[Neitza]

Hi Everyone - this is my first post here - please bear with me.

I know this is long but I really need some support. I've been looking for a site like this for a year. I'm reunited with my father after 30 years - he abandoned me when I was very young and it seems my story is in someways similar to reunions with adoptive parents.

Last fall I received a call from my half brother - we talk sporadically but we've always had a good relationship. During our conversation he asked if I'd heard from our father (a question we've been asking each other for 30 years) and my answer was the same as always, "no". When we'd finished speaking I decided I would look my father up - it took me all of $14.95 and 8 minutes before I had him on the phone. I called him up without thinking thru what I was actually doing. I was just as shocked to find him as he was at being found. LOL. After the initial shock our conversation was awkward and tentative. We exchanged numbers and began calling one another.

Here is a little background information:
My father left my mother for another woman "Nancy" when I was 7. My Dad married "Nancy" and raised her daughter Megan- while basically abandoning me (I had a brief relationship with him at the age of 16-I'm 46 now). During the brief relationship I did not get along with Nancy at all - after my visit my father and she divorced for a short period of time and she always blamed me for it.

I contacted my father last fall after about 30 years on a whim. Well it was the best spontaneous thing I've ever done. After months of talking on the phone we made plans to see one another. He's flown here twice in the last year to visit with me, my brother and our families and our reunion has been good emotionally for both all of us. He's apologized and acknowledged and took total responsibility for abandoning us and we've been able to forgive him and move forward. He and I now talk on the phone daily (from his secret cell phone-it's secret because Nancy hid or broke the previous phones) and we email one another frequently. My brother, my father and I are all ecstatic that after all these years we have reconnected and getting to know one another.

Here's the problem - my father's wife, Nancy of 40 years is having all kinds of fits and doesn't want him to have ANYTHING to do with me - his biological daughter. She erases my voice mails, intercepts cards from my children to their grandfather, turns my photos down, has violent fits after I talk to my father on the home phone (she doesn't know about the cell phone). I sent my father a guided biography journal for father's day to fill out for me. He spent months filling it out with all types of historical information/stuff and she took it and threw it away. Basically she's making it very difficult for my father with all this bickering about me. My father is hurt and angry because he says this should be the best time in his life - reconnecting with his children.

Basically she doesn't want me to exist. They are both in their 70's and my father is seriously contemplating divorcing her as he doesn't want to live the remaining days of his life fighting with her and he refuses to give his kids up again. She is responding to our reunion as if I am "another woman" instead of a daughter that simply wants to have a relationship with her father. It's the strangest thing I've ever heard of. I've not asked for anything other than my father's time - so I don't know why she's tripping.

Oh lest I forget - her daughter, Megan is very ill and bed-ridden and living with Nancy & my Dad. Dad has taken care of Megan for 47 years as she has severe mental health issues. He is furious that after all he's done for her daughter, Megan that she would behave so cruelly and selfishly because he simply wants to have a relationship with his own children.

This has been going on for over a year now with no signs of progress. My dad seems to be getting more and more impatient and frustrated. This should be a joyous time for all of us - but it's like a sick soap opera. I've reached out to Nancy twice and she is not at all interested in making amends with me.Please send prayers/thoughts/good vibes our way.

[jrainbow]

You are so right - this time should be all about celebrating the reconnection. It appears that Nancy will never be able to do that. I'm so sorry things are so horrible for your dad and you, his biological family.

I met my bdad last year after 50 years. His wife has "issues" with me even though they were married over 20 years after I was given up for adoption. So, we have never met. After reading what Nancy is doing to sabatage your relationship, I am very grateful that his wife is being passive. She isn't forbiding our relationship - just making it more difficult since it must be secret and hidden.

It is very weird, though, don't you think to be treated as "the other woman" in your father's life. I certainly get that feeling. My bdad had surgery this summer - and I had to ask him to have his administrative assistant call me with updates. I knew he could have died and I would never know from his family. Very weird.

