[idahonurse]

Hey all!
I was just wondering, if you knew that your adopted child, who you've been searching for for many years, has decided to talk with you because they felt as though it was the right thing to do for someone who has had a lot of hardships in their life and who is less fortunate than themselves (basically, they feel sorry for you), would you still accept that relationship or would pride keep you from wanted a connection based on charity?

Here is my story:
I am one of those adopted people who was adopted at birth and have always known I was adopted. After reading a bit on this forum, I have really been unable to find a common factor about what makes some people want to search for their family and what makes some people have no desire at all. . . I've come to the conclusion that it is a complex multifactorial factor which includes sex, race, socioeconomics, ethnicity, age, happiness with adoption situation, religion, values, etc. In my case, my parents who received me from the hospital that day are in fact, my parents, period. It is as though my mother carried me for the duration of my gestation and gave birth to me. Our hearts were knit together as one in a divine plan that God had laid out for us. Keeping that in mind, the thought of going out to search for a stranger who is not my mother would be like me going out to find my "real" husband, or perhaps like going up to my postal worker and telling her that I love her and want a relationship with her. I've just had a wonderfully full and happy life and have simply never felt a void or that there was anything missing. All that to say that I never had even a hint of curiousity or any desire to spend time searching for any biological connections. Of course, people do ask from time to time, "Would you ever want to meet your biologicals and what would you say?" and me, being the rather happy and complete person that I am would say, "Sure, of course, I'd tell the bmom that she made the absolute right decision, that I've had a wonderful wonderful life, I hope it is healing for her to know that, and I thank her for taking care of herself during the pregnancy so I had a good start at life." On the other hand, I would not want a relationship that involves drama, sadness, stress, clinginess, or some strange forced family connection (think trying to call your pedicurist your mom and telling her you love her, and you'd have a good grasp of my feelings about that.) Anyways, wouldn't you know it, I'm trucking along with my little life, happy as a clam, newly postpartum with my second child, utterly exhausted, totally hormonal, and what happens? That's right, the bfamily showed up. And it is absolutely true what some people say: It was rather intrusive (especially considering the circumstances of my life at this time), and it was mildly stalker-like and creepy to think someone's been prying into your life behind your back. So anyways, they get actually ahold of my parents and my father doesn't give them any info about me, because, hey, what if I didn't want my privacy invaded (too late for that though right?). They send him an email which he forwards to me. Meanwhile, while I'm trying to digest this rather large kink in my smoothly running life, they are calling up my family and asking, "Are you sure you actually emailed her? She hasn't responded yet." To the point where dad had to be like, "Yeah. . . you really need to give her half a second, k?" So, I decide to make good on what I've always said. . . I send a very nice email detailing my life and trying to help them find some peace and closure about what must have been a tremendously difficult time for them. . . I even include pictures. BTW, bfam includes bmom and three 1/2 bsisters. Well, from there, it was sort of downhill. Every possible adoption reunion no-no was probably done. They related every horrible thing that has ever occurred to them, they immediately called themselves my mother and sisters, they wanted me to call them on the phone right off the bat, and they wanted to get together for Christmas. This was on Oct 22, 2008 mind you. They said "WE LOVE YOU SOOOOOO MUCH!!!" and even called me "sweetheart". I told them that I wasn't comfortable with the phone just yet (afterall, I have virtually no questions for them at all . . . can't think of a single one to ask) and that Christmas wouldn't work out because I'm working. So, after a few emails like this, the oldest sister gets ahold of me and says how strange it is for her to have a sister she never grew up with. . . well I'm thinking, "Dude. . . you don't need to explain to me. . . I completely do not consider you to be my sister." So I send an email that candidly explains that she "needn't feel that she needs to think of me in a "family way" and that I don't think of her in that way either, but I'm very happy to maintain a chill and relaxed friendship." I also mentioned that "her mother and I would never have a mother/daughter relationship and that it would be a wrong fit for my situation to expect that, but again, I'm happy to be friends with your mother, and maybe even good friends someday." I explained that having strangers force themselves into a life which is pretty complete is, you know, difficult on me and my family and we are getting some counseling to deal with some of the emotional issues. Well. . . no more emails from the sisters, and finally an email from their mother saying that I am, "rude" and "disturbed" and that I should never have started talking with them if I didn't want a relationship, and that I could now get out of therapy!!! Hmmph. . . what ever happened to "WE LOOOOVVVVEE YOU!!" Guess that only works if I'm working on their terms. Well, of course, now I'm rather torqued off. . . I'm like, "You people came looking for me, rocked my little boat, disrupted my life, and then when I set some boundaries and offer a perfectly good friendship you start calling me names!?!? Well, this is way more trouble than it's worth. . . don't let the door hit'cha where the good Lord split'cha!" Fast forward several weeks. . . I'm now all cooled off and thinking more rationally. Now, at this point, you may be thinking, "Well, you didn't ever want to know these people, and now they are gone, so why are you beating a dead horse?" Here's the thing, I don't thing that the bmom actually read the email and I think she was getting it second hand from the sister. That being said, I feel that this women should get the words from the horses mouth. Secondly, I actually do feel a great deal of compassion for this individual . . she had a life full of poor choices and pitfalls. So I start thinking, "If I'm really so comfortable and secure with my life, what is it going to hurt to reach out and make these people's life better?" And yes, I know, I don't "have" to do this, and I don't owe them anything, and I'm not guilted into doing this or anything. And, truthfully, I gain nothing from this relationship. . . well, I take that back, I would gain the self-fulfillment of knowing that I'm doing something that is going to make this lady's life happier simply by talking on the phone occasionally and probably meeting in person eventually. I mean, my life is firmly fixed and secure. . . I do not need to worry about being unmoored. I know who I am, and the fact that these people are rather dysfunctional is not going to "rub off" on me and make me dysfunctional. To me, it's kind of like serving food on Christmas day to the homeless. . . sure, you don't receive money for that, or love, or really anything all that super useful, and you most certainly cannot "fix" the homeless people's plight, but you may one day, on your deathbed think, "Boy, I sure am glad that I made somebody's day warm and happy." Anyways, all that to say, I am thinking about re-engaging the reunion to clarify some of the emails that were sent and to again offer my friendship (with appropriate boundaries). And I do this not because I gain anything from it at all, but simply because it might make this lady happy in the second half of her life. So, if it were you, and you knew that your located adopted out child was just talking with you because she felt sorry for you, would you be accepting of that?

