[Caedwyn]

I am a 41 year old adoptee. I was one of those 'angry' adoptees who started searching the minute I was old enough to go to the Library by myself.

I understand your reluctance to meet your daughter, and that it is painful for you, but..

This isn't about YOU!

This is about your birth-daughter, and what she needs. And what she needs right now is to NOT feel so rejected. If you are any kind of parent, you will put her needs first. That's what parents - even birth parents - are supposed to do. There's no need to tell her the circumstances of her conception right now - although she will ask, so you'll need to find a way to word it that will both be the truth but not the whole truth. Even if you just tell her that it is still too painful for you to talk about, but that you will tell her when you're ready. Make her understand that you've stayed away not because of her - (at this age, everything is about her in her mind) but because of your own pain & emotional problems. You have to try to make it clear to her that you're not seeing her isn't about rejecting her, but about your own emotional pain. She may not understand it fully right now, but she will remember it. And once these awful teenage years are done, she will understand it - and appreciate the fact that you braved that emotional pain on her behalf. It won't completely cure her pain in this moment in time - but it will help her be able to process these emotions positively in the future.

My birth mother's story is similar to yours - she was raped by a man she had dated briefly. I've got to be honest, if I had found that out at 14, I would have questioned my own right to exist, I would have been so horrified. I didn't find my B-mom until I was over 30, though, so was able to handle it somewhat philosophically. If I ever find my b-dad, I'm going to be sure to give him a swift & painful kick in the balls. (OK, not so philosophically)

Good luck!

[fredstopp]

Becki, I understand the difficulty in your situation,however you choose to have an open adoption which means at the time you wanted to be in contact with your b-daughter and it is my opinion that this desicion was one that cannot be reversed without hurting your b-daughter. At 14 i feel the curcumstances of her conception shouldn't be mentioned. In fact it should problaby be never mentioned. Anyway this is just my opinion, goodluck fredstopp

[bjc76]

Okay --- let me update everyone. I wrote to her mom and told her that I will plan a visit in a couple of months - after the holidays. I want some more time to wrap my head around it.

Now this next part may sound a bit pissy, and I don't intend it for everyone, so please don't take it the wrong way. It's only for certain responses.

I appreciate EVERYONE's opinions. But I do take issues with anyone who says "this isn't about YOU (meaning me)." Because personally, I believe that yes...it is very MUCH about me. As adoptees, you have all gone through some things - wondering about your birthparents, who you are like, etc. Much the same way that my birth daughter is. I don't begrudge any of you (or her) that. I can't know how difficult it is, but I know it must be tough. But no matter what -- this is not just about YOU either! To tell me, "if you are any kind of parent, you will put her needs first..." is just messed up. Do you not think that I put her needs first and foremost when I put her in the arms of another woman to raise? Can you imagine the heart-wrenching pain that I felt or how damaging it was to me as a woman? I "get" that this is about a child. I "get" that you went through the same thing. But please - always try to remember that this is NOT just about the kids that are placed for adoption. You are not the only ones that went through hell. While you were growing up wondering where you came from, why you were given up, who you are.... your birthmother may have been wondering where you are, how you are, if you are okay, if she did the right thing, if she's a horrible person....
I take offense at the fact that it is always, always, ALWAYS about the kids and always about the adoptive parents and their struggles. Then again - for you - you may believe it has been about protecting birthparents and NOT about the kids when dealing with sealed records, etc. I guess it depends which side of the triad you are on. I will never, ever know the pain that you have felt at being adopted. And I would never try to 'pooh pooh' that away or act as though it doesn't matter. Please don't act as though mine doesn't matter.

And if I've offended ANYONE - I'm truly very, very sorry. Like I said - I appreciate your opinions regardless of what they are. You have all been wonderful and have given me words from your heart and that is so meaningful to me. I know that I've touched on some pain and nerves in some people and heartache in others. Again - I don't know your pain just as you don't know mine. I'm trying to understand the best I can which is why I'm here. If I seemed harsh in this response, it's because this time a nerve was hit with me.

Thank you.

[dpen6]

Heres the thing...it is about adoptees in that we are the ones that were adopted....no choice, no input, our lifes from day one were changed because of decsions made for us. If there is no adoptee, theer is no adoption ...period. If the child was not placed there would be no adoption. Our essential, most basic lives totally changed AT BIRTH...we were born, placed, and became a member of another family. All the while being told it was the best thing for us...for many of us it was the best thing. So yes adoption is about the adoptee as without them there is no adoption!



