[cajjj]

To get started, I had a reunion with my birthmother in 2007. I had been adopted through Catholic Charities and had gone through the process of initiating contact, and waited for that day to come when my birthmother contacted them. Well, one day I did get the call and I was estactic to say the least. Not only my birthmother had written a nice letter to CC, but my half sister as well. I'll never forget that day finding out from Catholic Charities I had two sisters, something I'd always wanted, a sister. (I later went on to find out I had two more half sisters on my birthfather's side). I can't tell you the elation and excitement and everything else I felt when that first info and contact was made.

My birthmother and I initially talked on the phone, and I had so many questions for her. She is a very kind lady, and it was a generally wonderful reunion.
I remember when she told me she had a German Shepherd dog, and my two sisters did too, when I was telling her about how back in 2004 I had for some reason just gotten some fascination out of the blue for German Sheperd dogs and just had to have one, much to the disagreement of my then husband. I just thought that was so neat. All you adult adoptees know that strangeness of not being the true blood family with their idiosyncrosies and traits passed on that you distinctly don't have. We can be like little islands to ourselves so to to speak, so that little tidbit was fascinating to me, the fact that all three of them had German Shepherds and here I was, not knowing any of them, just with this strange urge to get a German Shepherd.

I remember I couldn't believe it was really HER. I had a hard time at first actually accepting it was my actual birthfamily. Catholic Charities assured me that they were positive they had the right match, and this was the right people. You know, when you've led a life as a closed adoption adoptee it's hard to just accept those things as facts. (I had even suggested to my birthmother later about a DNA test, just to make sure, which she became highly upset about).

So anyway, she and I talked on the phone alot. I went through a horrible emotional rollercoaster once that door was opened that I was not prepared for, and had no idea I would react to the reunion in such a way. I had times of thankfulness and happiness about meeting them, to this anger of never knowing my heritage, my siblings, etc, etc.
We met in person, as well as my sisters. I have visited on a few occasions (I live out of state right now so it makes it hard to see them more often). She and I have developed a fairly good and actually rather close relationship, but it's a strange journey this adoption reunion thing.

I had a lot of conflicting emotions, and to this day I still do. One thing I just can't seem to get over is the fact is she has never said "I'm sorry". I think maybe deep down she does have regrets. I know she told me the day we first talked on the phone she ended up just having a meltdown and bawled on the phone to her sister, so I guess there was some hurts and regrets on her part, but I think she has a wall up in that respect. I had asked her if she had thought of me after the adoption and in essence she had said something to the effect that she went on to get married (she later divorced but married again) and had two more daughters basically I was out of her mind. Now that hurt. I still can't come to terms sometimes with it all, maybe for the fact my adoptive mom and I have a HORRIBLE relationship. I love my parents very much, I am closer to my Dad, but my mom and I have never been close. She's always been hypercritical of me and we just weren't close like some mother/daughter relationships, at times she's been downright emotionally abusive at me, but oh well, there are worse things in life. My birthmother and I on the other hand for the most part really get along. But I think I have all these undercurrents of anger and hurts, maybe in part to some of the stuff I've been subjected to by my adoptive mom. Not horrible abusive stuff, but some negative stuff. It really all surfaced when we first met, but then it went away and I thought I had made my peace with it all, but now the anger is really resurfacing due to many factors which I could go on and on about. Some of it is she refuses to take any form of responsibility that she got pregnant in the first place, it's all HIS fault. I mean that's just immature. I can't deal with people not just being honest with themselves and others. I need to add to this later, there's just so much to say. It's just her whole me, me, me outlook about it all, no matter how I must feel as an adoptee.

As a mother I cannot fathom giving up one of my own. She went on two have two more girls but after divorcing their father she let him talk into giving him physical custody of her girls. She was a single mother struggling with two girls, but still. I was a single mother two, and I made a way. It ended up to where her ex husband kept her from the girls for several years, a real mess. She and the girls are in contact and close now, though, which is good. I really like the woman, but on other aspects I can't respect her choices, especially her choices as a mother. She is married to another man now and has a lot of health problems, which is new to me, as my adoptive family are very healthy and don't carry on about health problems and ailments like my birthmother does, which DRIVES ME CRAZY!!!!

