[EZ2Luv]

I hope this is the correct forum, but I will cross post if need be.

Another thread got me thinking about this alot and I really want opinions and thought from other adoptees.

As an adoptee when I was searching I was told by just about all the searchers that I spoke with to ALWAYS go direct as far as contact especially first contact. In other words no middleman, no Suzy having Mary make the first call type of thing. Also that Bparents should always go directly to the adoptee, not through aparents.
As an adoptee I would be mortified if my Bmom had gone and contacted my Aparents before contacting me. I feel that as long as the adoptee is of age, they are the ones that have a right to direct contact.

I am wanting to know how other adoptees feel about this.

How would you feel if your Bparent contacted your Aparents before contacting you?

Thanks

EZ

[lisad70]

I would have also been mortified. Of course, I never would have found out as my father would have NEVER shared that with me. I love that man to bits and pieces but the one thing he does not support is my ever being reunited. So, now I am reunited, without his knowledge.

If birthparents want contact, IMO the only one with the right to accept or refuse is the adoptee (as long as they are of age).

[alynp]

I would not like that at all - as an adult it is my life and I would also think that my adoptive parents would have felt strange about it too.

"Direct" - IMO is always the way to go in life. Honesty is the best policy as they say. I truly believe in being honest.

[mariarippy]

I asked my family doctor and stated that i'd like to meet my mom. When I was 17... one evening after working at our local fast food place... found my adad on the phone. He handed me the phone and said it was my mom. Is this the kind of contact that I should've been mortified about? I wasn't mortified... happy she wanted to communicate.

[EZ2Luv]

No you were not an adult, you were 17 and asked. I am referring to adult adoptees. Where bmothers just up and decide one day to contact aparents. This totally different than a young adoptee expressing to desire. Most adult adoptees who have had this happened have ended up so angry. I peronslly know a couple of adoptees who really weren't ready to search and all this did was cause so much resentment toward the bmom that years later they still have no desire to contact her.

To me it would be like being stalked, it just wouldn't feel right and I think I know what I am talking about since Bmom was in contact with Amom all my life(relative) and I had no clue for 48years. It sux to feel people who are supossed to be the ones who loe you cnnot come to you direct.

EZ

[ReOcB42008]

EZ - definately have bparents contact the ADULT adoptee. My a"parents" are so afraid of losing "control" that they even got into my adoption reunion search info and changed the online contact info I had posted! -and I am DEFINATELY an adult - I just turned 50!!! I truly believe any contact from birthmother HAS to be through me, it is MY relationship, not anyone outside of birthfamily. MJM (bn)

[ocracoke]

I think in general that the best choice when contacting an adult adoptee is to directly contact the adoptee. Contacting the parents first would make me feel like a child.

That being said, when I decided to search for my siblings who were also adopted into different families I did first contact the parents. This was for 2 reasons. One was that they both had fairly common names and their parents first names were easier to locate then theirs. The second was because they were 19 and 20 when I located them (2 youngest of the 7 of us that were adopted out) and I did not know if they knew that they were adopted since they were babies when placed. I did not want to be the one to surprise them with that information without knowing if they knew. I would have had every intention of contacting them even if their aparents had not been cooperative. It turns out that both sets were cooperative. One passed on my letter to my brother. The other called me (at work -- about had a heart attack) to get a feel for things, told me they needed some time to process, then had my brother call me that evening.

I would have had no problem with a mediator contacting me to say bmom wanted contact. I know my adad may not have passed on the information to me so I would have had an issue with him being contacted first. I know my amom would have passed on the information to me (but since she had a different last name then me it would not have been likely that she was contacted) so I would not have had an issue with her being contacted.

But I am an adult -- contact me!

[bprice215]

I'd been searching for my daughter for almost two years when she emailed me. I never would have went through her a parents to find her, that's something between her and me. When we met for the first time it was of mutual consent. I asked about them and she replied they just didn't want to see her get hurt, nor do I. Her a mom put together pictures of my daughter growing up. I so wanted to thank her until I realized I'd already thank her a thousand folds over again. We have not spoke, nor do I think it necessary to speak at this time. My daughter is 25 years old, she knows what she wants and I support her 100 per cent. My daughter had a good life and I'm very thankful for that, but that was yesterday. Now my admiration for these pople will never die, but today I'll alway's be there for her if and when I'm needed. End of conversation.
bprice215

