[sweetpea012607]

Today my birth mom received a phone call from my birth father. He has given her permission to give me his number and to contact him when I see fit.

I'm scared and I'm nervous, and want to get all of my thoughts sorted before I call him. That way I can write everything down (I have a bad habit for not talking when I am uncomfortable or don't know someone). Does anyone have any advice for me on what I should ask or do?

[snuffie]

I have the same problem and its difficult to think straight when we are nervous. Writing just a basic "outline" of things you would like to say may help. sometimes I've written things down before a phone call I know will make me nervous and then all I have to do is look at the paper and it seems to help me remember what I wanted to say. You could also tell your bdad how you feel - that you are so excited that you can barely speak!

I've been trying to think of things that I would ask my bdad if I ever get to speak with him. I think just hearing his voice would be wonderful to me. I would like to know about him - his likes, his dislikes, his health, his life.
He may ask you about your life too. Think about the things that are important to you.

I am so happy that your bdad wants to have contact with you. Have a wonderful reunion!

Snuffie

[sweetpea012607]

I still haven't called... I'm not sure what I want to say. I just know I have some questions about his side to my adoption, if that makes sense....

[jrainbow]

Sweet Pea,
I know exactly how you feel - I was there last July. My heart was in my throat when I called .... and got his voice mail. I left my number and he called me back when he got back in town, several days later. When he called, I was really involved in a work issue so it was a real surprise and I wasn't afraid at all when I heard his voice. He was much more nervous than I was.

I didn't have a check list ... but he did (he is an engineer by training). So I got the basics out of the way on the first call - medical, current family, resume, how he felt being contacted by bmom, next steps, etc. It took several visits and our f2f to get the story of how he felt during that time 50 years ago when I was born. There is some written about bmoms (in unwed mothers homes) but not much about bfathers - that knew and acknowledged responsibility at the time. I wanted to know his side too.

The good news is that he wants contact - and that he is probably more scared that you are. So have a check list but I found it was very hard to get deep thoughts and feelings on the first call. Also, this will probably be as healing for him as it has been for you and bmom. As Nike says, "Just do it". Maybe the answers you want are right there waiting for you.

Good luck. I hope your reunion with bdad is much better than you can imagine. I know mine is.

Jill

[Jackiejdajda]

I hope and pray the conversation goes well..

Jackie

[sweetpea012607]

I want to call him, but I don't know if I'm ready.....

I'm so very scared!!

[Jackiejdajda]

sweetpea.. you are a strong woman..

You survive.. I bet you can handle it..

Jackie

[sweetpea012607]

I don't know why I'm so afraid to call.

I just keep putting it off.

I am going to call tomorrow.

I'll post how it goes

[mariarippy]

After my experience with calling my dad...He had more to share than me... He did more talking than me...First call is a breeze... what comes after...? more of the past(ie nothing) maybe a little of something. Don't keep a lot of expectations for others...and you could probably stay positive person.

[bprice215]

Being a bdad I say hurry up and call for we were a part of this whole process and we have a lot to share. Don't be scared, don't be alarmed just do it. You may find all this worry is in vane.
bprice215

[sweetpea012607]

I did it. I called him. The first time I dialed the number I got a machine, and the recording scared me half to death, I was so unsure of what to do.
The second time my boyfriend dialed and handed me the phone once my b-dad picked up. I was extremely nervous and I got a few of the hard questions out of the way.
He says he isn't 100% sure that I am his, and that when he comes near the Asheville area, we can get tested just to put our minds at ease. Although I'm not sure how my b-mom is going to react. She swears up and down that she wasn't with the other guy, but my b-dad swears she was. It's all so very confusing. So if I am my b-dad's then I'll drop it, no big "e".... but if I'm not, then that means that my b-mom lied to me.... and that hurts worse than anything.
I'm so very confused....

[mariarippy]

Awesome...maybe all you need are some family photos?

[sweetpea012607]

maybe, but I have this gut feeling I'm really not his.

I tried emailing him today, but it never goes through. So I'll probably call tomorrow and give him my email, whether he answers or not.

[Jackiejdajda]

Some of us were taught to lie..
It becomes part of our emotional make up..

We learned it at our moma's knees..

I am so sorry that you are in this emotional limbo because of this.. it must hurt a lot..

Jackie

[snuffie]

Oh, just when you think you have the answers to your personal "mystery" another crops up.

Some thoughts - Maybe your bmom wanted this man to be your dad so badly she is adamant about it being so?
Sometimes its easier to believe something is true than not. Or if he isn't maybe your bmom is afraid of what you may think of her?

It seems from reading other posts too that some men are quick to say "not me" - "it's not mine" etc. I know when I contacted the man I am very sure is my bdad he was quick to point the finger in another possible direction.

It may be good to keep an open mind at this point and even if worst case this man isn't your bdad you can always ask your bmom why she felt she had to not be truthful.

Snuffie