When you are dealing with young children and teens ...well I have to disagree it is all about the adoptee it is not until that person is adult and can see and understand their world as an adult to you expect anything from them(except basic respect....no swearing, namecalling ect.).at that point it is their needs first. Seriously if moms and dads are having trouble with their own emotion I firmly beleive that they need to take care of that BEFORE bringing young ones into it... Thats where ..yes...it is all about the adoptee.

In terms of who has the most pain, well thats variable, but most important...ITS NOT A COMPETION...life sucks sometimes and its a huge waste of time to compete about who has it the worst. As a birthmom you are going to hear many stories of adoptees having trouble, some having no trouble and some not wanting to have anything to do with their bparents and it needs to be all understood and respected. As adoptees we need to understand that their will be some bmoms that due to their own terror and lack of emotional strength will not be able to have relationships with their off spring, some may want/need to much.... ..the scenarios are endless. And it all needs to be respected...only one caveat....I thinks its more then horrible when bfamilies hold back information that the adoptee wants/needs..whatever the reason!

Open records/open information should be mandated. Relationships need to be negotiated.nobody can force a relationship.....

[Caedwyn]

I appreciate EVERYONE's opinions. But I do take issues with anyone who says "this isn't about YOU (meaning me)." Because personally, I believe that yes...it is very MUCH about me.

Sorry, honey - it is not very much about you - it's about your birthdaughter, who unlike you is still a child. You are an adult, & as I mentioned in the earlier post, at her age, kids think EVERYTHING is about them. Sorry if you took offense, I didn't mean to insult you. What I was trying to convey is that at this age, kids internalize everything - and as an adoptee, she is more likely than not supersensitive to rejection of any kind.

I in no way meant to minimize your pain, and I'm sorry if you thought that I was. I know it's there, and I know it's hard to deal with - but you are the ADULT in this situation, she is the CHILD - and she is still A child. For her sake you need to act like an adult, put it aside, at least momentarily, & relieve her pain and ease her fears of rejection. Remember, she was the ONLY one with NO choice in this situation. No matter how young you were when you had her, you were not a child. YOU got to make ALL the choices - including having an open adoption. You can't back off from that now. You have no idea of the amount of damage you could do to her.


As adoptees, you have all gone through some things - wondering about your birthparents, who you are like, etc. Much the same way that my birth daughter is. I don't begrudge any of you (or her) that. I can't know how difficult it is, but I know it must be tough. But no matter what -- this is not just about YOU either! To tell me, "if you are any kind of parent, you will put her needs first..." is just messed up.

No, this is not messed up. That's what parents do. I've been both a child and a parent, and the kids needs come first. Period.

Do you not think that I put her needs first and foremost when I put her in the arms of another woman to raise? Can you imagine the heart-wrenching pain that I felt or how damaging it was to me as a woman? I "get" that this is about a child. I "get" that you went through the same thing. But please - always try to remember that this is NOT just about the kids that are placed for adoption. You are not the only ones that went through hell. While you were growing up wondering where you came from, why you were given up, who you are.... your birthmother may have been wondering where you are, how you are, if you are okay, if she did the right thing, if she's a horrible person....

Well, you have an OPEN adoption - you don't need to wonder where or how she is. Apparently, she needs to wonder a hell of a lot about you, and that's wrong.

I take offense at the fact that it is always, always, ALWAYS about the kids and always about the adoptive parents and their struggles. Then again - for you - you may believe it has been about protecting birthparents and NOT about the kids when dealing with sealed records, etc. I guess it depends which side of the triad you are on. I will never, ever know the pain that you have felt at being adopted. And I would never try to 'pooh pooh' that away or act as though it doesn't matter. Please don't act as though mine doesn't matter.

And if I've offended ANYONE - I'm truly very, very sorry. Like I said - I appreciate your opinions regardless of what they are. You have all been wonderful and have given me words from your heart and that is so meaningful to me. I know that I've touched on some pain and nerves in some people and heartache in others. Again - I don't know your pain just as you don't know mine. I'm trying to understand the best I can which is why I'm here. If I seemed harsh in this response, it's because this time a nerve was hit with me.

