[pitising]

Hi all,

Firstly I'm keeping details vague as I'm aware what a great resource this website is and aware that b-mom might be here too!

I reunited with b-mom a few months ago, after a long search. We're on different sides of the world, it was hard work. I wasn't naive enough to think it would all be plain sailing, but I really didn't know what a nightmare it would be after contacting her.

B-mom has never got over it, never married or even had other relationships, obviously no more kids. She also suffers from deep depression I know find out. She gives nothing away about her feelings, very proud, self-contained.

It's so hard to get a sense of what she wants from this. I would like nothing more than to build a relationship, I suspect (hope?!) she would but doesn't say. I get mixed signals, so hard to know where I am with this.

One day I think it's all going to be great, the next she'll send me something snippy and I think I want to delete her and move on... I know this isn't unusual from reading about the "rollercoaster of reunion" but I just want it to stop! I know she is ill too, and perhaps this isn't the real her - but I don't know her, so it's difficult to say for sure.

I was very disappointed in photos, I can't see much of a resemblance with her. I can't even look at them now, just too much of a reminder that there's a b-father out there who I will never know (she won't discuss him, I don't agree with that but will respect her wishes and won't ask his name).

Any words of advice or encouragement are welcome. Particularly interested in hearing how long it took those who have reunited to be in a "normal" place in their relationships, will we ever get there? Or will it always be eggshells, analysing every word, etc.!

Good luck to us all

P x

[cksmom]

well, maybe I shouldn't comment as my reunion has completely stalled. At first we were emailing back and forth, eggshells and all. She wouldn't answer many questions but she told me she may not be able to. She told me a little, I told her alittle about my life. She would not send me any pictures. I was trying to be patient and considerate and the "good daughter". Anyway, after about a month, she said that she didn't really want to communicate right now because I had said in my first contact letter that I would be okay with that. WTH was I thinking writing that? However, I graciously emailed her back and told her I respect her wishes and would wait indefinately to hear from her.

During that first month after she cut me off I really started thinking about it. Yes, she provided me with her family medical history but what about the paternal side? I did the unthinkable, I emailed bmom and asked for his name. What I received back I was not prepared for. She was mad and then told me she would not give me his name because he doesn't know about me and I would just upheave his life. nice. so here I wait and look for my namless bfather.

And I KNOW I must look like him because I sent her a couple of pictures and she said she didn't see a big resemblance with her.

Anyway, here I wait. this is atough road and we all have different paths. Hope you come here to vent and read and heal.

HUGS!

[chazas]

If it were me, I would continue to stay in contact. She's your only link to your past and to your father's name. You may not really like her now, but she may grow on you as she becomes more comfortable with things. And even if she doesn't, just because she's not giving you your bio father's name now doesn't mean she won't change her mind.

My newly-reunited bio mother had a similar reaction when asked about my father. I'm still waiting, too. Some issues of our issues have been similar to yours, but I like her a lot most of the time and I think we're working through it. Honestly, I'm sure that if someone asked her about me, she'd have a few complaints too!

Hang in there. Do your best to accept her on her own terms, she's a real person with all of her flaws, not the person your fantasized about all these years. Know that her reactions are not your fault and stay grounded. Pull back some if you have to protect your own mental health. In that regard, you may be lucky that she's so far away - phone calls and visits are more difficult. But you do still want to know some information, so I wouldn't completely drop her, it may be difficult to pick up again later.

Good luck, you're not alone!

[danap2]

Well your are not limited to her. I requested my non id info from state which included bdads age and date of birth no year so a little 1st grade math. And the ages of his brothers and sisters. So the search was on starting searching every male born on that day, then moved on to searching for his brothers and sisters out of 180 men born on that day only 4 were possible only 2 lived in the same area. Yes it took many hours on the computer. Then there was only one that fit the bill and lived in the same general area. Since in the 60's people did not stray far from home.
Then found some one on bmoms side and made a call find the oldest person you can they love to talk. And older Aunt that lives alone works great. LOL. Act lke you are trying to find an old friend from High school. Then just sit back and listen take notes. They will give you all kind of info. And they have no clue who you are just and old friend from school. Before you know it you will have years of information and names and locations. Without any knowing anything.
Best of Luck.

BMon wants no contact after 5 years, attended Bdads funeral after only 2 meetings, have a great bbrother that I talk with weekly, and bgrandmothers that I love

Dana