[cajjj]

I had a very happy, welcoming reunion back in 2007 with birthmom, half sisters, etc. Birthfather not so good. I couldn't stomach to deal with him after I learned what kind of person he was. As far as my birthmother goes, we were talking every day, very similar, almost like a new best friend. Now, on the other hand, my adoptive parents haven't been too happy with the reunion and I don't talk about it much with them at all.

Okay, now as time went on, I am not sure, it's just like I started to see things about bmother that is just so disappointing and aggravating. I dont know if it's subconscious anger or hypercriticism, but then again it's something that annoys me on a deep level no matter who it is. I have tried to encourage her to be a better more productive person, but she would rather whine, and be a total drain on society and the people around her apparently.
Also, she calls my husband when she can't reach me (or this is the excuse why), although I have requested on several occasions for her not to do that. He doesn't mind, but I do not like them talking, and I really don't like that he has ignored my requests not to call him. Yesterday she said to me in response when I yet again requested her NOT to call my husband after she did it AGAIN, she says "I am the parent, you are the child"-- I lost it. I screamed at her "YOU ARE NOT MY PARENT!!!!!!" I mean the nerve, the absolute nerve. She chose to give me away 39 years ago, she gave away that right a LONG time ago. She also chose to give my half sisters who were born after she went on with her life and married, she gave those girls away in custody to their father (they had divorced). I mean, sure how easy is it now that we're all grown and all the hard work and effort and blood sweat and tears that goes into raising your children is over, NOW she wants to be a meddling what she thinks mother figure or something. I mean she LIVES for the drama off of everyone's elses lives, as she doesn't have one of her own. I mean don't get me wrong, I have liked her, she has been kind and supportive of me, but WAY overstepping her bounds. This woman was trying to call me by the name she named me at birth when I first met her, and not by the name I had gone for since I was a month old. I mean how totally disrespectful is that?

She left me a message after we got into it yesterday to never tall her again since she is not my mother, blah blah blah. I've never dealt with such a childish, simple minded, lacking insight individual. I mean her nerve baffles me. She definitely is a little chemically imbalanced (now I know where I get if from >

I am angry and I cannot get this woman to be have sense about the whole matter. I am so disappointed this is happening. I am so disappointed in her being such a dolt sometimes. She started to wear on me when she would constantly call with stupid stuff, problem, after problem, drama, constantly a health problem with her real or imagined, telling me she made a visit to the ER and then apparently wastes her time and everyone else's time and for some stupid reason fails to give the correct info for the DR to diagnose her. I'm like "Why did you do that?" and she's like "I don't know!!" in that irritating whiny, I'm a total idiot voice. I mean what am I or is anyone else supposed to do about this kind of stuff. It was getting to the point I felt like she was the child, I was the parent, and apparently she is like this with everyone. And with all her idiotic stuff her answer is "I don't know!" I was hoping to meet a strong, together woman, and she is one of these people if you aren't careful drain you. I hate it. I really do care about her, but this is ridiculous. This is so childish. She refuses to respect boundaries with me, and acts like this.

[epenn922]

This sounds very difficult. It sounds like your bmom has been acting that way probably her entire life. It seems that people get 'set in their ways' and don't really change too much. You're not going to change her and you probably aren't the first person to be telling her these things.

Set your boundaries and even though she won't respect them, answer the phone when it's convenient for you, respond to e-mails when it's good for you... Your husband may be talking to her out of sympathy.

She's not going to change. You can, unfortunately, only change your reaction to her. I can't imagine how this is -- I'm on the total opposite of the spectrum where my bmom has never uttered a word to me and has spoken to tv stations and newspapers and anyone who wants to speak to her Except me. Sigh -- seems like no middle ground.

[cajjj]

Thanks so much for your response, I appreciate the obectivity of your response, and just basic wisdom. A lady I talk to who I consider a mentor said the exact same thing to me about it, I'm not going to change her. I have got to either come to the point where I can grit my teeth when she does this mind numbing, unnerving, maddening stuff, or say forget it and don't deal with her anymore. And I agree, it does seem like there is no middle ground with this reunion stuff. I'm sorry to hear about that with your birthmother, that's too bad. You deserve more than that. I wonder if someone ever did research on these responses, if this is all common stuff that goes on, like one extreme as well as the other extreme.

[txrnr]

Some say that our bmom's can get stuck at the age of relinquishment, especially when dealing with us. It's certainly not true of all bmom's, but perhaps in your case your Mom it has some truth. Toss in the chemical imbalance issues and I can see how it could be very trying at times.

Good luck!

[BethVA62]

I've had similar experiences with my bdad. Which i think must be easier, for some reason I can get angry at my dad and not worry about it too much, or worry about what i say to him... moreso than the mom.

I've read before about a honeymoon period when we first meet. He and I really hit it off, and are so similar. Well, the honeymoon is over for me, and so many things became plain to see by both of us.

