[curiositykitten]

So, some of you may know that since late March
I've been in reunion with my bmom. Initially I sent her
a registered letter, and she replied in about 5 days to me, via email.

All of our communication has since been in email format. She has given
me her cell phone number and encouraged me to call her, but for some reason, I can't.
I don't know why. I've made excuses to myself that I don't have enough time to have
a real conversation or privacy (which is partially true I have two small children at home)
and I also feel like I don't know what I should say.

Part of the problem is this nagging feeling as though I'm the one that seems to be
doing all the effort. We haven't touched on the subject of any of the details around
my adoption. I asked for a medical history but she said that she couldn't give that to me
until she visited with her parents (which she is doing now). She's promised to send me a letter
but that too has never materialized, same thing with some other things she said she
saved for me through my childhood.

I feel very confused about things, because she says that she's so happy about this,
and she can't stop thinking about me, but I seem to feel like something
is weird. I suspect part of it might be that I am over thinking things.

I feel a lot of conflict because I want this relationship to work out but I can't seem to get things going and I worry that I'm the one who keeps trying to offer things and I feel like I'm hitting a wall at times.

[gigglessa]

I know how you feel. I still have the same feelings with my bmom. I waited for her to call me first but even now I will call and will not call again until she calls.
I don't do this to be mean, but because I feel like you..I made the effort to find her. I want to know that she wants to work a little too so I don't feel like I am intruding on her.
Sometimes I feel that she is just being nice. Sometimes I need to see that effort from her to feel better about the reunion.
This is hard because we don't know what they are really thinking..do they really want us to call, are they just being nice. etc.
Add to that our own insecurities about our feelings and reactions and most people can see how hard even making a phone call is.
I would let her know that you want her to make the first call.
We reunited in March too, so I understand what you are feeling.
Many nights I woke up in tears because I thought that my bmom didn't want to talk to me cuz she didn't call me. Its all to weird.
Good Luck.

[Sun8]

perhaps in an email tell her that you somehow cant make that call... chalk it up to nerves or whatever and ask her to call you... then i guess you will see if she will make that effort. She is prolly wondering why you havent called her and she may be overthinking it all just as you are.

[kathy79]

I'm a bmom that's been in a good reunion for 10 months and still can't call my bson. I want to call him all the time but fear and panic take over and I just can't. Even when he calls me I have a very hard time answering the phone. And it's not because I don't want to talk to him. I would talk to him everyday if I could.

I know I'm not good at talking on the phone in general. My bson will tell me to call at a certain time and date and I still have a hard time making that call.

I love him to death and just hope I get over this fear someday before it's too late.

[pandatj]

hi... You know when I read it... The first thing that I thought of was....

Not knowing what to say. If you are on the phone, there isnt the weather, a pretty view or a nice couple to mention in the conversation. It is just you and him... That wold be hard... What if you run out of questions? What is you hear dissaproval in his voice? What if's....

The only thing I can say... Is What if not? What if you dont call? What are you missing? What if he disproves? Then you are learning more about him? What if.....

It isnt easy, but it will be worth it when you can come to call him...

Good luck!

[jrainbow]

I'm a reunited adoptee, less than 1 year. I completely understand how you feel about not being able to call - worrying about making a call - and continuously second guessing yourself about contact.

However, I have picked up that phone and called because my bmom doesn't email. And life is too short to take any chances. We had a chance for a relationship ... but someone had to call. Did I want her to call me? YES!!!! Was I willing to take the chance that she wouldn't? NO!!!! And, now she says thank goodness that I pushed because she never would have and she is so grateful that we have the relationship we do. I wouldn't have called if she ever said stop ... but there were lots of times, I felt that I shouldn't but did anyway.

Picking up the phone - making contact - trying to "start" a relationship. All these actions take bravery - and show that you care. What is the worst thing that can happen? Since I'm older, I know that life can be short and I was not willing to take any unnecessary risks.

