[Dickons]

I am finding it hard to give up my dream of knowing my family and am looking for opinions, suggestions and things to do to find closure.

By the time I had an acceptable reason to search in my mind, my mother had already passed away. My siblings rejected me outright, my mothers sisters have welcomed me which is wonderful. My father will not even have a converstation with me, one of my siblings did a dna test with me but with only two half siblings being tested there was not enough to quantify my claim except we look alike and not sure he read that email with the pictures, (that was the best, seeing myself in someone else) so that is a dead end at least for now.

The logical adult in me says put my dream to bed, the child in me cannot understand how my kin can act this way, when I would not.

Has anyone found how to put your dream to bed and get on with life?

Kind regards,
Dickons

[sal]

It takes time... I, fortunately, was welcomed with open arms by my bmother and bfamily... but was met with coldness, disbelief and anger by my bfather, his other children and much of his extended family. I can't say that it didn't hurt...but that lessens with time. You have to allow yourself time to grieve...the loss of dreams, the reality of the situation, the loss of what you could have had. Be kind to yourself...I found counseling to be a wonderful help as I navigated my reunion. Keep us posted

[snuffie]

I agree with Sal it does take time to heal our wounds after our dreams take a turn that we don't want them to. It hurts and is frustrating too. I think we go through the grieving process step by step and repeat some of the steps too.

Concentrating on the good things that we do have in life helps a lot. Realizing that we can't change others feelings is very difficult especially when its our own dreams they are crushing.

I don't know how long it has been since you found your bfamily. Sometimes it just takes time for them too. Do you have any adoption papers that would be further proof that you really are a sibling? Even that may not make a difference if the others are set against the idea.

Finding a counselor who is experienced with helping adoptees can be very helpful to work through your emotions.

And I agree, be good to yourself. That is the most important thing.
Hugs
Snuffie

[escottswanson]

Finding out yesterday that my first mother passed 13 years ago, and from everything i can find it appears as if she did not have children... I am in the process of beginning to put my dreams to bed as well.

I agree that the very prospect is daunting. The dream, its built into the fabric of your life. I think for me now might be a good time to find a new hobby... something to fill the void. I don't really know.

I wish you the best with your situation, people change and you never know what might happen

[sonata]

I know this is probably asking an obvious question, but tell me this: What exactly is your dream? What part of the "dream" are you giving up?

If your dream was to find out who your birthfamily is, where you came from, what your background is, then you have a lot of that information already. (Many adoptees are searching for no more than that).

If your dream is to actually have a relationship with the birthfamily, then understandably you are disappointed.

You call them your "kin". But it is a little more complicated than that and they might not see it the same way you do. The family you grew up with is your "kin" (at least that is how I view my adopted family). Your birthfamily is your flesh and blood, but they don't know you and you don't know them. A relationship based solely on bloodlines is not a given. Sometimes it happens, and you meld together as a family. More often, though, one or both parties does not wish to pursue a relationship for whatever reason. I imagine that is very painful and disappointing. Maybe your b-mother would have reacted differently. But in spite of the disappointment in not having the relationship you dreamed of, focus on the fact that you have a lot of information about your birthfamily that many adoptees would give their right arm to know!

[Dickons]

Sonata -

You are correct in that I should focus on the info I have and be thankful, and I truly am but I do not find it to be enough.

My dream is to have the chance to see if there is a connection and the chance to have a relationship, be part of their lives albeit long distance. I find it impossible to understand how one cannot be open to new possiblities that could lead to a good relationship especially family. I just want a chance to know them, if I wanted to hurt them I wouldn't have tried to find them.

Thanks,
Dickons

[sonata]

Apparently you do have a connection with your aunts which is a start. Consider that their relationship with you and attitude toward you will go a long way in winning over the rest of the family (if it can be done!) Foster your relationship with them, not as a means to an end to know the rest of the family but as a connection to your b-mother. These women are the closest to your b-mother that you will know.

Also consider that siblings are bound to be very protective of "their" mother! This is not necessarily good news to them, to find out their mother had another child. Especially since she is gone, and can't make peace with them about it, they probably feel threatened. Put yourself in their shoes. They have their memories of their mother and they probably want to leave it alone.

Your aunts, on the other hand, may be glad to know their sister's child because they would most likely have been around and supported their sister when she gave birth and put you up for adoption. They are coming from a different place, you are not a "threat" to them.

I am only projecting here, so the real circumstance may be quite different. But give it some thought, and also give these people some time to come around.