[D28Bob]

Originally Posted by cajjj

But I feel like no matter how hard I try there IS this under current of anger and resentment at being a child just given up like we are objects, not a human being, not their own blood and family. We were just sent off as bastards into the unknown.... Man, adoption is just a weird thing to deal with if you get down to the depths of it.


"Can a woman forget her sucking child, that she should not have compassion on the son of her womb? yea, they may forget, yet will I not forget thee." Isaiah 49:15

Exactly, cajjj. That's part of the roller coaster we ride, trying to find out the circumstances of our origin but knowing so little. My spouse - and my biological children - will never quite grasp what having a series of blank pages at the beginning of our book of life means. Infants are emotional beings, not verbal ones, and we start off scarred by loss and abandonment. No surprise that it surfaces with strong emotions like longing, anger, or grief when as adults we try to dive into the deep waters of our subconscious. Others can help, but it is sometimes terrifying to open that door.

I have been lucky to find other adoptees, and it is amazing how good it feels to meet with people who share this; we connect on a level others cannot, and we help each other through the peaks and valleys not only of searching, but of digesting what we find. I suggest you find a support group - they are widespread - and I think you will be amazed at how much it validates your feelings. And the hugs are great!

[alinev]

Cajjj -

I am not an adoptee but an adoptive mom. If it is any consolation at all, bio children like myself have many, if not all of the same parental issues. Many friends and aquaintences over the years who were raised by their bio families believe that they were unwanted and had selfish parents, myself included. I know my parents had us because "that is what people did at the time". Their own unrealized dreams, broken marriages etc. made for some really bad, distant parents. Check the foster forums to see how many children were not put up for adoption but are literally destroyed by their own parents. My intent is not to invalidate your feelings but to let you know that you are by no means alone as an individual or as an adoptee.

My oldest ason is 4.5 and we have been telling him about his first mom and just last week he broke my heart when he said "so she didn't want me". My job now is to do everything to help him feel every bit of his value to himself, to us and to the world.

You have your own value, don't let anyone else make you feel less then.

[KittyMay]

Cajj
As an adoptee who just made contact within the last week, I understand the rollercoaster you are on. I wish you all the best with those feelings. I guess the best advice I can give is to simply be happy and proud of the way you conduct yourself. Since we can't really change other people, we have to accept them as they are, or choose to walk away. But through it all, be proud of yourself and your personal handling of the matter. So much in life hurts, many people disappoint us or fall short of our expectations. Not making any excuses but sometimes people don't tread into areas that personally would make them feel vulnerable. That's their problem, and a problem it is. Remember the the saying:
Accept the things I cannot change
change the things I can
and the wisdom to know the difference.
Good luck to you (hugs)

[ripples]

Originally Posted by D28Bob

No surprise that it surfaces with strong emotions like longing, anger, or grief when as adults we try to dive into the deep waters of our subconscious.

I can definitely vouch for the emotions that exist in the deep waters of the subconscious. I did hypnotherapy with the help of a psychologist to help process my post-reunion emotions. While I've done hypnotherapy in the past to deal with bereavement of the death of my a-parents (including one who'd died suddenly and unexpectedly), the hypnotherapy that I went through over my post-adoption emotions uncovered by far the most excruciatingly intense and painful stuff I've ever, ever experienced in my life.

Research has found that many babies, both within the womb and upon relinquishment, experience stress and loss at a pre-conscious level. Just have a read of Nancy Verrier's "Coming Home to Self" book. Unlike "The Primal Wound" book, this one details a lot more of the scientific underpinnings of her research on separation trauma, including research regarding what happens chemically within the brain of adoptees when they are separated from their birth mothers. I've also met some adult adoptees who've said that revisiting these emotions felt like annihilation. And no wonder. For many of us, our first life experience was one of trauma and loss before we could even make sense of what was happening to us.

[capemaymom]

I have been blessed to find my daughters biological family (though still searching for son's bio family. J did have some difficulties at first. P was still immature in many ways, although she had been married for a long time and had two sons. S had an anger problem.

It has taken 4 years for everything to work out well. In a bizarre twist, P & S were reunited through J, each left their respective spouses and are now married!

The relationship has had many ups and downs. J will never get over the day when she was told that she had to leave P's home (they were living together) because her "real" children were coming to live with her.

