[curiositykitten]

Got your coffee handy?

I finally made my decision back in March to attempt to contact my bmom. As some of you know I sent her a letter and we are in contact. We email about once or so a week, we've talked on the phone a few times, but I feel like things are in a strange place.

I asked her back when this started if I could get a medical history. She promised a detailed one, and I've never seen it, she promised to send me a photo of her, and I've never gotten that either. I've provided her with photos of myself, and my children, I sent her a card for mother's day (just a card that said enjoy your day with your family), I've so far done everything that she's sort of asked from me.

She emails me about how much she loves me and how wonderful I am and how she wants to pay for me to come and visit her. However I feel weird, because, it's over whemling and I almost feel like it's all talk.

I feel like I can't ask her again or say "Hey, what about hat medical history" or "Can I have a photo of you or my half brother?" Is this normal? To not feel as though you can request or ask for anything from someone?

Also, the subject of my biodad is really touchy with her. I sent her a myspace page to ask 'if it's not too painful, can you let me know if this is him?' and she ignored the email completely. I also don't feel like i can bring that up because she seems to want to avoid the topic. I sent a message there this week asking if he might be the person I am looking for, but I'm also afraid to tell her.
I fear that she'll back out of things.

She also told me that her mother wants to speak to me but she won't let her. She's got some resentment about having to put me up for adoption with her family, ( her comment was I'm in control now!)and I supported her decision and said "whatever you feel is comfortable for you" and "maybe we should establish our relationship first".

I want to be understanding and I want to be able to have a relationship with her but half the time I feel like I don't know what's going on with things. I do appreciate the emails telling me how much she loves me but I also wonder why it's so hard to follow through with anything?

This reunion has starting to feel so draining on me emotionally that I'm contemplating actually seeing a therapist for my own piece of mind.

Anyone have any insight from their experiences?

[stinky_kitty]

I'm currently on the other side of things and I'll just say that I honestly don't think reunion is ever easy. My reunion with my firstmom went fairly smoothly, but it was still at times difficult, mostly emotionally.

I guess if I were in your shoes I would just be upfront and ask her again for the information, and if she ignores your request again I would ask her why. I tend to be on the blunt side most times (not always a good thing!!).

It's hard to say what she is dealing with emotionally, it takes some people longer than others to work through it all. However, I don't see why she hasn't been able to provide you with medical information??

It might help for you to see a therapist. I saw one a few years ago due to issues I was having regarding my son's adoption and it was one of the best things I've ever done for myself. It was so nice to be able to talk to someone who could listen to me from an unbiased standpoint.

Good luck with your journey!!

[bprice215]

Your bdad probably dumped her or did something else to upset your bmom is her reason to not want to discuss him. She's not over that feeling yet. Her thoughts on your medical is probably an honest neglect. Or that's how I read your post. Take care, and give her more time, she deserves that, okay.

bprice215

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by bprice215

Your bdad probably dumped her or did something else to upset your bmom is her reason to not want to discuss him. She's not over that feeling yet. Her thoughts on your medical is probably an honest neglect. Or that's how I read your post. Take care, and give her more time, she deserves that, okay.

I think that my bdad might have done a s*** job of handling the situation. I think that she assumed they would marry and they didn't and they were highschool sweethearts. I don't think that he helped or made the situation more bearable for her. Which is why I almost feel like a traitor for even wondering what he's like.

[curiositykitten]

Originally Posted by stinky_kitty

I'm currently on the other side of things and I'll just say that I honestly don't think reunion is ever easy. My reunion with my firstmom went fairly smoothly, but it was still at times difficult, mostly emotionally.

It's hard to say what she is dealing with emotionally, it takes some people longer than others to work through it all. However, I don't see why she hasn't been able to provide you with medical information??

I just found out recently that she'd been contacting someone that knew my family and knew about the adoption all these years and had been getting all sorts of information about my life from them. So it was very odd when I finally got to the point where I wanted to share major things from my life with her she said "I knew that already!"

She insists that she's 'worked through it' and 'gotten therapy' but I don't know if that's the case or not.

Her excuses for the medical information were weird, that i know that I have some illnesses already, that she had to go on a trip and would do it later, then that she had to work and hasn't had time. Basically I'm sort of at the same place I've been all these years being an adoptee.

[shadow riderer]

Hi Kitten:
I would encourage you, as hard as it will be, to try to slow down. It sounds like you may be way ahead of your Bmom in dealing with things. In my reunion with my Bdad, it feels like I have always been about six months ahead of him as faar as the realization and dealing with the emotions that come up. I don't think it would hurt to ask again for pictures and medical information. Since, it does seem that your Bmom has some issues about your relinquishment, she may just be overwhelmed by her feelings and simply just forgets about the request. Asking again, surely wouldn't hurt anything.

