[bjc76]

I know this is the adoptee forum, but I really, really want some opinions/experiences from adoptees... thank you.
So I've been a wreck for the past day or so in regards to an adoption that occurred almost 14 years ago. I was 18 when I placed my daughter into a loving home in an open adoption. I really wanted open because I wanted to choose the people who raised her and see for myself the kind of people they were. But I didn't realize how difficult it would be to keep that open relationship. When she was 2, I stopped seeing them and told them that although I like getting the pictures, it was just too painful. Over the years, I've gotten those pictures and my mom and dad have seen her a few times, kept in touch, etc. The adoptive parents have always kept the door open for me, which is amazingly wonderful, but at the same time, I feel I'm being pushed into meeting her.
I received an e-mail yesterday from her mom that is basically imploring me to visit, telling me that she is at an age where she needs to find out who she is and put a face to the person who gave birth to her. She feels it's her fault I have not visited, etc. My mom tells me I'm being selfish and that this is about a young girl who wants to find herself.
I don't disagree that she wants to meet me. I do however, think it's so wrong to be trying to guilt me into visiting a child that I am just not ready to see.
I love this girl with everything inside of me but it breaks my heart to think of meeting with her. She was conceived in a very hateful, vicious and illegal manner which I never reported (except to my best friend who was there at the time) because I didn't want her to know or feel that she was the "product" of a bad person, therefore making her a bad person. I know many of my family would have told me to have an abortion and I couldn't do that nor did I want to "taint" who she is. Now I wonder if I should have a heart-to-heart with my mother and tell her the circumstances so she will understand somewhat better.
I'm sorry if I haven't made any sense at all - I just sort of blurted it all out without really editing it I guess I'm just wondering how you feel, as adoptees, when it comes to knowing your birthmother/father. Is my not meeting her while she's young going to affect her? I don't want her to grow up thinking that I abandoned her (since I do have another daughter, born less than 2-years after her) or be angry/confused. I appreciate ANY opinions, ideas you can give me and thank you so much for taking the time to read this.

~becki

[BlackSheep]

I am both a reunited adoptee and a birthmom, so I can see both sides of your question, although my daughter will be 26 in November in a closed adoption and it has been many years since I was your daughter's age.

You did a wonderful job in picking the family that has adopted your daughter and they are trying to help her to heal and fill her need for "holes" that she feels within herself. This is very age appropriate and believe me, she has had and will always feel the abandonment of adoption. She is trying to heal herself in the only way she knows how to do it, by knowing where she came from, who she looks like and feel that she exists in some family tree. You are the first branch in that tree above her and she needs to know that stability. Yes, she has a mom, but you are the womb she knows and the mother she is longing to know outside of that womb.

As far as the circumstances of her birth, I would highly doubt that anyone would be ready at any age to hear those details, but, above all, be honest. The truth is very important to adoptees and from the description you gave about the adoptive family, it sounds as if they have been very open about her adoption. Talk it over with the adoptive mother and get her input as she has reared this child and knows her pretty well at this point. The truth you reveal to her must be age appropriate, if she asks.

Reunion is very hard on both sides and don't forget, also on the adoptive mother as well as all extended family. It would not be unusual that your daughter regresses a bit so she can again be your baby and need your nurturing to help her get through these difficult years for (years difficult for even biological children). I don't think you are being knowingly pressured by the adoptive mother anymore than trying to keep you in involved your daughter life as you indicated you wanted from the beginning. She is also being "the mother" you wanted for your child. She will do anything within her power to try and stop the hurt and help to heal her child. Would you do any less for the child that you are rearing?

When I first spoke and met my birthmom I wasn't so interested in the facts around my conception and birth as much as I needed to know HER and have her know ME. I was 31 when this happened and already married with 2 children. Had I known more about WHO I was when I was younger, I may have avoided so much pain and heartache, but that was already water under the bridge by the time it happened.

I seem to have gotten long winded here and I'm sorry that this has turned out to be so long. I hope that I have given you another perspective to think about.

May God bless you and help all involved to find peace.

[bprice215]

You are one hell of a woman to not abort this daughter, I applaud your intent. Since this is more about her and how she was conceived it is no wonder you wish to not meet her. I think you need to talk more about this very issue before deciding what to do. God does not give us more than we can stand. Who knows why this happened but it did happen. I think I'd share this with her mom first. Let her know there is a reason for your not wanting a face to face. It's okay, all things in time, love will find a way. Best of luck to you.

bprice215

[BethVA62]

I wish I was able to know my mother when I was 14, I didn't get to know her until I was 40. My mother has always been such a big part of me, it would have been very helpful to know this part of me at 14, plus I missed her, she's my mother.
Do your daughters know each other?

