[lglysson]

My daughter turns 18 on the 30th. Her aparents don't think contact now would be good. They say she is too immature and a dreamer. They don't want her going off in a dream about us, her bparents. Her bdad and I have not see each other since the adoption but I called him recently. We both very much want to meet her. Should I send her a letter even though it means going against the aparents? We were told at first that we would have a semi-open adoption, but they have not told her everything nor given her letters written to her by her bdad and I. I don't know if she would want to meet us at 18, it sounds like the subject is closed in her home. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!! Especially from adoptees!

[bprice215]

If you can be sure contact would be minimal at first, I think 18 is old enough to decide what she would want. She may not want contact now but at least give her the opportunity to decide what she may want. Honesty is always the best policy. Good luck.
bprice215

[JustPeachy]

I did not attempt to contact my son at 18, but I did have a semi-open adoption that was honored, so I was able to communicate with his family and receive pictures and updates.

I have to wonder about the honesty of the aparents in your situation. They never gave your daughter your letters, didn't honor the semi-open adoption, and did not tell her everything. It sounds like they may not be honest about the daughter being "immature and a dreamer" and are threatened by you and bdad.

I'm not sure what I would do in this situation. Legally, yes, she is 18, but ideally, you and the aparents would be on the same page. Since that is not the case, and may not ever be, only you can decide how much longer you would want to wait to have contact.

In my case, I always felt like my son should decide whether or not he wanted contact with me. I didn't want to intrude on his life and at 18, I knew he was busy with college and other things. For me (and this is just for me), I think 18 would have been not a good time for either of us, but I do know other bmoms who made contact at 18 and things turned out fine. I just think it's easier for everyone when the aparents and bparents are on the same page. Do you know why your letters were not shared with your daughter? This would be very upsetting to me.

[txrnr]

This is tough. I'm 40, and still contemplating contact. I can say without a doubt, I would not have wanted contact at 18. I was excited about college and getting away from my parents, not adding more. I may have been curious, but not ready for a relationship Please realize this is just my opinion, it does not mean I am correct in any way considering your situation.

Don't be so sure the parents have been the one to keep the subject closed. In my case, it was me. My parents have always been very open and supportive. I was the one who didn't want to know, and closed the door on any discussion. Your daughters parents are most likely good people who are advising in what they feel is the best interest of your daughter. They may be wrong, but hopefully it's out of love, and not fear.

All that being said, your feelings are just as important and I can understand wanting answers after such a time. I know you will get various answers and have a lot to consider. Your daughter is soon to be 18, you have every right legally to contact her no matter her aparents wishes. I would note that it may be easier to have a good relationship with her if you have shown due respect to them. (I don't mean let them call the shots) Many of us adoptees are accused of being loyal to the aparents, but really, I think most kids are loyal to their parents.

Best of luck, and I am sure you will get a lot of various thoughts!

[lglysson]

We are quite relieved that she didn’t open it(the letter i sent) because at this point in her life she is quite unsure of many things and still very immature and opening up this issue for her right now could be very devastating. She obviously knows that she is adopted and we have always taught her that we are her family and you and xxxxx are her blood line. So she knows that her bloodline contains Italian, Mexican and Polish blood and she has her medical history as well. That is the extent of the knowledge she and her brother (from another adoption) have. ( I gave them letters, pictures etc, by this line i am guessing she didn't get them)They are both most grateful for the gift of life especially in this day and age where you could have so easily made another choice. We continue to thank God and ask His blessings on you for that as well.

So, this is why I belive they didn't tell her everything. They also were open to sending me pictures and keeping in contact, this has stopped, partly by my mutually agreeing.

Thank you for the resposes so far! Adoptees, please let me know what you think.

blessings,
Lynelle

[Dickons]

You need to go with what you think is right. How would you have reacted at 18? I know, not a question you can answer because you were not adopted but you know what you were like at 18, and that is probably the best clue as to how your daughter would react.

I would have been thrilled and I was also emotionally ready mainly because of how my parents dealt with the fact that their children were adopted. From reading posts here and elsewhere that I have come to find out that I have incredibly special parents that few are blessed with.

