[stripedpolo]

My husband (an adoptee) is considering reunion with his birthmother. We have talked to a counselor about this and were wondering what the best approach would be. Our counselor had mentioned that one possible way would be for me ( the spouse) to make the call to his birthmother. (Of course when he is ready). Our counselor stated that I would be a good "buffer". And that in many cases contact is first established by someone other that the birthparent or adoptee, a third party of sorts.
My husband wants me to just see if she would be willing to start the process of reunion and then he wants to take it REALLY slow. He is very concerned about getting rejected and then shutting down emotionally and hurting our marriage and the relationship he has with his adoptive parents with who he has a great relationship.
I will and want to do whatever is best for the both of them. I just need to know what I should say once he decides to contact her. I have read books, blogs, any kind of article I can get my hands. I just want to get other adoptees, bmothers and /or adoptive parents advice.
The details of his adoption just came to light recently and have been hard on him. He feels he owes it to her to at least say Thank you for the life she gave him,the things that she gave up in order to give birth & to let her know he had a loving and wonderful childhood.

[loveajax]

Striped, I am the wife of an adoptee as well (and an adoptive mom).

I sort of "pushed' my DH to try to initiate contact with his birth mom. After much searching, he found her and contacted her by letter. The letter was really nice....said how well he had done, thank you, blah blah. In any event, he also said, "I am not trying to cause you any pain, etc." Unfortunately, he never heard back from her. I can tell you that I think it has affected him deeply and he is pretty sad about it. (He also now feels "angry" that he sent her a picture of our family, etc.).

I just tell you this because I know as the spouse it can be a little "scary" to think of your spouse getting rejected (alternatively, I was a little worried about his opening this "pandora's box" that he was not ready for, etc.). I think the best thing to do is just to say that you are going to be with him and support him no matter what...

I don't really like the idea of YOU acting as a buffer (maybe a counselor from an agency or something if he doesn't want to make contact directly?). Btw, has he located his birth mom?

GOOD LUCK!!!

[stripedpolo]

We have known her name for the past year and half but did not do anything with it until last week. Since then he has found her phone number and address. He also requested and received his medical and social history from the agency. It has all happened so fast. When he has asked I told him it did not matter to me what he does it is his choice but he keeps telling me he wants my opinion. I am scared of telling him the wrong thingto do. The last thing I want him to do is be hurt or feel unsupported. He orginally wanted to write a letter but then decided against it.

[loveajax]

It's hard!!!! It was like "finding" his birth mom became the goal for a while. And then once he found her, he sort of "sat on" the info for a while.

You read of so many birth moms who are dying for contact, etc. And I feel terrible about "pushing" him a bit.

Honestly, I think maybe you could just say to DH..."you don't have to do anything NOW. Wait and see how you feel."

Good luck to both of you!

[JustPeachy]

I think your husband should initiate contact himself. If he gets rejected, it will be difficult no matter if he hears it directly or hears it through you. Rejection is a possibility, but he won't know unless he takes some risk and puts himself out there. I would say be prepared for the possibility of rejection, don't go in with any expectations or preconceived notions of what will happen or how any relationship will play out, and take things slowly. If a phone call is too hard or overwhelming, he should write a letter. This way, he can lay out all his thoughts and feelings and his birthmother can have something she can read over and take time to process. Maybe if he's not quite ready for this contact, he can read up on reunion issues, prepare himself as much as possible, and continue to get counseling. Is their a triad support group in your area? That can be very helpful to meet with others who have been through or are going through reunion.

[stinky_kitty]

I agree with Peachy. It's going to be hard no matter what and I think it could maybe cause more problems if you're somewhat in the middle, even if your intentions are totally honorable.

[bakerjw]

Yep, it's going to be an emotional situation no matter what happens. My wife always tried to force her way into my adopted side of life and it caused a lot of problems for many years. It still does to some degree. There is no way in the world that I would allow her to make first contact for me, but that's just me.

I would go for sending a letter via registered mail. include a postcard with check boxes for Yes, No, Maybe, Please give me time, etc... Maybe a recent picture.

Of course make sure that the letter states the necessity of taking things slowly and dealing with bigger issues as they come. The shock of contact may cause her to delay in sending anything back but at least she will know that the door is open.
Best wishe and I hope things go well.

[Jackiejdajda]

When I reunited with my bson I found..(on the day we actually met) I could get into some deep and strong conversations with his wife..
When doing this deep and strong conversing I looked over and saw him watching us and realized that he would get what I said second hand.. and I know that we all change our thoughts to accommodate ourselves. .whether deliberate or not..

At that moment I decided that our getting to know one another would be just between us.. no third party..
Reason why…. This reunion stuff is difficult enough..

He wants to have to do it.. he needs to be the one contacting.. IMO

Jackie

[newnchrst]

I am the wife of an adoptee as well. My sweet man wants to know whatever he can, and now, we have a grandbaby, born with a heart condition and we need medical history.

I LOVE to do research of any kind, so I asked him if he wanted me to try to find out. He said that it was up to me. At 42, he wants to know who she is. So I began my research. A few days ago I came up with a lead. I called him and asked, if I find someone who might be her, would you like for me to contact her? He answer was yes. He isn't sure how he would begin the conversation. He can't promise not to be angry. He NEEDED me to be the buffer.

There was no answer at the other end of the telephone that day, so I wrote a letter. It hasn't been answered yet.

Today we spoke to the judge who has agreed to approve opening the sealed file. Then we will continue the research from there.

So as for your question, it is up to your husband. Don't push, don't pull, just ask him what he wants. Some people need a buffer who is a stranger, some people need a buffer who is close, some people need to make contact themselves.

Understand that the reality of rejection will always be there until contact is made. Let him move forward in his own time.

I'm here if you need to talk.