I agree with black sheep:
"When I first spoke and met my birthmom I wasn't so interested in the facts around my conception and birth as much as I needed to know HER and have her know ME. I was 31 when this happened and already married with 2 children. Had I known more about WHO I was when I was younger, I may have avoided so much pain and heartache, but that was already water under the bridge by the time it happened."

All I ever know to do is to be honest to myself about my fears, try to figure out what it is that am fearful of and share them with those that matter.

If you're not ready, you just aren't, but try to explain why you aren't and I'll bet everyone involved will help and support you with that. It's always good to have a heart to heart with your Mom

[Dickons]

If you are not ready for a face to face could you write her a letter? There are many on this board who would help/read the letter before you send it to help you as well as calm your fears.

Being a teenager is such a tough time for any child and is a turning point for the rest of their life. I went through a period of being 'madly in love then slamming the door shut to be the one to leave first', I knew I was doing it each time, yet could not stop and believe it to be adoption related...the first to leave meant I would not be abandoned and hurt...it was a vicious cycle that took far to long to stop.

Some contact to you is what she is asking for. I would also guess that it is you not her conception that is the driving force...I would have given anything to meet my mother but I would not have wanted to leave my family...just meet my mother.

I hope you can find the strength to reach out in some way.

Kind regards,
Dickons

[txrnr]

How about a letter and pictures of yourself over the years? I know that may be hard, but I think I would have wanted to know what my mother looked like at my age, and older. Maybe a few stories to go with the pictures, even if you think they're mundane. "Me sitting at Aunt Jane's age 15" etc... gives her some sense of thing you did, enjoyed, or didn't (depending on the picture)


Good luck!

[cksmom]

38 year old adoptee here. Just found bmom 2 months ago. I feel like we have lost so much time and what we are both dealing with now, could have been avoided if we had reunited earlier. She has asked for no contact for now and I'm sure it's because she is wading through 38 years of emotions, fears and guilt. and how to tell her husband of 36 years.

If you can't do a face to face, start slow as pp suggested. email or letters with pictures. Let her know you even from a distance. It will still help her with what she is looking for and not feel rejected. I know you love her and don't reject her but as a 14 yo kid, that is the impression avoiding contact brings. Heck, that is the impression for a 38 yo too.

Hugs to you!!!

[bjc76]

Blacksheep - thank you for your input. I have lived many years with no one but a close friend knowing how my daughter was conceived. I wrote a letter to my own mother today explaining things to her and I will go on to let the adoptive mom know as well. I think the child is too young to know such details, but perhaps when she gets older her mom will simply tell her. You said, "She will do anything within her power to try and stop the hurt and help to heal her child. Would you do any less for the child that you are rearing?"
No - I wouldn't do less. Having a daughter at home myself, I can empathize with the adoptive parents being protective and wanting the best for their child and attempting to resolve any issues she may have. I can't blame them for that and am certainly trying to see it from their point of view.
Thanks again for your response!

take care,
becki

[didi20]

First of all you are my hero for not aborting and I thank you for that...I am an 25 year old adoptee of a closed international adoption...i know nothing about my bmom and would give anything in the world to hear her voice or to have her tell me that she loves me and misses me....i just recently found out that i was the product of a one night stand at a company picnic and that my bmom worked in a paint factory...my abrother told me who is also adopted he read my file...i don't because it hurts too much and i don't know how to handle it...i wish someone had told me what happened earlier because it made me angry at her...i can't really give you advice because i can't handle my own emotions with attempting to deal with my adoption but i would want to hear it from you, however old i was i would want to know and know from you so i could ask you questions and you could answer them just like you told us here, if it was me i would appreciate you loving me enough to give birth to me regardless of the conception and loving me enough to tell me the truth when i asked...i don't know if that made any sense but that's what i would want...like i said i'm in no place to give advice...

also any adoptees out there that can reccommend a good book or way to accept and deal with being adopted...i don't know how and i'm still in the phase of wishing it wasn't true and trying to forget it whenever i think about it...i know that sounds terrible but i've had it bottled up so long i don't know how to get it out and i feel like i'm broken...i hope someone understands me...

[bjc76]

Okay - I was going to write individual responses, but I guess I will just do it all at once - ha ha First of all, thanks to everyone for your opinions/advice/thoughts. I appreciate it more than you know.

Okay - blacksheep - I replied to you, so onward I move.

bprice215....thank you for your kindness. I don't feel like "one hell of a woman," just a woman who did what she had to do. I believe I am going to have a heart to heart with her mom and let her know what's on my mind.

