[Amandak249]

I have 9 biological siblings. Many of you know that I have been in reunion for almost 10 years with my biological family, and that my relationship with my 16 year old youngest sister has been rocky at best, and pure hell at it's worst. I had to end my reunion a few months ago, to give her time to grow up, and to give my birthfather and his family time to figure out what they want. In the mean time, I have regained contact with another sister of mine, M, who will be 27 this September. She has children of her own, and needless to say is far more mature and we've had a great on and off relationship since I was about 10. I move around a lot ( internationally) and it's been hard to keep in touch. Anyway, there is another sister of mine who was also placed for adoption back in 83'. My birthsister, M, had contact with her a few years back, but it fizzled out because M had children works full time,.

This other birthsister, "S" is 25 now, and I am in the process of contacting her through the Dallas Catholic Charities( just as my other birthsister had a few years ago). I have to send notorized copies of my TPR (terminal of parental rights) papers from my own adoption, as well as other court records indicating that I am who I say I am in regard to my biological family. I also have been told to send over a letter, explaining my motives and desires to my sister. I have drafted a copy, but I'm not sure if it's too much information , or too little.

I aimed to tell her a bit about myself, my life and my interests, as well as explain my motives for contact. I also wanted to stress to her that having a relationship with me does NOT mean that she has to go ahead and have a full on reunion with our birthfamily. I have known them all for years, but she has not, and I want her to know that we are NOT one and the same, and that she is free to do as she pleases as far as contact with them.


Anyway, here's a copy of the letter. I haven't sent it yet, so I'm open to any and all revision suggestions.



Stephanie,

I have waited a long time to contact you. I’ve known for almost 10 years know that I had siblings, and although I have an older brother whom I love dearly (Matthew), I longed to meet my biological siblings. I too was adopted, and we share a birthmother. I was born September 11th 19**, I joined my family in Brooklyn New York in the winter of 19**, and I’ve been happy ever since. I love my family, and nothing can ever replace them, but since I was little there has been something inside me that wanted to know more. When I was younger, I didn’t want to give biology any credit- my parents and my family have influenced the person that I have become, and I didn’t want to attribute any of my nicer qualities to my birthfamily- whom I often feel have done very little for me in my life. As I got older, I realized that I am, in fact, made up of four people. My birthparents and my adoptive parents. I see myself in all four of them, and this has been a beautiful, if somewhat sad, realization. I’ve had a relationship with both of my birthparents for nearly 10 years now, as well as few of my siblings. One of who, M, I think you have had contact with before. The experience of reunion has been both a blessing and a burden, as reunions often are. I’ve discovered so many things about my past, about my heritage, and about who I am.

I love the arts- fine art, music, theatre, graphic design, and literature. I also love Italian (which I'm studying at University.) I’ve lived abroad before (in Italy), and am fluent in Italian and Spanish. I love to learn about new cultures, travel, and spend time with my friends and family. I have friends all over the world, from Bolivia Germany, Honduras to Sicily, and I keep in touch with almost all of them. I’ve known my best friend Erica since elementary school, and though I’ve lived in three different states and two different countries since meeting her, we still manage to talk everyday .I take my relationships seriously, and I keep my friendships a long time. I also like animals, particularly dogs. I have a West Highland White Terrier named Skipper, whom I’ve had since elementary school, and I think he’s just fabulous.

I am secure in my place within my family, and I hope that you are as well. I have a great relationship with my parents, brother, nephews, grandparents, and cousins. My parents are wonderful, amazing people who support me in everything that I do, including contacting you. They are just as curious as I am.

I am writing this letter in the hopes that you are as curious about me as I am about you. I want to know about your life, what you look like, how you dress, what your interests are, and what you’re passionate about. We have more in common than you might think. We share blood, a birthmother, as well as a familial past- but we also share an experience.

I want you to know that having a relationship with me does NOT mean that you have to have any sort of contact with any of our other birth relatives. I am a completely separate person, in a completely separate part of the country. I will never give them any information about you unless you ask me to. Knowing me will not mean that you have to know them, if that’s how you want it. I have no idea what your thoughts are on the issue, but I just wanted to let you know. You are free to do whatever you want at your own pace-the biological relatives and I are not a package deal. I am happy to give you any information that you want about our other siblings, or our birthmother, but know that I am an adoptee myself, and would never want to feel pressured into anything, or given information that I was not ready to hear. I am a biological sister, but not necessarily a member of the birthfamily. Any potential relationship we have can be as inclusive or as exclusive as you want.

I would love to exchange letters, phone calls, instant messages, or even meet face to face. I would love a friendship- whether it is through the postal system, over facebook, on the phone, or in person. I am open to whatever level of contact you’re comfortable with. I live in New York, so there will always be a time difference, and miles and miles of road between us, but I’m hoping to bridge that distance. This letter, for me, is the beginning of that.

I’ve enclosed my email address, land addressas well as my cell phone and house phone number. Feel free to contact me whenever you’d like. I hope that you will want to know me as much as I want to know you. We’ve never been sisters before, and I don’t know that we’ll ever be. But I’d love to be your friend.