As far as your Bfather, you might consider holding off in asking your Bmom about him for awhile. Go on searching on your own, but maybe keep it to yourself for now if it upsets your Bmom. She is probably dealing with enough at the moment, and may not be able to handle your Bfather's role in a reunion with you? Only your Bmom can answer that, and you may have to just feel her out when it comes to your Bfather. My Bmom did not want me to find my Bfather. I still do not understand why it was such an issue for her other than she had apparently lied about a lot of things. She freaked out when I told her I had contacted him, and she and I had been reunited for about 16 years at the time I contacted him. She still isn't dealing well with the fact that my Bfather and I have reunited. My two reunions and my relationships with them, I keep completely separate for my own sanity.

I would also encourage therapy. Long story short, I couldn't have survived the past year without my therapist.

[stinky_kitty]

Originally Posted by curiositykitten

Her excuses for the medical information were weird, that i know that I have some illnesses already, that she had to go on a trip and would do it later, then that she had to work and hasn't had time. Basically I'm sort of at the same place I've been all these years being an adoptee.

You know my bio-paternal side has been the same way. I had some really serious medical problems a couple years ago and my firstmom literally had to force my bio-father into telling me any history. It's strange. The few times we've talked he's been very nice, but trying to get any info out of him is like pulling teeth.

[Tazer]

Curisotykitten...you posted: I asked her back when this started if I could get a medical history. She promised a detailed one, and I've never seen it, she promised to send me a photo of her, and I've never gotten that either. I've provided her with photos of myself, and my children, I sent her a card for mother's day (just a card that said enjoy your day with your family), I've so far done everything that she's sort of asked from me.

She emails me about how much she loves me and how wonderful I am and how she wants to pay for me to come and visit her. However I feel weird, because, it's over whemling and I almost feel like it's all talk.

I wanted to respond as a Bmom and share my take on it. It sounds like she may be ashamed of some things here. Maybe her appearance isn't the greatest, maybe she has some health related issues that she's not too proud of (addictions...grossly overweight) etc. It kinda sounds like I'll tell you my story but can't share any proof, you know?

This isn't something I faced in my own reunion but I have a very good friend who's adopted and she faced the same thing when she contacted her B-mom via snail mail. All of her letters and e-mails and even phone calls were simply wonderful but no photo's were made available and she claimed the medical history was sent but lost in the mail twice. She would not give her a physical address either, just a p o box# and her e-mail address. She made several plans to meet my friend but something came up each time, until finally my friend pulled back. One day my friend had to appear in traffic court to protest a speeding ticket she got in a neighboring town. Lo and behold she heard the clerk call out her B-brothers name and sitting beside him was a 400 lb. lady that she knew had to be her B-mom.

She didn't approach them but having sent her own pictures earlier they recognized her, stared and rushed out. She contacted her that night via e-mail and got no response. Several days later her B-brother confirmed what she saw and gave her the home address that allowed her to finally meet her family. They have a friendly relationship but there is no level of trust. Her B-mom recently under went gastric bypass surgery and my friend spent her vacation caring for her. As the weight leaves she opens up but clearly she had some issues of shame that prevented her from letting my friend know the real her.

Not saying that is what is going on here, but wanted to share this with you. Good Luck! Tracy

[wrgamom]

Well, as hard as it is, I would just ask her. I know in my reunion, I was not exactly my upfront self at first for fear of losing contact with my bmom if I scared her. There were some things I wanted to say, but did not because of this fear. So, as hard as it is, just ask her.

As far as therapy goes, if you think it would help then do it! There are days I think I need it, too. If not therapy is there an adoption support group in your area? That might help to talk to others in a face to face setting about some of the reunion issues. They can be overwhelming!

I have decided my reunion, as good as it is, has made me resort back to about 18 for some reason. I am an insecure young adult again and do not act like the confident woman I know I have become. I just wish I could look like I was 18 again!

[austin0i]

Curious,

As an adult adoptee in reunion for just over a year, I can only say GET THERAPY!

It helped me SO much, as I navigated all the feelings I never expected to feel.

I too am a very confident woman, but found myself feeling like a child in the presence of my mother. That blew me away, but in therapy I was able to gain an understanding of what was really happening and allow myself to explore my feelings, so I could move forward.

