biggest fear is that as I have made the contact with my daughter that all she will really want to know is medical history, etc. and be gone. I don't want my son hurt like that. He has been raised as an only child and after finding out he is not really alone and then be rejected would be too hard. I guess I just need to get brave on this, but I would like to tell my son with my husband and not behind his back.

[dpen]

you know what this is a tough one...I do think honesty is best, like everyone else has said he will probuly find out anyway....but the tricky part is how to tell him. He is a 14 y.o. boy....he may say "oh thats nice,,where's my skateboeard" or he may react differently.

I had somewhat the same situation, my bmom didn't tell my half brother about me at all, so he was very angry! I don't know the particulars but they were estranged for a while ,we don't commicate much(my half brother) so I don't know why he was so upset. But he was in his twenties...I think he was angry because she hadn't told him about me and I think he had issues of his own. I did feel bad for him because that did upset his life...guess what you have a sister!!! that must be shocking. He has come around now but it took time.

I think he needs to be told soon, mabe there is a person knowledgable about teen devolpment you could talk to. I do think he has to know that it won't change his standing with you. Also your daughter needs to know that he may become resentful...don't take it personal.

Please don't keep it from him to protect him, that is just dishonest and he will defininatly find out later which will cause more problems.

Is your daughter your husbands child? If not then your husband may not be just trying to protect your son....he may have his own fears...its upsetting the applecart. I think if handled right, given time, it should all work out. Good Luck! Donna

[bumpypiano]

I think that you are right that my son will find out about his sister and will resent it that he wasn't told. Do I go behind my husband's back and risk his anger? I feel like this is something that needs to be done together. My daughter is not my husband's child. I think that he is just jealous and afraid that this will change our lives. He doesn't adapt to change well in any area. How would you tell a 14 yr. old about this?

[bajohnson]

Bumpypiano,
I have a concern here. When your husband says he will do"severe harm" to anyone who tells your son, does he mean physical violence? Is this an abuse situation? Not prying, but the way you said that raised all the hackles on my neck. I have suffered in an abusive marriage, and hope that is not the case, but if it is, please seek help. If not, and it was an idle threat, it still worries me that this triggers such a strong response in him. Can you approach him with documentation of successful reunions? The library is full of books about them. Please feel free to personal message me if you want.
I think your son has the right to know, and honesty is ALWAYS the best policy, especially in the adoption triad.
Good luck to you, and congratulations on finding your daughter,
B

[shirleyville]

I truly feel that honesty is always the best policy in all situations! Coming from the "secrets and lies" era of the 1960's closed adoption, I have found that the "big family secret" only festers and festers until it becomes more of an issue than it ever needed to be!
I am 38 years old, and have a birth sister and two birth brothers, ages 37, 33 and 31, respectively, who have NO idea I exist. There are many reasons why birth parents don't share this information with their "kept children"....and while I totally understand my birthmom's reasoning in not telling them NOW, I DO feel that things might have been so much different had she shared this with them when we were all younger.
I am now in contact with my birth aunt and cousin....although even THAT is a "secret".......my birthmom can't know, because she denied contact to the entire family when I located her with a CI...she had my files sealed forever with the state.
I was the "big family secret" in my a-family, and I am the big family secret in my birth family.........it has a lot to do with the era. The damages done are permanent for us.......but these days, I can hardly stand to see it perpetuate.
I think about it like this.....I have three siblings, raised by our mother, who have no idea I exist. One day, she will pass away, and inevitably, they will find out -- they will come across paperwork or someone will tell them...they may all be in their 40's or 50's, and will all of the sudden be faced with this enormous SHOCK! The irony of it all is that I -- the child who was given up and never even KNEW our mom -- will be equipped with more answers, then they will ever have...because I had the chance to know WHY. They were never given the option. Everything they ever thought or believed about their mom will be questioned....they will wonder "what else" had been a lie....what else had she hidden from them?
I don't think it is fair to them.......but it is not my decision to make.
I wish you luck in your situation and I will pray that things work out for all of you.....and that your husband's heart and mind will open!
Hugs,
Sally

[Stephaniesbmom]

Bumpypiano,

As to answer your question "how to tell my son". Personally, I would find out more about what your wants daughter first. See if all she wants is "medical information". That way when you do tell your son, you can tell him what to expect in reguards to how much she will see him or not.