She was 16 when she had me, she had asked her parents to keep me, but they had told her no. This was back in 1969/1970. Her parents are no longer living, they passed away quite some time before meeting her. For some reason I have resentment towards them for that, I mean I just feel like a piece of unwanted trash sometimes, the fact they kind of coerced her into giving their own flesh and blood granddaughter up like that. I know this was a common occurrence back then, I read a whole book about the subject.

Another thing that bothers me is that she reads all the time, because really right now she can't do much else because of her health problems. Although I have expressed some of feelings and requests for her to read up on adoptees and the adoptee experience she has never bothered to do that, which hurts me, and in a way irritates me. She has been caring about me and my life, but she is quite self absorbed about her own experience of my birth/adoption. Never mind the hurts and pain her daughter given away for adoption tries to explain, it's all the she was the innocent lamb victim mentality and how horrible the birth father was, blah, blah, blah, and it's all HIS FAULT she got pregnant in the first place. Well, why did she date the guy then if he was that horrible, why did she repeatedly have unprotected sex with him, until "uh oh, we're pregnant". She is VERY childish and self-absorbed in that aspect of things. It's all about her. Like I said, as much as the woman reads it seems a loving thing to do would try to understand where I'm coming from, because sometimes it's like hitting up against a brick wall with her about some of my adoptee issues. On that aspect I have been quite disappointed. I mean she is generally very, very kind to me on other aspects, but she just becomes sooooo self-absorbed when it comes to the adoption. I guess it would have made me feel better if the woman expressed sincere regrets or just thinking of me every day as I've read some birthmothers did after giving up their children. She pretty much expressed she went on with her life, I was kind of like forgotten so to speak (I guess never actually forgotten), but just totally out the forefront of her mind, and just never had any true regrets about giving me up, which for some reason adds some salt to the wounds so to speak,

Okay, I've said some of my peace, there's more to say, but it would take forever.

I know this has rambled, it's just what I'm experiencing right now. I probably should go to a counselor or something to sort this all out.

[bakerjw]

I can't speak from first hand experience but reunions are roller coasters as anyone who had been through them can tell you.

No one in this world is perfect. I'm not, your birth mother isn't and I'm sure that your not either. I don't say that trying to be argumentative or confrontational, it is just the way things are. The way we deal with it though is to overlook the imperfections in others that we deal with. If we didn't overlook the things that we don't like in other or in ourselves then we live miserable and lonely lives.

I'd say go talk to a counselor as there are some issues to be addressed, anger with your birth mother being one of them. A pregnant 16 year old girl in the late 60's was a shameful thing. Our society was very different back then. Birth mothers were shunned and told to forget about the baby that they put up for adoption. You can't really judge them until you've walked in their shoes.

It is just my opinion but I you consider your birth mother to be immature and self centered but the feeling I get is that it is because it is not all about you.

I'm not trying to be argumentative, it is just that you are in a spot where a lot of us would like to be and may never experience. Just look at the positives and deal with the negatives. If it takes some counseling to get past some of the issues then great! Enjoy the moment. If you can't get past it then move on with your life.

Only trying to help.
Best wishes.

[cajjj]

I know I sounded very negative about my bmom in my post. I'm definitely in an anger mode about the reunion process right now, and needed to vent because I feel desperate to get other adoptees viewpoints and advice to help me out. You can feel very alone when no one around you knows what's it's like what you're going through. It's funny how the anger comes and goes. I thought I had worked through all that, and had gotten a peace about things, but sometimes it all comes surfacing back up, totally unexpected, and I feel guilty about it.

Actually she's a very nice and warm person, and extremely caring to me and my children. She almost oversteps her bounds a little bit, but there are worse things than that I guess, I mean it could be she didn't want to have anything to do with me at all. She truly is a sweet lady to me and we have really grown in a relationship with one another. The reunion process is totally a rollercoaster. My adoptive parents haven't been very happy about my reunion, and at this point. I am praying that will change. I know I did the right thing in meeting my bfamily, it's what I needed to do for myself. I know there are lots of different reactions adoptive parents can have about these things, some more open about it than others. It definitely splits your identity once that door is open. The reunion I know has been an answer to prayer. One day I just got down on my knees and really cried out to the Lord that I would meet my birthfamily, how I was being denied my siblings, and extended family that I had never known, etc. And you know what, within a month of that prayer I got the call from Catholic Charities. I know the Lord answered my prayer about it all, and I feel I've done the right thing in getting in contact with birthfamily.

