[copperhead]

I am really confused as to whether I want to try and contact birth parents. I am in the process of getting my birth certificate so I should hopefully at least be able to find out who my birth mother is. I would rather know who both of them are before I make any decisions because I may decide that i don't need anymore information. I have a hunch about who my birth father is so not sure if I'll be able to confirm without contacting birth mother. I was given the advice to make sure they have stable lives, no criminal background, etc. but at the same time that makes me feel like I'm being nosy. One one hand, I've been told I'm too concerned with others feelings and that my feelings count too. My biggest concern is hurting or causing issues with their family (mainly spouses and their children, etc.). I kind of know what I don't want out of it but not sure how much I want...one time meeting or an ongoing friendship type relationship. I really don't invision joining or integrating myself as a family member. I'd imagine that it would be somewhat distant anyway because I live so far from where I was born anyway. I don't want to hurt their feelings either by saying I just want a one time meeting. I guess I'm more concerned with my birth mother's feelings. In some ways I feel like that would just hurt her more.

Would love to hear any advice. Was reunion worth it in the end even if relationship was not formed? I feel as if i got to meet them at least once and learned about my background, it would give me closure. Do most birth parents understand a birth child's need for that?

I have read a lot of horror stories about reunions but also good ones. I am starting to wonder though if the good ones are short lived and eventually most fall apart. A therapist I talked to said all the stories she hears of end of being horror stories and seemed to try and talk me out of it.

[PADJ]

Copperhead,
I would guess that the reason the therapist told you that all the stories she hears of end of being horror stories is because maybe that's all she ever hears. I doubt that many people make appointments to come to her and relate reunion stories that fulfill everything that was ever dreamed, because then who would need to talk to the therapist?

Look, many of the quandries that you bring up (how much contact do you want, how much will they want, are they alive, what's their background, will your entry into their lives cause problems or not, will you be rejected or welcomed just to name a few) I'm sorry to say there are no good answers for. In most cases, you are the only person that can answer them for yourself. Everyone's search is different because everyone's situation is different. I think the one question that you should ask that person looking back at you in the mirror is "what do I want out of a search and a reunion, if one is possible?" There are no rights or wrongs, but the answers help to frame your efforts and define how you proceed. And I think you'll find that the person in the mirror is pretty smart!

A good part of your post sounds a lot like me a few years ago, before I decided to get serious about my search. I dabbled in it and called it searching but it took me years to get to the point of "really" searching. I had to ask myself the "what do I want?" type questions and accept the uncomfortable facts that my efforts might cause problems for others, I might be rejected completely, I might not like who and what I found, and all that. Mine is still a story that's writing its ending, but so far I have to say that the journey has been worth it. I'm a big believer in knowing the truth, even if the truth isn't happy. I used a search angel to help with my search and even in making first contact, just in case there were reasons that my b-family didn't want contact. The thought being that the search angel acted as intermediary and if the answer was "no" then they came back and told me that with no identifying information, and that would have been that.

Thankfully my situation turned out differently. I hope yours turns out well.

Best,
PADJ

[RavenSong]

I am a natural mother who relinquished her baby son in 1972. We've been in reunion ever since his 18th birthday, almost 22 years now. I've met quite a few moms the past five years or so who have passed the 20-year anniversary in reunion, and many of us have encountered similar problems and milestones in the relationships we enjoy with our grown kids.

I think people like to scare other people with nightmare scenarios when it comes to the challenges of post-reunion relationships, especially between birth/first mothers and their now-grown children. When I was given the opportunity of becoming part of my son's life, I knew it would be for the rest of our lives...one day at a time. We've had falling-outs from time to time over the years, but nothing unsurmountable...it can be challenging, yes; impossible, no.

It's just like any other family relationship, with all the joys and sorrows, challenges and compromises that that entails. I've gotten in plenty of arguments with my parents as an adult, but nobody ever says, "gee, it's a nightmare to deal with relatives, so just don't even try." I've pulled back from my own mom so many times I've lost count, so I do understand completely when my son needs some breathing space.

In my own opinion, a meaningful relationship with anybody on this planet is up to the two parties involved. It revolves around mutual respect, compassion, empathy, and unconditional love. The good times we share together get us through the bad times, at least that seems to be what's happened between my son and myself.

Don't let yourself get freaked out by all the horror stories you hear on the Internet when it comes to reunion. People for some reason tend to focus on failed reunions and gloss over stories from those of us who have been reunited for many, many years.

I do consider the relationship my son and I have built over these past 22 years to be a successful one. Are we always lovey-dovey and rainbows and flowers? Of course not...because we're both human beings with our own needs, temperments, and flaws. But both of us have learned the meaning of what unconditional love truly means, and we both decided a long time ago that we're in this thing for life, for better and for worse.