Thank you.[/quote]

[bjc76]

As i said before - thank you for all your input.

Caedwyn - yes, you are right that as a parent my kids come first. I agree with you on that. I wasn't saying it was messed up to believe that, I was saying it was messed up to admonish me for that without totally knowing where I'm coming from. But no matter... here's what's going on: I am putting her first, which is why I contacted her mother to set something up for after the holidays. I am only waiting to hear back from her. But I also want to be sure that I am ready for that contact. NOT in the way that you may think...I don't want it to be all about me. I have a 12 yr old daughter myself so I realize that to kids that age it's all drama (oh, the drama...). But I want to make sure that SHE will be able to come out of any visit okay. If I go into it a complete mess...well, I don't think that will do her any good either.

As for "competing" for the greatest pain (as mentioned by dpen6)....you are right. No competition. I will never, nor will ever try, to know the full depth of an adoptees pain, frustration and questions. I can't. None of you ever had a choice and had to grow up knowing much of nothing. I do agree with you that open records should be available - not only because of the possibility of a relationship, but also due to simple health reasons. It makes sense.

One more comment for Caedwyn - you mentioned that she apparently has had to wonder a hell of a lot about me. That's not entirely true. I have kept in contact through letters and pictures. Last Christmas I made a scrapbook of myself from infancy to now. I haven't been 100% unavailable. BUT I haven't seen her face-to-face or in contact as regularly as I should - or I guess as much as she wants me to be. That's my fault. And honestly, I have to tell you that until a couple months ago when I heard from her mom, I didn't really think it mattered to her. Through the years I've thought about her all the time, but it never occurred to me that she might be hurting because I've not been in more contact. I just figured she had her family, was busy with friends and her life and that was just the way it is. Until I visited this forum, I didn't comprehend that at her age she'd really put much thought into it. That's my big blunder and I will whole-heartedly admit it.

Don't apologize for causing me any pain I'm sure I made you angry or offended. I needed your "tough" words along with everyone's words. It's helping me to sort it all out and REALLY, REALLY has helped me to see where my birth daughter is coming from. I'm very thankful I found this forum.

I will continue to keep everyone updated and let you know how the visit goes once I get it set up...hopefully January? Just waiting to hear...

[lvnlfe]

Hi there....

Wow amazing thread here.... I hope you don't mind adding my 2 cents in. I am a birthmom, and did not have the fortunate avenue of an open adoption, I would of jumped for joy over that.

BJ I do understand to a degree where you are coming from, it appears you have a lot of anxiety, and stress over this.

But as one birthmom to another, please just try to find the courage to just do what your daughter needs from you, decpite your own feelings on this.

I have been in reunion with my daughter now all grown up for 18 months now. For me, since I didn't get to see her until she was grown, not knowing what she looked like throughout all these years, and vise versa. Not knowing if she was still alive, was she loved, did she have security, etc. I still would of given anything to be in your shoes.

It is difficult your feelings you are going through, but please just do this for her. If anything you will be giving her a gift, the gift of your daughter having memories of you while she is growing up. I believe in my heart, it will also start the healing process for the both of you. It really needs to be done. You may surprise yourself how good this will be for you too.

The emotional rollercoaster that my daughter and I went through for the 1st year was good and hard both at the same time. But one thing I did, was not allow my feelings coming into the equation when it came to my daughter. I am the adult and her first mom, it is my job just to be there and not be weak and worry about my own feelings. I saved my own insecurities when I was alone with no one around and got through this.

Now my daughter and I are both in a better place. Will we have obstacles to conquer in the future? I am sure yes. But as her First Mom, I chose to do what is right for her and not for me. Whether we raise our child or not, it is our responsibilities as Moms to do the right thing for our child no matter how young or how old they are.


I wish you the best of luck with your visit, I am sure everything will work out fine.

Keep us posted when you finally get to visit her..

XOXO

[cksmom]

adoption is about the child. not to discount what the bmom goes through at any level BUT dpen said it...without the adoptee, there would be no adoption.

I'm 38 and found my bmom. She has made this reunion all about her, her pain, her agenda and then pulled out of reunion. I'm a grown woman and I can't tell you how much that hurt. it's not because I did not have a fantastic a-family and now my own wonderful family...it hurt tremendously because she is my mother and I do need her on some level.