[RavenSong]

You asked... "So, if it were you, and you knew that your located adopted out child was just talking with you because she felt sorry for you, would you be accepting of that?"

Hmmm, well the answer to this question is an easy one for me. I would never want a relationship with my son if he was doing it only out of pity for me. I wouldn't want him to feel put out in any way, shape or form. I am his birthmother, not his burden nor a charity case. That's just the way I see it from my side of the aisle...

[Longtimewaiting]

While I definately would like some type of relationship with my bdaughter, if for one moment she should ever feel pity for me, she needs to rethink why anyone has a relationship with another person. Pity is not a good enough reason.

[idahonurse]

Personally, I totally agree. . . if someone was like, "I'm just friends with you because I feel bad for you", sure, my ire would definitely be irked. I really do just feel for this woman, and working in the hospital with infants and oftentimes with mothers going the adoption route, I see how sad and difficult it is on a day to day basis. There is nothing more heartwrenching than watching a mom relinquish rights to her baby and leave the hospital empty handed. But I just truly am so comfortable with my life and just feel so complete and whole. . . it is kind of like having a flower pot that is full of beautiful mature flower growth and there isn't really that much room to force another plant in there. . . you could, but you'd have to rearrange or pull up some of the flowers that you have there first to accomodate the new plant. I think you are right though. . . I just hope that she considers her experience with adopting out a child to be a true success story (albeit bittersweet I'm sure). I do not think that I will pursue anymore contact. Thanks for the advice and input!!

[cksmom]

I am on the other side of this. I am the adoptee and searched for my bmom. I also had a terrific childhood and was very connected to my parents. I have been married to a wonderful guy for 16 years and we have 2 great kids. I have a really nice life. Why did I search? It wasn't initially because I felt this extreme love or missed her or whatever. I wanted my medical history as I am so tired of saying, "I don't know if that runs in my family. I'm adopted." I didn't want my kids to have to do that too. I also wanted to see pictures of people that look like me. So for me it was practical and curiousity that motivated me.

I sent bmom a very brief respectful letter and I said if she just wanted to provide me with what I asked and want no future contact, that would be okay. She emailed me 3 days later and we exchanged emails back and forth for a few weeks. I was always cautious and respectful. Asking questions that seemed safe and that wouldn't hurt her. Basically moving at a snails pace as recommend by others in reunion. For reasons not explained, she decided she did not wish to continue to communicate "at this time". SHe provided me with her family medical history and that was it. I asked for my bdad's name because he holds the other half to my medical history too. She refused and was not nice in that email. It was very hurtful and despite having a lot of people that love and accept me, her rejection hurt very much.

