[Amandak249]

OP ,

You may be correct in saying that I'm a little biased. Jaded even. My birthparents, both of them, have some boundary issues that have made it hard for my parents to readily accept them. Perhaps you're right, but please don't be shocked. It's taken me many years to be able to find a place for everyone in my life. My birthparents are who they are, and they gave me many wonderful things (physical features, intelligence, etc.) But had it not been for my parents, there's a good chance I never would have had the opportunities to cultivate my talents and really achieve my full potential.


If you agreed to a very open adoption , ( maybe I didn't realize exactly HOW open it was when I first posted, my apologies) than you CERTAINLY have an obligated to fulfill your end of the deal. But as I said previously, though your choices and actions are the direct cause of the child's pain or angst or whatever the emotions may be, it is no longer your complete responsibility to help her work it out.


AsI said before, if you feel you have something helpful to bring to the table at this time, it will be very beneficial to her, and I think you should respect your agreement to an open adoption, and give it all you've got.

Openness doesn't mean openness without discretion. You just need to know your boundaries. The ones for you and this child, as well as your own, internal boundaries. Don't let guilt or love influence you too strongly. This girl needs all the stability she can get, and if you can give her some help, it'll be great.


I didn't mean to offend, only to help.

[BrockBaby]

This has been an interesting thread to follow...but I am in the depths of trying to figure out how I feel about my own issues right now to give out unbiased opinions.....

I agree that the journal should wait. Sometimes in life, the good intentions we have aren't met with the enthusiasim that we would hope for...and that is when waiting is in the best interest of everyone involved. At her age, I don't think that she would be able to grasp the true gift you were giving her....perhaps you could get her a necklace with her birthstone and yours? Or just hers...something like that!?!

[Amandak249]

I re read some previous posts that I had not seen before, and I wanted to add a few more things.

I saw many people accusing you of not putting your child's needs first, of being selfish , etc.

I don’t see it like that. Given, I am an adoptee, so my opinion is probably clouded by personal issues and my own experiences. But I don’t think that this has anything to do with selfishness on your part.

Bringing a birthmother into a situation that she is not ready to be in, is a serious, serious mistake. End of story. These adoptive parents, in my opinion, care about you primarily as someone who could help out their daughter. They wouldn’t invite you if they knew how upset this situation made you. Perhaps they feel you owe this child something, an explanation perhaps. And on many levels , you do. You brought this child into the world, by choice (as in you chose to carry full term) You made an adoption agreement by choice. There are always repercussions, and here they are, surfacing when you least expect them. Shame on a birthmother if she is to cowardly to face them. (NOT reflecting on you! Just an in general statement. Clearly you are not cowardly at all, as it's evident you are trying very hard to do the best thing you can. )


I feel for you, as I do for all birthparents, including my own. I cannot imagine the pain, nor do I ever want to. I have seen the deep emotional scarring that has been left on my birthmother, and the love I feel for her is a mix of gratitude and pity. And for a very long time, and maybe even a bit now, anger.

Now that this child wants to see you (or is it really just the parents? Think about that.) You are going to have to make another choice. One that is all your own. And just like with all of the other choices regarding this baby, you will have to live with whatever you do for the rest of your life, as will she.

Don’t let anyone pressure you, but think long and hard about everything you do regarding this adoption. It may hurt for you, yes, but it hurts for this child as well. Do whatever you think you need to do, but be very cautious. There may come a day when you are ready for a relationship, and this girl will tell you to go fly a kite because you may have disappointed her too many times. You have no claim to this child, much as you, as her biological mother, feel you do. She may always feel some tenderness towards you, but blood is not the entire story. If you mess up enough, she'll know it, and react. The fact that you share genetic material does not make up for good parenting. I don't want you to feel like you can just pop in and out as you please, and she'll always be waiting for you .That is not the case.

I see that you love her, and please don’t misunderstand me. No one can force you to do anything, and if you have to be convinced to see this little girl, think twice about doing so. If you feel you have something to offer her, something that could help her, and if you are ready to be a permanent person in her life, go for it. You’ll be rewarded many times over.

If not, save her the heartbreak, and wait until you can. You’ve always had a choice. This child has never had one. Doing the right thing for her does NOT mean that you have to sacrifice your needs , as some people are insinuating. It’s not about sacrifice anymore, it’s about mutual respect and love. Know your boundaries, make them known to others, and do what you can to help without sacrificing your mental health. You've got all the right intentions, now on to the logistics.




edited to add that I applaud you for caring so much as to create a thread. Many birthmothers would not. Also, thankyou for taking my previous post in the spirit in which it was intended. I'm trying very hard to see it from both point of views.

[wishfulthinker]

bjc,
I'm so happy to see that you've had a change of heart about meeting your daughter. I'm sure it will not be easy, but I do hope that you both share in the feeling of joy, love and a mother/child connection when you meet next month.

I am also glad to see that the responses to your post helped you to see your daughter in a different light - as your daughter (and not just the result of a horrible event). I know that some of the responses you received came across a bit harsh (mine included), but it's a great thing how you didn't get defensive and rather opened your heart and your mind. It's nice to see that these forums are helping people to see their circumstances from different points of view in a very helpful way.

Best wishes for a great reunion. You are very blessed to have this opportunity. What a wonderful Christmas present for you both!

[rainmon]

I am relieved to see that the conception details are not being disclosed to the child. as I can't see what purpose it would serve.
If you were raising your own child concieved in a rape you would want to "protect" that child from the hurtful details. so whats the difference if they were adopted out? I mean conception is private....who needs to know conception details? and why would someone ever ask such a personal question. I mean it could have been a one night stand and the guy just used the girl for sex....said he loved her, then just disappeared and broke her heart. what difference does it make really....it's personal private information and nobody else needs to know unless she feels she wants to share it.
I really don't even feel that the a-parents need to know.
for one thing, conversations could get overheard somehow by someone not having the childs best interest in mind and the child could find out by accident and cause lots of pain hearing it through gossip. the birthmother should just talk to a qualified counselor like was suggested by another, and learn how to feel better about herself so she can one day meet her daughter without fear.

[tanzy]

Please see your daughter. Life is to short. I'm 45 years old and never got to see my birth mother. She died in a car accident when I was 2 years old. I always wondered about her. I have a few pictures. I often wish I could have talked to her. Especially during those confusing teen years. I have a very loving adoptive family that I wouldn't trade for anything. But still I always felt the pain of being rejected by my birth parents. Like I wasn't good enough for them. Let your daughter know that really isn't the case. She just really needs to know that you really do care and that you gave her up out of love not because she wasn't good enough for you. One day when she learns of how she was made she may feel that is why you wouldn't see her. Like you felt she was damaged goods. So make sure you talk to her and let her know she is loved before that happens. Please don't wait! This is more important to your daughter than you know.

[McGuire103183]

Im a 25 year old adoptee and I can relate to what you are feeling. A book that I recently read that helped me understand some of what my bio-mom must have been going through was The Girls Who Went Away, by Anna Fessler. It is about birth moms and what they went through making the decision (or being forced) to put their children up for adoption. Another book that may help normalize your feelings (it's written for adoptive parents) is Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew by Sherrie Eldgride. Good luck and hang in there.