The reasons for placing a child for adoption are always painful and complicated. Please take a moment and appreciate that, even if the bmom won't admit to it, she made a difficult decision that may heal, but will always leave scars.
Just one suggestion - J was known by the name Rebecca in the hearts of her entire bilogical family. It was what they called her on holidays, birthdays., etc. "I wonder where Rebecca is today and is she happy"? When J found that out, it helped her to know that she hadn't been born and then forgotten.

[kimkrantz]

wow, that was strong. And thank you for being honest about it. I am getting ready to make contact with my daughter. It was iniated by her family, but I am sure not even her parents know everything she feels. I know I have my own worries and fears. My emotions and anger about how birth mothers are often looked at. That is why I do not get to upset when I hear the negative comments. Adoptions IS a weird thing, I think for all the different parties involved. We are all affected by it differently.


I am really glad you brought up the point of not saying sorry. I often wonder if/how I should address the why I placed her with her family. It would have never had dawn on me to say sorry, it seems that would be disrespectful of her parents. You have truly given me allot to think about it.

[cajjj]

It's been awhile since I've been to this website, so I'm just now seeing the replies to my last post. I want to thank everyone for their posts, it really does me so much good. It helps when others walking down the same dark and strange road of adoption reunion can help me along the way. It means so much to me, and helps me to know I am not alone.

I have some new things that have been going on that have all had an impact on me in both directions. First of all, miraculously, my birthmother all of a sudden started reading some books on adoptees. Actually, I think my husband might have said something to her, as I had expressed my frustration and anger to him about it as I have here. Well, bless her heart, she went to the library and asked about books and she ended up reading one that she said really shook her up. It was written by an adoptee and she said it really was intense and the person was saying a lot of things I had said. She said she had no idea of the things the person wrote, is how adoptees experience. It was definitely a step in the right direction with the empasse she and I had been having. Then she got another book from the library that she just read and she told me that just about everything that I had been saying she read in this book that had comments and stories by different adoptees, and it really opened her eyes that it wasn't just me being difficult I guess. Just that act of making that step to do that was like a healing balm for me. She also told me she was sorry, and actually admitted her irresponsibility that resulted in the pregnancy and adoption in the first place. She asked me to forgive her and I immediately said yes and thanked her many times for showing true caring and courage in reading the books, and acknowledging the painful truth. That right there is a mother. I can't explain it, but it's like those simple things just helped some healing to take place in me. I know I will always be an adoptee, and there will ALWAYS be pain surrounding that fact, no matter how much I try, but the fact she did that meant SO MUCH to me, and it gave me a new respect and love for her as a person. I had tried to put in simple terms for her a few weeks ago, and said, hey, it's like I am a child who fell off her bike and skinned her knee really badly, blood running down, and in pain, and no one taking any notice, no one taking the time and effort to comfort and help the child with her wounds, just ignoring the obvious. Like I said, I THINK my husband might have talked to her about some of my grievances because I know she was noticing I just didn't want to talk to her much anymore and she was probably asking him why I didn't want to have much to do with her anymore.
Her efforts have really helped warm and heal parts of my heart. It was very courageous and warm of her to make the effort to read about adoptees and her birthdaughter's personal experience. It was a blessing and I am thankful for it.

On the other hand, my cousin on my adoptive family side died last week. It is heartbreaking. I grew up seeing my adoptive cousins and I loved my adopted extended family growing up. I hadn't seen this cousin in years as he was traveling with his work for years, but I had lots of memories from childhood on up to my late teen years. We are all mourning his death, he died quite young, not but 42. His death has made me so sad, and it brought to my mind the memories of when we used to go see my extended family and cousins, etc. I always felt on the outside looking in in those times. They all laughed and cut up, and so comfortable with one another, the other cousins, and just the truly blood related family all seemed to mesh and click with one another. The family resemblences, my cousins similiarities to my parents that their own children, my adopted brother and I, did not have. I was always acutely aware of all this when around the extended family. I was always envious in a way that I wasn't really blood of this family who I looked up to. They were really a neat family and I always admired them. The other cousins all got along and just seemed to mesh, while me and my adopted brother, both felt like outsiders. They treated us kindly and like one of the family (except our grandmother once very meanly told my brother as a child when we were visiting them all he wasn't part of the family and basically reminding him he was adopted and not really part of the family -- we didn't know about this until years later-- my brother was heartbroken and in tears when telling our adoptive mom about this years later).
I always wish so badly I was my parents blood, that I was REALLY part of the family, but I am not. It causes this cycle of pain that will not ever go away. I feel sometimes like I'm not what my mother wanted, she and I have a strained relationship, she's very hypercritical of me and rather an unloving person to me as a whole in my adult years. I love her very much, and respect her. I had a great childhood, they gave my brother and I a wonderful childhood. The happiest times of my life were my childhood, and I will always be grateful for that.
I just wish so bad I wasn't adopted, that I was their true blood, that my cousin was my true blood, that my aunt and uncle really were my family in the truest sense, but it is not the case.