I only tell my story so you can see the other side. It seems to me that your sisters broke all the rules and completely turned you off. I'm not sure I would feel right about cutting bmom off without talking or emailed directly with her first. Just between you and her as it should be initially. She sounds like she was in the background while her daughters took control of this. And really, unless they are an adoptee or a bmom, they have no idea how any of this feels. So yes, they are strangers but they could hold some very important history for you and your children. You can set the boundaries and limits if you so decide. I have read several threads about adoptees that were contacted, refused contact and then years later regretted it and had to then search for the bfamily themselves. You could just feel violated or afraid and not ready. That is normal and okay.

HTH. Good luck!

[bprice215]

I hope I'm not a burden on my daughter, and i don't think I am. I do understand she has a life seperate and away from me. Her independence is a good thing I say for I'm raising my daughter at home now to be independent, and to do what is right for her. I want nothing different from my adopted daughter. I told her I was happy the way things have turned out. I also told her she was a blessing to me and her adopted family, I could see that in the pictures she sent me last year. I have changed, I went from one of wonder to one of delight, she did that for me and I'll always appreciate her because she is her own self. Merry Christmas to all!

bprice215

[rainmon]

It seems you were pretty impulsive in the way you told off your family, and if it happened to me I would not be likely to let you back in very easily again to hurt me or my other Daughters. I would be very protective and very wary of you. it sounds like they really opened their hearts to you and your words and attitude may have hurt them very very much.
also are you sure you won't just do it to them all over again in a few months.
I think you should give this some time and thought.... do you really want to hurt them all over again?
are you really subconsciously trying to hurt or punish your mother? just food for thought before any more damage is done.

[JustPeachy]

I'm sorry, but your motivation does not make sense to me, and comes off a tad condescending. I don't mean to offend, but just being honest and direct. You claim to not want a relationship, but only want to make contact to feel good about making your birthmother's life happy in her later years?? I am taken aback because I really don't know anyone who pursues a relationship with another human being out of pity and so they can feel charitable or good about themselves on their deathbed. And who is to say your having an "arms length" relationship will actually provide your birthmom with the happiness you seem convinced your contact will provide?? That is rather presumptuous to assume. On the contrary, if she is looking for a closer relationship, which it seems she does, what you are offering may very well upset her. Now, given all that, I do agree that your birthmom and siblings do not seem to have appropriate boundaries, and came on way too strong. When you did try to set boundaries with the sibs, they reacted harshly. You can try to contact your birthmom directly and see if she can agree to slow things down a lot, and maybe explain your feelings to her, but I don't think she is on the same page as you, at least right now. But if your motivation for this contact is just out of pity, I would rethink the whole thing. I mean, you describe your birthfamily as dysfunctional and having inappropriate boundaries, and it doesn't even sound like you like them all that much. But you pity your birthmother and think that by having a relationship with her on strictly your terms, you will feel better about yourself or that you will somehow be doing her a favor?? I dunno. I would seriously rethink your motivation. Just my humble opinion. As a birthmother myself, I would not want my son to approach me out of feeling sorry for me or because it made him feel charitable to be in touch, ESPECIALLY if he really didn't like me to begin with. That, to me, would be disingenuous.

[idahonurse]

You are absolutely correct. . . I'm not sure if you read all of the replies, but about five posts back, I stated that I would not be pursuing anymore contact. Even though I never said that I didn't want a relationship in my original post (I said that I wasn't looking nor did I ever intend to look), I also would like a relationship where I don't feel like I'm being all forced to act all fake and lovey-dovey. Like I said, I'm happy to be friends and to talk on the phone and meet in person and all that jazz. . . I'm totally laid back about that kind of stuff. But sure, yeah, of course if they consider that "arms-length" and want hugs and kisses and "love yous" in lieu of frienship, then no, I don't think that we are on the same page and of course the relationship will not work out. And my motivation would indeed more or less be out of pity (which again, refer to second post that I wrote) and I agreed that that kind of relationship would not be good. . . I just simply do not gain anything out of the relationship personally, so yes, I would be doing it entirely for their benefit. To be entirely honest, no, in a natural setting where we weren't being forced together, I would not choose this particular family to be friends with. . . we have virtually nothing in common. This is why, I've decided to not pursue contact. On a more uplifting note, my life has gotten back on course, I rarely dwell on being adopted anymore which seemed like something that was suddenly consuming my life and I had never even given a second thought to before, and my husband says that it seems like I'm less distracted and more comfortable in my own skin again. So that's good news anyways. Thanks for the input, of course. I do hope for all of you posters on this thread though, that the loved one you are looking for or have found are not like me. . . I hope that they have always longed for you, felt a connection to you, had a void in their life that only you could fill and that you are each others soulmates and fulfilling factor in each other lives if that is what you wish for.

