[Amandak249]

I'm having a rough day today. I have had a tumultuous reunion, though it has by no means failed, and I am currently seeking out and going through a lot of legal mumbo jumbo to contact another sibling of mine, adopted a few years before I was born.

My family and friends to not get it. Why would I search for MORE people from my past when the ones I know have been difficult to deal with? I have a wonderful , fulfilling and amazing life. I finally have some peace with the craziness regarding my biological family. Why would I look for one more person, they want to know?


I can't explain it. I can't explain the need to know my sister. I am 23 years old and she is 27 and I just want to know her. She wants to know me too. We are currently both undergoing the mandatory few therapy sessions required by our state to finally "meet."



What , in your opinions, drives us to want to know? Even if it hasn't all been pretty, even if we don't find total beauty on the other side, even if we are dissappointed, how can we ever explain our desire to know the truth, the whole truth?

I am sad today, I don't know how to explain my thought process. In any other situation it seems so obsurd. But for me this feels right. Maybe this sister, who was lucky enough to be adopted out as I was, will finally be the person in my biological family who I can relate to, who I can share with, who I am love and be loved by. I have such a wonderful family, why am I motivated to find someone else as well?

Sometimes I feel like I'm crazy to keep trying.

[zxczxcasdasd]

You're not crazy and I don't think you need to justify yourself to anyone regarding your desire to find your sister, or anyone else you wish to find.

I don't think having a good family has anything to do with it for most people. If a loving family filled every relational need, why would we seek out friends, romances, etc? Every person we choose to bring into our lives brings something different, and I think every person, including adoptees, has the right to sovereignty in their own lives regarding their relationships of any and every kind.


I'm not an adoptee, but it's much harder for me to imagine NOT wanting to know, than it is to imagine wanting to know for myself whatever there was to know. I know that however hard it is for me to deal with all the aspects of J's reunion, it's 10x harder for him. The very least he, and you, and all adoptees deserve is at least the right to feel free to proceed in your lives as you wish and to choose for yourself who is in it, without needing to justify it to anyone.

[bakerjw]

To look at someones face and say "wow. We look alike."

And to people who don't understand tell them to go get adopted sometime. It puts our situation in perspective. It is something that they cannot do and something that they cannot understand.

I am doing it because my hope is that I will recognize my birth mothers voice when I hear it again. I wasn't given up at birth so I should know it. I guess its that hope that a small spark of those memories remain.

[meghann]

Adoptive parent chiming in here.

You're not crazy. You're normal.

The reason the other people in your life don't get it is that they take for granted the connections they have with their biological families by virtue of having been raised in them.

I was raised in my family of origin. Many of them are nuts, and drive me nuts, and sometimes I come home from family functions swearing I'm never dealing with So-and-so again. But I do, because I love them and because we have that connection.

I'll bet there is crazymaking in your adoptive family, too. Best I can tell, there's crazymaking in every family. If we didn't deal with the people in our families who are difficult to deal with, we'd be stuck by ourselves with maybe one favourite aunt.

I hope your relationship with your sister turns out to be everything you want it to be.

[SWGAgirl]

Amanda-

As response to your family and friends' question of why do you need to know.........ask them to explain how it feels to be non-adopted. I bet they would have the same difficulty explaining that to you as we do explaining how it feels to be adopted to them. The truth is- we will never understand what it feels like to be non- adopted and they will never understand what it feels like to be adopted.

I get so sick of having to justify why we need to know our biological families. We shouldn't have to justify it. I love how non- adopted people tell us- well you should be grateful you have had such a wonderful life- that should be enough. They are never going to understand.
They have never been without the basic information we lack.

It's too bad they can't just say- Good luck and I hope it goes well for you.......and accept our need to know whether they understand it or not.

Hope all goes well for you- and you aren't crazy at all for wanting to know your own sister.

[Dickons]

Amanda,

Some people do not understand because they have never taken the time to think about it in-depth because they have always had the connection.

I do think there is a good meaure of genetic self-preservation that comes forward as we mature and the curiosity becomes a desire or need. It may even be similar in its beginnings to the desire to procreate.

On the surface is also the desire to connect biologically to someone who shares similar personality traits and the ability for greater comfort in sharing your deepest thoughts. The emotional reality lies far below that surface desire to connect.

And perhaps the drive also begins with the need to answer the question of 'who am I?' so that we can answer the question of 'where do I go from here?'.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[KittyMay]

Amanda, At first I thought I was deficient in some way for WANTING to KNOW. Then I found out it is perfectly natural and normal. It's only natural to want to seek out connections with others who share with us our origins. When I started listening to what I wanted and needed to know instead of listening or thinking what others wanted out of me, I did alot better. I then sought out my bfamily and couldn't be happier. It has completed me as a person and validated something inside me as nothing else could have ever. As I made the first call to my bmom, I wanted to hang up, but only because I was constantly weighing the effects on those around me, and not for any other reason. I feel you will grow from the experience, and it most certainly will give you strength. Listen inside of you and know that you are perfectly normal. I wish for you all the answers and peace that you seek.
Kitty

[ripples]

I think it's normal to want to know. I imagine that our subconscious is seeking that part of us that has been lost, seeking explanations for unanswered questions and to somehow 'come to terms' with it all. It's like wondering where one's missing leg went.

