[Amilynn22]

Well, it happened pretty quickly......I called her the weekend before last and we met for the first time this past Sunday. I don't really know what to say about it other than it was nice. I met my bmom and my bhalf-sister and they are very sweet and seemed very genuine. It was a little awkward at times but we made it through. I honestly don't know where it goes from here but I'm glad that I can sort of check it off my list no matter what happens. I do hope at some point that the novelty wears off....they stared at me alot which was a little uncomfortable.

I felt a little like an ice queen because it wasn't emotional for me like it was for them and they tended to "pick me apart" a little.....talking about what traits they thought came from them and such. I didn't really have any expectations, as I've told some of you before, I did this for them, not for myself. I was expecting to maybe see some similarities physically but honestly, I didn't see it. In some ways, it made me a little happy. I have always seen myself in my parents and worried that I would see myself in my bmom/bfamily which I felt might take something away from that. It really didn't though. If anything, meeting them solidified my place in my family. I have always believed that I was right where I was supposed to be and now I know for sure.

I told them that I would like to keep in touch and get to know them more and they felt the same so I guess we'll see how it goes. On a not so good note, we found that we know some of the same people so it makes telling my parents about this all the more urgent.

I am so scared it will hurt them. As an adoptive mom (hate that term...) myself, I know what it feels like for people to constantly make you feel invalid as a mother. It's hurtful enough to see other people make my mom feel bad by reminding her that she's not my "real" mom (whatever the hell that means..) but to actually be the one to make her feel that way makes me sick. I know that deep down, this is the ultimate invalidation to their parenthood. They will be gracious and kind as they always are but inside I'm sure, it will be like a knife. I desperately need them to know that I don't, and never have, needed my bmom and that I was just trying to do the right thing. They will understand and probably be really proud of me for thinking of her, but it will still hurt them to hear it.

Part of me wishes I could take it back just so they won't have to be hurt. Everytime I think about that conversation I want to cry. This is the ONLY part of this whole thing that makes me emotional and I don't know what to do. Help???

[bakerjw]

As an adoptive mother and an adoptee you have a unique perspective on the situation. If in the future your adopted child were to search for their birth mother (assuming that it is not an open adoption) would you want them to feel guilty for wanting to know more about their biological roots? You might be hurt by it but you probably would be understanding if they felt the need to search in the first place.

You said that you were doing this for them but most adoptees do it for themselves first and foremost. As to invalidating the parenting of your adoptive parents, I don't think that is the case at all. A lot of adoptive parents put the guilt trip on us for wanting to know about where we came from and looking for a genetic connection and will use an excuse like that but they need to get a grip and deal with it. They can't fathom what it is like to go to a family function and not look like anyone else there. Especially in a family where there are genetic traits suck as noses, ears, etc...

Reunions are emotional situations to begin with and need to be dealt with slowly. My recommendation is to worry less about what others are going to feel (birth and adopted families) and determine what you want out of the situation. Don't get caught up in pleasing everyone if you aren't getting what you want or need.

Best wishes.

[Dickons]

There is no way that meeting your birth family can take away any of your feelings for your mom and dad, just cannot happen because they are your mom and dad...you have just added to your known family and having a larger family means just that.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Amilynn22]

Bakerjw: We do have an open adoption with my daughter's birthparents. I would be lying if I said it would not hurt me if my daughter "needed" her bmom....I think it would hurt any mom to know you are not enough. In past conversations, my mom has (non-judgmentally) indicated that she did not understand why people felt a need to search for their bparents and I admit I agree with her. I have never had a need....I just always knew that it was the right thing to do. My bmom unselfishly gave me a chance at a great life and I felt like I owed it to her to put her mind at ease that she did the right thing and that I wouldn't change it for anything. I get to tell my parents thank you for making my life wonderful everyday and I felt like she deserved some gratitude as well. My goal was to hopefully give her some peace of mind which I think I accomplished...anything else is just extra. My parents raised me to be compassionate towards others and that was what I was trying to do for my bmom. Learning things about my genetics made little difference in my perspective and it definitely didn't bring about some emotional bond with her.

Unlike other adoptee's I have never felt out of place or like I didn't share traits with my family. We actually do have some of the same physical traits which I love! Maybe other people don't see it but we do. I didn't see myself in my bmom....there was nothing familiar there. I don't know why looking like someone is so important. Adoptee's fail to realize that it didn't matter to your parents that you don't look like them so why should it matter to you that they don't look like you. It's a two way street. My parents have never pointed out our differences so why would I do that to them. Sorry, I'm getting a little defensive....it just bugs me. It would never be acceptable for an adoptive parent to say...I wish I had bio kids so they would look like me. So why is it acceptable to say that to adoptive parents?

Dickons: My fear is not that it would ACTUALLY take away from my feelings for my parents but that they would perceive it that way. NOTHING could change the love I have for them and sometimes I think I love them more than a biokid would bc they wanted me so badly and I was blessed to have them beyond all imagination.

I really am just trying to protect them as I always have. This is first time I have ever withheld something big from them and I feel very guilty about it. My parents would NEVER do or say anything (and never have) to make me feel bad about this but I know it will hurt and I have never been the one to hurt them before. I hope more than anything that it solidifies our relationship to know that we are enough for each other and that everything else is extra. I just need to find a way to make them feel secure as I proceed to drop the bomb......

[portlowski]

I am an amom on an open adoption. My son is very young...almost 3 years old. At first, I felt very threatened by the connection he had with his birthmom, even though I felt it was best for him to have an open adoption with her. As time has gone on, I have come to see that we both play very different but very vital roles in his life. His need for her is not a rejection of me. Your mom might not see it that way..you might not even see it that way, but it is what I believe to be true. Being curious about your biological roots and wanting to know something of your birthfamily and their stories does not negate your life experiences and love and connection with your family. I hope your mom can come to undersdtand that by allowing you to walk your own path in reunion (whatever that path may be) she is showing the trust she has in your bond with her.

I wish you all the very best.

[St3v3n]

Just be up-front and tell your parents all the things you've told us here, including the reasons why you met with your bmom. Also tell them how it made you even more certain that you are in the right family for you. Unless there's some dynamic we don't know about, they'll understand and be happy for you, not hurt.