[bchase81]

Greetings,

I am new to this website but wanted to share my story and get some advice from people who are familiar with what I am going through.

Seven years ago I decided to get a copy of my pre-adoption birth certificate. I wasn't sure if I would ever do anything with the information but not knowing my bio mom's name or anything else was an incessant nag in the back of my head. When I received the birth certificate I did internet searches but to no avail. I decided against hiring a private investigator and instead have done internet search a couple times a year since then.

Last week I hit the jackpot. I located my bio mom and her kids, first on facebook and then on myspace. All of the information fits perfectly with what I know and the pictures are icing on the cake. It is them.

Now I am faced with what to do with this new knowledge. My adoptive dad has passed away but I am very close to my adoptive mom. While growing up she always told my adoptive brother and I that she would support us 100% if we wanted to try to find our birth families. But in my heart, I know that if I share with her the fact that I searched for and found my bio family, her heart would be broken.

I am pretty sure that I want to contact my bio family but am scared to death. My decision will affect not only me but my bio family and adoptive family and I have to take that into consideration. Right now I am leaning toward contacting them but not telling my adoptive mom. Our family has been through a lot and I can't stand to cause her any pain. Obviously I realize that it could cause even more pain if I don't tell her, establish a relationship with my bio family, and then she finds out. I'm really at a loss as to what to do. If anyone can offer any advice I would greatly appreciate it. Obviously I can't go to my family for advice and my friends don't really know what to say because they don't know what I'm going through.

Thanks.

[bakerjw]

Most of us fear the unknown so I would advise to send a simple letter (if you know her address) and include the postcard that seems to be standard procedure and see what happens.

As for your adopted mom, if she's offered to be 100% supportive than there should be no real reason why she couldn't be involved to some degree. It's obvious that you care strongly about her feelings and based on what you wrote I think that there is a strong enough bond there that she could handle that you did look and possible did find your birth mother.

As you are seeing firsthand, it is a frightening step to take and it'd be nice to have someone there to hold your hand along the way and imho what better person to help than someone who has been involved in your adoption than her? As almost everyone who has gone through this will tell you, it is going to be an emotional roller coaster at best.

Sure she may be hurt a bit, but I think that these things are sometimes better handled out in the open. To some adoptees searching is not important but to others it is something that we have to do.

I am on the flip side of the coin from you. Seven years ago my birth mother tried to contact me and my adopted mom had a fit about it so even though I'd have liked to have had some more time to deal with it I declined contact. If my adopted mom had ever offered to be supportive then I have no idea of how things would have turned out. I can't lament the past but I do know that I wouldn't be waiting for an agency to do all of the leg work for me and dangling a carrot in front me all of the time.

Best wishes and keep us informed of what happens.

[snuffie]

Oh, I know how difficult it all is. I am a reunited adoptee who had all of the what if, what should I do, ...The list goes on and on.

You could try contacting your bfamily first to see if they want contact. If they don't at this time then you wouldn't have to be concerned if you should tell your adoptive family or not. But if they don't want contact then it also will bring up a whole range of feelings and emotions for you too.

If they do want contact - you could take it very slowly. Some of the best reunions evolve over time. With my reunion, I reunited first and then let my adoptive family know. I, too, wasn't sure how they would react. My adoptive parents had both passed away before I found my bmom who sadly had also passed away. But I spoke with one of my bsisters for a couple of weeks before she introduced me to the other 7 siblings.

Some of my adoptive family was very happy for me. Some whom I never expected to react that way. And some were a bit more reserved. One who is also an adoptive mom said she didn't understand my need to search until she researched a bit and then stood behind me. The surprising thing was al most everyone is happy for me except some friends of my aparents. I realized after a while that I will never be able to make people understand or to feel my happiness. And it really doesn't matter. I know what I needed to do no matter what the outcome would have been. I knew I would never have peace if I didn't try.

A counselor who has dealt with adoptee issues may be a good person to speak with before and during your reunion. It also sounds as though your amom will understand.

Please keep me posted and best wishes no matter what you decide!

Snuffie

[sammyhas3]

First let me wish you congrads on finding your bfamily. Now I will till you about what secrets can do to all involved. My birthdaughter was not told she was adopted untill she was 22..... she has a younger brother that was adopted and never told also. Long story and sometime later my oldest son that I raised who is her full sib made contact with her after she would have nothing to do with her bdad and I ..... I was so excited for my boys to know their sister. After some time we started a wonderfull friendship she spent time with us at our home and we had visit with her in hometown........ Her amother knew that she had seen her brothers but not her dad or I .........that went on for some time untill she was about to get married ........ Her amom did not know that we had been having contact ........ daughter not being truthfull the whole time about us was a real shock to me ,,, I thought she had told her in the end I think that not telling the truth has hurt all of us. I say Lay it all out on the table it will help with all involved. I never wanted my daughter lied to and has always been upfront with her about things . I do belive now she see's how one lie from the start can hurt so many people ....... I hope all things turn out for you ...
Pam

[D28Bob]

My only input for you is that we have already lived so much of our lives in the shadows that I cannot stand to have another "secret" relationship. Don't mar your relationship with your adoptive mom by hiding anything from her; tell her what you feel and I think she will surprise you by being honest as well. If you're not ready to take this step alone, then don't. But if the pain of not knowing your origins is real, your adoptive mother will walk beside you; it could strengthen your adult relationship with her.
We adoptees have fears which can be overwhelming. Learning to face them and overcome them is part of becoming our true self. Finding a support group or counselor familiar with adoption issues helps, but your mom is your best support.

[HPTGB]

Oh, do I ever relate to you on this dilemma. Except I never had any mention of support in the event of a search, so you've got that going for you. I'd suppose that she meant it or why would she say it?

