[kune]

From one birthmother to another
This is all about you!! It's about your birthmotherhood. About your emotions and your fears and your state of mind. To commence a face to face relationship without being ready to commit to a future would be (In My Opinion) a hasty mistake.

As the adult you carry much responsibility. I presume this young woman who is your daughter knows you love her at a primal level and she has a real need to know you personally, but from your posts it appears to be the amom who is making the "meeting in person" a priority so ....... I suggest you take your time, read as many adoption related books as possible and when it feels right... go into the meeting with a bold heart and the wish to make this a lasting reunion.

I am reuninted with my son. He did want to know why he was placed; he wanted to know who his father was and what our relationship was. There was some anger on his part, and some sorrow on mine when I came face-to-face with what I had lost. re Conception - There are some things I chose not to relate - at the time I said "I am not ready to talk about that yet". While it may have been important to him at the time, as the years have gone by he has never asked the question again. Maybe he didn't need an answer or maybe he knew I preferred not to share that with him. Your story is yours - to share with whom you feel comfortable.

Reunion itself is not easy - it's a mine-field. You spend years walking on egg-shells and it has this amazing emotional affect on not only you, but your other close family members. You need to be strong and wise and compassionate with yourself first and get to a place where you are ready to commit a large part of your life to another person (and their afamily).

Don't judge yourself. Accept you made the best decision you could for your daughter in the circumstances and will again do what is right for both of you ...in your own time. And...you don't need to be younger or slimmer or more wealthy or more articulate. You need to love you and know you have a special place in this young woman's life.

Hugs to you
Ann

[kune]

And to those adoptees who think that the adoptees need are paramount.......
I don't believe any one person in the adoption triad is more important than the other - we all were dependant on the other. Without a birthmother there is no child - and without a child there is no adoption and ...amother /father could not fulfil their dream of being a family.
Ann

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by kune

And to those adoptees who think that the adoptees need are paramount.......
I don't believe any one person in the adoption triad is more important than the other - we all were dependant on the other. Without a birthmother there is no child - and without a child there is no adoption and ...amother /father could not fulfil their dream of being a family.
Ann

Ann,
When you are dealing with a young child...yes the adoptees needs ARE paramount! If in fact that can not be seen and underestood then it only proves my point that adoption is about the adults in the situation.

In an adult to adult situation there is the premise that BOTH have to understand each others needs. When I hear comments like " I am not going to let her/him hurt me like that...(bmom talking about adoptee) I am seeing NO understanding from bmom...only there own self prot4ection. I am seeing NO understanding of the facts of an adoptees life, only the fact of bmom pain.

When i hear comments like " I don't begrudge you your pain" I get the feeling that an adoptees pain is minimized, nothing to take that serious....Lack of understanding, when I here how bmoms need to "unite" unite about what...aganist those pesky children that are not getting it?

Just the defensivness I encounter when ever I bring up the fact that adoptees need to be seen differntly then they are now, just when empowerment of adoptees is talked about both birth and adoptive parents jump like we need to be put in out place.....

Like I have said time and time agin..the parents are giving the understanding by most adoptees....in fact its our survival to understand our parents...if we don't we can not get the very thing we need that was given to us by both sets of parents life, love and security. We are unable to be who we really are as the potential for the very people that are most important in our lives will be hurt.

One person is NOT more important if the unique situaions of all are truly undeerstood and I have only seen a handful of parents(both birth and adoptive) truly get it and temper themselves to the adoptees unique needs.

I am truly sorry, but thats the way I see it.

Me, as a parent trys very hard not to do things that may potentially hurt my children, bottom line it is not my needs that are important it is theirs(as young children) ...isn't that what ALL parents should at least think about?

[dpen6]

In terms of your comparision of "without bmother theres no adoptee"...your right...but the birthmother made the choice(whether it was the best or worst choice is not the point) to completly change the course of the adoptees life. To potentially change who they were to become...(for better or worse) and as much as it may have been a good thing..there are still issues for an adoptee that can only be anwered by bfamily....

It IS not an even steven type situation.....the adoptee is automically at a disadvantage by not having any choice. You can not say the the postions of bmother, adoptee and aparents are all the same because they are not

[RavenSong]

Hi, Becki...

I want to bring up one aspect that has not been addressed on your thread. Have you ever sought out any counseling from your local Rape Crisis Center? Even though the rape occurred 15 years ago, you are still eligible to receive free counseling thru a Rape Crisis Center. They will welcome you with open arms, believe me.