Then...if at all possible...tell him as plainly as possible with your husband by your side. If your husband refuses to be there, then that is his choice. This is my personal suggestion.

I hope too that your husband has a change of heart!

Best of luck!

Chris

[bumpypiano]

I have gotten some good advice from you all. Thanks for all of your words. It helps make things clearer. Sometimes others can see things clearer than you can yourself because you are too close to the situation. Keep all of the advice coming. I appreciate it.

[BobbyTC]

BumpyPiano, I am in very much the same situation as you. I just met my 22 year old daughter for the first time 3 weeks ago. I have 2 other daughters with my wife. The oldest is 14. My birth daughter is very much interested in becoming part of my life and in meeting her 2 half sisters. My wife is somewhat supportive when it comes to me and she feels this is good for me but she is hesitant to meet my birthdaughter and she is even more hesitant about telling our 2 daughters. I think they will be happy to learn they have an older sister but my wife is worried about it and wants to seek counselling. I am already in counselling. I don't know where my next step is. My wife just doesn't seem to understand that I care so much about birthdaughter. I am not sure how it will turn out but I know I'm doing the right thing by pursuing this.
Bobby

[patrisha]

bumpypiano

Initially, reunions tend to bring out the worst in alot of the reuniting birth parent's spouses, especially husbands. My opinion is that it's fear of the unknown and jealousy based.

Has your husband met your daughter yet? I know that in my situation as soon as my hubby met my bson his attitude improved immensely. Maybe your husband would agree to meeting your bdaughter before he makes his final decision. Seeing that she is a flesh-and-blood girl and not an ogre set on disrupting his family can go a long way.

Bottom line is the "cats out of the bag" and the only decision you have to make is when your telling your son, not if. Like Sally's family most can't keep a secret of this magnitude for long.

Good Luck

Trish

[bumpypiano]

Obviously I'm not the only one who is or has gone through this situation. So if you seek counselling on this subject, where do you go? My husband and I went through this again last night for a couple hours. I just can't see how I am being so heartless to my husband for wanting to know my daughter. Yes, she is really high up on my thought and priority list right now, but it isn't like I spend a lot of time on it. The relationship is moving slowly because she is in her last weeks of college and very busy in a distant state. Husband is still saying that he doesn't know if we will ever tell son about this situation, but I tried to explain to him that too many people know including young children. It is going to be known very soon so it should come from us.

[BobbyTC]

BumpyPiano, I would suggest just about any family counsellor. Maybe if you can get your husband to consider counselling he would enter this with an open mind. One thing I am certain of...There is no counsellor in the world who would tell you that perpetuating a lie and denying a sibling would be in your son's best interest. I can't see it being in anybody's best interest. I know meeting my birth daughter has been an exhilirating experience for me. I know that many peoples feelings have to be considered but after having thought about someone for many years and then getting a second chance...well that certainly has to take priority in your life at least at the onset. .....It certainly is exciting isn't it?

[arthur]

HELLO I DIDN'T READ ALL THE OTHER RESPONCES TO YOU QUESTION BUT I WOULD SIT HIM DOWN AN TELL HIM THE TRUTH. THE TRUTH WILL SET YOU FREE. IT WILL THEN BE HIS CHOICE IF HE WANTS TO MEET HER A HAVE A LIFE LONG CONNECTION TO HER. YOUR HUSBANDS PROBLEM I DON'T KNOW. MY FURTHER ADVICE IS YOU FIND A GOOD BIBLE TEACHING CHURCH AN GET INVOLVED AN MAYBE YOU SOMEDAY COULD BE THE LEADER OF A SUPPORT GROUP THERE FOR THINGS SUCH AS THIS.
GOD BLESS YOU AN FAMILY.