I'm glad you are there for her and soon will see her. She clearly needs it and I know it hurts you, but thank you for giving her that.

[wishfulthinker]

bjc,

I am completely confused by your train of thought. You agreed to an open adoption so that you could choose your daughter's parents and visit her as she is growing up. Yet you say that seeing your 2 year old daughter was too painful so you decided you never want to see her again?? Isn't it a lot more painful to never see your child again? Is it a coincidence that you had another child that you kept around this time? Did you just replace your daugher in your mind?

As a searching adoptee, I think it is very important to know where you came from. I feel so sad for your daughter. You continue to reject her throughout her life.

I have never given up a child for adoption, but as a mother, I could never imagine having a daughter out there in the world who wants to meet me and rejecting her.
I agree with your parents that you are being selfish and this IS about a young girl - YOUR daughter who STILL wants to know you even after you have gone back on your agreement to an open adoption and you have continued to reject her. At least they have gotten to know her. How does that feel - that your parents are involved with your rejected child?

I agree with your daughter's amother that she is a young woman who has a need to know where she came from. This lady who you chose to raise your child entered into this adoption with the intent of raising your daughter in an open adoption. At least she is a mother for YOUR daughter who has the child's best interests at heart.

I do agree with you on one thing - that it is ridiculous for your parents to guilt you into meeting your daughter. No one should have to GUILT you into having some kind of maternal feelings for your own child.

As far as the circumstances surrounding how your daughter was concieved - she is nothing but an innocent child whose mother is forcing her to pay the price for situations way beyond her control. She is YOUR daughter - your own flesh and blood.

You say you've raised another child, so don't you have any kind of concern about your first born?? If you really did have any kind of love for her, you would meet her. How could a mother not want to meet her own child? I just don't get it.

[joskids]

I have a really hard time with the implications that others are making to the OP. I'm sure you all realize that each of us handles life and it's "issues" differently. Each of us has the right to feel what we feel, as adoptive parents, as adoptees, as "first mothers." I really admire the OP for carrying this pregnancy and doing what she felt was right, at that time in her life, for her daughter.

All 4 of our adopted children were adopted from different circumstances. I have learned (and am still learning) to admire and respect each of their biological mothers because they gave life, no matter how difficult it was for them at the time, whether their children were removed from their care or they willingly chose to place a child for adoption. It's not for me to judge anyone -- God placed me here, apparantly (because this was not my original plan), to do the job of parenting each of these children. Open adoption is a struggle. One of our adoptions was contested by a biological father, we've gone thru tough emotional times. I've been part of the adoption triad thru church groups, etc. and I've learned an awful lot and opened myself up to different ways to consider adoption. One of our children has a first mother who does not wish contact. That child is a very sensitive and sweet 11 year old boy now. It's been hard for him not knowing more but we do our best as his parents to stand by him, try to get whatever information (and photos) are available to him, and give him a strong sense of who he is. I wish that his biological mother was open to meeting him but it is her wish, at this time, to step back and we just all respect it.

Please, all of you who are quick to say whose feelings are the most important in the adoption triad -- each situation is different, every person involved in the triad has a right to their own feelings and desires. Let's try to respect that.

I hope that you all have a wonderful New Year!!

[cetalley]

Josie is correct , this is not a contest by ANY means of the imagination. I will go 1 step further than Josie, and remind each of us, that adoptions is about the child....however, I as a Firstmom was NOT RAPED. This OP is not denying her love and understanding need this child has...she is overcome with seeing a daughter she loves, by, ( a product of rape)for lack of a better term. I cannot imagine loving a child wholeheartedly, relinquishing, then not being able to face this loved child...without being reminded of the rape. To the OP, I am also a Firstmom, I understand what point you are coming from. Please keep coming, we cannot live your pain, but we ALL do have compassion here. Blessings, serenity, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! C.J.

[dpen6]

Originally Posted by cetalley

Josie is correct , this is not a contest by ANY means of the imagination. I will go 1 step further than Josie, and remind each of us, that adoptions is about the child....however, I as a Firstmom was NOT RAPED. This OP is not denying her love and understanding need this child has...she is overcome with seeing a daughter she loves, by, ( a product of rape)for lack of a better term. I cannot imagine loving a child wholeheartedly, relinquishing, then not being able to face this loved child...without being reminded of the rape. To the OP, I am also a Firstmom, I understand what point you are coming from. Please keep coming, we cannot live your pain, but we ALL do have compassion here. Blessings, serenity, and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! C.J.