[chunkmomma1]

okay here we go.
I am a birthmother, I have found my birthdaughter and her mother.Since there was not a way to get ahold of the daughter by herself. I wrote a letter, I put BOTH of their names on it. not wanting to cause any problems on either side. It had all my contact information in it. Then it happens I get an e-mail from the mother. saying she got the letter and she has not shared it with the daughter. and she would rather I speak to her for now. I am angered by this in someways but in other ways I understand, she is being protective. the mother and I have been corrseponding back and forth all last week. and i have asked the question does the daughter know she is adopted and she says the daughter has always know. Then why does she not share with the daughter that I have found them??
I am scared that her doing things her way may cause problems.
I did not want things to go this way. I have explained that I am not trying to step in and take over or try to be her mom
I have only wanted to be friends, nothing more.We could all use good friends.
Is their anyone here that has an idea how I can get to the daughter. I have goggled her name and nothing pulls up. and there is nothing on US Search. So either she still lives at home or is still in school. She is over 18 now. I know you all think I am an idiot and thats okay. I thought I was doing the right thing.

any ideas would be great

[austin0i]

Hi Chunk,

You could use ancestry.com, which has birth records to get her name. I think they give you a free 14 day membership.

Start gathering information about your daughter, so if the amom does try to keep you away, you will have recourse. Maybe the amom just needs some more time.

You can also check local public records to get information about the family. You never know what you will find there. Property records, as well as certain other records are public and usually accessible over the Internet.

Kim

Originally Posted by chunkmomma1

okay here we go.
I am a birthmother, I have found my birthdaughter and her mother.Since there was not a way to get ahold of the daughter by herself. I wrote a letter, I put BOTH of their names on it. not wanting to cause any problems on either side. It had all my contact information in it. Then it happens I get an e-mail from the mother. saying she got the letter and she has not shared it with the daughter. and she would rather I speak to her for now. I am angered by this in someways but in other ways I understand, she is being protective. the mother and I have been corrseponding back and forth all last week. and i have asked the question does the daughter know she is adopted and she says the daughter has always know. Then why does she not share with the daughter that I have found them??
I am scared that her doing things her way may cause problems.
I did not want things to go this way. I have explained that I am not trying to step in and take over or try to be her mom
I have only wanted to be friends, nothing more.We could all use good friends.
Is their anyone here that has an idea how I can get to the daughter. I have goggled her name and nothing pulls up. and there is nothing on US Search. So either she still lives at home or is still in school. She is over 18 now. I know you all think I am an idiot and thats okay. I thought I was doing the right thing.

any ideas would be great

[txrnr]

Dag! I lost my reply so my apologies if it pops up twice. Have you only been corresponding with the amom for a week? If so, that's not so long. I'm not trying to take up for her, as I think your daughter has every right to know you wish contact. Just maybe though, she's reeling from the contact and trying to figure out the best way to broach this with your daughter. My mom has asked me several times if I wanted to search and I've shut her down each time. (I'm 40) If your daughter hasn't expressed any interest yet, then maybe she's trying to gather some information about you, and ease into this with your child. I wouldn't automatically assume the worst. Plus, you wanted someone who would protect and love her, even after the magic age of 18, right?

That being said, you have every right to try and contact your daughter, and she has every right to make this decision without mom's interference, even if it is well intentioned. Is she college aged? Check out close by colleges, myspace, facebook, what HS she could have gone to. Check classmates and see if there is info on there.

You weren't an idiot. You were following the only information you had! Good luck, and I hope you hear from her soon, and that you and amom develop a nice friendship too.

[alynp]

Originally Posted by chunkmomma1

I wrote a letter, I put BOTH of their names on it. not wanting to cause any problems on either side. .... I know you all think I am an idiot and thats okay. I thought I was doing the right thing.

I don't think you are an "idiot" at all. It sounds like you were trying to be inclusive and thoughtful.

Try to continue being patient - easier said then done I am sure. People go through a lot in their late teens and twenties. Scientists used to think development stopped at adulthood, but now we know that is not the case. There can be rapid development in your twenties. She may be going through something that her amom doesn't want to throw more challenges at her. In time it can work itself out.

Hang in there! :-)

[npennell1]

Hello-
I am an adult adoptee (age 44). I very recently (January '08) reunited with my birth siblings. I never got the chance to meet my Bmom, she passed away 5 weeks after my initial contact with them.
I grew up knowing I was adopted and that my Amom had some information for me when I 'was ready'. I found out that it wasn't when I was ready, but when she was. She said I could have it when I was 18, then it was when I got married, yet conveniently when I'd ask for it, she couldn't remember where she put it. I finally got the info about 8 years ago. She knew I was curious and probably figured that I would search. I think she was afraid of what it would mean for her, when or if I found them. I believe she felt threatened by the idea of me having a possible relationship with them. For that reason I'm sure if my Bmom had contacted her, she would've withheld the information from me. I think every situation is different, but I think as long as they're adults, the adoptees have the right to be contacted directly and make that decision for themselves.

I'll keep my fingers crossed for you!!

[echox]

I would be bothered by it. I am not hiding, my number is in the book.

[mariarippy]

Wouldn't be bothered. Would probably ask why and think it not normal.