[SeekingBalance]

Originally Posted by Xdad

Our relationship is non-existent... that may change this weekend with my first f2f. She is a minor, so there really is no communication. Otherwise it is cute, she changes her fb profile pics regularly, and I follow in suit.

The dark shadow isn't anything other than a feeling. Everytime I see a couple with their children, everytime I watch tv there is some story about an absent father, everytime I get pictures of my nieces and nephews, even songs have a way of reminding me.

and yes, every situation is different. My daughter stayed with her birthmom, and I left.

Now that I have re-surfaced, it is interesting to see her transform... last year a cheerleader with bleach blonde hair... now, dark edgy haircuts, playing coed soccer, and playing her guitar more... So if all goes badly, at least I know she acknowledges me, and in due time, all will be fine.

Life is a river, you can paddle all you want towards what you desire, but the current is that strong, and it is best to use the rudder to gently guide you to where you need to be....down river.

I think I am past the "should've, could've, would've" and now at "what's next". I'm sure all these will resurface, but trying my best to think in the NOW, rather than, the past, or future.

And thinking in the now is all important, especially now more than ever! I can imagine the gender difference will be a significant challenge for you and her to relate and bond. Best of luck to you both, seems as though you are off to a great start! i wish i could awknowledge my bmom on her fb page.... sigh

[shadow riderer]

Originally Posted by SeekingBalance

hahaha i def did teach that man something about adoption! saw him again today... he is talking anti-depressants. i worry about weight gain and i socially drink on the weekend and used to work in mental health. i have witnessed very ugly side-effects so i think fish oil and 5-htp might just have to cut it for now.
how long did it take for the dust to settle for you? the inner tornado is so strong i can barely hold up a conversation. not used to this... i'm usually much friendlier....

I refused the anti depressants as well. When I started therapy, all I wanted was for the craziness to end, and believe me, my situation was certifiable. My BPs and their issues were just waaaay more than I could deal with. They were sucking the life out of me. My BPs were emotional messes,and, me, being the people pleasing, rescuer that I am, well, you can probably see the disaster it became. I didn't want anything masked by drugs of any kind, though I considered straight shots of tequilla a time or two. I didn't do it. I'm not as young as I once was, and, well, a three day hangover, as the old song says, hurts more than it used to. I wanted to "deal" with it and move on...simple as that. Unfortunately, it wasn't "just" that simple.

I kept asking my therapist, "How long is this going to take?" To which she would reply, "As long as it takes." Uhg!

That's the best I can do in answering how long it took me. My reunions have turned into very complicated messes. I have done tons of grieving, and still have some to do. At some point over the past two years, the issue stopped being about being rejected by my BPs, and trying to figure out why they were the way they were, and did what they have done, meaning the things they did after I reunited with each of them, not why I was placed. It became more about accepting the situation for what it was, focusing on "reality", learning to love myself again, for lack of a better way to put it, and most important grieving the losses in my life.

I'm not sure I'm really telling you what you want to know, but hope this helps somehow. There is a book that you might find helpful, though it's quite contraversal: The Primal Wound. If you do check into this book, don't get caught up in the whole "wound" thing. For me the book was just simply about adoptees grieving the loss of their bio family. I didn't agree with everything in it, but as I've gone through reunion, I can see a lot of similarities in my feelings and situation, but again, IMO, the book is about grieving. Another book I found really interesting, but hard to read, because it is quite technical, is "Necessary Losses".

Grief is a very powerful emotion. The more you learn about it, see how it relates to you and your adoption/bio family, and then allow yourself to grieve, the sooner the tornado will stop spinning. You can't force it...just have to go with it until you get through. Hope this helps. I'm not always good at explaining. Give your self a break. This is difficult and painful stuff. Remember that thing I said about patience? Let me just appologize first for what I'm about to say, because I know this probably isn't what you want to hear. Be patient, and give yourself time to grieve. You will get through this.

Seriously, try to find a support group in your area if you can. It will help you feel not quite so alone in all this. You will also find a lot of validation in a support group. Validation is a valuable thing in reunion.