I've survived two rapes, the first of which was particularly brutal (three men left me for dead in an alley behind some trashcans). I eventually became an outreach worker for a Rape Crisis Center, and I've come to believe that rape counseling is necessary and vital for rape survivors. Even though years have passed, I believe that such counseling could be very beneficial for you, and could even help in your reunion with your bdaughter.

I know how difficult this must be for you, and how painful it is to face your daughter one-on-one. You do not have to tell her about the rape right now, especially if you don't want to talk about it. (Personally, I know it would have been very hard for me to deal with it at the age of 14. It was hard enough on me when my mom told me at age 15 that she had never loved my dad. I went thru the whole thing about questioning the validity of my existence.) You can simply tell your daughter that you aren't ready yet to talk about her conception. On the other hand, she may not even be ready to ask you questions about her bfather.

I wish to God that I had been given the chance to know my son face-to-face when he was 14. He was a very troubled teenager, and his parents tried to locate me for his best interests. Unfortunately, state laws in California prohibited direct contact at that time until the age of 18. The county adoption agency acted as intermediary, allowing the exchange of letters, photos, and gifts. But they wouldn't let us meet, or give us each others' last names.

His parents felt so strongly about bringing me back into his life that they undertook their own search for me. But they hit a dead-end. So our son had to wait for four years to meet me. It would have helped him, especially in terms of his own self-image and sense of worth, if we could have reunited when he was 14.

Although it may not feel like it, you've been given an incredible opportunity, one that is not offered to many birthmoms. You have the opportunity now to be a true blessing in your daughter's life...to help her heal. She's still a child, and it sounds like she's hurting a lot. You placed her for adoption because it was in her best interests. She's still a child, and her best interests are still critical at this point in time. I think you can help her. And maybe by helping her, focusing on her, you can help heal yourself.

Good luck on your journey. Keep posting here. We're all listening...

[wishfulthinker]

I would never ever tell anyone, especially a child that she is here because her mother made an "unfortunate choice not to use birth control". That would be an incredibly cruel thing to say.

I believe that everyone is put on this earth for a reason. Everyone has a purpose here. Even those of us who were born out of "unfortunate choices" and relinquished for adoption deserve to be treated with dignity and allowed priviliges that all others have.

The daughter of the OP is not merely the product of any unfortunate choice or act. She is a human being born with the pure heart and innocence that every other person on the face of this earth is born with. Again, I would urge the OP to start seeing her daughter as just that - her daughter & treat her as such. Just because the man that fathered her little girl did something horrible to her doesn't make it alright for her to hide behind the pain from 14 years ago and not consider the wants and needs of her precious, innocent child.

[wishfulthinker]

[quote=kune][font="Comic Sans MS"]From one birthmother to another
Your story is yours - to share with whom you feel comfortable.


As a birthmom, your story is not yours alone. It is also your child's. Of course it's not necessary to give all of the gory details - especially in the case of the OP. How very selfish not to tell your child any of your story just because you're not comfortable with it. Everyone deserves to know their history, at least to some extent.

[Dickons]

Kune,
((taken from your post)
"I presume this young woman who is your daughter knows you love her at a primal level and she has a real need to know you personally, but from your posts it appears to be the amom who is making the "meeting in person" a priority so ....... I suggest you take your time, read as many adoption related books as possible and when it feels right... go into the meeting with a bold heart and the wish to make this a lasting reunion.")

As an adoptee...we are conditioned to believe our birth parents loved us enough to give us a better home. Me, in my reality as a child, believed I was fatally flawed in a way I could not see but others could, and that was obviously why I was given away and could be again...a child's reality is only what they have experienced so 'assuming' the child knows deep down inside that their birth mother loves them is in my opinion something to make the birth parent feel better.

And why is it because the 'amom believes the child needs to meet in person' it is not urgent and she should take her time, read lots of books, etc. The AMOM has reached out to the BMOTHER because it is the only thing she can think to help her CHILD at a truly hard age for an adoptee, that is unconditional love and understanding only a mother can have.

Your post has disturbed me greatly and makes me incredibly sad.

Regards,
Dickons

[bjc76]

I'll try to respond to everyone who wrote since my last post....

lvnlife...thank you for your thoughts as a bmom. I appreciate it. I am working through my own issues so I will be ready to meet her and have that relationship.