Only he would try to change me, change my children, to live life like he does or he thinks we should, a control thing i guess. I'm 47 for crying out loud.

He said similar things, I am the dad, you're the daughter/child.

I had to remind him that i am not a child, and haven't been one for a very long time, I have my own children, and one of them is an adult..... several times I had to say this. And remind him I will live and think how I please, and neither of us is wrong or right about that, but just different in some small ways. And it is too late for him to try to mold me as if i were a child.

I also had to try to set boundaries, which was met with childlike defiance that he would never admit. <laughing>

Now when i see his behavior that attracts attention, and odd stories trying to trick me on how to think, and lengthy health concern stories, and going thru my children to get to me, I laugh, and so do my kids.

I recognize it, see how childish he is being while he thinks he knows everything, and thinks I can't see right thru him, and i just have to laugh. Sometimes he squirms and gets upset and plays games, but I am still giggling thru it all. I even tease him sometimes. Does'nt affect me a bit, drives him nuts. But I am wearing him down and things have gotten a lot less stressful.

And besides it's just 2 funny

[KittyMay]

I can see where that would be aggravating, it would get to me also, but I think you have to ask yourself the question "does she really know anything different?" No you can't change her, you can only change your expectations of her and the relationship. Seems alot of the things you describe are attention seeking behaviors on her part. Perhaps the rest of the family has enabled these behaviors over the years. Many people who are unstable emotionally seem to naturally have drama and upheaval surround them. I think the key here is to enjoy the relationship with her without allowing yourself to be pulled emotionally into it. These drama's and illnesses could be her way of pulling the spotlight on her. By changing your expectations or reactions you will not feed into it nor will it consume you. Elaine (Epenn922) has a great suggestion of answering the calls and e-mails only when it is convenient for you. Some folks are just naturally "psychic vampires" who suck the life out of you. The best you can do is change your own reactions to her and your expectations. I'd also tell her that respect is earned in adulthood and there is no automatic parent/child relationship because of birthright. Perhaps she is feeling "to familiar" with you and needs to be reminded not to take the relationship for granted. I know my own bmom would never knowingly risk losing me out of her life and I stress the word Knowingly.

[shadow riderer]

As an adoptee, with two BPs, who are both perpetual victims, I so understand your frustration. About 4 years ago, I had a fabulous reunion with Bdad. He told me from the beginning that his wife and her family would try to come between us and cause problems. I got caught up in the honeymoon stage, felt sorry for him, and wanted to be there to help him in his miserable and unhappy situation (his words). I saw the red flags, but ignored them. He, and his wife, seemed to forget that I had a life before reunion, a family before reunion, not to mention responsibilities, and the like. They seemed to be under the impression that the world revolved around them. When reality set in, and they saw my world didn't, and wouldn't, revolve around them, they became angry. Oh, my gosh, the things they would do at that point. I was so unaccustomed to such childish, self absorbed, behavior, not to mention, their blatently obvious attempts at manipulation, that, at times, all I could do was sit back and say, "Did that really just happen? Did they really just do or say that?"

They were both so very predictable in their behavior. After a while, it jus became funny, like Beth said. They would brag about what and expert at "smoke and mirrors" Bdad was, and how he could get anyone to do what he wanted them to. Uhm, hello. Mistake number one; never tell a person you want to control and manipulate that you are a manipulator. Mistake number two: Never try to manipulate and control someone who doesn't need anything from you. I mean, come on. It doesn't take a roket scientist to know that in order to control and manipulate someone, you need something to hold over them. That's just how it works. Think about it. I would listen to them talk about what a smooth and slick operator he thought he was and just shake my head in wonder, because, considering his predictability, I didn't think he was all that slick. I wasn't the only one that saw through them, as I found out wehn I met others of his family. Did he really believe he had everyone fooled?

Oh, how I wanted to help this man, my Bdad, who claimed to be so very unhappy and miserable. I really thought he wanted out of his situation. I wanted to be there to support him. Turns out, he didn't want out. It seems to me now, in hindsight, that he thrived on the constant tension, conflict, and went to some major extremes to creat chaotic situations.

When I put a stop to him dumping his problems on me, had a confrontation whith his wife (one, I believe, he set up), and, basically, set those boundaries, he shut me out, without a word.

When I look back, I see that the relationship was never about a father and daughter reuniting after 40 years. It wasn't about getting to know each other and building a relationship. I don't really know how best to say this, so I'll just say it how it feels. In my reunion with, both, Bmom and Bdad, I felt more like a "thing" than a "person". Hope that makes some sort of sense. Basically, I feel like, when things didn't go my BPs way, they turned and walked away from me...just like they did when I was born.

That might sound a little petty and whiney, but I guess, I am just having one of those days. I feel your pain, C, and understand. It's hard to find out that our BPs aren't the person we had hoped or imagined them to be.