Cetally,

This women was asking for adoptee opinions and then when they are given we get "admonished" once again. I am 51 years old and if my opinion is asked for I will give it and don't expect to be told I am wrong!.

I also feel for this women and the cirmcstansrtes of her daughters birth. Yes she is an angel for not aborting. Yes she is a wonderful person and her aparents are wonderful people. But the decsion was made for her to be born andd now she needs to be treated the same as any human that has been born. She DERSERVES to be loved by all, she deserves to know her biomother if she needs it. Once thaty decsion for her to be born is made it DOES become about her as she is the MOST needy and vunerable in the equation. Just by the mere faact that she was an infant, that neediness continues especially for a 14 yo.

BUT...this little one is ONLY 14..she is an actual human being, she is NOT the rape intself and why should she as the one that was born of rape be the one to pay for it.

To the OP, I think its great you have sent information to your biodaughter and if thats all you can do without bringing up the pain of her conception then so be it. As hard as it is SHE needs to be seperate from her conception......Until you can meet her without the pain of her conception being first then I would wait until you can seperate HER from her biofather. It would only hurt her and she is only 14.

Getting pain out the picture, getting the "who has it the worst" out of the picture and just look at the human beings involved in the adoption equation and I beleive most peo0le will see how its the human that is the cause of the adoption to begin with that is the most minimized.

Most of us adult adpotees have lived our lives being understanding of ALL the parents involved in our births and childhoods..we have been told from day one , we have loved and needed our parents, then we become adults, maybe become parents ourselves , hopefuly productive members of society and want to be treated with the same respect as the rest of society. That is for those that are not adopted to a least try to see us as seperate enitiies in the adoption world. NOT the "product", the pain, the joy of someones elses issues. Real live adults with our own lives and issues. I am not even saying that some of us had great pain, I didn't. But I had LOTS of issues regarding my idenity and life. The Pain(and that is the only way I can descriobe it...I guess its more confusion then pain) and it was and is made worse because other beleive that my need for information is not that important. Then the contest start....who has the most pain, who is desrving of what ever it is they want, who needs to give or take. Just strip it all down and try to REALLT put yourselves in the others position...like I said most adoptees have been taught to do that since day one.

For an adoptee its NOT just about feelings ..its about the knowing the most basics of our lives, genes, physicality, medical.....so we can be empowered to make decsions about ourselves and our own children that we have given birth too. The luxury of the feelings and emotion comes later because we first need to learn about the most basic of who we are.

So, to those that say one persons feelings is not more important is very right, butI really beleive lots of people need to attempt to understand the adoptees POSTION in the adoption thing....we are seperate from everyones pain but very often are immersed into their pain and decsions about what we need are based on the others pain. JUST because we were born.

[escottswanson]

All of my thoughts (and some opinions) are on my website in my sig.

fwiw, during my search I was terrified of the prospect of rejection, but also prepared to respect whatever her wishes were. I was not prepared to find her death record... for some reason I had never considered that very much.

But I always felt a lot of gratitude and I always wanted to express it... still do in fact :/

[dpen6]

Scott,

I heard your song, saw the pictures of your bmom and thought it was all beutiful. i underestand your sense of gratitude and respect it.

There are some adoptees that don't have gratitude and with good reason, thats needs to be respected also.

Personaly, I am very grateful for how my life turned out ...but I am came to that myself Not because others told me I should feel that way.

It must have been such a shock to find out she had died. So you do have some contact with some of your biofamily?

[richland91]

First of all, there are no right answers. If I were in your shoes, I would write a letter reinforcing that you wanted the best for her and wanted to minimize the confusion of having two moms. I would tell her that you think of her often and hope she is happy. If she doesn't have a picture of you, I think it would be OK to send one. She wants to know thaat you gave her up out of love. she wants to know who she looks like. Lastly, she is a teenager which causes all sorts of identity problems. Reassure her that she might not agree with her parents but that they have her best inerest at heart. I think it is OK to be honest that you don't want the pain. I don't think she needs to know the facts of her conception. I would leave it as an unfortunate choice to not use birth control. Good luck.