I guess it would just help if she would make that effort to understand me as an adoptee. There's just something that still makes me feel worthless, like I should have never existed, I was not wanted, not cherished, a piece of trash to be gotten rid of I guess. There is that realization in opposition to the birth of my own cherished precious daughter I had a few months ago, my birth was a sad event, a hush hush thing as it was in those days, I was a big secret, a dark spot, unwanted, and given away. It's like I feel so sorry for that little infant that was me, so long ago, like it was a separate entity from myself, that was just left in a nursery for babies to be adopted, left by it's mother.

My half sister and I got into an argument about it once, when I started going into the this anger mode not soon after meeting everyone. As nice as they all are, I wish one of them would just make that effort to understand adoptees. But oh well, the positives are they have accepted me with open arms and we all are a part of each other's lives now, which is wonderful.

[FallenChild]

I can't help but notice how hyoercritical you are - at the end ofthe day she's your mother, warts and all as it were. I can tell you that she also likely had many unexpected and intense emotions at reunion - no easier for her I am sure as it was/is for you. In any event, we can all find fault in anyone of us if we looked hard enough, and your mother is no doubt no different. You sound particularly hard on her, probably due to all the anger you have for her that surfaced during reunion. It is always easy to judge, but much harder than to wlak in another's shoes.

I wish you the best, FC

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by FallenChild

I can't help but notice how hyoercritical you are - at the end ofthe day she's your mother, warts and all as it were. I can tell you that she also likely had many unexpected and intense emotions at reunion - no easier for her I am sure as it was/is for you. In any event, we can all find fault in anyone of us if we looked hard enough, and your mother is no doubt no different. You sound particularly hard on her, probably due to all the anger you have for her that surfaced during reunion. It is always easy to judge, but much harder than to wlak in another's shoes.

I wish you the best, FC

FC...maybe you need to take your own words anduse them"Its always easy to judge then to walk in anothersshoes"

I don't think your being hypercritical at all...you are trying to work through your own confusion at the situaion you were put into. Its hard!

You have every right to feel anything and it sounds like you have been respectful of your bmother.

I understand the need for your bmom to say sorry...sorry that it had to happen...totally understanding thesituation THEY were put into made them have to give you up..but that does not takeaway from out own feelings of confusio9n..especially at reunion.

Please continue to post your feelings anddon't let anyone slap you into feeling the way THEY think you should feel

[cajjj]

Thanks for your words dpen6. I expect some to have their negative remarks at me, I don't really take any offense. I just wanted to get on here and vent and maybe someone with some wisdom and understanding to give me insight. Yes, I'm in some very hypercritical mode of my birthmother right now, and I don't know why. Actually, even if she wasn't my birthmother I'd still be a little concerned about the rut she's in right now, and she'd still be aggravating me. I care about her as a person, she's generally a very kind person, she just can be rather annoying in some of her ways which can I guess put a few bumps in the road of a reunion relationship.

[snuffie]

Hi
I agree with Dpen that you are definitely trying to work out your own feelings and with that comes anger and hurt. I think it is all part of the "journey" that is reunion.

I have read alot and talked with many birthmoms. In the year you were born, girls were completely ostracized when they became pregnant at such a young age. They couldn't return to high school, they couldn't attend any school functions, the kids were supposed to stay away from them as they were bad influences and shame was brought upon the family. It is hard to imagine all of this because things have changed so drastically. If your bmom went through all of this, it could be very difficult for her to even "go there" with her emotions. Too hard to read about others experiences or to read about what we adoptees go through.

As someone who has had a lot of serious health problems I can understand your bmom. My adoptive family was extremely healthy. But I had health issues all of my life. And in my case, my adoptive parents couldn't understand why I was always sick. When I reunited with my bfamily - it became much more clear. My bmom had some serious health issues too. Its actually helped me because now I can tell doctors what to look for. And it is easy to get in a rut when every day is a struggle.

What we find in reunion is not always what we had hoped. We are all human and don't always make the best choices in our lives.

Your bmom sounds like a good person who is happy to have you in her life. I am so happy for you as my bmom had passed away before I found her. I feel like I know her through what my brothers and sisters have told me. But I would have loved to give her just one hug.

