[farn23]

Hi Everyone, I am 23 and have just recently found my birth mother. It turns out I have 2 full siblings and my birth father lives in the same area. I have met all of them and definately feel a connection although my siblings are a little standoffish but my birth mother insists they want to get to know me more. I have another visit planned and am worried I am getting in over my head. I do not want to offend my adoptive parents, but at the same time really want my birth family to be a part of my life. How often should I visit my birth family? and how big a role should they play in my life?

[Dickons]

You will figure out what is best as you go along. My advice would be to take it slow, despite how fast you want to now. Take the time one on one to know them, don't rush it.

As to your adoptive parents, they will always be your parents too. You need to make sure they understand that, as they will have their own set of insecurities. I'm in my 40's but every step of my search was shared at the time with my parents, that in my opinion helped them over any concerns. I also made sure that my Mom and my BAunt met very soon into the reunion (BMother had already passed on so it may have made it easier...).

Just be honest and be yourself, take the time to find out what your BFamily is like in everyday life, do you have similar lifestyles, things to talk about other than 'adoption', find the common interests, share the good memories, create a bond.

Good luck, search your heart, follow that path.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[farn23]

Thanks for the response. My bmom and amom have met briefly when I first met my bmom about a year and a half ago. They got along well but I know my amom is worried I am taking things too fast. My birth family has been receptive of me and I have met many aunts and grandparents over the 3 visits. I plan on visiting on a fairly regular basis and am just not sure if I am ultimately setting myself up to be hurt.

[snuffie]

I am a reunited adoptee and for me it has been wonderful having one more family to love and be loved by. My adopted parents passed away before I met my bfamily but I know that they would have wanted to meet them and would have loved them too.

Its up to you to decide how much of a relationship you want. But it is very early and you have plenty of time.
Just let things unfold in their own time and enjoy every minute of your new family.

[memoriestwobe]

That is a blessing that you were able to find your birth family. Two days ago I just started the search for my birth sister. Its funny but I know we would have a great connection. It just seems like an endless process and a lot of dead ends. I hope and pray to achieve the same as you soon. My advise is to just be you and allow everyone to get to know the awesome person you are. Take Care and Stay Blessed!!!!

P.S.
Was it a long time before you found them?
memoriestwobe@yahoo.com
Jocelyn

[farn23]

I found my birth mom online about a year after I found out I was adopted and a few months after I really started to search, so I was lucky. I did not grow up knowing I was adopted and do feel blessed to have my birth family in my life now. It seems like I am really hurting my adoptive parents alot by having such constant contact with them though and that is the last thing I want to do.
Good luck with your search for your birth sister

[memoriestwobe]

How did you find your BFamily and did it take a long time?

[farn23]

I had the last name and had been searching on some of the social networking sites. And then all of a sudden I found a match on facebook. It is a very unique last name, so i sent a brief message and she responded within a few days verifying she was my bmom.

[cksmom]

I think that if you feel like it's moving too fast then slow it down. I would talk to your bmom and express how you are feeling, that you are scared you may be hurt etc. Open dialog is key (from what I have read) to a successful reunion.

You are very lucky! Good luck!

[rainmon]

I have heard that it is best to let the person that is found take the lead for awhile, after all, they have been caught by surprise and maybe a little overwhelmed by it all and the searcher is going at a much faster pace because of the searching....
take it slow so they can catch up.
baby steps are best they say.

[farn23]

I have been back to visit my birth family about three times over the last three months. I can only visit on weekends and I find that I am constantly thinking about them and miss them a ton. I realize how lucky I am to find them and am truly grateful for the way they have shown aceptance of me. My adoptive parents are worried that this is becoming a huge distraction and taking away from me getting on with my career and all that. I am just wondering if anyone else has exerienced this and if so will my need to visit on such a regular basis fade over time?

[FallenChild]

well, it's hard to say, and life ebbs and flows and what might be good now in terms of levels of involvement may not work well later or vice versa - BUT let this be your guiding principle - You mother is your mother (without qualification - and calling her your "brith mother" doesn't change that) - she will love you always and any separation from you (including your adoption) will be very painful for her, and so, just be senstive to that ... she is no less important than anyone else in your life, no matter how little concern or care you've been tuaght for her - best, FC

[farn23]

I actually care for her alot and am making alot of the effort in the relationship. It is about a 6 hour driving distance and she has not made the trip to come see me yet. She has told me I am welcome anytime and I plan on always staying in touch and visiting regularly. I just want to make sure that this does not become a huge distraction for me and get in the way of other relationships and activities in my life. I think that I need to just come to an understanding of acceptance and realize that she is here to stay and there is no need to rush things. Its hard though, I mean I am thinking of her all the time and it feels like my life is revloving around my next visit.

[FallenChild]

ps- your family is not "a huge distraction" and something to "get on with" so you can "get on with your career" (I read: "get on with being adopted") - they are just that "your family" - they are also people, who obviously love you and want you in their lives - don;t let anyone make you feel guilty about that - best and good luck, FC

[FallenChild]

well it proably is revolving around her right now- whether you were conscious of it or not- you spent years a deprivation being separated from her, and so your trying to make up for lost time, you relly can't though - don;t let it become a "this or that" situation - why shouldnt you have it all - you have a whole lifetime to share with both your families - natural and adoptive - your mom surely will not run away, even if you dont run 6 hrs every weekend - best, fc