In explaining to those who don't quite 'get it', I liken adoptee search to several other situations regarding searching for meaning/causes. 1) why do families of missing persons constantly wonder about their lost loved ones? 2) why do many family members of people who'd died in disasters, 9/11, etc; feel somehow 'compelled' to visit the site of what happened, 3) why do people who've been suddenly dumped by their partners, spouses, boyfriends/girlfriends wonder 'why'? 4) why is the interest in geneology so huge? 5) why do so many people take pride in declaring their ancestral heritage (eg. my family and I are 6th generation descendants from XYZ). 6) why is there so much fanfare (eg. photos, diaries) about documenting the details of when a baby is born, their circumstances, what the experience was like, who was there, who the baby looked like on the day of the birth, etc;.

While I recognize that these 5 examples are still not totally the same as adoption-related search, I think the underlying desire to find answers to unanswered questions are similar.

Many people take for granted what they have until they've lost it. And many just can't understand the deep, visceral need to know parts of their lives that others take for granted.

[richland91]

I don't think I can reassure you except to tell you I'm 55 and have had about the same emotions. I haven't been able to explain it to my half sister. She grew up with three siblings. I was placed for adoption before she was born. I think I am our mother's second child. Sibling thinks I should just leave it alone. No, we aren't crazy, but we just seek closure.

[rpctmc]

You are not crazy. It is normal to have a desire and curiosity about your bio family. You are correct, you may have a different connection with her. Don't give up. I am an adoptive Mom and hope to help my children through these difficult emotions one day.

[JustPeachy]

There is nothing wrong with you Amanda! Amanda, I am not adopted, but I never knew anyone from my maternal grandfather's side of the family. My mother didn't even know her dad, and most of his family, as he died when she was a baby, and his entire family had disowned him, save for two aunts. I've always had a fascination with this side of the family. My mom has a half sister she only met once as a child, so I have an aunt out there (assuming she is living) that I never knew. I have thought a lot about trying to do some geneological research and maybe making some connections with that side of my family. I've always felt something missing that I didn't know anyone from that side. I think it's just a normal feeling for many people to want to know where they come from and who they are connected to biologically. Those who don't have this desire, or were not adopted, or in any other way separated from family, just won't get it. But I say, who cares what they think? It's your life and your desire to seek out these relationships, and you have every right to do so.

[luckypenny]

Dear Amanda,
I am adopted by one parent (bmother and afather), but I get it!!!

I went on a search for my bfather in 1998. We've been friends ever since. Bless you as you find more connections in your many-faceted family!

-Another Amanda

[Amandak249]

THANKS GUYS! I just needed that reassurance. I know I'm not crazy, but my family's reasoning is so compelling! I can't explain my need to know- and you're all right- I shouldn't have too!

My whole family supports me, they've even helped me out! Both my parents are pyschiatrists and when it turned out that I needed to complete one hour of therapy to meet my sister, they immediately hooked me up with one of their coworkers, and I got an appointment free of charge the next day. They are always helping me- but they don't 100% agree with what I'm doing. They think I'm a little crazy for wanting to know anyone else biologically related to me, when the ones I've found have been so.... troubling in many ways.


I hope my sister, as she was adopted as well, has grown up in a stable loving environment and that she has been loved. She's 26 now, and I'm only a few years behind her. I hope we can connect. I will hopefully be waiting only a few more days/weeks now. I've been waiting for so long.

[crick]

Looking at it from a parent point of view I too might question the "why put yourself in more situations of rejection or hard relationships". Not from a standpoint of questioning why you'd want to know your history or that part, but as a parent, we don't like seeing our children hurt. And if our children seek out what we feel might hurt them again, we might ask the "why". kwim?

It's clear they support you and they help you and I don't know of any situation really where a parent is necessarily going to always agree with something 100%, but we know if it's important to our kids, it's important to US. (even if we question...)

Just a thought on where they might be coming from...

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by crick

Looking at it from a parent point of view I too might question the "why put yourself in more situations of rejection or hard relationships". Not from a standpoint of questioning why you'd want to know your history or that part, but as a parent, we don't like seeing our children hurt. And if our children seek out what we feel might hurt them again, we might ask the "why". kwim?

It's clear they support you and they help you and I don't know of any situation really where a parent is necessarily going to always agree with something 100%, but we know if it's important to our kids, it's important to US. (even if we question...)

Just a thought on where they might be coming from...

Crick,

I cna certianly understand that kind of feeling from aprents but the fact that your parents might think your crazy and lack the understandingcan be hard.

I think it might be the same as when a young potential adoptive parents hears from
'thier parents how adoption may not be good for them, how its not the same as, how its taking on other peoles problems. The potential adoptive parents become hurt and resentful and feel misunderstood about how they want to make a family. the only differnce here is that this involves the person that actually is the family.