My prayers are with you and yours.
Jill

[Neitza]

Yes, I just spoke with him tonight and he doesn't seem to think this will ever improve - he's talking about a lawyer. This is just ridiculous - I can't imagine he will actually divorce her again at the age of 71.

Anyway - I'm getting pretty discouraged. I told my husband that I think I will be cool if I never see him again - because we did talk about the past and I was able to ask him questions - hard questions and he answered as best he could.

[cksmom]

Nancy is crazy. She is acting like an immature child instead of a 70 year old woman. It's so sad. Unless Nancy figures out that she is actually sabotizing her own marriage, it would be up to your dad on what he wants to do. I get it though. My amom married a truely horrible man. She chose him over us and nothing we do is going to make her change. We've tried. I'm not sure why there are people like this. People that don't understand that family can included a lot of people and it can be so wonderful.

Good luck to you and your family!! Congrats on being so spontaneous and calling your dad that day.

[cetalley]

It does sound strange, but this happens all the time in step-parenting relationships. Even though you are grown children, your stepmother(nanacy) has not gotten done what she intended to do...isolate her husband from his children. I am sad to say, but this really is something your Dad is going to HAVE to handle. He will eventually have to tell nancy, he is not giving his relationship up, and she will have to decide if she can handle this or not. This is not fair to you and brother, and all grandkids, if he does not do something. He will have to nip this in thebud, and do it immediatly, for you guys to all have a chance at a relationship. I send prayers and thoughts your way...Blessings...

[BethVA62]

This is the woman who "helped" or "supported" your Dad in abandoning you?
I can only imagine she has much guilt with that.
I'll bet she has great fear that the same thing could happen to her and her daughter. Hey, it happened once, could happen again.
You know, karma.
Selfish, jealous, possesive, insecure people are nearly impossible to deal with.
NEVER let them get in your way.
I tend to be mean to people that are mean to me, I could see myself telling nancy
"Awww what's the matter Nancy, are you afraid I am going to do to you what you did to me????"
But DON'T do that LOL I get in trouble all the time.
Nancy seems to be acting out the same fears as many adoptive mothers have at reunion,
in that she can't see the good that is happening for others, she is only concerned with herself and what she wants, or what she might loose.
and I can only imagine that she might be jealous of your dad because he has a healthy beautiful daughter to love, and that loves him.
Although she does seem to be in a very vunerable spot, elderly with a sick daughter.
She must feel that she and her daughter need all of your dad's attention and love, and maybe money.
If he shares any with you then in her mind he would be "cheating" on her.
I wonder if there is anything you or your Dad could do to make her feel more secure?
Keep reaching out, it won't hurt if you don't let it.
Reunion is supposed to be a celebration of knowing each other again, not sabbotage.
Nancy is wrong and I hope she sees it soon for everyones sake.
I hope your Dad can stand up to her.

I too have had to sneak around my mothers husband some to talk to her.
I hate that feeling, I feel like I am the other woman. My mom's other woman LOL
Regardless, I'll do what I need to do to see my mom, even if I have to crawl on my belly thru mud with creepy crawling things in the dark, with bullets flying and attack dogs, flame throwers, razor wire, thru flooded rivers, snake pits, over icy mountains with wolves and bears and the possibility of death at every turn...... i could go on, but I think you get my drift.

Congrats on finding and getting to know your Dad, what a wonderful thing to celebrate

[Neitza]

bethva62

lol - I needed some laughs - I'm so frustrated. I refuse to continue to reach out to that twisted wretch of a woman as she has done some other things that I won't get into - just beleive me - it's pretty bad. I've never observed such disgusting behavior from a grown woman.

I think I'll just stop trying to call him at home and just talk when he calls me. It's very hurtful when she hangs up in my face or deletes our messages. He's vowed to fly here to see us every six months and so far he's done so.