I wish all of you courage ... courage to take that chance
and reach out. Good luck.

[snuffie]

I have to agree with Jrainbow. Life really is too short. I found that my bmom is deceased.

Maybe your bmom is waiting for you to take that step. She may not want to "push" you by initiating things. Wouldn't you love to hear her voice?

I agree first steps always take courage. You could write down a few things to say so that if you get "tongue tied" or something you could refer to your note. And you could just come right out and tell your bmom that you are so excited to talk to her that you are nervous.

Best wishes and hugs.

Snuffie

[Jackiejdajda]

I can't do phone..

Jackie

[curiositykitten]

I took some of the advice here and I sent an email to her to say that I'm not sure why I'm having a hard time calling her. I felt better that she knows that I'm not intentionally avoiding her. I keep trying to take the next step forward.

[jrainbow]

That took courage, kitten. WTG!

[ljkn1]

In August 2004 I contacted the adoption agency requesting my birthmother's medical history. I received it but several weeks later I received a certified letter from the agency stating they made a mistake and had sent my personal information to my birthmother, who wanted to get in contact with me by mail. Needless to say I was full of emotions, what if's, etc. I finally started writing letters, exchanged greeting holiday cards, sent photos to each other and had several phone conversations with her. She would always ask me if/when I was going to come and see her. We were living overseas at this time so I told her it wasn't possible. Upon moving back to the states, I got busy with new job, house, family, daily grind, etc. and lost contact with her. I received an email a couple of weeks ago from her daughter (my half-sister) saying she had passed away. They had found my letters and email address information in her Bible. Now I wish that I would have made contact again with her when I returned to the states. The guilt I feel for not picking up the phone and making the call is over-whelming.

[curiositykitten]

An update:

After I sent the email to my bmom she replied to me and said that she understood and whatever I had to say was the right thing. Even I didn't want her in my life it was ok. I replied to her very quickly and said that it isn't the case. I emailed her a week ago to say to have a safe trip back home from her vacation and since then I haven't heard anything from her.

I'm not sure what to do, or how I feel about this. I don't want to seem like I'm an intrusive stalker here and feel as though I'm begging for attention. She's been promising to send me photos, a family history, and tell me the circumstances of my adoption for two months now. We haven't made any progress on that either.

I don't know if this should effect me the way it has been but I can't seem to figure out what to do.

[snuffie]

Written word can be so misunderstood. It sounds as though there is some misunderstanding on your bmom's part. I think it is time to pick up that phone!

There is no way that you can seem like an "intrusive stalker" here. Rather it almost sounds like your bmom may have gotten the wrong idea because you haven't called her. If all of your contact has been made only through email she may not feel that you want the photos etc. SHE may feel like an "intrusive stalker".

Some of my bsibs are "callers". I am more an "emailer". Not everyone understands this and it may be taken as disinterest.

Even if you become tongue tied etc. I think I would pick up the phone, call her and just tell her whats in your heart. And I also think that we can never know for sure what another person is thinking so its really a waste of time to guess.

Snuffie

[Jackiejdajda]

curiositykitten

I feel very confused about things, because she says that she's so happy about this,
and she can't stop thinking about me, but I seem to feel like something is weird. I suspect part of it might be that I am over thinking things.

Its the unsaid words that do us in.. I think..
She may be having a terrible time.. and may not be able to deal with it other than shutting down her emotions..

I know some birthmoms can compartmentalize their lives.. their emotions.. I can..
When I had my second child after I relinquished my first.. I could not deal with anyone around me.. and appeared cold.. I threw my husband out of the labor room..

I had to shut people/him out when the trauma was on me..

I say give her time..

Jackie

[curiositykitten]

Just to update.

I did in fact call today.

The phone number I was given isn't good. It goes to a non working cell phone. I was surprised and sort of let down.
I sent an email to say that I tried to call and the number was bad. I don't know what else to do.