[cferg3]

I think I could have written that word for word. I just received my OBC a few days ago and I'm still trying to figure out what to do next. I have found both of them and they are actually still friends after 35 years. They both live very far away from me, but close to each other. They both have kids and seem to have nice, normal lives. Now that I know this, I'm worried about turning their worlds upside down. My husband is convinced that they, especially my bmom, wants to be found. I haven't told my parents that I have this info, and I'm not sure how they would take it. Who knew that getting answers would raise so many questions.

[txrnr]

PADJ made an excellent point. How many people stay on forums or go to therapy when they are happy with what they have? I'd think that would especially be true for therapy.

I'm almost 2.5 years into a reunion that I consider very good. It isn't perfect, and there are times I wonder what in the world is going on, but I've also enjoyed almost every second of it.

I asked myself the same questions you did and in my case, I decided I wouldn't contact anyone unless I was sure I wouldn't walk away. I thought in my case, it was only fair to be willing to stick it out if I was the one who was going to potentially disrupt their lives. (now had I found an axe murderer... I'd have ran) It took me almost 4 years to make that decision. It wasn't easy. I don't tell you this expecting you to have the same reasoning I did, just that it is a complicated question and you have to come to terms with what YOU are comfortable with and can live with after contact. All of us have different life stories and conditions so it's impossible for one response to fit all. My suggestion is to make sure that if you want to only "want to meet one time" is that you TRULY feel that way and that you can accept a no, or if they want more. For me, I had to make sure I had played out all the scenarios in my head before I could do anything.

Good luck!

[crick]

I think it depends on what you really want/expect out of it. My dh wanted to meet his bmom but didn't really want a relationship with her & didn't expect her to drop her life for him either.

He's met her dh, and his 1/2 siblings, and he emails with his bmom from time to time, but that's about the extent of it. It works though because that's what both of them want out of things.

So keep in mind that not every reunion is successful only because a relationship is developed and everything came up "roses". It's successful if both parties are getting what they want/need out of it, imo. And it's not a "good" or "bad" thing either way.

[copperhead]

Thanks everyone for the advice. I agree about the therapist. I'm sure we don't always hear about all the good reunion stories here because if that's the case, many would not be spending their time on these boards. Many here are like me. ...trying to decide in limbo or in the midst of some reunion problems and are looking for support/advice. The advice about being committed to sticking it out makes sense. I think I have to accept that I may ruffle some feathers so it wouldn't be fair for me to go in turn things upside down with someone's family, then turn my back when I felt I had the info I wanted. The commitment thing has been a challenge for me in general in many areas of my life. I certainly still need some time to think about it some more. I have always avoided confrontation type situations so this is all a challenge for me.

[kakuehl]

The problem going into making contact is that you have no idea if the other has any interest at all. As a birthmom who relinquished in 1972, I have been in reunion since 2005. I did know that he had looked for me, because I found his info in the registry on here. I personally had no expectations, I was open to what he wanted. Even if he didn't want a relationship at least I knew he was alive. He was 32 when we made contact and it has been a good relationship for both of us. My advice is to take it slowly, and be truthful that you don't know what you want. We call it a roller coaster for a reason. There is incredible emotion when we first make contact and I have read stories of adoptees who have left home to move in with or near to the birth parents. (I don't recommend it!) Try to take it one day at a time. Remember either of you may pull back because of the emotional stress you encounter. That's not saying the other person is horrible or that you don't want a relationship... Good luck!

[copperhead]

Thanks Kathy and all other birth parents for the advice. Now that I think of it, I don't think I personally know any birth parents so it's nice to be able to hear your point of view. I was born in the early 70's and with all the secrecy during that time, it makes it difficult to know if my birth parents just want to keep everything in the past. I think I could deal with getting my feelings hurt but to think that I could hurt someone's else's or someone that wasn't even involved in the adoption (wives/husbands/birth siblings), is what holds me back.

[kakuehl]

My suggestion would be to contact the bparents without involving spouses etc. if you can. Most bmoms I know have always thought and wondered about their child. (Unless they've really buried it deeply because it hurt so much.) You might want to tell her that you understand if she wants to keep it in the past. Then give her your info so she can contact you if/when she's ready. Regardless of who is doing the contacting, it comes as a shock to the other side, so it make take time. I need to tell you that D was never a secret in my family. My husband said afterward that he always kind of expected a phone call or a knock at the door. D's bdad and I were friends all his life. I don't know if he told his first wife; I do know he told his second wife. Unfortunately he died in 2000 of cancer, and so they never got to meet.

[VancouverShar]

I'm a first mother in reunion. You must do alot of work on yourself before you attempt contact. Reunion will bring up much pain, for both you and your first mom. Pain you didn't even know you had, if you don't do the work first. Good luck! I'm sure your first mother would love to hear from you!!