[paigeturner]

Amanda,

I want you to be MY sister!!! You sound so awesome!

You're letter is very nice. I like it a lot.

Please keep us posted of the outcome.

[Amandak249]

Paige- I often feel the same sentiments. You read tons of posts on this website, about reconnecting and reunion and letters of contact, etc. And it's so heartbreaking to see how great people don't get the contact they want,etc. There are plenty of birtmothers here who I wish were my birthmother, in the sense that they are awesome, mature, people. Some of these birth mothers are not in reunion becuase their placed children have refused contact, and I just want to shake those kids a little bit and say:

" DO YOU KNOW HOW LUCKY YOU ARE???!"

It's too bad. It makes me sad that some people don't know how great they could have it. It's a shame some of us here on these forums couldn't connect.


Thanks for your compliment Paige, I only pray that my bsister will feel the same way, and will want to know me.

[Dickons]

Amanda,

Everything Paige said and more...an incredible letter and who would not want to meet you and be your friend.

I know the fear of making the first contact and it is such a time of high emotions, wanting, waiting for the phone to ring, the post man, checking the emails...hopes and dreams...I wish you nothing but positive outcomes.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[paigeturner]

Amanda,

I hear you on this. I’ve been searching for several years now for my son. The main reason I started actively searching was because my daughters really want to know their older brother - I didn't feel entitled to search for him before that. My youngest asked for a brother from the time she could talk. She begged for a brother; she yearned for a brother. When I shared with them that they had a half-brother that I’d placed for adoption before they were born her response was, “I knew I was suppose to have a brother! I KNEW it!”

My daughters have grown into wonderful women; anyone would be privileged to know them. I live in fear that if/when we locate him that he will reject them. I worry about their feelings far more than I worry about rejection for myself.

I often read the stories on here from the members of the triad who faced rejection from a bio-family member and I wonder why those doing the rejecting don’t have enough room in their hearts for more people to care about them. I understand that reunion is an emotional, difficult and complicated time. I understand the need to take it slow. But, can’t all of use more friends? Can’t all of us benefit from having more people to care?

I wish you great luck in your reunion with your sister. I can’t imagine that anyone wouldn’t read your wonderful letter and immediately pick up the phone or tap out on email!

[Amandak249]

I really hope you are right. I must admit that I fear rejection. I know it won't be personal- how could it be? She's never met me! I also have to do this whole ordeal through the Catholic Charities of Dallas, which makes me uneasy. The woman I spoke to told me that once I send in all ofm yinformation, she'll look up my sisters file and if it says that she is allowed to contact her, she willl give her a call and let her know that she has another sibling looking for her.


And then of course, we play the waiting game. If her file says " no contact" ( which I can't imagine it does because my other sister M got in touch with her a few years back..) I will have to really start searching on my own. I've done a few things privately here and there,but nothing intense.


I hope she is willing to get to know me.

[Amandak249]

I'm going to the bank tomorrow to get all of my paperwork notarized ( needed to get into contact) and I'm sending out everything, including the letter, tomorrow afternoon! Wish me luck! I'll keep everyone posted

[paigeturner]

Good luck! Hang in there and please keep us posted!!!

[Amandak249]

I got a call from the woman at Catholic Charities at 5 today, and I MISSED THE CALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I was in the shower. Darn it.



I almost died haha. I could have kicked myself. The woman left a message saying

"This is Linda********, at 123- 456-7891. Give me a call back."


Of course I did, but the office was closed for the evening. I left her a message asking her to please call me back in the morning . If by the time I wake up she hasn't called- I'll call her

WISH ME LUCK!!!!! I'm so afraid for tomorrow.....so nervous.

[paigeturner]

Good luck!!!!!

[Amandak249]

I received the call this morning at 10:00.

My sister is not only excited to meet me, she is SURPRISED that she has any other siblings. I don't know how to tell her that she has 7 other siblings haha! (I don't think I will-not right away.) Not one of those siblings has remained with biomom- they are all in foster care or have been adopted out or are living with their biodads( in one girl's case)


Sister has to send in some paperwork to the charity- and then she will receive my letter.And then...who knows? I gave her all my contact info,so hopefully she'll contact me directly and we wont have to go through the agency much longer (we're both consenting adults!)

I am on cloud nine, even though I know this will not be an easy journey.

I have many many siblings- but I've never had a sister. Dare I hope that because she was adopted just as I was, that she will be the person I will finally have a healthy relationship with?

[Dickons]

Congratulations!!! How wonderful, hope it all works out!

Kind regards,
Dickons

[Amandak249]

I got a call from the Catholic Charities yesterday. The social worker told me that my sister got my letter,l oved it, and has written back. My sisters letter should arrive at my house Monday or Tuesday (according to the SW)


so.. I'm waiting!!!! Waiting and stalking the mailman!

I'll keep you guys updated..it'll be the first sort of contact ever with my sister! Even if it is only a letter that's been pre opened by the Catholic Charity !!!

[bakerjw]

Yay!
I am so glad for you and you know that I understand.
John

[SWGAgirl]

That is FABULOUS!!!!! So happy to hear this. Let us hear how it all goes!!!!!!