Wishfulthinker…. I’m sure I did confuse you. You haven’t been in my situation, nor I yours so of course we can’t understand each other. But I can see why you would be confused with my choice of open adoption, just to turn and shut that door. To explain a bit better… I was 18, scared and carrying a baby that was conceived from violence. At first I planned to abort but realized that her father isn’t what SHE would be and just couldn’t do it. We have one agency in my area that deals with adoption and it’s open adoption. I didn’t know anything else. Would I have chosen a closed if I had the choice? I really don’t know. I was happy to be able to ready adoptive parent bios and meet them to get a feeling of who would raise my child. Although I haven’t seen her in years, I have kept in contact and have never just “written her off” or completely rejected her. Like I said in a previous post – I thought that was enough. And until her mom told me otherwise, I really didn’t know she wanted to see me face to face. I thought perhaps one day she would, but I didn’t know when. Please understand…I love her. Don’t ever think that I don’t. You asked “isn’t it a lot more painful to never see your child again?” and I have to be honest and answer that through the years, I have believed it would be more painful TO see her. Maybe things would be different if her conception was different, but it wasn’t and it’s the association of an act that I never really got over that terrified me when it came to seeing her. I’m dealing with that in the best way that I know how.


Joskids – thank you for your understanding and support. After reading so many heart wrenching stories from adoptees and hearing opinions, I truly pray that your sons bio mom will want to have contact in the future. It’s important…as I’m finding out. But thank you for your willingness to be patient and respect her at the same time.

Cetalley – thank you for your words and insight.

Dpen6 – If you took anything I said as an “admonishment,” I really and truly apologize. I never meant to sound that way or come across as angry at anyone for what they said. I am merely answering any posts I get. More than you know, I appreciate every single word that is typed whether it is with compassion or anger. I have learned so much and have been so enlightened by all of you that I could never thank you enough for that. When I first came here and asked for opinions, that is exactly what I wanted, whether good or bad. You are right that as a young lady, my bdaughter is the most important part of this equation. Absolutely. I agree 150%. If it’s one thing I don’t want to do, it’s allow her to grow up being angry, confused and feeling like she didn’t matter to me. I want her to know this side of herself and everyone involved and be able to answer her questions and fulfill those needs that you stress.

Scott – thank you. Your page…wow. You made me think… a lot.

Richland – Thanks! Yes, she does have pics and letters from me. It’s kind of eerie – she looks exactly like me, actually. Not one stitch of her birthfather, which is a blessing in itself.

To everyone – again, thank you. You have all made me smile and cry and have really helped me. If not for you, I really think I may have swept this all under the rug for another year. But my daughter – my firstborn – has a special place in my heart, regardless of how she was conceived, and aside from the fact of my own pain. I have read from many of you and can “see” pain that you went through growing up and even now and I don’t want that for her. If I can do anything to make that not happen, than I believe I have to do so.

One thing I have to say which I think was something that was a big breakthrough for me was the fact that every one of you has called me her mother and she my daughter. From the day I put her in another woman’s arms in the hospital, I stopped using those terms. In my mind, I had no right to use them: I was not her mother, she was not my daughter. I associated that “legal” termination with my heart and mind. To have that repeatedly written by you and read that – well…wow. I can’t explain how that felt, or how it still feels. But I have begun to call her my daughter…

Our visit is set for January.

[bjc76]

Wishful - I will tell her about her conception when she is an adult. I'm not sure what I would tell her if she asked now, but it wouldn't be anything about not using birth control. I just don't think she needs to know at almost 14-yrs-old what happened; it might make her feel worse or be more confused. But I plan to talk to her parents about it anyway and see what they think.

[cetalley]

Originally Posted by Dickons

Kune,
((taken from your post)
"I presume this young woman who is your daughter knows you love her at a primal level and she has a real need to know you personally, but from your posts it appears to be the amom who is making the

As an adoptee...we are conditioned to believe our birth parents loved us enough to give us a better home. Me, in my reality as a child, believed I was fatally flawed in a way I could not see but others could, and that was obviously why I was given away and could be again...a child's reality is only what they have experienced so 'assuming' the child knows deep down inside that their birth mother loves them is in my opinion something to make the birth parent feel better.

And why is it because the 'amom believes the child needs to meet in person' it is not urgent and she should take her time, read lots of books, etc. The AMOM has reached out to the BMOTHER because it is the only thing she can think to help her CHILD at a truly hard age for an adoptee, that is unconditional love and understanding only a mother can have.

