[nutella229]

Hi all - I'm new to the forum.

I've been on a crazy journey, as all of you have been, to make contact with family.

I was adopted by my step father without any knowledge of my birth father. I actually met him when I was about 5 twice and didn't know exactly who he was until much later. I had a family friend who is still in brief contact with my BF (he told me that my BF was interested in making contact with me) and I don't know if I offended him, but he no longer speaks to me...

Last Christmas, I found an email linked to my BF's wife. I sent her an email - she told me I contacted the wrong person.

About 3 months ago I received confirmation that it was indeed her email ... along with a phone number and mailing address. SO I sent a restricted certified letter to the address. I just got it back "unclaimed". My thought is that his wife got the notice and never notified my BF.

Today I found my BF's Facebook account, sent her an email and I was blocked access.

I'm crushed that she is not being supportive.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Do you make contact yourself or has someone made contact for you (ala "The Locator" style...)? I came so close to give up now.

PS - yes I've tried looking for HIM specifically on social sites and nothing. I have tried calling with a blocked number but he never answers! lol I've also found a sister - she's 15... but I'm pretty positive that she does not have knowledge of me. I didn't want to disturb her life - that's a big shock. Plus she'd probably tell her mother...

HELP (please

[BlackSheep]

Nutella-
Welcome to the forums!

I agree, don't give up! You deserve to know your bfather and he deserves to know you.

I have never made first contact, but had a 3rd party make initial contact. With bmom, it was a CI (confidential intermediary) and when I found bdad on the internet, my dh called for me, first to make sure it was the correct person and second, to find out if he wanted contact.

Maybe you can find a neutral 3rd party to contact him on your behalf? Even a minister if you are a member of a church, but it needs to be someone you have absolute trust in as they are representing you and your interests but need to also know when to not push the issue too far.

Good luck on this and keep posting to keep us updated.

[nutella229]

Hi BlackSheep - thanks for the welcome.


I was thinking about having my mother in law call. I think she would be perfect. My only concern is if my mother in law calls my BF's house, she wouldn't be able to leave a message - the wife will delete it. And also if he doesn't answer - that wouldn't be good.

I think that she is a home maker... when I've tried calling before - she would answer. That's where my theory of the certified letter came about.

The other downer to this problem - distance. I'm in New York, he's in Texas. If he was local, I would have gone over there to try to catch him mowing the lawn or something LOL.

But I appreciate the support. I really need it !

[D28Bob]

Your situation is similar to mine. I had to use a CI to identify and locate my BF, who was still living at 83! Both times she called, his wife answered and was very suspicious and appeared to be domineering; my CI had to keep insisting this was a personal call. He had never told his family about me, though he acknowledged to my CI that he knew my birthmom surrendered their son.

I tried calling his home a month or so ago and again the wife answered. She was belligerent that I would find out nothing from him and would not let me speak to him. I'm pretty sure she is a greedy sort and fears I want money or blackmail or something like that. At least she knew about me by then - when I gave my name she immediately knew who I was, so apparently there was some family powwow over what to do about Dear Old Dad's bastard son. I felt like telling her to butt out, that this was between him and myself, but held my anger in check.

Since I'm no longer a secret, rather than knock on their door and be named in a million dollar lawsuit (like in New Jersey) I've decided to petition the court of my adoption to make my request for information from him. Let his wife try to ignore an officer of the court!

My birth mother is unfortunately in a similar mood. Though she is not married, she too finds it too painful to "go back there."

If birth parents think this is so painful for them to revisit, what do they think we feel?

Good luck. The feelings of rejection can be devastating for a while, but just keep taking deep breaths - life will go on. At least I feel I'm the adult here who has become strong enough to face the truth, even if my birth parents are still trapped in their shame and guilt and cannot.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by nutella229

SO I sent a restricted certified letter to the address. I just got it back "unclaimed". My thought is that his wife got the notice and never notified my BF.

I thought that it's illegal for people (i.e. your BF's wife) to mess/interfere with other people's (i.e. your BF) mail, especially if it's a certified letter?

And I wonder why your BF's wife is using your BF's Facebook account? Are you sure that it's your BF's wife, and not your BF, who's been blocking your access? A recent community campaign in Australia about domestic violence noted that partners who closely monitor their partner's mail, contacts, etc; may be verging on the side of abusive, controlling behavior.

You'd mentioned that a family friend is still in brief contact with your BF. Is it possible for you to mention your difficulties in reaching your BF to the family friend and ask if your BF can advise on how best to reach you BF directly, without interception from his wife? Would this family friend be willing to pass on a message to your BF - perhaps that way you'd be able to make sure that at least your BF is receiving your communiques.

In other words, I think it's important that you discern whether or not your BF knows that you're trying to reach him versus your BF's wife blocking all your contact attempts without your BF's knowledge. Or is your BF actually receiving your communiques and he's having his wife do the declining for him? Or perhaps he was the actually the one who'd sent the letter back? If it's either of the last two possibilities, then I'd guess your BF is needing time to digest things.

I know it must be very frustrating on your side, to say the least, to not hear back from your BF. However, having also been on the other side (the person who's being pursued) and being constantly contacted even 'tho I'd indicated directly several times that I don't want contact at this time, I do know that constantly being pursued feels like one's being stalked and harassed.

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by D28Bob

If birth parents think this is so painful for them to revisit, what do they think we feel?