What you are experiencing as far as emotions and anger and all of the rest are so normal - that's why they say reunion is a "roller coaster" ride. And no relationship either adoptive or birthfamily is ever perfect. Our expectations and dreams can collide with reality. It does take a while, but I found in my own case that working through my feelings gave me a better understanding of myself.

Much happiness in your reunion.

Snuffie

[shadow riderer]

It is easy to read something someone has posted out of frustration and anger, and then tell them they should be more understanding and compassionate, especially when you have not walked in a persons shoes or experienced what they are experiencing. The whole story can't be told in one post. You guys say she is being too critical of her Bmom and should have some compassion and understanding that it wasn't easy to give up a child. I think it is safe to say that most all of us (adoptees) can understand that it was not easy for our Bmom. We can understand it was painful and caused issues in their lives that they may never get over. I think most of us can even accept that about our Bparents. Understanding that, accepting that, having compassion for them because of that, doesn't make it any less painful for us. Understanding doesn't make it hurt any less, and it definitely doesn't take the anger away, especially when a birthparent cannot se us (the adoptee) in the situation. It doesn't take away the thought, some of us have that we were just forgotten about. When we reunite and our bparents say they are happy to be found, glad to have us back, so to speak, then continually blame everyone else, the father, their parents, etc., tell you they "just " got on with their lives, refuse to discuss the issues, or worse IMO continually focus on their own pain, with no thought or compassion for what effects their decisions had on we the adoptees, well, IMO, it is only natural that we would be confused, angry, feel insignificant, unwanted, etc. What that says to a person, IMO, is, "Your thoughts and feelings don't matter". When a birthparent never accepts their responsibility in the situation, when they never acknowledge the feelings of the adoptee, say to an adoptee "the past is the past",well, it sort of says to an adoptee "you didn't matter". It sometimes leaves an adoptee feeling like they didn't or don't exist. At that point, who wouldn't say, , "What about me?" Is that selfish? IMO, no more selfish than the Bparent is being.

The adoptee was the one relinquished, not the Bparent. So, where is the compassion and understanding for the adoptee? Who wouldn't be hurt, angery, criticle, when your bparent refuses to acknowledge your feelings, but expects you to be understanding and compassionate towards theirs? A person would have to be a saint to not feel some kind of pain/anger at the Bparent.

The sad fact is that some Bparents never get past their issues. An adoptee can accept that, and even accept the relationship with their bparent for what it is. Acceptance of that doesn't come without a lot of pain, anger, rage, etc. Some of us acknowledge those feelings and work through them. Some of us don't. It matters more to some of us than it does others. Some of us feel those feelings more strongly than others. Please be careful not to be too criticle of someone just expressing their frustration and anger at a situation they are trying to work through. There are two people who need to be understanding and compassionate towards each other. If only one person is doing that, it is, IMO, understandable that sooner or later, someone gets hurt and angry. I know how C feels. I've been there. It's not an easy road to travel, and sometimes there isn't a happy ending; only acceptance of the situation for what it is. Getting there isn't easy.

[cajjj]

Shadowrider, like Charlie Brown in the Charlie Brown Christmas, "THAT'S IT!!!!" You totally said it exactly right, and I really appreciated your post. Sound like you have been there, done that.

I think sometimes maybe as an adoptee I was hoping for some idyllic birth mother who was the perfect person, the perfect mother, but of course in this world there is no perfect being. I know noone is perfect, but it would have really helped if she would exhibit more insight and wisdom pertaining to me and to adoption/adoptee issues, that has been a disappointment and leaves me with my head shaking sometimes. If I try to discuss emotions, whether it be anger, hurt, or anything surrounding my feelings of being an adoptee, most of the time she IMMEDIATELY turns the focus onto her own pity party experience, like she never grew beyond that 16 year old girl, and really not capable of at least trying to have any understanding and maturity of me the adoptee from an objective point of view. It's kind of sad, and a little maddening to deal with.

I can say in all honesty if the roles were reversed I would be reading up on adoptees to better love and understand my child. I do know I read a good book about birthmothers that had to give up their babies when having a baby out of wedlock was such a taboo. I read the book a few years ago, before I had the reunion with her. I just happened to see it on display at the library and checked it out to read. It really opened up some emotions, and it was a very insightful book. I do remember reading how some of the mothers never got over it, and still ached for that child, etc, etc. I guess it would have maybe been nice if she had been like that, but maybe she had to put a shell over her heart, then again, maybe she really did just forget me.
It just leaves me with my mouth open how she can be so lacking in insight and maturity about reaching out beyond her self experience of a 16 year old giving up her baby for adoption and trying to understand my perspective as that baby who was given up by not only her, but her parents, my birthgrandparents, who pretty much insisted she do it. It does serve to create disappointment and dare I say, a little anger?