I love my BPs, even after all that has happened. They are welcome to be a part of my life...as long as...they can treat me with respect. C, you aren't alone in how you feel.

[Amandak249]

Yesterday she said to me in response when I yet again requested her NOT to call my husband after she did it AGAIN, she says "I am the parent, you are the child"-- I lost it. I screamed at her "YOU ARE NOT MY PARENT!!!!!!" I mean the nerve, the absolute nerve. She chose to give me away 39 years ago, she gave away that right a LONG time ago. She also chose to give my half sisters who were born after she went on with her life and married, she gave those girls away in custody to their father (they had divorced). I mean, sure how easy is it now that we're all grown and all the hard work and effort and blood sweat and tears that goes into raising your children is over, NOW she wants to be a meddling what she thinks mother figure or something. I mean she LIVES for the drama off of everyone's elses lives, as she doesn't have one of her own. I mean don't get me wrong, I have liked her, she has been kind and supportive of me, but WAY overstepping her bounds. This woman was trying to call me by the name she named me at birth when I first met her, and not by the name I had gone for since I was a month old. I mean how totally disrespectful is that?

Cajj, I totally here you. My birthmother, to this day, signs all of her cards and text messages " love, Mommy." It makes me angry. It makes me feel like my sadness is for nothing. I know that she is the mother who gave birth to me, who took care of me for a month or so, and then relinquished me. I know exactly who she is in my life. But mommy? Nope. You can't give me away, and then when I'm in my 20's come in and insist that I call you mom. You made a choice to relinquish me. I'll be darned if you're going to tell me that my life as an adopted child, which was not always fun, was for nothing-that despite all of our years apart- you're still my mom. You're a birthmother now. I'm an adoptee. I live with my title, with my circumstances- don't disrespect me by refusing to live with yours.


Even my birthfather has boundary issues. It's uncharted territory, Cajj. It can't be easy to look at child who you feel is "yours"- and who is your biological offspring, and not try and parent them, not try and love them and nurture them as if they were still yours. My birthfather once had the audacity to tell me

" They raised you, but you're mine."


That is wrong to me on so many levels, but what could I do? I love him. I care about him. He has hurt me in SO MANY WAYS. Lord my reunion has been the most painful experience of my life. But I chose it and I live with it and I care about my birthfather. So I tell him,

" I don't agree. I feel like I am theirs. They feel like I am theirs. I AM theirs."


It's easy to get angry, to feel resentful. Your birthmother sounds a lot like my birthparents in some ways. I know how hard it can be. But don't let the insecurity become contagious. YOU know who you are , and who you are in regards to your family and what you mean to them.

I know it's hard, but you might just have to allow your birthmother to have her skewed opinion. If you're not willing to deal with that, you may have to take a good hard look at your reunion and determine if it's worth the evident aggravation. Can you continue to love someone who seems to invalidate you? Who cannot cope with her place in your life?

I've learned to. It's taken me many years. It's taken me a lot of hours of therapy. It never feels good, it just re-instills the knowledge that the life I've come to love has not come without cost. My birthfamily will always feel the loss, I will always feel it too.


I would try calmly, and rationally giving her your opinion. Don't do it in a moment of anger. Do it patiently kindly, and let her know that she DOES matter. That she has ALWAYS mattered, and that you love her. Let her know that she HAS a place in your life, an important one, it just isn't quite the one she has dreamed of all these years.

Reunion is not a cure for adoption. It doesn't erase the hurt. For many, it is simply the next step, the next place to go- the way to healing. Your birthmother wants to go back. It's understandable. I sometimes want to go back as well. But let her know that you love her, and with that love you both can only go forward.

[cajjj]

Wow, thanks for the powerful responses on here. It's just what I needed. Thanks for much for taking the time to put your experiences on here and your thoughts. I will come back and add more because there's so much to say in response to your statements, but I wanted to say thanks, and I will be rereading and rereading what you all had to say.

[justinep]

OK, you were right to inform her that she is NOT YOUR MOTHER (am a adoptee myself) second sounds like time to move on totally. After meeting my birth family had a similar experience and as tough as it was decided for my own mental state of mind and health I wrote them all a letter tell them it is best I have no further contact and why. My story is a lot more involved but we don't have any obilgations to our b. families remember they lose that right when they chose to give us up. They are stangers to us and have lived a total different life. We do not need to except them no more then they need to except us. IF it is stressing you out call it quits. You and your family come first and NO one needs the drama and this strangers issues. Bless you best luck

[susie_book]

For all those who've posted about bparents being in deep denial--"I'm the Mommy," etc.--do you think things would have been better if they'd seen you growing up occasionally? I'm wondering whether part of the problem is that they imagined you over the years but never your aparents, just you, in a vacuum, needing them. I am NOT trying to excuse what sounds like really offensive behavior, I'm just genuinely curious.