BethVA62... I took your words to heart and wrote my mom a letter today explaining the facts around the conception of my first child. It was very difficult and I'm not sure of her reaction as of yet, but I needed to get it out there. She needed to understand where I'm coming from. And yes, my daughter knows about her sister that was placed for adoption. That is actually what started this. I had e-mailed the adoptive parents and asked if the girls could e-mail each other (they have written in the past). She then mailed me back stating that she believes it would cause confusion/anger/jealousy if she was able to contact my daughter, but not me and wonder why I didn't want anything to do with her. I can understand her worry.

Dickons... I will work on that letter and most likely post it on here so everyone can read it and help me out It's really difficult to think of writing such a letter and I know that the many adoptees in this forum will certainly let me know if I am being sensitive enough or appropriate. That is a very good idea - thank you.

txrnr... last Christmas I sent a photo scrapbook of myself and family to her. She was thrilled to have it according to her AP's. I guess it helped, but she really wants to meet me face-to-face and not just have the pictures anymore. I know it must be difficult for her. She has a brother who sees his birthmom quite a bit and has known her from the time he was a baby...

cksmom...I pray that your birthmom decides to resume contact with you. With everything that is in me, I can't imagine the hurt that any of you have gone through not knowing your birthparents, not being to find them, or finding them only to be rejected. It tears me up that I could be inflicting that on someone else, especially when she's a part of me.

I will at least respond to her mom's email and take it from there. After two nights of not sleeping and thinking, I have decided that within the next 6-months, I will meet her. It is a goal I hope to keep. I know it will hurt like hell and everything inside of me wants to run away, but I can't. I have read so many posts on here and see the heartache of adults looking for birthparents and how they feel they missed out on so much. I don't think I have the heart to continue to let that feeling of rejection be thrust upon this young girl who is at such an impressionable age. I look at her pictures and see myself (she looks exactly like me) and that makes it even more difficult at times. I worry about questions she may ask, her reaction to me... will she like me? think I'm ugly? too fat? too old? ha! Oddly enough - I think many of you probably felt that way before you met your birthmothers....

Thank you again for everything. I'll keep you posted

[bakerjw]

I was adopted in a closed adoption like so many of us 40 year olds. But, I do have some insight on the adopted parents end in open adoptions.

John, one of my best friends and his wife couldn't have any children so they adopted. Being an adoptee, I was at first opposed when they told me that they were going to have open adoptions. They now have 3 adopted children all through open adoptions and I have found myself in support of open adoption.

They regularly hear from the bmother of 2 of their kids and even visit them as vacations. The birth mother of their middle girl never writes or calls even though she knows where they live and has their phone number. John told me that she cried because her birth mom never calls or sends cards like the birth mothers of the other children get.

I know that if john and his wife could talk to the middle daughters birth mother, they would beg and plead for her to call to talk to their daughter. You have an open door that a lot of bparents and adoptees never get to enjoy.

I applaud you for your strength Someday your daughter may know the circumstances of her conception but I don't think that it will matter to her. It might cause some angst as part of the whole teenage drama scene, but in the end it will probably not matter.

[baparrot2]

Please go meet your daughter. The amom is most likely asking more from you because the girl is. She has probably been crying and wondering why you're still rejecting her. I know you're not in that way, but she's just a little girl still and can't process that. Go see her.
Don't worry about the details until she's much older.
Someones happiness might be waiting on your call!
Good luck!

[sonia143]

Oh my word, your story touched me. I'm an adoptee, 42 years old and for me I just wanted to put a face to all the thoughts I have ever had. I know your scared but, for me, I always felt cheated. I never knew where I came from. I feel its unfair not to know your heritage, medical history and more importantly the woman who was so gracious to carry me. I probably had a lot of hate when I was your daughter's age so I can't really commit on situation too much. I think you should tell your mother how she was conceived and then instead of your mother calling you selfish she will finally understand.

I hope this helped a little.

[coynrosey]

I am a 47 yo f adoptee. Had considered searching for bmom for a while and after the recent death of adad, haad an Oprah "ah ha" moment regarding the value of my relationship with this kind, wonderful, loving, and generous man who, as he lay in his bed 4 days before he died, asked me if there was anything he could do for me. Felt an enormous sense of gratitude, love for bmom and want to share with her how my life has been and want to know about her and her life. Finally took action 2 weeks ago by completing affadavit, counseling, sent in to state adoption registry 5 days ago. Received a call yesterday and learned there is a match. Phone # not good, but the lady with the state registry said she called another # that she thinks is for the right person, left message. So, I am trying to contain my excitement, fear, and all the other feelings that have come up. I know God's hand is in this and if it His will, I will meet bmom. She is now 70, as I figure from the non-identifying info I got a few years ago. I know many of you can identify with me at this moment. Pray for me and for her. Wil keep you posted. I am glad to share this experience with you.
Cindy

[cksmom]

It's been a couple of months since your first post, OP. Just wondering how you are feeling and doing!