[YENSENM]

Hi, I posted a thread about my b-mom and what I view as her lack of effort on the 5th. Anyway, I wont go over it again but I just want to update and ask for advice.
I still havent gotten an answer from b-mom to the questions I asked her. She emailed me and said she wasnt ignoring the issue and would answer my questions after her dog got better and things calmed down. Well, things are calm now and she sent me a quick email that had noting to do whatsoever about anything I asked or any of the thigns I brought up to her. Then she said ti was too hot in her computer room and she woudl write more later. Well, I thought "oh, good she will finally respond to my 'tough' email". Well, later that night she sent me a sentimental ecard and she wrote Dear Melissa, you may be gone but you are not forgotten.
Now that was 2 days ago, and I appreciate the card and told her so but still not one word addressing any of my questions. I think she is avoiding the issue. What do you guys think? What should I do? Should I just leave it alone and pull back a little? For anyone reading this who doesnt know what I am talking about please read my post entitled b-mom doesnt seem to be making same effort as I am dated 7/5/08. Thanks! I could really use some insight on this. It is really bothering me and i have been having a migraine for the last 3 days!!! aargh! all of this emotional stress!!

[belleinblue1978]

Well, I guess in this situation, patience is going to have to be your virtue. I know that sucks, but you can't make someone do something they aren't ready to do.

As adopted people we experience trauma, I can tell you that firstmoms do too, as I have placed a child as well. Both are traumas that never go away. Think of your deepest, darkest secret... why do you keep it a secret? Now think about how your firstmom might feel. Shame, disgrace, dirty.... I know how I feel about being a firstmom and it isn't usually too great. It isn't an easy label to wear.

Give her time. You need to find other things to focus on, because this isn't going to happen overnight.

[feb171983]

You might be ready and interested in a "deep" relationship, but that doesn't mean she is. If you found her, that was your timing.. not hers.

It could be either 1) she's afraid to get emotionally attached to you and lose you again 2) she thinks that if she says the emotional stuff, she won't be able to stop or 3) she really doesn't have the emotions. Time moves on and people change.

If you push her, she could just drop it entirely. No one will answer questions that they don't want to answer-- she has as much of an option to never answer your questions as you do to ask them. I'm not sure what the questions are, but personally I think that any "parent"-- whether they abandon the kid or not-- should at least be willing to tell the kid their medical info, the basic generic circumstances around the birth, and perhaps a handful of other things. After all, they chose to bear the kid.

Good luck-- be patient, but don't expect anything.

[YENSENM]

just a note, I asked her things like, did she ever think of me, was she glad I found her, when I told her I have 2 girls did she think to herself 'OMG, I have grandchildren' she is very closed emotionally. Although she answered all of my medical questions and we make a lot of small talk. I dont feel she has opened up about her feeligns towards me at all. Maybe she doesnt have any feelings towards me.

[bmomto2_momto2]

Yensenm,

For what it is worth, I think she owes you honesty about her intentions regarding answering those questions. If she is not ready to answer those questions right now, fine... so be it. She should just say that though instead of telling you to expect the answers and then not following through. I hope you can get this resolved soon, even if she asks you to wait and give her more time.

[jrainbow]

[quote]I dont feel she has opened up about her feeligns towards me at all. Maybe she doesnt have any feelings towards me.[quote]

Or maybe she has too many. Remember she has kept these locked up for many years. Locks sometimes don't open easily. I don't remember how long you have been in reunion but this is a patience thing. As long as there is any conversation, there is growth - it just may be really slow.

Good luck and Peace.

[belleinblue1978]

Originally Posted by YENSENM

just a note, I asked her things like, did she ever think of me, was she glad I found her, when I told her I have 2 girls did she think to herself 'OMG, I have grandchildren' she is very closed emotionally. Although she answered all of my medical questions and we make a lot of small talk. I dont feel she has opened up about her feeligns towards me at all. Maybe she doesnt have any feelings towards me.

I agree, it maybe that she has so many she can't or doesnt know how to express them. I contacted my firstmother nearly four years ago and have never heard anything from her for whatever reason. Who knows, but me constantly harping her won't get me contact EVER.

I guess when I am pressured to give something I can't, I pull back and ignore.

[stinky_kitty]

I agree with those that think maybe she just needs more time. I can tell you that although I feel I have dealt with most of the emotional issues surrounding the adoption of my son (he is 14), and consider myself to be at peace with it, it is still hard sometimes when he asks me deep questions. If for whatever reason maybe your first mom hasn't dealt with issues she might have I can only imagine how much harder it would be. ((hugs)) Good luck!

[curiositykitten]

I am having the same problem with my bmom too. I haven't heard from her in the last few months very often because she's 'having a busy time at work'. Emails have gone unanswered, she has called me twice. I sent her an email showing her a link to a myspace page to ask if that's my bio bad. She never replied to me and then just sent me some junk mail 'good luck' forward a day later. She said she'd call me on the 4th and still nothing. She's also promised me a medical history, and then nothing, as well as some letters she wrote to me when I was a child.

I would just wish she'd be honest and stop telling me how much she cares when this behavior is just hurting me. I think that I at least have a right to my medical history other than 'kind of healthy'.

My only suggestion is that you can keep trying to be patient. I understand how you feel though and I wish you good luck.

[austin0i]

As an adult adoptee, recently in reunion, I want to say something to my fellow adoptees.

Take care of yourself FIRST.

The actions of your birth mothers' show her limitations and there is a high likelihood she will continue to disappoint you, if you do not adjust your expectations.

Deal with your own issues and take care of YOU.

If you have expectations of your birthmothers, get rid of them. Expect nothing and allow her to show you who she is. Look at her realistically.

Curious... if my first mother would treat me that way and hurt me with that level of insensitivity, I would start protecting myself and backing off. You do not deserve to be treated like that.

K

[mygrl4meee]

I am a bmom but I like seeing the terms firstmom better. but either one works. I have been surfing around this site, trying to see the side of adoption from other points of view besides mine as the bmom.
I am sorry your not having a good time with getting the answers you need from your firstmom.
I just wanted to add that I haven't told many people about my daughter, because it's such a hard thing to talk about. The pain is so deep, and I just can't open up to anyone.
I didn't tell my children because I don't want them to feel the loss of the sister, they wish for. However my 13 year old has known for a year, because his Dad, now my ex told him around her last bday.
Now I am debating on to tell my 8 year old, because she will be of legal age in a little more than a year.