These posts you all have put have been very healing, very helpful, just so refreshing to know others know how I feel. I feel like weeping today. It is all just so poignant, all the pain of it all today, and I am also so sad about the loss of my cousin. They are really such a special people and family. He was a really goodlooking really nice guy, so sad about his death. I miss my childhood. I don't miss those painful times of being acutely aware of somehow not quite feeling like I was truly part of the family when around extended family. I don't think I felt so badly when around my mother's side of the family though come to think of it. I still have this sadness that I am not my parent's true blood. I am so sad for the loss of my cousin as well, and for his family; my aunt and uncle and cousins.

[cajjj]

Ripples, I was reading your post and I know how you feel and what you meant about having a long drawn out tantrum. I think I'm having that same experience. I hope the best for you and your reunion experience. Thank you so much for posting about those books, I need to read them. I've yet to read Primal Wound. I don't know, it might be too intense for me. It's like I already know the pain I have experienced, I don't know if I want to read a whole book about it and make myself go into a meltdown or something, lol. The other sounds really, really interesting, I will definitely read it.

KimKrantz that is wonderful you are going to have a reunion with your daughter, it sounds like you will have a lot of insight and knowledge of adoptees before you meet her, which will be a wonderful thing for her, I assure you. I hope all the best to you all.

MeriMeyers, I am sorry you have had that experience. My heart goes out to you, it's unbelievable sometimes, the absurdity of this thing we call life, and how people can be, adoptive, blood family, etc.
I hope things become better for your relationship with her.

A warm loving hug to all of you.

[seabreeze45]

Originally Posted by ripples

cajjj, I'm totally of the belief that for anyone to get through the tangles that first they be able to express/vent all their emotions in a safe place. And it sounds to me that you've begun that by being courageous enough to express your emotions and share them with us here.

Next, I also believe that validation and understanding from others are key towards being able to heal. I totally can relate to all that you've written - while my reunion journey has been different, the range of my emotions and their intensity have been very similar. Having friends, family, health professionals, post-adoption support groups, books and the wonderful people here on these forums have all helped me immensely through validating and understanding what I'm going through.

And I'm sure that your birth mom is going through her own journey of emotional turmoil too.

I'm also of the belief that the pain, anger, etc; may never go away, that these emotions may resurface again and we find ways to cope/handle these emotions when the wave hits.

I encourage you to keep letting your emotions run their full course - I especially found working with a counsellor immensely helpful for this. For me, this venting of my emotions felt similar to (but longer) a long, drawn out tantrum - at first it's full blown intense, exhausting, searingly painful, etc; but eventually it subsides and I feel more at peace.

I hope this helps - there are many here who can relate to and understand what you're going through, including me.

I'm an adult adoptee myself and have read the posts and I have to say I do not think you are seeing this from a rational point of view. Of course the question your whole life was where did I come from? It is always assumed you were not wanted but that probably was not 100% the case. My birthmother was 16 as well when she gave me up for adoption, and I know that once she did, her subconscious blocked out almost all memories of the experience and she lived the next 40 years with a faint memory of the entire experience. Not to mention the decision was her mothers to put me up for adoption and not hers. 6 years ago when I met her, and her mother at age 96, we had a fantastic relationship because I didnt ask questions, I let her give me information as she felt necessary. Sometimes as adoptees we have to realize it is all not only about us, but there is another side to the story. I think the DNA test and the suggestions to read were a bit much but thats my own opinion. I think bottom line is we were given life, an option that is more and more being treated as trivial and taken for granted each day. Lets not forget these birthmothers carried us for 9 months and then gave us up. There has to be give and take on both sides...

[cajjj]

Well, that's the thing, I totally know my feelings are not rational, it's just the way I have felt. In fact, I am very acutely aware of how irrational I am about it all, and that's something that bothers me too, but it's like what someone else said, it's like a long drawn out temper tantrum. Temper tantrums are not rational as we all know. These are strong emotions pent up. I also think it might be different for those who have a better relationship with their adoptive mothers. Right now, I just kind of feel a detached acceptance of everything. I guess we all have our cross to bear in life.