Have you done any searching on the internet to see if your daughter has looked for you?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[YENSENM]

hello there, I am a 33 year old adult adoptee. I searched for my b-mom as soon as I turned 18. I would have welcomed the contact but was unable to find her until a year and a half ago. I had very supportive adn open a-paretns whom I was able to talk about my adoptin with. That being said. I personally would have loved to hear from my b-mom at 18. Question for you, if you send her a letter will she get it or will the a-parents intercept it? If you are sure that she would receive the letter then I would go ahead and send her one. Yes, this might allienate you from a-parents but from what I understand they havent been holding up their end of the bargain anyway. Plus, she is 18 and legally and adult so she is free to make her own choices as to whether or not she wants a relationship with you. some of the adoptees I read about here dont want contact, I am on the other end of that spectrum but that's just my personal feelings on it. Be ready if she does not want a full on relationship but let her have all of your contact info and tell her you will be there whenever she is ready. Good Luck!

[mickeybaines]

I am a 41 year old adoptee who found my birthmother back in Dec. The only contact we have had is me sending her a letter and her returning the postcard I enclosed. She checked off that she is open to a reunion but needs more time. It is so difficult waiting but I plan to give her as much time as she needs.

That said if you asked me at 18 (or before I found her in Dec for that matter) if I would want contact from her I would have said no. My mom would ask me at times if I wanted to search and I would always say no. It just felt strange to me. It wasn't until I had my first child ten years ago that I began to see my bmom as a real person. Even then I was so afraid of what I would find. My journey started with me wanting to let her know I was okay. Then after my parents passed away I realized I would love medical information. I am not sure if the state of MA didn't pass the new law that I would have ever found her.

The moment I saw her name on my OBC everything changed. Then I found out that she has been living very close to me all my life and lives only 10 minutes from me now. Now I am really looking forward to meeting her yet terrified at the same time. Since my parents passed away I now value the shortness of life. I have to admit I am a tad bit jealous now of my girlfriend whose bmom found her at 18. I imagine if mine had contacted me I would have welcomed her even though I wouldn't have initiated contact.

I wish you all the best.

[longingtomeetyou]

my birthdaughter is turning 18 in the next couple weeks and i am also in the same boat as to when and how to make contact

i have the same problem as to the adoptive parents ......from the reaction of the adoptive parents
its not up to them after 18 to make contact and we dont need to feel guilty for doing so after 18 legally we have every right too

many of us birthmoms in closed adoptions have been waiting and waiting and waiting for just some glimmer of hope that our child is ok and personally i have to hear that from her and her alone



so as i have done before i will wait till she is ready but i will let her know i am here if she needs me with contact info so she doesnt have to look or wonder if IM ready...


i will continue praying for the right timing and when shes ready she will at least have the information as to where i am

[Mattjam]

I don't know but I'm 43 and only now thinking of connection with birthmother. I probably would have freaked at 18 but everyone has there own views and experiences as an adopted child.
My sister was younger than me and also adopted and probably would have welcomed it.
Good luck whatever you decide.

[anc46]

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[Jo Ellen]

I believe it is up to the adoptee at any age once they are 18 as far as what they want in the way of communication with their bparents. Based on what the adoptive parents have said you may want to let them know you only want to meet her if / when she is ready and then see what happens from there.

adoptee reunited with bparents 12/06

[dpen6]

Personally ...no.


I would have been curious, but was in no way , shape, or form ready for the unexpected emotions that may would have occurred.

[wishfulthinker]

I agree with many...an 18 year old is still a child (I have one that age) and cannot possibly be ready for contact. I mean, remember when you were 18? Having one mother and father seemed more than enough!

I'd say at least wait until 21 - even that may be too young.

[hrisme]

Whether the adoptive parents are on board or not, 18 is the legal age of adulthood and at that point an adoptee should be given the opportunity to make their own decision in regards to whether or not they desire contact. In my own situation, I began my search as soon as I turned 18, recognized eventually that I was not ready, and backed off until I was more prepared emotionally. However, if I had known my parents had the information on my birth mother and had intentionally withheld it from me I would be furious! Yes, I was "unsure of many things", and bringing it up at that point would have been devastating--but guess what??? It was devastating anyway! I don't think there is any way to avoid the pain that is so often present in situations of this type. I disagree that you are nothing more than a "blood line", while they are certainly her family, you are also a "branch" on her family tree.

I don't think pushing contact is at all appropriate (at 18, or any other age), but providing her with your information and letting her know you are open to contact if/when she is interested is not overstepping your bounds. It needs to be about her desires, not yours or her adoptive parents.