If you can, get therapy. It helps so much

Kim

[djc0501]

I am a birthmother whose daughter is getting ready to turn 18 in November. Obviously, none of us out here can explain your birthmother's reasons for doing what she is doing. Speaking personally, I want very much to meet my daughter and be a part of her life and have her become a part of my "new family" (for lack of a better phrase at the moment). I am engaged to a wonderful man and have a 12 year old son from a previous relationship who is just dying meet his sister. I want this so much that I went ahead and proactively sent letters to the attorneys that handled the adoption (on both sides) to forward to the adoptive parents to let them know that I did wish for this to occur and to make sure that they knew that should my daughter wish to contact me she would be welcomed with open arms by my entire family. I did this primarily because I heard several horror stories from adoptees who contacted their birthparent(s) only to be rejected and they were devastated. I wanted her adoptive parents to feel free to give her the information to find me without having to worry about how I was going to respond if she contacted me.

I think that you since your birthmother did continue to have contact with you, no matter that she did not fulfill the promises she made that you should keep trying. Ask her again. She may not be in the place I am in. She may not be completely ready for a relationship with you, but she doesn't seem opposed to one either, which I think is a good thing. I think that the whole reunion process can be emotionally daunting for everyone involved. Maybe she just needs more time to deal with all the emotions that she is feeling. The questions you ask may be bringing up some painful memories for her and causing her to behave inconsistently because she still can't deal with whatever happened that led her to put you up for adoption in the first place. I sought counseling several years after I put my daughter up for adoption because I felt like I had never dealt with the emotions and the grief that came with the adoption, that I had just sealed in up inside of me. I needed that counseling to be able to heal and to move on with my life and to be able to be a better mother to the child I was pregnant with at the time all these bottled up emotions came to the surface. Perhaps your birthmom never received any counseling and all the bottled up emotions stayed bottled up until now. Talk to her. Be open. Try to find out what the driving force is behind her behavior. It could be so many different things. Keep in mind, it may just take some time. As for counseling for yourself, I don't believe it can hurt you. A counselor may be able to give you some insight that others can't. They might also be able to arrange a session together, even if it was via a conference call type of thing if you live far away from your birthmother. Maybe you can suggest a support group for your birthmother if she is having difficulties with this reunion. There are lots of options out there, just keep your chin up and smile. No matter what is occuring right now, at least you have found your birthmom and she is at least trying to make you a part of her life. There are many adoptees/birthparents out there who can't find each other for whatever reason.

[robbie678]

This reunion has starting to feel so draining on me emotionally that I'm contemplating actually seeing a therapist for my own piece of mind



Couldn't have said it better myself! I found my bio (1/2) siblings due to this page. 3+ years later . .I feel like a fish out of water!! Is there something to be said for Nature vs. Nuture ???I would love to get the run down!
This has drained me, emotionally! and they are not to blame!!!!!!! we are different people, but yet so much the same!
Any advice I would offer to an adult adoptee, searching is . . . . be careful what you wish for, just know if they have been looking they are not going to understand YOU pulling back!
I am thankful that I set out on a mission, and found them but from adoptee to adoptee . . . .you are who you are "they" don't change that.
You are here for a reason, and it's not about going back- but you may have to "go back" to move ahead!
Love & Luck to all who read-
Robin

[curiositykitten]

I have been looking at therapists that specialize in adoption related issue in my area but without much luck.

I have emailed her again to ask for some family photos. She didn't reply to the email but left a voicemail on my cell phone. I haven't returned her call yet because I've been sick and my kids are starting school and I want to be able to devote a piece of time to speak to her.

I think that it's just mixed messages, she said that she's been contacting a mutual friend about my adoption since I was given up, she's been on the ALMA registry since I was a 'baby' and she tells me how much she loves me.

Then just doesn't follow through. It's hard for me to process because I'm very much a person that follows through on their word. I'm doing my best to not give up even though I'm in a bit of a funk.

Thanks for all your great advice.

[SoniaRose]

If it makes you feel any better, I've been waiting since last March as well for a picture of my bmom.

I found out the identity of my bparents last Oct. My bmom passed away many years ago, and I have talked on the phone twice with her first daughter (my older half-sister). Last March she told me she would send a picture of her/my mother; I never received anything, so in July I mailed her a short note asking if she had a chance to look for a picture yet. Like you, I get annoyed with people who don't keep their word. Sometimes I wonder if she changed her mind after talking to me.

In my case, I am not welcome in her family. She merely called me to tell me some facts about my bmom. I am to remain the "family secret".

So in many ways, you are very lucky that your bmom is communicating with you regularly. And it's so wonderful that she is happy that you have been found. I know it's hard, but you should continue to be patient and not ask her for pictures (like previous posters have suggested, maybe she is ashamed of how she looks). It sounds like she is still working through her own issues, so for now, I think you should just keep up with the friendly emails -- eventually you will meet and get the answers to all your questions.

I know waiting is hard, but you don't want to scare her away by appearing too anxious.

If you can't find a therapist, maybe you could find a support group. When I get in a "funk", sometimes I read a segment of an inspirational book. Good luck.