D2Bob,

I just had to comment on how powerful your statement is.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[wishfulthinker]

That was a powerful statement...I think it is very selfish of birthparents to deny contact because it's "too painful". Adoptees are not babies. We are adults with families of our own and we deserve to know our background. As a mother, I could never imagine denying my children. Of course, I've never relinquished a child so I don't know what it's like to be a birth parent. I don't see how it would be possible to bring a baby into this world, relinquish it, and never think about it again.

My husband had kids when we married and I would never come between him and his children. I encourage him to have strong relationships with his children. If he had given up a child and that child came back to contact him, I'd encourage that also. Just because some one was adopted doesn't make them a dirty secret or any less deserving of having a relationship with their family.

All of the secrets and lies really need to stop. It just caused people pain and prohibits family relationships. It doesn't make any sense.

[peregrinerose]

I differ... I think birthparents (and children if they so choose) have the right to privacy... any relationship in life is as strong or as committed as the party that keeps the most distance or contributes the least. That's reality. You can't force any type of relationship. You can't force someone to love, care about, or want to get to know you, and that is 100% their right. Whether it's the child or the birthparent that doesn't want contact, the person that wants the least connection is the deciding factor.

No one 'deserves' or 'has the right' to another person's privacy, ever. If a connection is made, it's a gift, not a right. Life is full of dissappointments, some harder to deal with than others, but that's just the way things work. Getting to the point of acceptance is never easy, but necessary to long term happiness.

[ocracoke]

Peregrinerose,

I think everything you say is accurate but...and there is a but...

I do not think you can force a relationship on someone else. I located my bio mom and eventually I decided I could not maintain a relationship with her. She did not agree with my decision but it was my decision to make. Just as it would have been her decision if she opted to cut it off. However, as an adoptee I have a right to search. I have a right to request information. I have a right to want to know more. I can't force a relationship. But I can ask. Yes it is their privacy. It is also my life. I was not a party to a decision made years ago that forever changed my life. I have a right to understand how my life was formed. Maybe that right will never be realized but I can ask. Her right to privacy does not trump my rights to know. I waited to search until I could accept the possibility that I may never have answers (and despite the fact that I found my bio mom -- she never gave me answers). I think the big issue for Nutella is that her bio father's wife is blocking her from knowledge. What gives this woman any right to do that? If she is doing it on behalf of her husband -- with her husband's permission -- then that should be explained to Nutella. If not, then it is between Nutella and her bio dad.

Samantha -- adult adoptee who searched, found and cut off contact and an adoptive mom of a 4 year old who will support her daughter searching (actually willing to search for her at this time)

[peregrinerose]

Oh, I absolutely agree that adoptees (or bparents) have the right to ask for information, contact, medical information, a relationship of some form, etc. Both parties also need to be respectful, however, if the answer is a firm 'no'. Give contact information, leave the door open should the other party have a change of heart, and find peace in life as it is rather than wallow in the dissappointment.

[Dickons]

Peregrinerose,

Do you not think the the adoptee has the right to his/her family medical history? How can anyone (let alone a parent) believe otherwise?

Part of being an adult is dealing with the past...the good, the bad and the ugly.

Regards,
Dickons

[peregrinerose]

I believe that it's the right and reasonable thing to do for a bparent and child to exchange medical histories, but not a basic human right for that exchange to take place if one party is adamantly against sharing... everybody has a different tolerance for what they consider private information they don't want to share with anyone, and they have the right to make that decision for themselves.

Our son knows nothing about his med history, and his bio mom never even revealed the father, so we can't help him with that. He wants to contact her, and we've helped him try to find her with every resource we could possibly dig up, but so far, all we've found is a bunch of disconnected numbers and old addresses. We are encouraging him to ask what he wants to know, but if his bmom says 'no' once she is found, we will also help him handle that dissappointment.

As a doctor myself, of course I'd like to know our son's medical history, but I'm also well aware that his life won't be any different from a practical stance whether it's known or not as we are very good with preventative care for him.... it's not the end of the world if his medical history remains unknown.

Edited to add: I disagree that part of being an adult is dealing with the past.... I believe that part of being an adult is to learn to stop dwelling on the past and instead pave the way for a strong future.

[ocracoke]

I am glad to hear that you are supportive of your child. It is key, I think. But you say ... "but I'm also well aware that his life won't be any different from a practical stance whether it's known or not as we are very good with preventative care for him." It will be different. It is different for me when I go to a doctor and I am asked medical history with each new doctor. It is different because with a medical history a doctor is more or less willing to do certain tests. It is different because when I tried to get pregnant my doctor wanted to advise on certain genetics traits and couldn't. Preventative care is great but it does not replace a history. Finding out that in my 30's that my bio grandfather had diabetes made my doctors look at my test results differently. I had to lie about my medical history to get a doctor to test my thyroid (well not really a lie -- I told them my mom had recently been diagnosed with hypothyroid -- I just didn't tell them it was my adoptive mom) which allowed me to finally get the medical treatment necessary for me. There are very practical medical issues that will be handled differently with a medical history. Do I have a right to my medical history? I would say yes. But since I am a realist I also understand I won't necessarily get it.

Samantha

[Dickons]

Peregrinerose,

Preventative medicine is not always enough. I just sent you a pm and hope you realize there are always exceptions to every rule.

Regards,
Dickons

[peregrinerose]

I agree with you both... sure, history is nice, it's an added bonus, but it can also send as many red herrings as good information, it's a double edged sword. That's true for all of us, adopted or not.

If you have a doc you feel you need to lie to to get appropriate care, you need a new family doc. Remember that docs are on YOUR pay roll... you pay us. Not the other way around.