Your post has disturbed me greatly and makes me incredibly sad.

Regards,
Dickons

I m ALWAYS given insight by you dear DICKONS! I agree with you, but might add, that I feel when a person is not in a healthy place, she needs to get there before, having the face to face, this 14 yr olds mom is suggesting. So, this is why I love your idea on reading as many books as she can get her hands on, taking her time to get healthy. DPEN, I also appreciate your perspective, and respect that insight as well. I know the OP has had contact with the daughter, but feel she would not be of any use, if she goes into her f2f, with emtional issues of rape, this child will not benefit with seeing her firstmom if firstmom is not healthy at being able to confront her past, and firstmom sees only the reminder of her rape, when looking at the daughter. I would not want to make my child feel any more rejection than I have alredy inflicted. I feel to help her, firstmom needs to get help first. Again this is not about whose feelings in the triad are more important, this is about a woman whom pulled out from OA, because she no longer could face the pain-shame of rape...she needs to address this aspect which is unhealthy for her 2 young children and hubby as well, especially before re-opening contact, with this child that needs her firstmom...but she needs a firstmom whom is 100% in touch with her emotions. JMHO! OP, I am so happy you are going to see her in January, Please take Dickons advice, please get healthy, for you, your daughter, and your young children at home. All any of them need is a healthy adjusted, happy mom...Blessings!

[bjc76]

Dickons... you said, "Me, in my reality as a child, believed I was fatally flawed in a way I could not see but others could...."

That really struck me. My bdaughter was born with the genetic illness - cystic fibrosis. Unfortunately, chance struck and the biological father and I were both carriers. This has been something that has been brought up, by her, to her mom. She has wondered if THAT is the reason I placed her for adoption and didn't "want her." Of course, that isn't anywhere close to the reason, as we didn't even know she had the illness until she was about 2 years old. But it made me stop and pause when you said that you believed you were flawed. It's heartbreaking to hear that any child would think that way...

thank you for sharing that piece of yourself.

[dpen6]

bjc76,

I can see the love and attempt at understanding you are working around. I truly do have empathy for your position and can only imagine how hard it must be.

THank YOU for being the wonderful person YOU are for attmpting to what is best for your daughter. Sometimes things get heated because for many of us a raw nerve is being hit in this whole adoption thing.

I know my writing skills are not the best and do come off as harsh sometimes. i honestly don't mean it to hurt.

Please keep us posted on your feelings and on your meeting with your daughter.

[BethVA62]

"When you are dealing with a young child...yes the adoptees needs ARE paramount! If in fact that can not be seen and underestood then it only proves my point that adoption is about the adults in the situation."

have to agree with that one.

It's been my understanding that adoption is all about the child's best interests, or at least is supposed to be.

Bjc76, I am So Very Glad to hear that you feel like your daughters mother, that you saw that was missing, it's as simple as that

Mother you are and will always be

[Dickons]

Originally Posted by cetalley

I m ALWAYS given insight by you dear DICKONS! I agree with you, but might add, that I feel when a person is not in a healthy place, she needs to get there before, having the face to face, this 14 yr olds mom is suggesting. So, this is why I love your idea on reading as many books as she can get her hands on, taking her time to get healthy. DPEN, I also appreciate your perspective, and respect that insight as well. I know the OP has had contact with the daughter, but feel she would not be of any use, if she goes into her f2f, with emtional issues of rape, this child will not benefit with seeing her firstmom if firstmom is not healthy at being able to confront her past, and firstmom sees only the reminder of her rape, when looking at the daughter. I would not want to make my child feel any more rejection than I have alredy inflicted. I feel to help her, firstmom needs to get help first. Again this is not about whose feelings in the triad are more important, this is about a woman whom pulled out from OA, because she no longer could face the pain-shame of rape...she needs to address this aspect which is unhealthy for her 2 young children and hubby as well, especially before re-opening contact, with this child that needs her firstmom...but she needs a firstmom whom is 100% in touch with her emotions. JMHO! OP, I am so happy you are going to see her in January, Please take Dickons advice, please get healthy, for you, your daughter, and your young children at home. All any of them need is a healthy adjusted, happy mom...Blessings!

Sorry Cetally - you read my post incorrectly - the reading books taking her time etc was Kune's quote that upset me at a time when the child just wants to meet her.

Kind regards,
Dickons