[idahonurse]

Oh yeah, I forgot. . . to answer Rainmoms question:

It was not impulsive, nor was it a "tell-off". It was after sending several emails back and forth and it was not meant to be rude. I had several friends and family members, including my mother/father/aunt/uncle/and grandparents review the email. It was written after the oldest sister voiced discomfort over suddenly having a sister that she didn't grow up with and I was agreeing with her saying that we did not need to force some strange family connection, but that I was happy to be friends and I'm glad that she felt the same way.

No, I don't think it has anything to do with a subconscious need to hurt or punishment or any jazz like that. . . that would imply that I had some subconsious defect or something cause by being adopted which is not the case here. People fall upon hard times which is what the case was in my adoption and I've never had any bitterness or anger about that. . . just a great sense of gratitude to God for having been adopted out of a situation that would not have been good for me.

It is not something that would happen again down the road because I'm happy to friendship with all parties as I stated in my email to them . . in fact, I'm in touch with a bio-aunt who lives here in ID and we are totally chill and relaxed friends. We don't pretend to love and know each other all that well and we don't fawn all over each other in a fake and forced manner.

In any case, this is all a moot point, because I've decided to not pursue contact (note my post from several weeks ago).

[txrnr]

Good luck Idahonurse. I appreciated your honesty, and willingness to ask a question that I imagine a lot of adoptees have considered a possibility. It's always nice to learn from others experiences, including all the posters on this thread. I am sorry your reunion didn't work out, but it sounds as if you are in a good place with all that.

[anneadoptee]

I think honesty is always the best approach. First you need to be honest with yourself. I read through your rather long post and for someone who could really care less about ever knowing your birthfamily, you sure do have a lot to say on the matter! I think you have conflicting emotions within yourself about this, first you had such a wonderful childhood and adoption experience you "feel" you should have no inclination whatsoever to need contact with your original family, but yet on the other hand, I sense you must have some sort of a bond to your birthmother, otherwise you wouldn't be 'willing' to keeep in contact just for her benefit or as you say a 'charity case'. My advice is to be honest with your birthmother, no e-mails, no messages given through another person, just get on the phone and talk to her. Tell her exactly how you feel, that you are happy where you were raised and feel no need or desire to have a relationship with your first family but you feel for all of them and so tell her you must care on some level and so why don't we do contact maybe twice a year to start. You two may decide to send pictures, a letter or a phone call or whatever it is you both think would be beneficial to both sides. Both sides should be considered, yours and theirs and some sort of compromise should be made on both parts.
Anne

[wishfulthinker]

I really don't wish to reply to this post other than to say that the title alone is disturbing to me - "charity case". To refer to any family member, birth or adopted, in such a way is bothersome & sad.

[cetalley]

Idahonurse, I too am truly satisified, that if you came across anything like your post...they(bsibs) got the point plain and simple. I would think it best if you type up an e-mail give to your Dad, and ask him to forward...if you feel this is even neccesary. Since you are in an extrememly happy place, I would wonder why you feel a need to even explain to these people what is in fact the truth. I will pray for the person whom gestated you, for she has to be the one whom is so devastated. Please consider leaving well enough alone, I might also consider staying away from soup kitchens, the truly needy need compassion, of which I can not see from this post. I too am glad you posted, i am sure there are others whom feel as you do...maybe this will give them some insight on how NOT to handle...for charity really does come from the heart! Blessngs to you and your family...

[Janeytwo]

Idahonurse,

I have to say in all honesty I agree with Cetally and with JustPeachy and Rainmom. Your post doesn't sound charitable. Not that it isn't your right to feel the way you feel. You surely have your reasons which you've stated.

However, speaking on a human-to-human level one thing I would like to say, I take particular offense at the homeless anology. I have been homeless. I can remember many things about it. None of them were "warm and happy".

And I don't want anyone sitting on their deathbed patting themselves on the back because they showed pity to the poor homeless scum. I'd rather they spit in my face and call it honesty.

I'm sure you didn't meant it that way but when things are worded in this fashion, it takes away from the dignity of others.

And none of us in this forum are here to do that to each other; at least I would hope not.

Wishing you peace today,