[lostmother2012]

I have had some contact with my son but after the initial 'honeymoon' period it didn't go to well. We had different expectations, boundaries were ignored and he has anger issues with adoption. I'm still thankful for the contact we did have as I know he is alive, well and has a family that love him very much. I had to go through it again I would because I also love my son.

[PADJ]

VancouverShar,
I wondered if you would please explain a little bit what type of work one needs to do before attempting contact? Or maybe that should be a totally different thread? I'm curious, because like many of us here my reunion hasn't panned out as I thought it might. As lostmother2012 mentioned, my b-mom and I had our "honeymoon" period and the whole 9 yards.

I don't feel as though I have anger or pain over the adoption. If anything I'm more annoyed with the lack of response I've received from my birth family. I'm just curious to hear your thoughts of what type of work one should put in.

Thanks!
PADJ

[lostmother2012]

VancouverShar,

I was tired when I responded and I agree with PADJ. When I surrendered my son I was told to forget about him, get on with my life, I would never be allowed to search for him, he could when he turned 18 but he would be too happy with his adoptive family to search. Subsequently I internalised his adoption and even when I got married I couldn't talk about my son as it was too painful. My husband did know about my son.

I didn't know I could get counselling until after my son and I reunited. I couldn't afford to go private, the free counselling didn't help so I joined msn groups that were adoption related but those closed down ages ago. There was no way to prepare myself for reunion.

Nothing could have prepared me for my son's anger. He has been given answers to his questions though.

[VancouverShar]

Thank you so much for your posts - such sage advice and openness here. It really is horrible that we first mothers and adoptees were not given any help with our trauma and grief. Dealing with that trauma/grief would've gone a long way in preparing for reunion. When it isn't dealt with it appears that reunion brings pain but the fact is it was always there. In my opinion, it is the truly ugly side of the adoption 'triangle'. I put the word triangle in quotes because it really isn't. A triangle has three equal sides and that is just not the case with adoption.

Of course there is going to be pain and the resulting anger from adoptees. They suffer multiple traumas. Just dealing with the paradox of 'Your mother loved you so much she gave you away'. How does a child compute that? Many adoptees will tell you they have no pain and anger over adoption. I don't believe it. Of course, there will be more or less depending on their own personal experiences.

Why is it that it seems to be the rule and not the exception that once the honeymoon of reunion is over everything seems to fall apart, badly? Is it a coincidence that these periods seem to average about 9 months? Why do I so often hear 'it's not going as planned' but in the same breath 'I had no expectations'? Really? Its like when I hear an adoptee tell me they never thought about their first parents growing up. The human brain just doesn't function that way. Perhaps its just too painful to acknowledge.

As for preparing for reunion - perhaps it does need it's own thread. As we all know, every situation is unique and I acknowledge that I'm generalizing here. Adoptees and first mothers need to be able to empathize and have deep compassion for each other. That's not as easy as it sounds when you have someone raging at you - to the point where it feels abusive. We need to educate ourselves. I believe The Primal Wound is a must read for all involved. For those children lost to adoption before Roe v. Wade, reading up on the 'baby scoop era' (Amazon.com: The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade (9780143038979): Ann Fessler: Books) will give them some insight and may give them some empathy for their mothers so they can direct their anger away from her.

For the adoptee, before attempting contact, can you feel that it really isn't possible to be 'abandoned' again? If you think you can than you're not ready (in my opinion -imo). "{removed link}

Do you rejoice on your birthday or do you try to ignore it and pretend like its any other day? Ignore it - you're not ready (imo). Have you acknowledged and dealt with the pain of all your losses? The psychological death of your mother from birth? The loss of your clan, shared heritage, who you look like, shared abilities, skills, personality traits? If you haven't grieved for these, probably not ready.

For first mothers, have we dealt with our grief, anger and multiple losses? Have we acknowledged how deeply this has affected all our relationships? Can we empathize with the multiple traumas our lost children have suffered? Are we aware of the overrepresentation adopted children have in areas such as ADD, anger management, addiction? Are we aware of the neurological affects that adoption has proven to cause on the brain? Do we know that many adoptees abhor conflict, are people pleasers, and can be truly devastated by any critisism? One adoptee told me that what may feel like an insect sting (from critisism) for the non-adoptee feels like a shark bite to them? That boundaries unless given in the most gentle and caring way will feel like an attack? Are we aware of the conflict of two mothers has? Are we aware that our child may try to sabotage our relationship in fear of being 'rejected'? If not, we're not ready either.

Sadly, unless we heal ourselves and learn as much as we can about the 'other's' pain it is likely our reunion will not go as well as it should. Even if it does faulter, it can still be salvaged with understanding, patience and that ever present love. It isn't easy but with alot of work we can all heal from this.

"The horrors of war pale beside the loss of a mother" - Anna Freud "and the loss of a baby" - Joe Soll