Having the same reservations, I spoke to an adopted acquaintance who had done a search herself, and she first broached the subject by informing her birth family that she wanted to do a medical search, and upon their bad reaction, decided to continue the search but keep the adopted parents out of the loop. So maybe that would be a good way to test the water. (I do think it's OK to proceed anyway if you get a bad response, as this is really more about you, not them, and medical information and peace of mind shouldn't take a back seat to other's insecurity, IMO).

My opinion, for what it's worth, is to attempt contact with the birth family first, so if you hit a brick wall, then not having risked the hurt of your Mom when it ended up not going anywhere anyhow is avoided.

When I have asked for advice on this, I was once asked in response "what good can come out of telling them?" (from the adoptive parents perspective). That is what I am stuck contemplating at this point. I can't see any way it will make them feel good. Perhaps others can tell you which path they took and what the results were, I haven't gone there yet.

Good luck, take your time to think it through.

[KittyMay]

I can relate 100%. I am very close with my mom and dad and they always said they would support me. You know what? They did support me. I am flying out next week to meet with my bmom and bsisters and my parents couldn't be happier for me. They have said without my bmom they never would have had the chance to be parents. I am their only child and they even wanted to go with me to thank my bmom in person. (they will go the next trip.. In the past several weeks since my bfamily and I have found each other, my mom has gone through photo's with me of my life and even pointed out the physical features that I share with my bio family. Your mom I'm sure will do the same. I think those negative feelings you are feeling come from within and have to do with loyalty to your afamily and that somehow contacting your bio family will negate the love that you have for your mom. It just isn't so. When you truly love someone you want for them to be happy and if this will make you happy and complete you as a person, share it with her. I really believe you will be pleasantly surprised. My thoughts are with you and please keep us posted here..

[ripples]

Originally Posted by bchase81

While growing up she always told my adoptive brother and I that she would support us 100% if we wanted to try to find our birth families. But in my heart, I know that if I share with her the fact that I searched for and found my bio family, her heart would be broken.

I can understand how you'd have mixed feelings and concerned about how your search would impact you a-mom. I'd still encourage you to search and let your a-mom know that you are searching, that you love your a-mom very much and that your search for your b-mom does not mean that you'll lose your a-mom. I'm a big believer in living a life of truth since secrecy just breeds mistrust - and without trust, we stand on very shakey ground.

[D28Bob]

I agree with Ripples completely. The question I have for you is contained in the quote in her post above; in your heart you know her heart would be broken.

Many of us adoptees have the same feeling, whether true or not. Yes, this is an emotional area which can cause some stress to revisit. But it can also be a way to break down a barrier between adoptee and adoptive parent. Not trusting her with the knowledge that you are searching, that you need to know your origins, also changes your relationship with your mother.

As you pont out, Bchase, if you do establish a relationship with your original parents at some point you will have to tell your mom. Think carefully how she will feel about the fact you could not tell her about it beforehand. Yes, this is a complication and I suspect nothing new to you.

Strengthen your ties with your mom. Let her know your feelings, don't hide them from her. We all are growing and changing each day, and good healthy relationships grow and change with us. Perhaps this is a subject you never felt you could discuss, but this may be the time to open that door and let some sunlight in.

I had very similar feelings myself. Adoption and my origins was the "beast behind the cellar door" that growled whenever anyone came near in my family. Twenty years ago when I began my search, under Missouri law I had to obtain my adoptive parents' consent to proceed. This was very difficult for me to do, to fly to their retirement home in Arizona and explain what I needed to do and why. Yes, it was a painful experience, but their love for me and my children overcame the awkwardness we all felt. After over 30 years of not discussing it, it was time. It led to a new intimacy between my adoptive parents and myself. I only wish they were still alive today to share in my final success in my search; I have found a new appreciation for them as I learn the truth.

My own opinion is that a relationship built upon trust and truth will ultimately be better than one which hides secrets.

Best of luck, and let your heart lead your way.

[susieloo]

Secrets and lies have caused so much anguish in the history of adoption...stay true hon.
This comes from a bmom..runited 13yrs
susie
p.s i have cherished every moment of knowing my daughter. Lots of emotions and hard bits...butwouldnt change a thing.

[seabreeze45]

While this might not sound ethical it is how I contacted my birthfamily six years ago. Once I found out like you that it was a jackpot, and that I knew it was them. I called them and (again not proud of this but it worked) said I was a lawyer looking to find said birthmother in relation to the handling of an estate. In this fashion I know the birthmother would be contacting me and that nobody else would be involved but her and me in this intimate discussion. If any questions are asked by anyone else who would answer the phone I would only say I can legally only discuss the matter with her. Once she got on the phone I then proceeded to say I was a lawyer and that there was a matter in her life that I wanted to discuss in more detail are you able to talk. Luckily she was able to, but if she is not I would advise to ask her a better time to call her. Be that as it may I continued to say this is regarding (and then say your birthday), and that the person you are representing first would just like to thank you for giving yourself life and that you are doing well. She is then going to respond. It will either be positive (which mine was) or it may be negative. Personally once she said she was excited and wanted to meet me I then revealed who I was. I do not think emotionally I would of been able to handle her rejecting me as me, it would be much easier having her reject the lawyer, but that never happened. I realize that this is not the most ethical way but it does protect her life (For all you know her family does not know about you and that could cause a disaester for her), and it at least plants the seed that you know her and that if she wants she can contact you at a later time. Don't know if this helped but its been 6 years and I have lunch with my birth mother everyweek and my birth half brother who also shares my name (I had a different name at birth and it was changed by my adoptive parents) is my best friend we talk daily...

[seabreeze45]

On the subject of your adoptive family I would not tell them for a few years, until you get comfortable with your birthfamily. I always say the mother and father that raised you is your mother and father. Don't put them through unnecessary pain...