It's not something to dwell on, maybe with prayer she will come to stop being so self-absorbed about those things. It's been a good reunion in other ways, but in that no.

[D28Bob]

I recently heard another adoptee testify at a legislative hearing that "Of course we adoptees don't come from functional families or we wouldn't have been given away in the first place!" I try to keep that in mind as I wonder why my birth parents (in their 80s now) still refuse to deal with the consequences of their choices 60 years ago. Could it be that our whole society is trapped in old stereotypes of good and bad?
We all try to find ways to cope, and do the best we can to make it though each day. So I don't fault my birth parents for what they did and how they managed to get through the years.
What I do mind is that once I pierced that veil of secrecy, that they refuse to face the truth of my existence. Life is nothing but a series of choices and consequences; my appearance in their lives so many years later gives them an opportunity to make a new outcome but apparently they do not have the will power to accept my reality.

It leaves us adoptees feeling like today's lepers, like birth parents are the only ones whose feelings matter. God forbid that their later spouses, children or friends should know the truth. I have to pity them for their lack of faith that we, their children, are decent human beings.

The only advice I can give you is to not let them control your life by their rejection. Anger only hurts the one feeling it; I try to just feel sorry for my birth families and keep telling myself that I am the only one who can fix my faults, as they are the only ones who can heal their own hurts.

[BlackSheep]

cajjj-

I am an adoptee and a bmom in reunion (all sides). I have the unique perspective of seeing both sides.

I found bmom 15 years ago. The first phone call, first words out of her mouth were, "I'm not your mother, you have a mother, I'm P****". OK, well, at least I had her in my life. By that time, I had been living with the fact that I had relinquished a daughter 11 years before, gotten married and had 2 more children. Through the years, we talked, met and had a relationship, but she would never really "talk" to me, not about my adoption, not about my bdad, etc. Like you, my aparents and I had about the same relationship as you described. Like you also, I was closer to my adad. Well, there came a point when I just "lost it" with my whole life, that was about 2 years ago. Not just my bmom, but everything. We ended up not talking for about 2 years, not because of disagreements or anything, just that we both seemed to fall apart at about the same time. I called her last fall and we picked up the pieces, so to speak. It wasn't until I contacted bdad last Nov that she started to talk to me about him. He came out on the first phone call and told me all about my birth, and what input he had in any decision made--none. Bmom's dad "took care of it".

My bmom can't understand my point of view, but is willing to listen now. She knows that I can relate to much of her hurt, as I lived it too. An adoptee's view is not something one can understand unless they live it. Reading it will not give the insight needed to "get" what you are trying so desperately "needing" your bmom to know. It took 15 years for my bmom to even acknowledge that she was "mom" when in Feb she signed an email "Love, your mom"!

I know the anger, hurt, pain, and the need to forgive, forgive, forgive! Don't expect an apology for anything, it won't come and if it does, it is a bonus! But you don't forgive for the other person, you forgive for yourself!

[cajjj]

Okay, I'm going to be outright honest here. It's refreshing because I know the only people on the face of this earth who understand how I feel are other adoptees, and as I don't know any personally I can talk to, I will vent here. When I first met my bfather, sheeessh, well I'd heard some pretty harsh stuff so I already had my opinions about him. It just proved better for me not to have him a part of my life and to further any relationship with him. I didn't need negative stuff in my life, and so although he and I emailed that's as far as it went, and he just was never honest with himself or me about things concerning me and my coming into being, my adoption, etc. either. He and I clashed like crazy about other things, and eventually I just said that's it, no more contact. I will admit something here and if there is anyone here who can somehow relate that would be great, but somehow if felt vengefully good to shut that door with him, like he chose to just give me up and leave his own blood to whatever, well now it's my turn to do what he did to me 39 years ago, and you know what? it felt good. That's terrible, isn't it??!!!!! But I feel like no matter how hard I try there IS this under current of anger and resentment at being a child just given up like we are objects, not a human being, not their own blood and family. We were just sent off as bastards into the unknown. I mean they never really know who their birthchildren are going to be placed with. I need prayer obviously. Man, adoption is just a wierd thing to deal with if you get down to the depths of it. All in all I love my adoptive family like they were truly blood, and always will. Even if my amom and I have a bad relationship I will ALWAYS consider her my "mom" and noone will ever take her place, no matter how close my bmother and I get. It's nice meeting my bmom, but if she keeps this up I fear that I am going to have that same kind of reaction to her like I did my bfather. I cannot get it through her thick head to think of how the adoptee feels. There's something in me that wants to inflict the same pain on her as she did me, especially with this self absorption she exhibits. Maybe then she will understand what I've tried to express and explain to her. She said no to me many years ago, well now I can say no to her. I just need to pray about it because I know it's terrible to think that way.

I have pain from not actually being my parent's blood children, for all the times I felt out of place at family get together's growing up, etc., etc., etc. and everything else surrounding being adopted, and I'm not sure how to handle all of it. I don't dwell on these things, if it sounds that way. I think her total lack of feeling and desire to understand the feelings of adoptees, her carelessness and selfishness that still continues from the day she carelessly got pregant with me, to the day she gave me up, and to this day exhibits carelessness and selfishness with me in different ways. Unfornately mine was an unfortunate birth, and I will have to deal with all these issues the rest of my life.


"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee." Isaiah 49:15

[cajjj]

Snuffle, I appreciated your post, it was a good post. Actually, I appreciate all the posts. It really helps just to have someone validate and UNDERSTAND how I am feeling, and maybe help me figure out how to get through the tangles.

[MeriMyers]

My experience is similarly disappointing.

My birth mother and I have made contact and spent some time together, unlike you though, my mother never married or had other children.

She has admitted that she gave me up because 'I would cramp her style' (she was 21, so not exactly a teenage pregnancy) and while that did make me a little angry I can understand I suppose and at least she was honest with me, which is all anyone ever wants.

After the reunion initially being quite a positive experience she suddenly stopped making contact and when she does it's because she wants something for herself.

I have had a son since we were reunited and I was very surprised that she came to see us in hospital. I was initially teasing her about being a grandmother, but she said she was uncomfortable with that and I have stopped.

I guess I'm just upset, surprised even that she does not seem to be interested in remaining in contact.

She also hasn't answered any questions about who my father was to her and anything she might know about him.

My way of thinking is that there's nothing I can do to change how she sees me and all I can do is to be here if she wants to be in contact and accept that when she is ready she will come to me. I also believe that she is quite a selfish person and that I am better off because I was brought up by my fabulous adoptive family. They were the right family for me, I just went the long way to get to them

There is nothing that you can do to change how she thinks and behaves, you just need to accept that that's where she's at . She can't think the way you do, she isn't in your shoes, everyone has shortcomings and these are hers. Don't be too harsh on her, she is only human like we all are.

[ripples]

Originally Posted by cajjj

Snuffle, I appreciated your post, it was a good post. Actually, I appreciate all the posts. It really helps just to have someone validate and UNDERSTAND how I am feeling, and maybe help me figure out how to get through the tangles.

cajjj, I'm totally of the belief that for anyone to get through the tangles that first they be able to express/vent all their emotions in a safe place. And it sounds to me that you've begun that by being courageous enough to express your emotions and share them with us here.

Next, I also believe that validation and understanding from others are key towards being able to heal. I totally can relate to all that you've written - while my reunion journey has been different, the range of my emotions and their intensity have been very similar. Having friends, family, health professionals, post-adoption support groups, books and the wonderful people here on these forums have all helped me immensely through validating and understanding what I'm going through.

And I'm sure that your birth mom is going through her own journey of emotional turmoil too.

I'm also of the belief that the pain, anger, etc; may never go away, that these emotions may resurface again and we find ways to cope/handle these emotions when the wave hits.

I encourage you to keep letting your emotions run their full course - I especially found working with a counsellor immensely helpful for this. For me, this venting of my emotions felt similar to (but longer) a long, drawn out tantrum - at first it's full blown intense, exhausting, searingly painful, etc; but eventually it subsides and I feel more at peace.

I hope this helps - there are many here who can relate to and understand what you're going through, including me.